Tifa: Alright, Cloud...
Tifa: I think it's time to address the elephant in the room...
Tifa: IF and WHEN we have to do this...
Tifa: I'm in charge.
Tifa: It's not that I don't trust you. It...
Tifa: It's that I CAN'T trust you.
Cloud: (exasperated) Can we PLEASE not talk about this right now?
Tifa: Look, we need to address the elephant, Cloud.
Cloud: Can we NOT?
Tifa: ADDRESS THE ELEPHANT, CLOUD!
Aerith: *GASP*
Aerith: Oh my god!
Aerith: Oh my god! You guys are dressing an elephant?!
Cloud: Aerith! Is that you?!
Red XIII: You have been quiet for quite some time...
Red XIII: Was it something I said?
Barret: Lemme tell you a tale...
*Heartfelt piano starts playing...*
Barret: When I was a wee lad,
Barret: Everyday I would go to my church...
Barret: get on my knees,
Barret: and pray to whatever god would listen.
Barret: I'd say, 'God...
Barret: I'd say, 'God... are you there?'
Barret: 'It's me, Baby Barret.'
Barret: 'Now there's only one thing I want in this world more than anything...
Barret: 'Now I don't care if you take my arm...
Barret: 'Now I don't care if you take my arm... my friends...'
Barret: 'Now I don't care if you take my arm... my friends... or the home in which I sleep!'
Barret: 'WHAT I WANT...'
Barret: 'WHAT I WANT... is a talking dog best friend...'
Barret: Now here I stand...
Barret: Now here I stand... armless...
Now here I stand... armless... friendless...
Barret: Now here I stand... armless... friendless... and homeless.
Barret: But not...
Barret: TALKING.
Barret: TALKING. DOG.
Barret: TALKING. DOG. BEST.
Barret: TALKING. DOG. BEST. FRIEND.
Barret: TALKING. DOG. BEST. FRIEND. LESS!
Red XIII: OMG!
Red XIII: We're best friends?!
Barret: YEAAH.....
[ Barret cheers in the background ] Aerith: Anyway...
Aerith: Thanks for saving me, Cloud.
Cloud: Yeah...
Cloud: It was great for the five minutes it lasted...
Tifa: That's what she said...
Cloud: F*ck off, Tifa.
Tifa: We might have to! Isn't that scary?
Aerith: Goodness....
Aerith: How horrifying...
Tifa: What did she say...?
Aerith: Sorry for all this, Cloud.
Cloud: Hey...
Cloud: Hey... all is forgiven.
Aerith: Hey, that's my line, silly!
[ Cloud & Aerith Laugh Happily ]
[ Tifa Laughs Sarcastically ]
Tifa: Keep flirting, you two. I'm going to bed.
Cloud: That's... a good idea.
Cloud: We should get some shut-eye and hope for a miracle.
Aerith: Maybe an angel will save us...
Cloud: Huh. We could only be so lucky...
???: Good to see you...
???: Good to see you... CLOUD...
Cloud: GAH!
Cloud: Oh...
Cloud: Oh!
Cloud: OH!
Cloud: Tifa.
Cloud: Tifa, Tifa, Tifa, Tifa, TIFA!
Tifa: Ugh, how 'bout you do ME a solid and split your own bill, jerk...
Cloud: Tifa!
Cloud: Tifa! The door's open!
Tifa: Ugh, wh- wha- wha?
Cloud: Tifa! The door is open, but we gotta be very qui--
Tifa: HOT DAMN!
Tifa: HOT DAMN! Cloud: TIFA, COME ON!
Tifa: Good job, Cloud, ya killed a guard!
Cloud: No I didn't!
Cloud: Look, just take his keys and free Aerith. I'll get the guys!
Cloud: Guys, somethin's going o--
Barret and Red: JAILBREAK!
Barret: Well, DAMN, Cloud, good job killing the guards, shit!
Cloud: Wha- why are you all assuming I killed him?! Maybe it was Tifa!
Barret: Does Tifa use a giant sword to kill people?
Cloud: Well, lookin' at our track record with th--
Barret: Goin' off the rails way too fast!
Barret: Scout ahead, Red!
Red: Okay, Black!
Barret: You get a pass!
Aerith: Cloud.. I'm scared!
Cloud: Uh.. listen, I don't know what Tifa told you,
Cloud: but I did NOT kill the guard!
Aerith: Oh, I know it wasn't YOU, Cloud!
