As a writer for The Infographics Show, a lot of my work is pretty research heavy – from
finding out the properties of rare poisons, to the weapons favoured by soldiers in the
Turkish military.
So, when I got a new assignment from my Infographics Show overlords that said “Play GTA V Online”,
I was elated.
As someone who’s already a big fan of the hit franchise that essentially lets you roleplay
as a complete sociopath in a lovingly detailed cityscape, this felt like the perfect assignment
for me.
That’s when I saw the fine print, and my heart dropped.
“Play GTA V online…as a normal person.”
That means no murder, no theft, no crazy missions – and honestly, no crimes more severe than
tearing the tag out of your new mattress.
Seems easy enough, right?
Wrong!
Anyone who’s played GTA V online will tell you it’s basically like The Purge, complete
with heavy weaponry and goofy costumes.
If you’re not in a crew – which, as a normal person, I couldn’t be – it’s
basically a kill-or-be-killed, battle royale free-for-all.
Still, orders are orders, and I began my mundane GTA V Online journey in the simplest way I
could imagine: Getting myself a makeover.
In the beautiful city of Los Santos, appearance is everything, so it made sense to make my
first port of call getting myself a fashionable new outfit.
First order of business is Ponsonby’s, GTA’s resident up-market clothes store, for a tasteful
designer shirt and slacks combo – the uniform of middle-class white dads everywhere.
As I select my clothes, I notice other players speeding by outside in what look like neon-coloured
Ferraris, exchanging gunfire.
Normally, I’d run out, guns blazing, and join in.
But no, thanks to my Infographics bosses, I’m playing the goody two shoes version
of this game.
I’m not even carrying any loaded weapons on my person, just for extra realism.
Thankfully, the two yahoos outside are too busy blasting each other to notice me.
With my threads looking fine, I decide all I need now to make that perfect Los Santos
first impression is a killer haircut.
And I don’t just go anywhere for this haircut – I go to the high-end Bob Mulét salon
up in Rockford Hills, the best place for a fancy-schmancy new do.
When I have a style that I think best suits my charming personality, I’m finally ready
to venture out and take on the world.
But as soon as I step out onto the streets of Rockford Hills, I’m greeted by a man
in his underwear, wearing a rubber monkey mask.
His gamer tag reads “N00BSLAYER3000”.
And, of course, he’s carrying a claw hammer.
Normally I’d pull out my own weapon and engage, but not this time, chief.
I turn and prepare to start button mashing, hoping I’d at least be able to lose the
monkey man, but no such luck.
Before I even really got a chance to start running, Monkey Man was on my rear.
Before I could even engage my headset to tell him I was a writer for The Infographics Show
researching for a video, he’d already brained me with the hammer.
The familiar “WASTED” sign flashed up on the screen, and I knew I was in for a rough
session.
Still, in the world of GTA V, it takes more than death to keep a good writer down.
As soon as I respawned, I made a mental note to personally track down Noob Slayer next
time I was playing this for real, and continued with my research.
As the name suggests, driving is a huge part of the game.
But, seeing as I can’t steal a car like any other player would, I invest in a modest
Schafter Sedan.
It definitely isn’t the fastest car in the game, but it handles well, and without a criminal
empire behind me, I can’t exactly afford to blow a million on a new ride.
Of course, as I drive around scenic Los Santos, I obey all the traffic laws of the land.
Never once do I speed, or merge illegally, or even run a red light.
It seems that things are actually going well for once, as there’s an almost comforting
rhythm to colouring in the lines when it comes to cruising around town.
I’m at a stop light in Downtown LS, watching the pedestrians cross in front of me, when
I suddenly hear a heavy rumbling coming from behind.
This…can’t be good.
Just was I was swivelling my camera to see what all the commotion was about; I saw a
tank approaching behind me.
This time, driven by “FoYoMama69X420.”
Great.
Wonderful.
Even if I was playing offensively, a tank would be a challenge, but playing as a normal
person, I was basically a sitting duck.
If only those traffic lights could go green in the nick of time, I might be able to stage
a cunning, last-minute escape, but no luck.
I let out a sigh and rubbed my eyes as FoYoMama’s tank fired an explosive round that blew myself
and several of the cars and pedestrians around me to kingdom come.
Yep, you guessed it: WASTED.
Once I’d revived and collected the insurance pay out from my devastated personal vehicle,
I decided that I needed some time away from the violence-filled urban sprawl where I’d
just been blown to smithereens.
Instead, I wanted to take a relaxing drive up into the slopes of Mount Chiliad – the
tallest mountain in Los Santos.
Hopefully there’d be a lower population density, and fewer fellow players who’d
be eager to bust a cap or two into my behind.
Scenic natural environments and not being murdered in cold blood?
That’s a win-win situation in my book, buddy.
It was creeping into dusk as I drove up the winding roads of Mount Chiliad in my newly
unexploded Schafter Sedan.
The sky was beautiful, the world around me was quiet and serene.
It was just me, my car, and the mountain.
Which is why, when I heard the sudden roar of jet engines up above me, I knew something
was horribly wrong.
Suddenly, I was skidding from side to side as the ground around me was lit up by a volley
of intense machine gun fire.
All in all, my evasive manoeuvres served me pretty well, as my hardy sedan only took some
minor shots from the P-996 LAZER fighter jet that was chasing me down.
