Alright, I was a big fan of airsoft guns
when I was a kid
If you don't know what an airsoft gun is Well, it's a plastic gun that kinda
Bridges the gap between the nerf gun and the semi-automatic rifle
It shoots little plastic BBs And after about a week
Your whole house is littered with them Your dad's dumping them out of the toaster
Your sister's digging them out of her ass crack
You just go around, shoot a bunch of holes in all the lampshades
I was the first kid on my block to get an airsoft gun
Run around to show off to everybody They're all mesmerized
"I could conquer the whole goddamn world with this thing!"
My buddy David literally took it out of my hand and he was like: "Ah, sweet! This it sweet!"
*cocks the gun and shoots*
*weeping*
"David, what the fuck?!"
It was my turn to shoot Michael in the face It was a bit of a trendsetter, I've got to say
Because like a week later every kid on the block had an airsoft gun
They didn't even have a normal airsoft guns, like I did
They had those fucking battery-powered M16 tactical shit
Fully automatic, get shot in the face 30 times in 4 seconds
Hold up a damn minute, Jesus, I'm using this stone age piece of crap
My shit looks like a Happy Meal toy compared to yours
Michael's over there, he doesn't even have an airsoft gun
He's like, shooting BBs through a fucking straw, like it's a blowgun
He's wearing his puffy-ass winter coat in the middle of July as body armor
There would always be somebody out of ammo trying to call a timeout
- Wait, wait a minute, timeout! - Bitch, there ain't no timeout in the airsoft
Get home with a bunch of red welts all over your body
like somebody gave you a smallpox blanket
I eventually upgraded my arsenal, threw my handgun out
and purchased a big ol' sniper rifle
Thing's bigger than my entire body Big ass scope on top of it
Like I was gonna assassinate a public official
Sure I didn't shoot fast like the other ones but the thing had some power
My friend's hiding behind the car and shit I just shoot through the fucking car
The first week when I got that rifle shot my cousin in the back
The following weekend we had a close casket funeral for him
Now, on one particular day we were playing capture the flag
And it's important to note at this time they didn't put those big ass orange tips
on these guns, like they do nowadays
to let you know it's a fake gun, nah. They'd just dab a bit of orange nail polish
on the end of that bitch and call it a day
And that kinda makes it a little hard for your neighbours to determine
if you're outside playing or if you're committing an act of domestic terrorism
"Yeah, hi, 911? There's a child with a deer rifle and he's running amok in the streets"
So I'm sitting there at my base, which is David's front yard
I'm peeking through my scope, like I'm about to put Lyndon B. Johnson into office
And I'm on the lookout for David. Now where's David at?
Well, David has ADHD, so he's not at his base and his not at my base
Hell, I don't even know if he even knew he was playing at the time
Probably forgot all about it, chasing a butterfly and shit
David decides to walk to one of the busiest streets in the city
And wave around what looks to be an automatic assault rifle in the air
Well, imagine David's surprise, when about 4 seconds later
Goddamn paddy wagon pulls up in front of him
Bunch of cops pile out they've got their guns drawn on this
completely oblivious, attention deficit child
I wasn't there, I was around the block waiting to shoot David in the teeth
with my Kennedy killer
But I bet that turd in his pants was massive!
It didn't take them long to figure out that David's gun wasn't real
Luckily he wasn't massacred on the street right there and then
They loaded his ass in the back of the wagon Like a wild animal that he is
And they pull up to the front of his house Now, I was there for this part
And I can say for sure that the turd in my pants was massive!
One cop get's out and he's like: "Put that goddamn rifle down!"
So I throw it like the gun was on fire David comes out of the back of the truck
looking like a shitty Dennis the Menace cartoon
"The hell do you think you kids are doing?"
"We're just playing!"
"Why is that kid wearing that puffy-ass coat It's 94 degrees outside!"
David's mom comes running out like they're filming an episode of Law&Order
Instead of getting a chance to meet Ice T She's got to deal with this bullshit
Now, the cops were really cool about this whole shitty situation
They gave David's mom our arsenal of plastic weapons
And they're like: "Well, we could've murdered your kid and got away with it, but uhh.."
"Well, we didn't, so you're welcome. Why don't you give them a wiffle ball bat..
"..or some shit to play with instead, Jesus Christ!"
So the moral of the story is
Don't be a fucking idiot waving a weapon around in the street!
http://www.brewstew.com/
Special thanks to: Geoffrey Mayer
Special thanks to: Ryan Earles
Special thanks to: Steven Meekel
Thanks for watching this shit