Aerith: It was... someone else...
Aerith: Someone I didn't know... but felt like I did...
Cloud: Oh! That DOES sound scary..
Aerith: Oh, that's not the scary part!
Aerith: The scary part was when I heard him say,
*Aerith takes a deep breath....*
Aerith: "Follow the blood."
Cloud: I'm-sorry, WHAT?!
Cloud: Ohhhhhh...
Red: Scouting Report!
Red: WHERE.
Red: WHERE. DO I.
Red: WHERE. DO I. BEGIN.
[ Machinabridged Title Plays ]
Cloud: [ Increasing Groans of Nausea and Discomfort ]
Barret: Well,
Barret: Well, well,
Barret: Well, well, well...
Barret: Guess he was right.
Cloud: Who the f**k killed him?!
Tifa: I'm gonna go with whoever used Sephiroth's sword!
[ SEPHIROTH! ]
Cloud: Oh, shit...
Aerith: Who's that?
Palmer: SEPHIROTH?! He won't get me!
Palmer: AH! I've been got!
Cloud: Tell us what happened!
Palmer: OH! Well, I-- I was just up here, buying a space--
Palmer: UNDER SUPERVISION,
Palmer: W-when all of a sudden, Sephiroth showed up!
Palmer: Then cousin President started saying,
Palmer: "Much like an ice-skating Chocobo being ridden by two illiterate Moogles--"
Palmer: And then he DIED!
Palmer: How does the metaphor END?! HOW DOES IT END?!
Aerith: Look, guys! ANOTHER helicopter!
Palmer: Nephew Rufus! He'll know!
Barret: That slippery, spacey sunuva BITCH!
Tifa: How does a fatass like that run so fast?!
Palmer: OH... I still don't get it.
Rufus: Think of the chocobo as a spaceship!
Palmer: Ah, THAT makes sense!
Rufus: Now, if you'll please step aside, Uncle Palmer, I have guests to indulge.
Cloud: Who the hell is HE?
Barret: I know who he is; President Shinra's baby boy!
Barret: Vice President Rufus "Ain't-Nepotism-A-Bitch" Shinra!
Rufus: O-ho...
Rufus: You mean 'FORMER Vice President', actually
Rufus: You are now looking at the newly-minted presidential face of the Shinra cooperation!
Uncle Palmer: President Shinra is DEAD!
Uncle Palmer: ALL HAIL PRESIDENT SHINRA!
Rufus: Now, tell me...
Rufus: Who the DEVIL are you?
Cloud: I'm Cloud.
Cloud: I'm Cloud; former SOLDIER.
Voice In Cloud's Head: First Class...
Cloud: First Class.
Barret: Barret.
Barret: Barret. Father.
Barret: Barret. Father. Lover. Fighter.
Barret: Barret. Father. Lover. Fighter. And leader of AVALANCHE!
Tifa: Tifa!
Tifa: Tifa! Bartender!
Aerith: Aerith!
Aerith: Aerith! I sell flowers!
Red XIII: Red X
Red XIII: Red XI
Red XIII: Red XII
Red XIII: Red XIII.
Red XIII: Red XIII. And I'M
Red XIII: Red XIII. And I'M hungry...
Rufus: [ Arrogant As All Hell Laughter ]
Rufus: Well,
Rufus: Aren't you all a rag-tag group of adventurers
Rufus: with UNCLEAR goals and good hearts!
Rufus: Oh! Let me guess...
Rufus: You're out to save the world~!
Cloud: Actually, that sounds like-
Cloud: Actually, that sounds like- Tifa: More or less, I guess...
Aerith: That sounds LOVELY! Let's do that! Red XIII: I'm new here, but I am open to the concept.
Barret: I thought that's what we were doing, guys!
Barret: COME ON!
Rufus: Anyway, to the matter at hand...
Rufus: it seems a former employee of the Shinra Corporation stopped by our head office today to, uh--
Rufus: ...air some, shall we say, grievances via katana to the back.
Rufus: In the past, my dearly departed daddy would resort to tactics such as:
Rufus: Working with common criminals...
Corneo: I've made my decision!
Rufus: Kidnapppin' and extortion...
[ SMACK ]
Rufus: And, my personal favorite, senseless destruction!
[ Sounds of Sector 7's Senseless Destruction ]
Rufus: Oof! Just sayin' it gives me the shivers!
Rufus: NOW, how would he solve this Sephiroth issue?
