- What's up Believe Nation?
It's Evan, my one word is believe.
And I believe in people more than they believe in themselves
and my sincere hope is that if you see in you,
what I see in you, you'll be able to change the planet.
And so to help you on your journey,
I started the Believe Love series to
try to help entrepreneurs with their relationships because
running a business is really hard.
And managing a relationship is hard enough ...
normally, now inject entrepreneurship at the same time.
It can be really difficult.
We've run a couple in this series, and unfortunately
this is going to be the last one in the series
because it didn't have the impact that I was looking for.
So we're going to be looking at introducing
a couple new series ideas.
But we have this one last one, just for you guys.
It's advice from Sage and Tony Robbins
on the five disciplines of love.
Enjoy!
- This is your checklist for the rest of your life.
If somethings not working in your relationship,
this is the first place you go.
Five disciplines of love and three of passion.
These five disciples are what the game is all about.
The first discipline we call
the discipline of unconditional love and compassion.
The discipline, why do we call it a discipline?
Because you don't always feel unconditionally loving
and you don't always feel compassionate.
If your triggers get fired, if something triggers your
masculine or feminine-- you know, animal in you,
that survival instinct in you, based on something going on,
you may not show up so unconditional
in your love and compassion.
What this really means, put it in one phrase,
"Put your lover ..." what?
- [Audience Member] First.
- It's not about you.
That's the law, you put your lover first.
If you hare having problems in your relationship,
I can promise you
that the problem you're having right now is you're feeling
pain right now, and it's because you're focused on yourself,
not your partner.
You're focused on what you're not getting.
You're focused on what your partners not giving you.
You're focused on something that's not happening there.
This is the number one flaw.
You want to have an extraordinary relationship?
Tear up your rules, make this your number one rule.
Number one rule is, my lover comes first.
My number one rule is, if you're in love,
you put their feelings and needs before your own.
Second discipline real quick,
the discipline of absolute courage and vulnerability.
Absolute courage and vulnerability.
This is learning to love no matter what.
I mean, truly, no matter what.
Now, how many people are going to do that?
Not many.
Not many people are going to be extraordinary relationship.
But what I mean by this is, if you have courage
and vulnerability, that means you tell the truth.
That means you open up.
Most people, out of a lack of courage, hold back their gift.
This idea that you're going to give pain
to somebody you love, you're going to punish them,
that takes no courage, that takes no vulnerability.
That's just stupidity.
So the more vulnerable you are, the more power you have,
'cuz love penetrates all.
Third law, is the law of positive intent.
The discipline I should say, of positive intent.
By the way, discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.
Discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.
You don't follow these disciplines,
you're going to have regret ... Right?
They're disciplines, they're commitments,
they're things you're going to do no matter what.
Discipline means even if it's not easy,
you still do it, right?
Discipline is, it's a habit.
That's what a discipline is, it's a habit.
The discipline of positive intent.
You know the deeper truth that this is a no blame game.
You know that when something happens, no matter what it was,
like when I said that to her, my girl knew.
She and I made a decision early on.
I decided, and this is the decision I encourage you
to make if you haven't made it,
or make it anew if you haven't made it in years.
I decided I knew this woman's soul.
This woman's soul was as pure as anything
I could ever dream of in my life.
I knew that I loved this woman, her soul was pure.
So no matter what happened I would serve her
and no matter what happened, no matter what she said,
no matter what she did, I would know
even if I couldn't figure out how, the intent was pure.
The intent was wanting to get closer.
It looked mean, but she's scared.
It looks vicious, but she's just freaked out, you know?
And the same thing with me.
He looks like he's an unconscious asshole.
He just doesn't know.
It looks like he doesn't give a (jumbled audio).
He's actually a masculine male and this is what they do.
We shifted the meaning to,
always there's an empowering meaning
'cuz there's never negative intent.
No matter what it looks like, no matter what was said.
And by having that, along with that, there's positive intent
and since no blame game, we immediately apologize.
It doesn't matter what has happened,
if there's any argument we have, it's a playful argument,
which is I'm taking responsibility
and she's taking responsibility.
No honey it was my fault, no it was my fault.
And its like, and we mean it sincerely.
It doesn't matter what it is,
'cuz I hold myself, as whatever she's feeling,
ultimately it's my responsibility.
Even if I didn't intend it, that's it.
So I take responsibility.
I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry your feeling were hurt.
She does it with me also.
And since we both are constantly doing it,
it makes it like there's nobody ever blaming somebody else.
So think about this, we put each other first.
If we find we're not, we change that immediately.
Right? We immediately look at,
we got to be courage and vulnerable.
We got to tell the truth, that's really what that is,
Tell the truth with kindness, with love,
with making nobody wrong
'cuz we both know we have positive intent.
You break through all the (jumbled audio) with this.
- And with an apology, rather than, "I'm sorry you ...",
always have I.
