-Today we've got 10 rules of positive parenting for better behavior.
I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins.
- And I'm Vicki Jenkins, let's do this in countdown style.
Be sure to stick around for number one.
Everybody loves a countdown.
So, let's do one for parenting to increase better behavior.
- This will be good.
Coming at number ten, yell less.
One of our top videos here in the channel is how to get kids to listen without yelling
and we all get trapped there sometimes.
This is one of the first things that we want to eliminate.
Yell us.
- Number nine, smile more.
Sound simple right?
- This makes kid's nervous actually.
But it also changes the energy of the home.
Do a little experiment.
Just pick a few hours during the day when you intentionally smile more.
One of the moms in our coaching group did this with their kids.
It was amazing what she notices from that and she actually got feedback from her kid's
that it made a difference for them too.
Smile more.
Here's number eight on our countdown chose to enjoy every stage.
-Hmm the stages huh.
- And every stage of development.
Because there are fun things to enjoy when your kids are infants.
When they're toddlers.
When they're young children.
When they're older children even when they're teenagers there's things that you can enjoy.
The part that I wanna emphasize here Vicki is the choice.
-Yes, it's your choice.
They can act the choice to enjoy the stage your child is in.
-And I tell you, see it as a choice it's not and it's easy to get trap in that.
So, make a conscious effort to do that.
That's number eight.
Coming in at number seven, focus on the relationship.
-As supposed to?
-The outcome.
You know, I think so often we get so just attached to, "I want my child to be like this,
to do this..."
We could just focus on relationships.
How was the child feeling about himself when I'm interacting with them?
- One of the ways that we said this recently in a family reunion where I was facilitating
some family development.
Relationships before rules but still rules.
Were still gonna be doing the rules but putting that relationship first that's what the focus
needs to be.
The sixth rule of positive parenting for better behavior is to get good at consequences.
Now, what do you mean by consequences?
Consequences for misbehavior, basically or consequences for the things that you're working
with your kids on for better behavior.
We got to get good at consequences.
A lot of parents run into frustrations because they're not sure what kinds of consequences
to use.
Where not gonna run into details about that on this particular video.
We've got other resources for you on that.
But you got to get good at it.
This is a skill set for parents.
So, expect to do some work.
Expect to do some practice and get the help that you need to get good at consequences.
So, mentioning those resources just take a moment to subscribe right here.
We've got lots of ideas for you on how to tailor the consequences to bring about better
behavior.
Rule number five, detach from the outcomes.
-This is a hard one.
-This is a really hard one because we often think that our parenting is just by the way
our children behave or the outcomes and really we are trying to get better behavior right.
This is kind of counterintuitive.
We wanna detach from the outcome even though the reason we're doing this is to hopefully
bring about a better outcome.
-Well, a psychological reason for this because somebody has to be attached to the outcome,
and if it's you it's not your kid and they're very efficient in their thinking.
Okay, so, your kid is thinking all the time.
"Hmmm, should I worry about this or should I let somebody else worry about this?", somebody
else is easier.
If moms worried about this I'll just let her worried about it.
Dad's sweating, he can sweat and then they detach from the outcome.
We want them to attach to it so we get to detach.
Not easy, but powerful.
Coming in at number four of our countdown of positive parenting for better behavior,
stage not age.
Write this down somewhere and think about it a little bit.
Stage the first two-stage or moral development and different kids at different ages can be
on different stages.
So, you might have a younger child who's very mature and makes good decisions and cooperates
in all days.
You might have a teenager who does exactly the opposite.
- You know I remember in a seminar we get once when a parent the lightbulb went on.
They have, they're a parent of a child who has special needs, and all of a sudden it's
like *ding* oh, she's at this stage.
Just because she's this old does not mean she's on this stage and just kind of change
all of the way that this man approaches parenting now.
Because he understood what stage not age.
It's powerful for him.
-And the stages are something that determines how we do our discipline.
What kind of consequence do we use.
So, the fact that your child is 13 and demanding of a phone.
The fact that your child is 17 and demanding some independence doesn't mean they are mature
enough for that yet.
That has to do with the stage of moral development.
So, just write it down somewhere, stage not age.
Well, put some other resources in place to help you understand what that means.
That's absolutely important.
-Rule number three is one of my favorites it is to love your children.
That is a great strategy for positive parenting that helps bring about better behavior.
-This is your job as a parent.
What is your job?
Do love them.
No matter what and even if.
This comes naturally to most parents but we need to acknowledge it as one of the rules
of positive parenting.
Probably this one didn't surprise you either because you know how important love is to
positive parenting.
Notice that, there's still two rules left, and even though this is your number job as
a parent, to love them no matter what and even if.
There's still a couple of things that we need to pay attention to.
-So, that brings us to rule number two and that is to take care of the team.
Remember, this team is something that you are going to develop.
It might be you or your husband.
Might be you and a parent.
Might be you and a best friend.
I don't know, but you have to take care of that team.
There's an old saying that it takes a village to raise a child.
It takes a team at the very least.
When a team is strong the child has the best shot at success.
That's why we're saying this.
Let me give you a quick example.
Sometimes parents feel a little guilty getting a babysitter or someone who takes care of
the kids a little while, while they go out and take care of the team they're relationship.
Ultimately, this is one of the biggest gifts that you can give to your children.
The strength of that team secures them to create more safety and predictability in their
world.
I worked for about 13-14 years doing child custody evaluations for the court.
Bitter, angry divorcing people couldn't figure out how o share their kids.
The team was fractured and there's still things you can do if you're in multiple household
family to strengthen that team and to give those children the stability and security
that they need.
What can even be more important than loving your children and taking care of the team?
Rule number one, we're at the final part of our countdown today, take care of yourself.
-That's still counterintuitive as a parent, doesn't it?
Taking care of yourself but it's the most important rule of positive parenting.If you're
out of the picture then you're out of the picture and your kids need you.
Also, there's another aspect to this Vicki.
That I don't talk a lot about in this particular channel.
But this is important.
If you're not taking care of yourself who is taking care of you?
And if the answer is your children this is backward and that will damage your children.
They should not be in the position where they have to take care of the parents and tell
me later in life when you get old and you need to take care of them.
I'm talking about when they're young and when they're going to these important developmental
stages.
I've seen this in my clinical practice.
Where children because of addiction or other disabilities or problems have to take care
of their parents.
We want you to be the very best parent that you can be for your child.
That means you get to take care of yourself.
That's the number one rule.
-You've got this.
-There are so many resources is available to you and that next video is going to give
you some tools that will help you teach your kids responsibility.
Cue that one up next.