Easily one of my favorite fictional books is Paper Towns by John Green.
I read it at a pivotal moment in my life and it really opened my eyes to the fact that
we’re not just characters in each other’s stories.
We all like to think of ourselves as the protagonist.
But everyone else isn’t just an extra in our story, they also think they’re the protagonist
in their own story and they have their own motivations for doing things.
And even though deep down we know that, we still like to attribute their motivations
to us.
They’re doing that just to spite me, they’re wearing that because they know I like that
color.
No, in fact they probably weren’t thinking about you at all.
This sounds intuitive, but it took that book for me to realize I had been doing that for
most of my life.
You guys aren’t here for me… well okay you’re here for this video r- you guys don’t
exist just for… can we just roll the new intro please?
Leading up to your teenage years, you developed egocentrism.
It’s a normal part of adolescence, if you remember your Piaget, it occurs during the
formal operation stage, when you finally develop abstract thinking.
You typically grow out of it, but some people hold onto it well into adulthood.
During that time, you think you’re the center of the universe and that all of your novel,
abstract thoughts are unique, you’re the first person to ever think them.
You haven’t quite developed your theory of mind yet either.
Meaning that you don’t have the ability to figure out what other people are thinking
or the concept that other people have their own motivations, everything is still about
you.
And everyone else is also thinking that exact same thing.
But during this stage of development, you likely had what is called a Personal Fable,
a story you told yourself about how special and unique you are.
It can range from rather mild to laughably supernatural.
Maybe you’re a pop star who hasn’t been discovered yet or a scientist who hasn’t
reached their potential, nobody is taking you seriously yet, but you’re destined for
great things.
Or, maybe, you’re Peter Parker or some other superhero with special powers, but during
the day you’re just a normal high school student, nobody knows your secret.
This is different from a delusion, because deep down you know it’s not true, but you
allow yourself to indulge in the fantasy – at least in your own head.
If you were ever asked by a therapist or even a friend, you’d of course deny it.
But the very next day while you’re walking through the halls at school, you’ll be thinking
about how one day you’re going to save the world… and nobody knows it yet.
While it may be a little embarrassing, it’s a completely normal part of development.
The stories vary by gender and culture, but there are three subtypes of or aspects to
Personal Fables.
They all blend into each other, you likely had elements of all three mixed in.
The first subtype is omnipotence, since everything you’re currently learning and experiencing
is new to you, and you’re still incapable of thinking of others complexly, you think
you’re the first and only person to know that thing.
And really, what teenager doesn’t think they’re the smartest person in the world
or at least, smarter than their parents.
Next is invulnerability, again this isn’t a delusion, deep down you know that bullets
can hurt you.
But you can totally do a backflip off that roof.
It’s thought that this aspect of the Personal Fable feeds into the risk-taking behavior
that is so often seen in teenagers, especially boys.
You kind of have to take risks to learn your own capabilities and limitations.
And lastly, uniqueness, what teenager doesn’t think that they’re special, and they’re
the only one who likes Britney Spears as much as they do, or Star Wars or Harry Potter or
whatever the kids are into these days.
And when they’re sad, nobody has ever been this sad before – this is the most devastating
thing ever and you just wouldn’t understand!
We do understand, we’ve all been a teenager before and, outside of a few extreme circumstances,
we’ve all experienced loss and sadness.
That said, this is your first time experiencing it, so of course it feels unique to you.
But because you feel omnipotent and invulnerable and unique, you are the hero of your own story,
so naturally, everyone else is watching you.
Again, this isn’t a delusion, you know they aren’t really… but they might be.
This is called the Imaginary Audience, when you somewhat believe that you are the center
of attention and that everyone is listening to every word you’re saying, cares about
what you’re wearing, and can totally tell that you’re sweating just a little too much.
This isn’t true, and you’ve probably heard this before – but every single person is
thinking the exact same thing.
Like Personal Fables, Imaginary Audiences are a normal part of adolescent development.
Having an Imaginary Audience helps you construct your social image and helps you maintain cultural
and societal norms.
Thinking that people are watching you helps you fit in.