- [Tony] Yes.
- Always I, "Honey I'm sorry today when I upset you."
Or, "I'm sorry today if I upset you."
Having the word I, and owning, it neutralizes.
It's such a crazy,
as we so underrate an apology of ownership.
Owning something, who cares when you love each other,
who cares about being right or wrong.
And if there really is an unconscious action
and even if it wasn't your intent,
even if it wasn't unconscious,
even if it was a misinterpretation, who cares.
Own it, you own it and it neutralizes that and it only like,
brings you closer, its extraordinary.
- And you got to remember no matter what they did,
that's not who they are.
If you can remember that,
human behavior is not a reflection of the human spirit.
Often its a reflex action
of the animal inside of us.
And if you can know that you know their spirit
and you know their soul,
then you know when people get insecure,
when they get uncertain, when they go in survival ...
I've done it, you've done it, we've all done it.
So, instead of judging and making them wrong
because you're scare of being hurt again,
you're going to come back to I know what their intent is,
I know it's positive.
When you question my intent, you end the relationship.
You question my behavior,
you got every right to do that, even if I disagree with you.
You just never question intent.
I've underlined that, I've bolded, I go on.
If you question intent, you are destroying the relationship.
So when you look at somebody, usually you subscribe,
either what you would do,
or if you dislike something about them
or you're in a bad state,
you'll come up with the worst reason why they did it.
It's never the truth.
They did it to meet some needs, same as you.
But underneath it, if you know their soul,
you just don't question their intent.
Now think of it, if you just did these three things
what would be destroyed on your list?
Oh we got our kids, blah blah blah, but wait a second.
My wife comes first, my husband comes first, you know what?
Bottom line is, I trust and love them.
These kids are going to be great, I'm going to bend.
I'm going to find something here for him.
I'm going to find something here for her. Right?
And I'm making this so crazy, I'm so upset.
What am I really upset about?
I'm upset thinking
my kids are not going to be the way I want them to be,
not my kids are going to be the way they're meant to be.
So it's really about me again, right?
Discipline of absolute courage, you know,
"Honey, I just want to talk to you, I'm concerned.
"This is how I was raised.
"I know you were raised differently.
"Vulnerably, I love you, I love you the way you are.
"You're a rebel, you love me, I have rules.
"Maybe our kids will be okay with that too.
"What do you think?"
Finding some way, you know,
knowing that there's positive intent will kill any anger
or upset inside this peace.
Fourth one, of the five disciplines.
Fourth is the discipline of honorable language
and moment-to-moment awareness.
Honorable language.
There is power in love, adoration and praise.
And most of us don't use it enough.
Most of us don't praise enough,
and when I say praise make a note,
if you're going to praise your man or your woman,
you must praise them specifically not generally.
But moment-to-moment, being consciously aware
of the impact that you're having with your language
and your presence on your partner and your language as well.
Body language, words, deeds, its knowing you have an impact,
and seeing that impact.
You know, if I'm doing something and I look over
and I see my girl is not in a great place,
I don't continue.
So what happens, for a woman to understand is,
we get information men, and if we hear a word,
words go into that file in our brain, left hemisphere.
Emotions go on the other side.
But when you say a word to a woman it hits both hemispheres.
Just like if I asked you,
"Where were you on
"the 11th of August in 2001?"
But if I asked you where were you on 9/11,
how many remember exactly where you were in the room
when you heard about it, or you were there and you saw it.
'Cuz information with emotion is remembered forever.
And for women, words that you say mean a lot
'cuz determine if she's pleasing you or not,
and those words get connected to emotion
and you might just be saying things.
'Cuz guys say things all the time, right?
And when you're that upset gentlemen
there's no where to go,
you're never going to hurt that woman in a million years,
so the only way to let go of some of the pressure
is yell or scream or use some words.
But then she takes those words in and she's hurt by it.
- And here's a trick.
I'm married to a very passionate man.
He's married to certainly, a very passionate woman.
And little, you know, we made decisions, never,
"I hate you", never "I'm going to leave you" and not "F-U".
Tone will say, "F, F, F, Mother F"
like I mean it can come flying out of his mouth
and have such a level of intensity.
But "F, for F sakes. Chip cachip cachoo"
whatever that might be is different than--
- [Tony] Never to you,
that and one other big one I'll give you is,
if you ever threaten the end of the relationship, end it.
- [Sage] Yup.
- Because if you ever threaten it,
when people are going to their button on the button,
you know just to threaten it 'cuz they're so frustrated,
the moment you do that, somewhere in the psyche
of your partner they think, "Oh my God, they can leave me.
"And I might, I'm going to have to do this first."
And so they put their finger on the button
and then all it takes is enough times of doing that,
enough years of doing that
and one day somebody will push the button.
If you are committed to the relationship you're in,
bend for life.
- [Sage] Yes.
- For multiple lifetimes, for those of you
who are going to some back six and seven times,
like some of the people here did.
