Say your name
Say your name and how old you are. Marcus Cole
Say I'm
3 years old. 3 year old.
and I love my daddy. I love my daddy. and she opens up this folder and it's
pictures and clippings of this other guy
um, that's how you find out your dad isn't your father
I'm Corbyn Tyson. This is my wife Sarah.
We've got three kids. This is Max, Owen,
and Audrey who thinks she's Princess Elsa. I'm on a journey to find out what it
means to be a good dad.
The other day, I got into my car
and it smelled exactly how my dad's car used to smell.
Am I turning into my dad and is that such a bad thing?
There's a deep connection between our identity and our relationship with our
dad
I talked to my friend Marqus about a time in his life
when his identity and who he is was shaken to the core
what happens when your reality has turned upside down
and what you thought was real, wasn't
you know you're either trying to be like your dad or be different from your dad
everybody's relationship is different, but I feel like as a man
a lot of how you define yourself is by your dad
in my experience your dad is the first man
that you see me as an actual man. He's not a superhero, he's not somebody on
TV. He's an actual
man that you see day in and day out. My dad was a coach. He really took people in.
He was the type coach that would
pick you up, take you home. He stepped in as a father figure
His kind of saying was when you're blessed you have to be a blessing
to other people. I think a lesson that I learned growing up from watching
my dad and my mother both, is help people that can help themselves
I am an attorney I work at a legal services firm representing low-income and
indigent persons. People that can't afford lawyers, get me as a free lawyer
to represent them. I think a good life would be one where I could help
my family, help my friends, help people. My dad is
number eight out of nine boys. They talked a lot about
you know, what it means to be a coal what it means to be cold blooded
the biggest thing is: family first. About three years ago
Marqus' mom came to visit him. When they sat down to eat lunch that day
everything that Marqus knew and understood about himself
and his family was turned upside down
and she told me right then that, you know, what she wanted to tell me
was who my father was. I was like,
I know who my dad is, you know, what do you mean
and she opens up this folder and it's pictures and clippings
of this other guy. Now, she's showing me pictures of
him and pictures of brothers and half-brothers of mine that I have never known.
Towards ending the conversation, she calls this guy you know so I'm just
finding out
and she calls him on the phone and there's his voice on the other end of the phone
That's how you find out your dad isn't your father
it was like getting punched in the stomach, it was like
having world turned upside down. It was
really surreal. That's what happens on TV. That's what happens in the movies. That
doesn't happen
to, like, real life people. That doesn't happen to me. For a long time, I lost who
I was
I know that's kinda like cliche to say and in very like soap opera really but it its
real life
until I was sitting in that booth at lunch I knew who my parents were. I knew who my brother and
sister was
I knew my experience. I knew my reality
and then all of a sudden, my reality wasn't the truth
so I was mad that I had wrapped so much of myself
up in the Cole name which I still carry and
treasure. The biggest thing I've had to learn was who
I am. I'm more than just my experiences and I'm also more than just you know
my DNA, my genes. it's really what does it mean to be Marqus Cole
when you're not really a Cole you know not in real life. I don't have that
blood I talked about earlier you know I I don't share some of those things
I'm a lot of things, but I'm those things because
that's what I choose to be because I choose to reflect know what I see
have my dad that raised me and my mother I have things in me
literally that come from places I didn't even know about. I'm
you know whether express those traits that type of person
is a choice, you know, I don't have to be that type of person. I can choose
to be the type of person I want to be. I think one of the defining characteristics in my
relationship with my dad that raised me is that
we don't talk very much. We're not very sharing
it's something I think I want to do different if I ever get the opportunity
to be a dad is to be more expressive to be more open
and honest and have those channels of communication open
me and my dad that raised me have actually not talked about
this elephant that's in the room. We probably need to. We probably should. It's
probably not the healthiest way to deal with it, but
you know I understand where my dad is and I understand where I'm at
and how he feels about me and I mean how I feel about him has only grown
over this experience. When I got engaged myself, one of the rare times where we sit
down and have like an actual
conversation he told me about, you know, being a man and to be a good husband
I would have to be a good person I had to get myself together so I'm trying to
deal with that as quick as possible so that when I start my new family
I can be invested and be a whole person and not this
angry half person that doesn't know who he is.
I think a good dad loves unconditionally I think a good dad
knows that the kids are gonna mess up. They're gonna get in trouble. They're going to get in
fights
They're gonna lie. They're going to know that
and love you anyway. In the case of my dad,
he's gonna know even when I didn't know that I'm not his by blood
but it doesn't matter because he loved me unconditionally
and he was proud of me and still is proud of me
I want to be a father. I want to be a dad. I want to be part of their lives. I want to be there
for my kids the way my parents were for me, you know,
there everyday. Part of their lives hoping turn me into somebody that's a
halfway decent person. I still struggle with the fact that maybe I don't have
what it takes
to be a good dad and much like Marqus I lose my true self
time and time again. I get impatient and I get selfish.
I let my career win more of my time than my family
and I've learned that if I don't intentionally remind myself of who I am
I get lost so let me ask you this
why do you think it is that so much of our identity
is wrapped around our relationships with our dads?
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