I had a couple of jobs before this job.
I wasn't very good at any of them,
to be honest with you.
That's why, whenever somebody
asks me about comedy
and that they'll ask me
what it takes to get into comedy,
I guess
well, you know,
it helps if you can't do anything else.
(audience laughing)
It's a big part of it.
The first real job I had was
in the hardware department at Sears.
I was 18 years old,
it was my first real job,
and our biggest tool was me, I
(audience laughing)
didn't know anything.
I had no business selling power tools.
I didn't know anything.
In fact, I'll give you an example
about how bad
my product knowledge was.
I actually thought peat moss,
was an employee.
(audience laughing)
Apparently you guys don't know
what it is either I could tell.
(audience laughing)
I found out later
in my defense that peat moss
was actually a lawn
and garden product
when I was over in hardware
but I still should've known,
but I just didn't put
two and two together
and sure enough
a woman walks up and
I can still picture this woman.
This is 30 years ago
and this woman comes in,
"Where can I find peat moss?"
And I'm like, uh.
(audience laughing)
I think he's off.
I...
(audience laughing)
I haven't heard Pete's name today.
(audience laughing)
30 years, she's probably
still standing there like.
(audience laughing)
Then I tried being a car salesman
for a couple of years.
That's a good job.
If you have any self-esteem
that you wanna get rid of.
(audience laughing)
I didn't...
I hated that job.
I think you can tell
how you feel about your job
by how much money
you spend on lottery tickets.
(audience laughing)
I didn't like that job.
I didn't like my boss either
and I was actually,
I was tempted to get my boss
the old take this job
and shove it speech
but I was quitting
so I could try to be a comedian
and I was afraid if it didn't go well
and you know,
someday I'd have to give them the,
hey, is there any chance
you didn't shove that job yet?
(audience laughing)
And if you did, how far up there is it?
(audience laughing)
Is there any chance I can
help you pull it out speech?
(audience laughing)
'cause I have a corkscrew . . .
(audience laughing)
but that was almost 21 years ago
and I've been doing standup
ever since,
it was tough in the beginning,
but I'm so glad I stuck with it.
Here's the reality,
I never would have met my wife
if I didn't stick with it.
I was working on a cruise ship
when my wife and I met and
she was a pirate and . . .
(audience laughing)
Cruise ships were actually
a lot like this
Drybar comedy,
'cause you have to be clean.
You have to be able
to make people laugh
without cursing
without being dirty
and I'll be honest with you,
I live in New Jersey
right next to New York.
I know a lot of comedians
in the New York area
and they would love
to play in a venue like this
but they can't because you know
they can't be funny
without being dirty
and they'll, so they'll
say things to me like,
"Well, don't you care about
"your artistic freedom?"
And I'll say things like, No.
(audience laughing)
Never really gave it much thought
to be honest with you.
(audience laughing)
One guy actually said,
"What about freedom of speech?"
I said, look, I'm married.
I gave that up a long time ago.
(audience clapping)
By the way,
my wife and I both talk a lot
and we're . . . It's 50, 50.
The problem I have with my wife,
when it comes to talking
my wife will cut me off
when I start talking.
(audience laughing)
And she will go,
"I thought you were done."
(audience laughing)
And I'll go, what part of, hey,
you'll never believe
what just happened,
(audience laughing)
makes it sound
like I'm wrapping it up?
(audience laughing)