Rufus: Well, he'd probably hire a criminal to kidnap someone Sephiroth cared about,
Rufus: lure 'em into the buildin', and then..
Rufus: *Poof* Blow it up.
Rufus: ME, on the other hand?
Rufus: ME, on the other hand? I'm just gonna let bygones be bygones!
Cloud: He killed your FATHER!
Rufus: OH, no, no, no, no, NO! YOU'RE mistaken!
Rufus: YOU LOT killed my father! After breakin' out of your CELLS!
Everyone but Aerith: Oh, you son of a bitch! Aerith: That's not what happened!
Rufus: Oh, you are WRONG, sir!
Rufus: I'm no son of a bitch,
Rufus: I'm no son of a bitch, I'm the heir to a BASTARD!
Rufus: Now, if I'm not mistaken, the Shinra Security Force SHOULD be here in..
Rufus: Well, let's say... five minutes?
Cloud: Hey, Barret...
Cloud: If Rufus is telling the truth,
Cloud: If Rufus is telling the truth, then we gotta find a safe way out of here.
Cloud: You take care of that...
Cloud: You take care of that... I'll take care of him.
Barret: You sure, Cloud?
Cloud: Don't worry... I was in-
Barret: In SOLDIER, yes. WELL, BEST OF LUCK!
Barret: COME ON, Y'ALL! LET'S BIGGITY BOUNCE!
Aerith: Good luck! Red XIII: Yep!
Tifa: You got this, Cloud!
Tifa: Yeah, Cloud -so- does not got this...
Aerith: You're right! I'll-
Tifa: Go with Barret. I'LL stay behind.
Aerith: But, but I was going to stay...
Tifa: Okay... Sweetheart...?
Tifa: Okay... Sweetheart...? Can you do me a solid?
Tifa: Let the adult handle this...
Aerith: [ sighs ] You're right...
Aerith: You ARE much older looking...
Aerith: Bye!
Red XIII: Did this room just get colder?
Barret: Oh, f*ck yeah it did!
Cloud: So... Your boys are gonna be here in five minutes, huh?
Rufus: Indeed.
Cloud: Perfect!
Cloud: Perfect! I only need two to kick your ass.
Rufus: And I only need ONE to put a hole in YOURS.
Cloud: Wait, so when you say, 'hole'...
Cloud: Oh...
Cloud: AGH!
Rufus: Tell me... are your 'friends' as strong as you make yourself out to be?
Cloud: I can give you a soft "maybe" on that.
Rufus: *arrogant laughter*
Rufus: Well... then they are NOT prepared for what they're about to face.
Cloud: Trust me, there's NOTHING they can't handle.
Barret: WE CANNOT HANDLE THIS!
Cloud: Why is SHINRA so fixated on this 'Promised Land'?
Rufus: I dunno...
Rufus: Apparently it has infinite Mako Energy so, y'know,
Rufus: slap a factory on that and you're pretty much printing money.
Cloud: Fair enough. Three Questions:
Cloud: 1) How is Sephiroth still alive?
Cloud: 1) How is Sephiroth still alive? 2) Why would he kill your father?
Cloud: 1) How is Sephiroth still alive? 2) Why would he kill your father? and 3) How the hell did he break in?
Rufus: 1) I do not know.
Rufus: 1) I do not know. 2) I do not care.
Rufus: 1) I do not know. 2) I do not care. and 3)...
Rufus: 1) I do not know. 2) I do not care. and 3)... I believe Uncle Palmer's daughter was working the front door.
Cloud: Your family's weird.
Rufus: You have no idea...
Palmer: I'M TAKING THIS TO THE MOON AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!
Pilot: Sir, can I please HAVE THE CONTROLS BACK??? Palmer: I'M TAKING THIS TO THE MOON AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!
Rufus: *long sigh*
Cloud: GA-HA!
Barret: Now... I don't know what battle experience ya'll have...
Barret: But just follow my lead!
Barret: There! Now you try somethin'!
Red XIII: I'll cast 'Fire'!
Barret: Fire.
Barret: Fire. Does not do ANYTHING.
Barret: Fire. Does not do ANYTHING. TO ROBOTS!
Aerith: Ooh! I know what will work!
Barret: WHY?!
Barret: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, SWEET FLOWER GIRL?!
Aerith: It looked hurt...
Barret: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!!!
Cloud: So...
Cloud: Even though there's a new boss...