Now obviously, your friends or people you’re talking to are realistically watching you,
but everyone in school or people at the park?
No… and deep down you know that.
But if you legitimately think they are, you’re suffering from a delusion.
There are some people who legitimately believe they are the star of a reality show, they
are being watched, and everyone around them are just actors or extras.
You probably know this as the Truman Show Delusion or simply the Truman Syndrome.
It went by a number of different names like Persecutory or Grandiose Delusions, but the
reality show aspect makes it unique, because it didn’t really exist until the movie came
out in 1998.
It’s almost like they took what they saw on TV, incorporated it into their Personal
Fable and Imaginary Audience, and turned it into a delusion.
If you haven’t seen the movie, Truman has had his entire life, since birth, broadcast
to the entire world as a 24/7 reality show.
You get that from the trailer, it really isn’t a spoiler.
But several times during the movie, we get to see the perspective of audience members
around the world.
People who know every intimate detail about Truman’s life, they basically think of him
like a friend or family member, and yet Truman has no idea who they are… in fact he doesn’t
even know they exist.
This is called a Parasocial Relationship.
This is when you have a somewhat meaningful connection to a celebrity, sports team, fictional
character, or social media personality, that isn’t reciprocal.
It’s one-sided, you’re the only one who is really aware of that relationship.
You might remember when they used to dye their hair or what their pet’s name was, maybe
you like the same movies as them and you follow them on social media… maybe one day you
make a video about BIRGing where you talk about them at length.
Ha!
You thought I was talking about me and you, didn’t you?
But while we’re on the topic of me and you, there’s actually quite a lot of you now…
I can’t even picture that many people in my head.
That’s more than the entire population of Iceland.
And it was just sort of an abstract number on my screen until I started getting messages
from you and even starting meeting a few of you at conventions.
The first person to come up to me was wearing a light up tie, I’m sorry I don’t remember
your name, but I’ll never forget the tie.
So now you guys aren’t just a number, you’re real to me.
So now that I’ve been on both sides of parasocial relationships, I thought I might offer a different
perspective.
Let me start by saying there’s nothing inherently wrong with parasocial relationships.
I still have parasocial relationships with youtubers I haven’t met – and even some
that I have – it’s completely normal these days.
But you do have to keep a few things in mind.
While you may have been watching someone for months or even years, when you walk up to
them and say hello, that’s the start of the interaction in their mind.
You’ve known who they are forever, they just met you.
So if you start asking about intimate details of their lives that they haven’t personally
brought up yet, it can be a little disorienting.
They’ll probably realize that you heard it in a video, but still.
If you’ve ever been working somewhere and a customer comes up to you and calls you by
your first name, and you’re like “how did you know my name?
Oh it’s on my name tag…”
It’s kind of like that.
Similarly, you may have just watched that video the other day and want to ask them about
it, but for them, they filmed that years ago.
So there’s a bit of a time distortion and information imbalance in the relationship.
They’re also not your lawyer, or accountant, or therapist, and while you may think of them
as a friend you’ve had forever, they just met you.
So if you start asking them for life advice, you might come off a bit strong from their
perspective.
Think of your first date, if you unload all of your problems right out of the gate, you’re
going to scare them off.
And that’s the natural issue with parasocial relationships, it’s been one-sided up until
this moment.
Now, I enjoy reading all of your messages and comments and tweets, I may not be able
to respond to them all, but I still enjoy my side of the parasocial relationship.
I can’t help you with all of your problems though, I have plenty of my own to deal with.
And I’m more than happy to meet you and have a chat – at the appropriate time and
place.
Speaking of, I’ll be at Vidcon London and Vidcon US this year.
But I’m not a vlogger, I don’t invite you into my home… okay well… this is my
actual living room, this isn’t a set or anything.
In fact, I basically sit right in this spot whenever I’m playing Fallout 76, or Red
Dead, or Smash… or whatever the kids are playing these days.
The point is, I have boundaries.
I don’t tell you about my day or invite you into my daily life, I’m an education
channel, and almost all of you seem to respect that, which is great…
I don’t want or need any stalkers.