You bend, for multiple lifetimes.
I will never, ever, ever threaten.
Never, neither of you ever threatens to leave.
If you threaten to leave, relationships over.
It might take three more years,
five more, 10 years, but its over.
If you want to be in a relationship with this person,
don't ever, ever, ever threaten.
If you did it before, it's off limits forever.
No exceptions, doesn't matter how mad you are,
angry you are, sad you are, never.
You're not unconscious with your language
and unconscious with your deeds, you're aware of the impact
and you correct it immediately.
You constantly realize,
"I'm pissed off, I'm hurt, I'm sad, its about me.
"Let me step out of me, I'm into something bigger here."
Right? I'm not about that, I'm about something bigger.
It's what do they need, let me step out,
and you do that enough times, it'll become a habit.
Then finally number five, the discipline of giving freedom.
Giving freedom.
Men live for freedom, women need it also.
But it comes in different forms and it's the power of
forgiving, forgetting, and flooding.
Forgiving, forgetting and flooding.
Now women seem to have more of a difficulty with forgetting.
(audience laughs)
But, you can be forgiving.
And forgiveness is when you realize
that what you thought happened, didn't really happen.
You gave it a meaning that doesn't really match reality.
You're expecting your partner
to be something different than they are.
Flooding is one of the most valuable skills
you can do in your life.
If you don't flood,
you'll have a hard time forgiving and forgetting.
- [Sage] And we flood our magic moments, I mean--
- [Tony] All the time.
- All the time, and we capture them.
You know, we have our little app of a journal
that we capture all of our, just our beautiful moments.
After this event, when we get home on Sunday,
we'll spend an hour and just capture all the beautiful
moments that happened here.
Everything that was funny, everything that was beautiful,
everything that was touching.
'Cuz otherwise, it's just, it's actually what Nicole
was talking about, 'member she talked about framing?
You have a peak experience
and you actually give words to it,
and that frames it and it helps to get to that place.
It's just like, you bypass all that effort
that took you there,
and then that's you're next starting point.
And then you have another peak experience,
and then you share that and you frame it,
and you give language and you give words to it.
And then boom, you set the bar higher.
A lot of times what happens is, we, magic happens in life.
Grace pours, and we don't give words to it.
We don't celebrate it, we don't recognize it,
we don't see it, we don't appreciate it.
In putting words to that, of appreciation
and reliving and experiencing it, it is, I would say
it's one of the top 10 things for us that we do that just,
it ignites that feeling, and just of utter appreciation
and we always capture it,
so we can always go back and read it.
It's so beautiful.
- [Sage] Okay. This is something to share.
So when we first--
- [Tony] Its called a set up. - [Sage] ... it's true.
He was so, oh my gosh,
like I mean rigid, militant, blue.
Like so intense about these things, and so
anytime that anybody would talk about eggs,
he was just like, and did what felt like he was not vicious,
but it felt like that level of intensity.
And so, we were together
and I was feeling like I needed more protein,
and we share everything.
And it was so crazy 'cuz I started to eat eggs
and I literally, and I didn't tell him--
- [Tony] Oh my God!
- No this sounds nuts, but I did not tell him
and I felt like I was having a fricken affair with an egg.
And I would literally go into the pantry
and I'd eat the eggs and I'm like, "This is nuts."
Like this is just crazy, it seems ridiculous.
("Chicken Dance" playing)
- [Sage] (laughing) And I (laughing) ...
And it sounds nutty, but I put so much energy
into hiding my egg eating and then it got to the day
when I was like this is outrageous, this is out of hand.
And I sat him down.
- [Tony] So she finally came out---
- Finally told him.
- [Tony] She shared with me
the affair she'd been having with eggs.
(Sage and audience laughs)
And I was crestfallen.
- [Sage] It's crazy.
- I still hate them.
- [Sage] He does.
- [Tony] I still hate 'em.
- And I still eat them (laughing).
I really love breakfast.
I love my eggs and I love my breakfast and he's--
- [Tony] I love her.
So I love an egg eater, now you know the truth.
- [Sage] Yup.
- So we disagree completely,
but we love each other.
So that's how you balance it out, you get it?
You get it?
You put love first.
You love more than your rules.
And it makes you a better human being,
because it opens you up,
because lots of things were making life and death
that really aren't.
They really aren't.
- Thank you guys so much for watching.
I hope you enjoyed.
I'd love to know what did you think of this video?
Is there something that you're going to immediately apply
somehow to your life, after watching it?
And again, thank you for joining me on the
Believe Love Series.
It was a fun ride while it lasted.
You can go back and watch the other videos
in this series as well, and it's sad that its over.
But I'm looking forward to bringing you something new,
as a test experiment, and see what you think.
Thank you guys again for watching.
I believe in you.
I hope you continue to believe in yourself,
and whatever your one word is.
Much love, I'll see you soon.