Cloud: Nothing's changed with SHINRA.
Rufus: As a matter of fact, there WILL be some changes.
Rufus: Uncle Palmer doesn't know it yet, but the 'Space Division' of SHINRA will be liquidated.
Cloud: Oh... you don't say....
Cloud: HEY! PALMER!
Cloud: THEY'RE SHUTTING DOWN THE SPACE DIVISION!
Palmer: WHAAAAAAAT?!?
Rufus: Oh, you Cheeky Bastard!
Cloud: DISTRACTION ATTACK!
Rufus: You scuffed my GIUSEPPE BRAND SUIT!
Cloud: You should try his dresses.
Cloud: WAY more comfortable.
Rufus: Oh, I agree-
Rufus: Oh, I agree- wait, how would you know?
Cloud: I wore... one...
Rufus: To each their own!
Rufus: I am not a judgemental persoooooon!
Rufus: I am not a judgemental persoooooon! Cloud: Wait, I needed it to save a friend- Aw... DAMMIT!
Cloud: Speaking of...
Cloud: Where the hell are they?
Barret: Now listen...
Barret: Aerith...
Barret: Aerith... sometimes...
Barret: Aerith... sometimes... you just gotta accept the fact
Barret: that you NEED to KILL THINGS
Barret: TO SURVIVE!
Barret: Here! I'll show you!
Barret: THERE!
Barret: IT'S
Barret: IT'S OVER!
Barret: It's done! We're safe!
Barret: Aw, SONOFABITCH!
Cloud: Tifa! Why are you here?
Cloud: Why didn't you go down with everyone else?
Tifa: I...
Tifa: I... just wanted to stay behind in case something happened...?
Cloud: Really?
Cloud: Wow. That's...
Cloud: Wow. That's... really kind of you-
Tifa: Hey! Did you notice we're on Floor 69?!
Tifa: Eh? Eh?! EHHH?!
Cloud: You thought about that while you were waiting, weren't you...?
Tifa: It's like, 'Why didn't Hojo pick THIS floor for his F*ck Dungeon, right?
Tifa: [ fake laughter ] Let's go down...?
Cloud: Uh.. yes.
Cloud: Let's.
Tifa: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAAAAAAAAID!
Red XIII: [ sigh ] I'm going to miss this place.
Red XIII: I've had an exceptional amount of sex here...
Tifa: Hey! Have you guys even -tried- to find a way out of here yet?
Barret: O-ho, yes we have...
[ Screams, Pain, and Gunfire ]
Tifa: Why would you guys even go through the front door?
Barret: Why indeed...
Barret: Alright, which one of us is going to check outside?
Aerith and Red XIII: Not it.
Barret: Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be...
Tifa: Because I was gonna say, we figured a way out of here.
Broadcaster: Breaking News!
The president of the SHINRA Cooperation has been killed.
Reports say the individuals responsible are none other than the known terrorist group: AVALANCHE.
As seen here.
The new president of SHINRA, Rufus Shinra, attempted to stop AVALANCHE'S assasination, but arrived too late.
When reached for comment, Rufus stated...
We've just received News that AVALANCHE is currently attempting an escape!
We see now that they've burst through the 3rd story window.
We take you now LIVE to our Eye-In-The-Sky in our Channel 7 Chopper as this story develops!
Jim?
Jim: Thanks, Tom!
Jim: As you can see, the blonde member of AVALANCHE is attacking the police with a...
Jim: giant sword...
Tom: That sword looks very large, Jim.
Jim: It's almost impractical, yet he still uses it for some reason!
Tom: What can you tell me about the other vehicle, Jim?
Jim: It seems to be a Three-Wheel Truck.
Jim: And I don't want to scare you folks at home, but there also appears to be a...
Jim: FULLY Armed person of color sitting in the back!
Tom: Is that a CAT with him, Jim?
Jim: Hard to say, Tom...
Jim: I would say it's more of a dog.
Jim: Oh! And it appears that SHINRA has sent in the Motor Ball!
Jim: It looks like the end of the line for Avalanche.
Jim: Back to you, Tom.
Tom: Thanks, Jim.
Tom: Coming Up Next...
Tom: Moogles... do they deserve full citizenship, and will marriage be next?
Tom: More at 11.
Barret: Now I know we've all had a LONG DAY...
Barret: With lots to complain about...
Barret: But I, for one...
Barret: am SICK...
