If you clicked on this video, you're either Patriarchy Patty,
or you've been hurt by her.
And we're going to figure out which one you are today. Hello,
and welcome back to my channel where I help you slay your career
and cultivate the successful life you deserve.
Today's video is going to be a little bit different. Today,
I'm talking to you about mean girls at work. Generally when you watch my videos,
and if you've been around here for a while, you know,
I generally am very focused on the tactics and the strategies.
But I think this one is a topic that we really need to dig in,
and we need to understand
it a little bit more because there are some very complex dynamics that are at
play. Quite honestly, this is my third attempt at making this video.
I have recorded and edited it twice ,only to basically bin it because it didn't
feel right.
The reason why I wanted to record this, and have it this conversation today.
And just kind of see what comes out,
is that I think that it is a really important conversation for us to have.
Because until we have it,
we're not going to make the progress that I know each of us really wants
to make in order to have career success for ourselves, but also to create
more successful and equal workplaces in general.
So today I am going to be talking about the classic mean girl at work trope,
and the women that are stepping on other women in order to lift herself up.
If you haven't already, I highly suggest that you grab yourself a coffee. ,
tap that like button, and let's get into it.
The first thing I wanted to do was just a reality check,
because if you clicked on this video, you're either Patriarchy Patty,
or you've been hurt by her.
And we're going to figure out which one you are today.
There is a reality of mean girls at work,
even though the minority of bullies at work are women.
They do tend to target other women. And that's why we have so many stories
about women hurting other women at work.
But I want you to really think about the women that you've worked with,
all of the women that you've worked with,
and if you really want it to extend it - all of the women that you know.
Because chances are,
are the vast majority of women are awesome people.
So really when we're thinking about the mean girl at work,
we're thinking about a teeny tiny percentage of women that are hurting other
women in the workplace. And while I've had awareness about this dynamic and the
realities of it for quite some time,
I really honestly struggled to verbalize it.
Which is weird since I'm sitting here talking to a camera all the time.
But sometimes I think that we just need to find the right words to describe it.
Recently, I read How To Be Anti-Racist by Ibram X Kendi.
And if you haven't read it, I highly recommend. But in one part of the book,
he actually talks about patriarchal women. And this was just,
it clicked for me. It made sense so much sense,
especially when it comes to the mean girl at work.
The mean girl at work is Patriarchy Patty,
and she is exchanging on the privilege
that she does have in order to lift herself up.
But it's coming at the expense of other women and other minorities.
We can't talk about the fact that Patriarchy Patty
is hurting other women without acknowledging that she is also impacting
other minorities in general.
It is not possible to be anti-feminist and be anti-racist
or anti anything else at the same time,
these things all have to be together.
It truly is all or nothing when it comes to inequity in the workplace,
and in the world. The funniest thing about the mean girl at work,
Patriarchy Patty, is that she thinks other women are terrible.
But when you actually look at the dynamics,
and when you look at how she complains about every woman everywhere being
so awful, there is one consistent thing in this picture.
And it's her. I know some of you might be watching this,
and this might be like a bomb going off in your head.
And if you're starting to kind of see yourself, don't worry. It's okay,
because who you have been in the past,
doesn't dictate who you're going to be going forward.
So I want you to stick with me even if it's getting really uncomfortable right
now. But are you Patriarchy Patty, or are you dealing with Patriarchy Patty?
Well, let's take a look at some of the signs - and this is where I get into the
planned.
Part of this video. Patriarchy Patty says things like this:
I think we all know what she had to do to get that job. Oh,
those jokes don't bother me. I'm not sensitive like other women.
I don't have female friends, too much drama.
The mean girl at work upholds a lot of gender notions that are hurting women
and other minorities in the workplace. But she's not just doing that.
She is creating a lot of female rivalry in the workplace through
those actions and those internalized beliefs. And let me just note,
I understand my hypocrisy in tearing
another woman down and we're not supposed to be doing all of that.
But the thing is, I do think that this is a movement of self defense.
We need to identify who these people are.
We need to identify the beliefs,
the things that they say out of beliefs that they perpetuate.
And reinstill in society. I don't know if that's the right word,
but I'm going with it and we need to call them out.
But we also need to acknowledge they are the small minority in the workplace.
And ultimately I feel completely justified because Patriarchy Patty,
the mean girl at work, is giving all of us a bad name.
She's holding us all back in the workplace,
and reinforcing the glass ceiling that so many women that I work with hit.
And she's doing it all and exchanging on that little, tiny bit of privilege that
she has in order to hold everyone else back. And there's a few reasons for this.
And I think the biggest one is that Patriarchy Patty has a scarcity mindset.
What that means is that she doesn't think that there's a lot of opportunities
for women. So if she wants to get those opportunities,
and she wants to climb the corporate ladder,
she needs to step on every other woman and other people along the way.
And it's completely not true.
But that is where we get like the whole like Queen Bee.
Dynamic that does happen at work. It is because of a scarcity mindset.
And that is a lot of fear.
