I often hear from Christians who tell me that they were so excited when they found a book
or an essay or a video or a sermon that helped them finally reconcile their faith with being
LGBTQ-affirming.
But then they send this book or essay or video or sermon to someone else whose mind they
want to change—their pastor, their mom, their friend.
And they don’t get the reaction they expect.
The other person isn’t convinced by it.
Now if the other person has better arguments, that’s one thing.
Maybe that video or essay wasn’t as good as the affirming Christian thought.
But what about when that’s not the issue?
What about when the affirming argument is strong and the other person doesn’t have
a good counterargument, but they’re just not convinced anyway?
And the affirming Christian comes back to me and says, “I still think this Bible argument
is really strong—it’s well-researched and it makes great points I’ve never seen
anyone else address.
At the very least, this other person should be taking it seriously—but they’re just
dismissing it out of hand.
Why aren’t they seeing what I’m seeing?
Am I nuts?”
And my answer is, “No, you’re not nuts.
But even the best arguments will fall flat if you don’t do one really important thing
first.”
When you’re trying to change someone’s mind, it’s important to have the right answer,
and it’s important to have a good argument for it.
But having the right answer is useless if the other person hasn’t yet asked the right
question.
You won’t get anywhere if you try to answer a question they haven’t asked yet.
For example, many astrophysicists now believe that the universe contains something called
dark matter—we can’t observe it, but we think it must be there because it’s the
only way we know to make sense of certain things we can observe.
Now a few centuries ago, if you tried to convince scientists that there was all this mysterious
dark matter in the universe, they probably would have laughed at you.
You could make great arguments for it, but if they thought their existing models already
explained everything just fine, they wouldn’t be convinced.
They’d think you’re complicating things for no good reason.
It wasn’t until scientists discovered things about the universe that didn’t fit their
existing models, that they started asking the question: “What could explain this?”
Only then was there a reason to start considering this idea of dark matter.
Well, the same principle applies here.
The reason that affirming Christian found that Bible sermon or video so compelling is
that it helped answer questions they were already asking.
Like those modern astrophysicists, they had already noticed problems with their previous
model.
They could see that something was wrong with the way their churches were treating LGBTQ
people, or they’d found holes in the way that they had always been taught to interpret
certain Bible passages.
They were looking for a way to make sense of it all, so when they found an answer that
did make sense of it, that was a revelation.
But if you take that same answer to someone who isn’t asking that question yet because
they don’t see anything wrong with the way their churches are treating folks or any holes
in how they’re interpreting Scripture—well, then they’re just going to dismiss your
answer, with or without counter-arguments, because they don’t think this new answer
you’re proposing is necessary.
You’re answering a question they haven’t asked yet.
And in almost every case, the reason they aren’t questioning their existing model
is that they still believe some common misconceptions about LGBTQ people.
So before you get into the Bible discussion, you need to clear up these misconceptions.
Until you do that, even the most powerful Bible argument will fall flat.
The specific misconceptions people have depend in part on whether you’re talking about
being gay, or bi, or trans, or something else.
But for the sake of illustration, let’s just say you’re talking about gay people.
Well, then before you get to the Bible analysis, you’re going to have to work through these
three misconceptions about gay people, in this order.
First, you would be shocked at the number of Christians who still, to this day, believe
that being gay is a choice.
Often, this stems from a misunderstanding about the word “gay” itself.
You might say “gay” meaning, “a person who’s attracted to the same sex,” but
to them, “gay” means “someone engaging in certain sexual behaviors” or “someone
living a particular ‘lifestyle’” or “someone who’s taken on a particular cultural
identity.”
However they define it, they think it’s something you can choose to be or not be.
It’s easy to assume that the smart, thoughtful person you’re talking to surely already
knows that being gay isn’t a choice.
Right?
But don’t just assume; ask them what they think.
You might be surprised.
And if your pastor, parent, or friend still thinks sexual orientation can be chosen, they
are not ready to dig into the complexities of the biblical argument, and they’re not
going to have a lot of compassion for someone they believe is choosing to rebel against
God’s created order.
For someone in this place, Bible arguments are going to be far less effective than just
giving them the chance to hear some stories of gay people’s experiences—especially
gay Christians.
I’ve got some recommended links in the description or also at geekyjustin.com/stories.
Once people realize that being gay isn’t a choice, they often move on to the second
misconception: Maybe you didn’t choose to be gay, but it could be changed through prayer
or therapy.
Again, it might be obvious to you that this “pray away the gay” thing doesn’t work.