Stalking is what happens when a parasocial relationship goes wrong, but what if your
Imaginary Audience has malicious intent?
You end up with another delusion known as Gang Stalking.
Gang Stalking is when you feel your neighbors, coworkers, and even random people on the street,
are all secretly watching you and even trying to kill you or destroy your credibility.
There are no documented cases of that actually happening, it’s basically just in movies.
Gang Stalking is specifically the delusion that it’s happening and studies done on
self-identified “targeted individuals” have shown them all to be delusional.
Unless the psychologists were also in on it, I guess.
In her book, How to Deal with and Defeat Gang Stalkers, the author lists several ways to
tell if you’re being gang stalked.
Pay attention and see if any of these apply to you.
You notice that your things are not in the same place you left them.
Neighbors making extra noise, seemingly on purpose.
Frequent appliance or electronic malfunctions.
Airplanes flying over the place you stay at timed intervals.
People turn on their headlights everywhere you go, especially parking lots.
Frequent car repairs.
Staged car accidents along frequently traveled routes.
Hopefully you can see why this is typically classified as a bit of a narcissistic delusion,
there are fairly rational explanations for all of those events.
And I’m willing to bet most of you have experienced these regularly, but don’t think
anyone is out to get you.
But there is a section that a lot of rational people do buy into.
The sense that you are being watched and followed everywhere you go.
People around you pay attention and listen to everything you do and say.
You have a sense that there is no privacy in anything you do.
You feel that those around you have access to your communications.
You’ve probably seen videos of people testing out whether Google or Facebook are listening
to you to serve you ads based on what you’ve been saying in random conversations.
They aren’t, there’s a rational explanation for that too.
It’s called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, when you start paying attention to a thing,
and then start seeing it everywhere – whether it’s ads for cat food or even something
like the Wilhelm Scream.
It’s always been there, you’re just looking for it now.
She wrote this book because she claims to be a victim of Gang Stalking, and she specifically
says it’s very unlikely that the CIA or FBI is wasting resources to stalk you.
So who was gang stalking her?
Google?
Facebook?
Who would spend the time and effort to hack into her computer and delete the first drafts
of this book?
The Milwaukee School of Engineering… with a student population of 2600…
I’m not kidding.
In fact, it’s quite likely that if she ever sees this video, she’ll think that I was
paid by the Milwaukee School of Engineering…
I wasn’t.
This video was brought to you by CuriosityStream.
A subscription streaming service that offers over 2000 documentaries and nonfiction titles
from some of the world’s best filmmakers that you can access across multiple platforms.
I recommend starting with the series Digits, hosted by fellow youtuber Veritasium, about
how the internet does surveil you.
The internet is a medium that watches you while you watch it.
And how the internet has shaped our social interactions.
We’re beginning to interact with the internet as if it is the only other social being we
have in our lives.
You can get access to their entire library for as little as 2.99 a month, but if you
head over to curiositystream.com/knowingbetter and use the promo code knowingbetter, you
get your first month completely free, you’ll also be supporting the channel when you do.
As he eluded to, the internet is an amazing tool, but it has also amplified some of the
less healthy aspects of our psychology.
Back in the day, if you thought people were watching you, that’s basically where it
ended.
But now, you can get online and find entire communities of people who also think they’re
the victims of some grand conspiracy, which only fuels the delusion.
And thanks to social media, our Imaginary Audiences aren’t necessarily imaginary anymore
and it’s completely changed our relationship to celebrities.
A parasocial relationship feels as real to you as any of your IRL friendships, you get
the same rush when a celebrity you follow actually responds to you.
And if they block you or delete their Twitter, you go through a Parasocial Breakup, which
is just as emotionally devastating as a real one.
So maybe take a step back and reevaluate your relationship with the internet before you
go looking up someone’s wikifeet page, because now, you know better.
Hey look, new outro card!
I’d like to give a shout out to my newest legendary patron Alexander, if you’d like
to add your name to this list of parasocial relationships, had on over to patreon.com/knowingbetter.
Don’t forget to gang stalk me by clicking that subscribe button, following me on Twitter
and Facebook, and join us on the subreddit.