The fear that they don't have a seat at the table and unless they take the seat
at the table,
whereas the better way to get the seat at the table is to make more seats at the
table for everyone. She is blatantly anti-feminist.
And that's why she says the things that says.
And she has the beliefs that she has.
I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt.
She isn't necessarily intentional in her internalized misogyny,
this is an entire socialization process. And we are all subject to it.
We all were raised with certain ideals of beliefs,
and taught about the way things are. And even when those things aren't working,
it's kind of the comfort and the safe place.
And it's easier to stay there than to face the reality,
and the hard work of building.
Something that's maybe a lot better. On that note,
what can we do about the mean girl at work?
What can we do about Patriarchy Patty? And the first thing,
and I've said this in pretty much all of my recent videos,
and you're going to be like, Jennifer, why are you on this again?
I do think that we need to start with empathy,
because ultimately I don't think that Patriarchy Patty is necessarily doing
what she does, and believing what she does, on purpose.
I think that there is a ton of internalized misogyny that really is a play.
And with that, there must be an enormous amount of self hatred
and a lack of self worth that is internalized along with it.
I cannot imagine feeling that way,
and feeling so inequal,
that you're willing to tear other people down and being happy
at the end of the day. Or feeling good about yourself at the end of the day.
So even when she is, you know, on the surface winning. Like,
she tore everyone down.
And she got the promotion. You know, she got the other woman fired. She got the,
whatever it is. I think that there is a lot of sadness.
And I think that there is a ton of self hatred that
really genuinely is going into that. And that,
I think we need to feel bad for her to a certain degree, as harmful as she is.
I think without empathy that we don't have anywhere to go.
So I think that we really do need to start there.
And I know that it can be very challenging, especially when you are dealing
with a mean girl at work, you don't want to empathize with her.
You don't want to feel bad for her.
But I think if we start with thinking that it isn't
necessarily intentional and acknowledging the fact that there is this
internalized. misogyny that is in play,
it does become a little bit easier for us to empathize.
The next thing that you can do when you are dealing with the mean girl at work,
is just try to insulate yourself .and to, you know, stay away from her whenever
possible and stuff like that.
Because whether she's a passive aggressive coworker
or jealous coworker or anything like that,
you can still deploy those different strategies
and they will still have efficacy.
But until she does the internal work to undo all of that internalized misogyny,
she really is going to be who she is. So the more that you can
section yourself off from the mean girl at work,
that's going to be less exposure,
which allows her to have less negative impact on your career.
And just your general wellbeing at work.
But the thing that I really want you to do, and even with the mean girl at work,
I want you to do this.
The way that we rise is by uplifting each other.
And I know this can be hard, especially when it is the mean girl at work.
But think about it this way.
This is a person who feels low self worth has a lot of self hatred,
as I just mentioned.
And maybe if you give her a little tiny bit of love,
you make her feel a little bit better.
About herself, and who knows, maybe it will change her perspective.
And she will stop seeing women as the enemy,
and start to be a collaborator with us as well.
I genuinely believe that there is no path to equity and equality in the
workplace or in the world. If we aren't all lifting each other up,
do more of that. And even if it's not the mean girl at work,
just other women at work, other people at work,
the more that we lift each other up, the more that we actually rise.
And there is a ton more that goes into this in terms of how it makes people,
perceive you and stuff. I will save that if you want a video on the subject,
I'm happy to make that one. Just let me know in the comments down below,
if you want it. Ultimately though, it comes down to one thing,
she is going to have these beliefs until she does the hard work.
If you do need tips and strategies,
I actually have a whole playlist on how to deal with
different types of difficult coworkers. And I know that the mean girl work has a
ton of different ways that she actually surfaces.
But I think the thing about dealing
with a mean girl at work is that she will be the mean girl at work,
and the mean girl in life, until she goes through her own enlightenmen.,
Until you identify the subconscious biases
that are just ingrained in you, you're not able to move forward.
And I think that that is a job that each of us as individuals have.
What biases do I hold? How do they show up? How do they impact me?
How do they impact other people? And how can I do better?
It is a lifelong process because to create a better world,
there's never going to be a set point where we're done the work.
And that means that we have to continually do the work on ourselves.
I'd love to know what your thoughts are on this.
I would love for you to sound off in the comments down below on what you think
about the mean girl, how to deal with a mean girl and really how you perceive
yourself in this dynamic. I'm really interested to hear what you think.
I don't know if that's the end of this video,
or if it's the first video on this topic that I'm going to end up making.
But I did really feel like I needed to say these things today,
because the mean girl at work has this scarcity mindset.
One of the main reasons why she is lashing out at you at work is because of
jealousy.
She feels threatened.
If you do feel like that is describing your mean girl at work,
you could go and check out this video,
which does have some strategies and things
that you can actually do to deal with that jealous female coworker. As always,
thank you so much for watching. Thank you for joining this conversation.
If you haven't already, and you would like more career advice,
make sure and click the subscription button plus a notification bell.
I'll see you in the next video. Bye for now.