But many folks in conservative churches have heard stories of people who claim they used
to be gay and became straight by trusting God.
These Christians often reason that if God can do anything and God doesn’t like homosexuality,
then of course God would make gay people straight if they wanted it.
And the testimonies they’ve heard from so-called “ex-gays” sound very convincing, so as
far as they’re concerned, that settles it: Anyone who’s gay could become straight if
they really wanted to.
Now, elsewhere, I’ve talked about the sad true stories of the ex-gay movement, and why
those supposed gay-to-straight testimonies are so misleading.
You probably already know this.
But the person you’re talking to probably doesn’t.
There’s a good chance that they still believe, deep down, that a gay person who really wants
to become straight can become straight.
And again, if they do believe that, they have no reason to reconsider their theological
views.
In their mind, if gay people are lonely or unhappy with the way things are, maybe that’s
a good thing because it will motivate them to turn to God or to get the therapy they
need to become straight.
And since the people who peddle those gay-to-straight stories tend to depict gay life as selfish
and empty and straight life as happy and fulfilling, people who believe those stories will often
think they’re actually doing you or your gay friends a favor by not accepting them
as gay.
So once again, the key to correcting this misconception is compelling stories—in this
case, about the truth of ex-gay ministries and the sordid history of conversion therapy.
Don’t bother sending your best Bible essays to someone who still believes anyone can become
straight.
You’ve got to address the misconception first.
I find that the most vocally anti-gay Christians usually believe at least one of those first
two misconceptions.
But sometimes you’ll encounter somebody who says, “I know no one chooses to be gay.
And I know it’s not possible for gay people to become straight.”
But they still seem weirdly dismissive of gay people’s struggles.
They might describe being gay as a “lifelong sexual temptation.”
They think about being gay as a sexual desire or fetish that God just says not to act on.
And they’ll compare it to other sexual behaviors people should abstain from.
They’ll say “it’s just like adultery—or pedophilia—or bestiality.
Just because you have a sexual desire doesn’t mean it’s okay to act on it.”
Or they might even compare it to heterosexual sex before marriage, saying things like, “Well,
it was hard for me to wait until I got married to have sex, but God calls us all to make
sacrifices, and gay people just have to abstain in the same way.”
Now, these Christians tend to be kinder and more compassionate to gay people than the
folks in the first two camps, but they’re still not ready for that Bible essay, because
there’s still one key piece they’ve misunderstood.
Being gay isn’t about sex.
Yeah, sex is a factor, just like it is for straight people, but ultimately, most gay
people want the same thing most straight people want: Human connection.
Relationship.
Intimacy.
Family.
Romance.
Not to be alone.
Focusing just on sex misses so much of the point.
Even churches with very conservative sexual ethics don’t prohibit straight members from
falling in love.
And there is absolutely no comparison between the sexual abuse of animals or children and
the desire for a life partner to grow old together with.
The only reason people make these comparisons is that deep down, they think being gay is
about sex, and so they compare it to any other sexual thing they can think of.
Just like the two other groups, people who hold this misconception may quote the Bible
to support their side, but they aren’t going to be very receptive to your Bible arguments,
no matter how strong they are.
They have no reason to reconsider their views, because at heart, what they think you’re
advocating for is a watered-down version of Christian morality where everyone should just
be able to act on every sexual impulse they have.
And yet again, the solution is deeply vulnerable personal stories.
These Christians need to learn about gay people’s lives in non-sexual contexts just like they
do with straight people, to see all the benefits of healthy relationships—which have nothing
to do with sex—and the pain and struggles and loneliness faced by many gay folks in
the absence of those relationships.
Dispelling these misconceptions doesn’t mean someone will change their theological
view, but it does lead to empathy—empathy that makes it way more likely that someone
will at least give your Bible argument a fair hearing.
As long as people believe these misconceptions, they just aren’t going to have as much empathy
and that makes it way easier for them to dismiss any Bible argument you make without truly
considering it.
That’s why, when I wrote my book Torn, I didn’t start with Bible arguments; I started
with personal stories to address those misconceptions.
And it’s why I tell my story so often when I speak to Christian audiences.
On big issues like this, there are no shortcuts.
It’s tempting to just jump right to the Bible argument and send everyone the best
scholarship you can find—especially if they quoted the Bible at you first.
I know.
But if you’re serious about helping someone see things differently, you have to address
these misconceptions first and give them a reason to consider a new point of view.
Even then, there’s no guarantee you’ll end up agreeing about what Scripture says.
But if you don’t deal with the misconceptions first, you’re really not even having the
same conversation.