>>> AND NOW, VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE RECEIVES THE COVID-19
VACCINE ON LIVE TV. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> HELLO AND THANK YOU. I'M SURE ALL AMERICANS ARE
EXCITED TO SEE ME, THE GUY WHO LET COVID SPREAD EVERYWHERE, GET
ONE OF THE FIRST VACCINES. >> AND MY WIFE KAREN WILL GET
ONE AS WELL. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY ANYTHING?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BUT YOU CAN TALK?
SEE YOU SOON, MOTHER. BEFORE WE BEGIN, I JUST WANT TO
REASSURE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT THIS VACCINE IS COMPLETELY
SAFE AND HARMLESS. AND THAT'S WHY PRESIDENT TRUMP
REFUSES TO TAKE IT OR TALK ABOUT IT.
INSTEAD, HE SENT ME HERE TO BE HIS UH, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
>> HUMAN SHIELD? >> THAT'S RIGHT.
YEP. THAT'S EXACTLY THE PHRASE HE
USED. HE'S A COLORFUL MAN AND EVEN
MORE FUN ON STEROIDS. >> HE'S STILL TAKING THOSE?
>> SPEAKING OF ROIDS, YOU'VE PROBABLY NOTICED I'M ROCKING
SHORT SLEEVES FOR THIS. SO IF I LOOK SWOLE AS F THAT'S
NOT AN ALLERGIC REATION. I'VE BEEN LIFTING WEIGHTS IN MY
DRIVEWAY LIKE KEVIN SPACEY IN "AMERICAN BEAUTY," BUT THAT'S
WHERE THE SIMILARITIES END. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP
TALKING. >> NO.
I DO. SO, THANK YOU TO ALL AMERICANS
FOR TRUSTING PRESIDENT TRUMP WITH YOUR HEALTH.
HE MAY NOT BE DOING PRESIDENT ANYMORE, BUT HE STILL CARES
DEEPLY ABOUT NOT GOING TO PRISON.
>> SHOULD WE JUST START? >> ALL RIGHT.
YOU WIN, DOC. LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO. MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THIS ISN'T
THAT KIND OF VACCINE. >> OH NO.
IT'S OKAY. IF YOU'RE A DOCTOR, YOU CAN GO
IN. >> NO.
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, IT'S A SIMPLE INJECTION IN YOUR ARM.
>> OH. OKAY.
COOL. >> HERE WE GO.
THERE WE GO. >> I DIDN'T FEEL A THING.
>> YEP. IT'S TOTALLY PAINLESS.
>> NO. I MEANT FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS,
I HAVEN'T FELT A THING. JUST KIND OF WATCHED THE COUNTRY
BURN. >> OKAY.
I'M NOT A THERAPIST, BUT I THINK YOU'RE ALL SET.
YOU HANDLED IT LIKE A CHAMP. HERE IS YOUR LOLLIPOP.
>> OH A LOLLY. WELL, IT'S 5:00 SOMEWHERE.
>> EXCUSE ME. HELLO.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. KAMALA HARRIS, YOU CAN'T SEE MY
BARE FOREARMS LIKE THIS. >> I PROMISE YOU, I AM NOT
INTERESTED. >> HOW DID YOU GET INTO THE
WHITE HOUSE? >> I WON MORE VOTES.
>> I SUPPOSE YOU AND JOE MIGHT BE IN HERE SOON IF, IF THOSE
ELECTION RESULTS HOLD UP. OH!
>> YOU DO NOT -- >> OKAY.
I'M SORRY. TRUMP MADE ME DO IT.
HE SAYS I HAVE TO OVERTURN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE OR HE'LL MAKE
ME -- HE'LL MAKE MY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST PUBLIC.
>> I HAVE GOOD NEWS, MIKE. >> OH MY GOD, BTS IS TOURING
AGAIN? >> EVEN THOUGH YOU LOST, YOU
COULD STILL COME BACK FROM THIS STRONGER THAN EVER, LIKE MY MAN
JOE BIDEN. GET IN HERE, JOE!
GET IN HERE, JOE! >> ALL RIGHT.
HEY THERE. >> JOE, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT
SOMEHOW. >> YEP.
I'M LIKE COLONEL SANDERS. EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME, I'M A
DIFFERENT GUY. THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT BY
THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, I'M GOING TO BE MARIO LOPEZ.
WHERE THE VACCINE AT? >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING IT
ON MONDAY, JOE. >> KAMALA WANTS ME TO GET IT
OVER WITH. >> I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU JOE,
ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'RE IN A CAST ON DAY MINUS 40 IN OFFICE.
>> YOU HAVE A REAL LEADER AGAIN. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST
CABINET IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN POLITICS.
>> I WILL MAKE SURE I NEVER MAKE JOE EXPLAIN WHAT HE MEANS BY
DIVERSE. THAT IS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO
YOU. >> CELEBRATE KWANZA.
>> THANK YOU ALL FOR WATCHING. OH MY GOD.
>> I HEARD THEY WERE GIVING OUT FREE MEDS.
>> RUDY, ARE YOU OKAY? >> RUDY, WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH
YOUR FACE? >> I THINK ALL MY BODILY FLUIDS
ARE TRYING TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM ME.
PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS TRYING TO TOUCH MYSELF, I WAS ACTUALLY
TRYING TO TUCK MY BLOOD BACK IN. >> OH MY GOD.
>> IF YOU SEE BLACK LIQUID RUNNING DOWN MY LEGS, THAT WAS
JUST PUBE DYE. >> WHAT?
CAN YOU GIVE THIS MAN A SHOT, PLEASE?
>> FOR WHAT, RABIES? >> YOU DON'T JOKE ABOUT THE MARE
OF 7-ELEVEN. >> WAIT.
7-ELEVEN? >> YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
>> EXCUSE ME. >> DR. CARSON?
>> YES, IT IS I, DR. BENJAMIN CARSON.
I CAME IN HERE TO ASK, WHAT DO I DO?
>> IN TERMS OF THE VACCINE? >> NO.
IN TERMS OF MY JOB. WHAT IS IT THAT I DO?
I'VE BEEN SITTING ALONE IN A DARK OFFICE FOR THE PAST FOUR
YEARS AND NO ONE HAS TOLD ME WHAT TO DO.
>> IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW. WE'RE ALL LEAVING IN A COUPLE OF
WEEKS. >> CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL ME WHAT
MY JOB WAS? I'D LIKE TO PUT IT ON MY RESUME.
>> WEREN'T YOU A BRAIN SURGEON? >> AIN'T NOBODY GOING TO BELIEVE
THAT NOW. FIDDLE DAMN DIDDLE.
>> YOU CAN BUY THE VACCINE IN THE SODA FRIDGE AT CVS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK --
>> IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!