Barret: and TIRED...
Barret: of FIGHTING.
Barret: ROBOTS!
Barret: F*CK!
Cloud: Hey! I got an idea!
Tifa: Really? Cause anything would be great right now!
Cloud: Well... it's more of a...
Cloud: Well... it's more of a... SHOCKING...
Cloud: Revel-
Barret and Tifa: JUST DO IT!
Cloud: And THAT'S how I ROLL!
Barret: "Eye-Roll" indeed...
Tifa: Wow...
Tifa: Who would've thought Lighting would've killed a robot?
Cloud: Pssh! Anyone. EVERYONE would think to do that!
Tifa: I was being sarcastic...
Barret: At least you didn't try to heal it.
Aerith: Hey...
Barret: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!
Cloud: So... uh...
Cloud: We can't come stay in Midgar anymore, can we?
*Everyone confirms "no"*
Cloud: Alright...
Cloud: So, I have a proposal:
Cloud: So, I have a proposal... Aerith: *excited gasp*
Cloud: I say we go find Sephiroth,
Cloud: I say we go find Sephiroth, Aerith: *disappointed scoff*
Cloud: kick his ass, and clear our names.
Cloud: Sound good?
Red XIII: I will travel with you, Blonde One.
Red XIII: Because I have no idea where I am.
Barret: Well, if it's the only way I can see my sweet baby girl safe and sound...
Barret: Then count me in, Cloud!
Aerith: I'll go wherever Cloud goes.
Aerith: I feel safest when I'm next to him.
Tifa: Yeah...
Tifa: I'll go wherever Cloud goes because HE feels safest next to ME.
*"Safest When He's Next To Me" echoes as it gets louder along with Cloud's rage*
Cloud: [subdued ] You wanna say that again... Tifa...?
Tifa: Excuse me?
Barret: Uh-oh...
Cloud: Yeah...
Cloud: Repeat what you just said.
Cloud: About me feeling 'SAFE' around you...?
Tifa: Well... I mean... yeah.
*Tifa sputters*
Tifa: Cloud, we've been friends since we were kids!
Tifa: I've always had your back.
Cloud: Really?
Cloud: Had my back?
Cloud: *chuckles*
Cloud: That's funny.
Cloud: Question:
Cloud: Question: Did you have my back when I DIDN'T want to join AVALANCHE?
Tifa: Well, uh...
Tifa: No... but... um-
Cloud: That's right! You didn't!
Cloud: And what did you do again?
Cloud: Hmm... was it... talk to me like an adult?
Cloud: Heh-heh. NO.
Cloud: Hmm... was it asking me for help, like a FRIEND would?
Cloud: Oh! I remember now...
Cloud: "FOUR DUDES AT A MINIMUM"!
Cloud: Am I remembering your threat correctly?!
Tifa: O-okay, okay!
Tifa: Hold on...
Tifa: I admit...
Tifa: I might have stepped over the line a little, alright?
Cloud: A LITTLE?!
Cloud: Implying Prison Rape is A LITTLE to you?!
Cloud: *furious* Oh, Tifa...
Cloud: You are SOME PIECE OF WORK!
Cloud: Honestly... I don't know why I'm surprised you're this way!
Cloud: You've ALWAYS been like this!
Cloud: Maybe the reason you can't act like a GROWN UP
Cloud: is because YOU can't get over the fact that your FATHER WAS MURDERED!
Red XIII: Holy shit...
*FFVII Battle Victory Score*
Barret: Yeah... so um...
Barret: Thanks for watching,
Barret: Uhhhhh....
Barret: THAT...
Barret: If you enjoyed it...
Barret: Um...
Barret: Like... and subscribe...
Barret: And, uh, thank you all so much for donating to the Patreon.
Barret: Thanks to you, we've been able to make this project come to life.
Barret: DBcember, right?
Barret: Yeah... click it to, uh...
Barret: watch it.
Barret: Who knows what movie we'll... we'll list... what movie will be-
Barret: god-goddamn it, I can't get over what just happened...
Barret: That "Legacy of Goku", though, right?
Barret: Episode 1, click it!
Barret: That was- what the f*ck man?
Barret: Goddamn.
Barret: But, uh, yeah, make sure to click on the description to follow TFS on Twitter
Barret: And, uh, Facebook.
Barret: Yeah...
Barret: So, we're leaving now... um...
Barret: See you in Season 2...?
*Team Four Star Outro*