I was naively hopeful enough that I thought I might even survive this tense encounter,
when the flying turd – whose gamer tag, by the way, was “Swag Killer” – let
off an air-to-surface missile.
The resulting explosion lit up the mountain, and what was left of me could probably be
scraped off the mountain road with a toothbrush.
Once again: WASTED.
All for trying to take a nice drive through nature.
Getting constantly murdered for just trying to live a normal life was really starting
to run up my medical bills, and because we can’t even escape capitalism in video games,
I needed at least something that resembled a real-life job.
Problem was, outside of playing the real estate mogul – which I really didn’t have the
money for – all the standard money-making methods in GTA V Online are criminal in nature.
But, I’m not a writer at The Infographics Show for nothing – Not having a vanilla
job just opened up an opportunity to get creative.
And by creative, I mean I started offering a taxi service.
Is this an official feature of GTA V online?
No.
But a number of players had taken up the habit of using a local garage to mod their car yellow,
and add a taxi service insignia.
With that, I began pulling up alongside fellow players in the game, honking my horn, and
offering them a ride.
They would then either hop on mic, or send me a text message, telling me exactly where
they wanted to go.
It was honest, normal work for an honest, normal GTA V player.
Well, it was – until two players dressed as clowns decided to take a ride in the back
of my makeshift cab.
In my heart, part of me knew this was going to end badly, but my average joe character
probably wouldn’t.
That’s why I obliged them in their request to be driven out to Sandy Shores in the dead
of night, where they were headed for unknown reasons.
A ride’s a ride, so I took them there, and aside from a few moments where they leaned
out the windows and blasted a few pedestrians with Micro-SMGs, it was a pretty chill journey.
Until, of course, we reached our destination.
At that point, the two clowns exited the vehicle.
Rather than thanking me, one of them pulled me out of the driver’s seat and punched
me in the face with brass knuckles.
Before I could even turn on my headset to give the duo a few choice words that I can’t
repeat here if we want to keep the monetisation on this video, it was already over.
The other clown had thrown down a Molotov cocktail and set me ablaze.
They then detonated my humble taxi with a grenade as I burned to death in the sand.
WASTED.
And that was my last day in the taxi business, too.
This may have been “Grand Theft Auto”, but I wasn’t feeling too grand, theft was
prohibited, and I was getting really sick of automobiles.
That’s why I ditched the car entirely, and decided to instead partake in some wholesome,
normal, physical activities.
The coastal city of Los Santos has the gorgeous Vespucci Beach, where you could exercise,
sunbathe, or even go for a swim.
I decided to do just that, and explore the wonderful detail of the underwater environments
just off the coast.
There were jet skis zipping around up above the water, but they weren’t paying me any
mind.
Until one stopped, and the driver jumped down into the water.
I figured “Maybe they just wanted to explore too”, until they started making a beeline
towards me, swimming straight down to my location, holding a knife.
I was already running a little short on air, so I had nowhere to go but up – straight
into the path of their slashing blade, turning me into Los Santos Sushi.
I was WASTED before I even hit the surface.
So, the sea proved to be a hazardous no-go-zone.
I decided instead to revisit my old enemy: Mount Chiliad, hoping to hike up to its highest
peak and take a selfie to commemorate the moment.
And it was indeed a challenging hike, making my way up the mountain’s treacherous slopes,
constantly paranoid that another player would sneak up and slaughter me again.
But thankfully, nobody was even nearby on the map when I reached the peak.
It was a glorious sense of victory for my little GTA V Online Normal Guy, and the victory
selfie would be even sweeter.
So, I turned on the camera and framed up the shot with a nice big smile.
Problem was, I wasn’t the only person framing up a shot.
Far away down the mountain, too far for me to even really register them as a threat,
another player was locking my head in the sights of their heavy sniper rifle.
Right as I was about to take my shot, they took theirs, and my head was practically blown
off my shoulders before I even had a chance to take a picture.
WASTED.
After getting wasted again and again and again, I decided it was time to get…well, wasted.
Seeing as I’d died more times than Sean Bean, I felt like this Normal Guy had earned
himself a drink.
I sauntered on down to the nearest GTA Online strip club to admire some of the local sights,
and most importantly, get hammered with shot after shot after shot.
By the time I felt like my character had had enough, he was stumbling out of the bar, the
world all blurry around him, camera shaking.
I hadn’t even had a drop in real life, and I was starting to feel light-headed just looking
at him.
That’s when I saw a floating shape in the distance.
For a second, I thought I must’ve been seeing things, or going crazy, as what appeared to
be a flying DeLorean car was speeding towards me through the shaking sky.
Had I accidentally wandered into Back To The Future?
No, as it turns out, this was just another player – once again, the dreaded N00BSLAYER3000
– driving a Deluxo flying car straight towards me.
I was a little too drunk to even attempt running away, so when one of the car’s advanced
homing missiles swooped in and blew me straight to hell, it honestly felt almost merciful.
WASTED.
So, that concluded my journey into trying to live a normal life on GTA V Online.
What have we learned from our little adventure?
Well, in this irritated Infographics Show writer’s humble opinion, GTA Online is a
hell of a lot more fun when you can shoot back.
Check out “What if You Woke Up As An NPC in GTA 5 Online” for more wacky adventures
in Los Santos, and “Why The Most Expensive Video Game Ever Will Never Be Released”
for more insane video game facts!