- There's no need for any "Jurassic Park" sequels,
'cause it's one of them places you go one time
and you're good,
like Reno, Nevada.
(soft music)
I'm Clayton English, this is "Dope Movies."
I smoke weed.
Then, I give you the recap of the movie.
A lot of times, it's better than the movie.
And welcome to "Jurassic Park."
It starts off strong, man.
We're at an archeological dig.
We got Alan Grant, we got Ellie Sattler.
They're sitting there dusting off bones.
A helicopter lands.
Out the helicopter jumps John Hammond,
all white, dressed like Colonel Sanders.
He walks in their trailer, "What's up, bitches?"
"Who are you?"
And he's like, "Oh, I paid for all this shit.
"I want you to come and do some research for me."
And they're like, "No, we got our own research
"we working here."
He's like, "I'll pay you 10 times more."
So they're like, "Oh shit, we gotta go."
They get on the helicopter, land on an island.
Welcome to Jurassic Park.
It's full of dinosaurs.
That's when you meet Dr. Ian Malcolm.
He's a mathematician, but it's Jeff Goldblum.
He got his shirt open and shit.
Button your shirt up.
We on a dinosaur island.
This ain't a sex cruise.
Oh, there's some kids.
I forgot about the kids.
Colonel Sanders got two kids.
They're not his kids.
They're his grandkids.
Tim, he knows way too much about dinosaurs.
Then we got Lex.
Lex is cool 'cause she knows computers.
Meanwhile, back in the lab,
fat dude's stealing secrets.
You know, Newman from "Seinfeld."
In this movie, he's Dennis Nedry.
He's stealing secrets.
He's selling a little espionage shit,
just being a creep.
He eating snacks.
He's like, "Hey, I need some more money here, John."
"I can't give you any more money.
"I spent it all on dinosaur jizz."
Newman like, "Ooh, I'ma steal some dinosaur juice.
"Then, I'm gonna sell it to the highest bidder."
So he sets up the system to go off,
so he could mask his escape.
And now, he's about to fuck the whole Jurassic Park up.
Hold on to your butts.
Dennis Nedry's trying to get off the island.
He driving in the rain,
get ate by a dinosaur I didn't know exists.
Some type of dinosaur
that got a big fan around his fucking face.
Back at the base, everybody trying to figure out the code.
Samuel L. Jackson in this bitch.
He's the other computer nerd in "Jurassic Park."
He wanna cuss, but he can't.
"I can't break the mother.
"I can't figure this code out."
"Ah, ah, ah, you didn't say the magic word."
Look, I'ma try to get it back online,
but I gotta do it manually.
I'ma have to go out there.
Soon as he leave, I'm like, "He dead."
He deader than a motherfucker.
Samuel L. Jackson might have made it
if he had one more black person,
just to be like, "I wouldn't go down there without a gun."
Meanwhile, it's time for the whole tour.
Alan Grant, Ian Malcolm, four first names sitting in a car.
The kids like 'em.
They're trying to ask them questions.
"Did you know that some of 'em have bicuspids?"
Alan Grant like, "Yeah, they'll rip your nuts
"to your esophagus, son."
So while they're on the tour,
power shuts off.
The little cars they're in shut off.
The goddamn electric fence shuts off.
The next thing you know, it's raining.
They got a goat out there for T-Rex to eat.
They don't see no T-Rex.
All the sudden you hear a loud doom!
Then, the water moves a little bit.
"Shh, you guys hear that?"
I didn't know dinosaurs liked goat.
Goat leg lands on top of their car.
Then, the T-Rex sees the lights, start attacking the car.
Like he wanna punch it, but he can't reach.
Alan Grant takes a flare, wave the flare.
"Hey, dinosaur, over here."
But then, Dr. Ian Malcolm,
he's like, "Ah, I gotta get some of this.
"The women gonna love this story."
So he jumps out.
He starts getting wet in the rain,
and he's like, "Hey, dinosaur, come get me!"
And meanwhile, everybody else is stuck
in the goddamn cafeteria.
Their granddad in there eating all the flavors of ice cream.
"Turn this power back on.
"Get us off this island."
"We'll do it tomorrow."
"But your grandkids are out there."
And he like, "I know, but I'm sleepy."
Jurassic bong time.
Man, grandkids out there, they wake up the next day,
everybody getting back to the main Jurassic Park entrance,
welcome center gift store.
The raptors, smart as shit.
These motherfuckers looking on the map,
they like, "You are here.
"They're probably in the cafeteria.
"Let's go."
Hunting two kids.
The kids running around trying to be safe
in the little kitchen.
The girl goes and hides.
She tells the boy, "Come on."
She bangs on the spoon to get the raptors attention,
'cause they're about to eat his ass.
The raptor sees her.
She tries to hide in a little cabinet,
some shit that closes down,
but she can't get it closed.
Boom, the raptor hits the other little cabinet shit,
because it's stainless steal.
And raptor's smart as hell, but can't figure out mirrors.
Kids get away.
Everybody's limping.
Ellie limping, some shit.
She stepped in triceratops' shit.
Dr. Ian Malcolm, he fucked up,
but he's still laying sexy and shit,
like he laying in the back
and he unbuttoned like one more button.
Door won't lock.
They gotta hold the door.
The little girl looks at the computer
and is like, "Oh, this is the Linux program.
"I know this."
Immediately '90s computer hacking,
"I found it," but it's too late.
They're surrounded by raptors.
Who shows up?
Mr. Short Arms himself, T-Rex walks through that bitch.
"Ah!
"Fuck are you all doing in here?"
Velociraptor's looking like, "Ah, let's kick his ass."
They're jumping on him.
Then T-Rex shake 'em off, kills all the raptors.
He lets out one more yell,
like he stubbed his toe, "Ah!"
And that's when John Hammond and them get on the helicopter
and get the hell out of there.
John Hammond couldn't even control his factory.
Oh!
It all makes senses now.
"Jurassic Park" is "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
Your man Hammond is Willy Wonka.
Damn, it took me this long
to realize "Jurassic Park" is "Willy Wonka"
with dinosaurs replacing the chocolate.
This is "Dope Movies."
Nobody asked for dinosaurs back.
We don't even know dinosaurs like that.
Bring some shit back people like.
Bring back my grandmas, how about that?
Grandma Park, bunch of grandmas running around.
"Did you eat today, baby?"
But no, you wanna bring back dinosaurs.