One of the best relationship books out there that I think everybody ought to read is The
5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think it's sold, 3, 4, 5 million copies. It's phenomenal.
The 5 love languages he talks about are : Quality Time, Words of Affirmation (saying nice things),
Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Just like there are 5 love languages in a relationship, there are 9 love languages that
great entrepreneurs learn on how to speak with their teammates. I'm going to cover that
here with you today. I hope I explain this in a way that makes sense to you because,
you know everyone is going to maybe need different things at different times but the entrepreneurs
that eventually build a very big empire learn these different things on how to deal with
people. It may not even be all the entrepreneurs; it's definitely going to be anybody that ends
up leading at a high level. Anyone that leads an organization at a high level where a lot
of people are reporting to them, they will learn -- I don't know if they will master
all 9 of them, but these are 9 love languages that entrepreneurs speak with their teammates.
Let me start off with the first one.
#1: We Need You
Let me explain what this means. In sports, when a coach goes to a player who isn't performing
and will say, "We can't win a championship. We need you to come through. We NEED you."
There are people who need to feel needed. Sometimes leaders don't do a good job of expressing
the fact that certain people are needed. Certain people don't care to be needed. To them it's
like the more they feel needed, the more they may abuse the relationship. But there are
those that if they feel like they're needed, the respond in a big way. But it's not everybody.
Some people if you tell them you need them, they're kind of like, "Oh, you need me. Without
me you can't do anything." That's not the point that we can't do anything without you,
but a great team is about everybody pulling their own weight, so we need you to step up.
We need you to improve. The mature leaders respond to that. And you also learn a lot
about people. One of the languages is learning how to tell people that you need them. So
this means you give them responsibility. "I need you to help me out with this." I say
this over and over again. Steve Kerr, coach of Golden State Warriors who won a championship
last year got Andre Iguodala who is an absolute all star to come off the bench. He said, "I
need you to come off the bench and play strong defense. I need you. The team needs you."
He did that and went into the finals MVP. Need responsibility, impact.
Impact is very important for people that want to feel needed.
#3: The other language is Recognition.
Recognition. Most jobs and most corporate jobs at least, there is really no recognition.
If you look at companies that are stagnant, you will generally see that recognition sucks
at that company. They don't know how to recognize, they don't recognize, it's all so much about
pressure, pressure, pressure. There's no recognition to make the people feel special about the
efforts they're putting in. Entrepreneurs that speak this language, you can have a lot
of fun with this. I love recognizing our guys and sometimes it's just adding your own touch
to it when you're recognizing. You know, one time for one of our senior vice-presidents,
Jason -- I got him a 1984 Olympic torch, from the Olympics. From L.A. And so that's a meaningful
gift, getting an Ayrton Senna helmet to one of our buddies, Matt. Getting a signed guitar
by Zeppelin or Guns and Roses. It could be signed Michael Jordan shoes. It could be a
custom Louis Vuitton bag -- anything. It's certain things that you recognize. A lot of
times it may be a plaque. One time we did 9 exotic cars, and you recognize. People need
to be recognized. And there are different ways you recognize. One is privately
you recognize them, two, publicly you recognize them and three, behind their
back you recognize them. Yes, behind people's back. Let me explain. What is publicly? Publicly
is in front of everybody, "Hey, great job, he's the team member of the month, he did
a phenomenal job, he did this" and you tell them why they did a great job and you recognize
them. Privately is typically a mature leadership item that's taking place where, "Listen, I
just want you to know that you've grown a lot. I certainly hope this doesn't change.
But I want to recognize you. I see what you're doing to improve and the way you've been improving.
Thank you." And then nothing is more exciting than recognition. People run and play sports
and put their bodies through so many different things, just to be an all star, just to an
All American college football player, just to be an MVP, just to be a champion, because
recognition means a lot, we need it. Believe it or not, you need it. Some people may say,
"I don't need any recognition." People who say they don't need any recognition -- guess
what they need? They need recognition the most. They're afraid to put the effort in
because they may not get it. But recognition is something that everybody across the board
needs. I don't care how confident a person is, everybody needs recognition.
3, third language -- Praise and Encouragement. Praise and encouragement is also a thing that
you have to learn. Now keep in mind, non-performers, you can't recognize them for anything. So
you can't get up there and say, "I want to recognize this person for not performing."
So you don't want to take the individuals that have gone above and beyond and recognize
everybody else at that level because that doesn't work. That's not fair. That guy went
above and beyond everybody else, but you can definitely praise people and tell them, "Hey,
good job. I like what you did. You came here on time today. Good job." You can encourage
them. You can do this, you can get better. I expect more than this. It's a language you
speak. Again, privately, publicly, behind closed doors. Behind their back is telling
other people, "I'm seeing his attitude has changed." That's behind their back. "I'm starting
to see his effort is improving." Then that gets to them. Behind their back. That's just
people. It's a language you speak.
#4: Clear Directions.
Clear direction is, if you tell your teammates, I need you to do this, this, this by then,
that's a language that you need to speak as an entrepreneur and a leader, because your
team needs to hear that from you. I need you to get this done by this date. Can you do
that? This is what I need you to do. I need this, this, this. That's what I'm expecting.
Okay, no problem, great. Hey, I really want to move up and. . . No problem. Let me give
you clear direction. You need to do this and this and this. Great. And by this time. Great.
That language, a lot of times people are, "You can do it. Go get it." Not effective.
Clear, you need to do this, this, this. Typically don't overwhelm more than three. Now obviously
if you're having a leadership retreat and you're talking for a handful of days and you're
talking about all these different points, I get it, but generally if it's one-on-one,
give them three points in areas that you them to improve in and give them direction.
#5:Next 7:07
Most people are not visionaries. So you need to understand this is not something that naturally,
there are some people that are visionaries and then there are those that are not visionaries.
But here's the thing that those who are not visionaries -- sometimes you don't talk about
the vision and the future enough. The great leaders, the great entrepreneurs, they're
always selling the future on where we're going and what things are going to happen. You just
got to now this. They're constantly selling the future and what's going to take place.
What's next. What's exciting about next year. What's exciting about five years from now.
Ten years from now, 15, 20 years from now. By the way, this is what great presidents
do. America's got an incredible future. We're going to be. . . the greatest days of ours
are ahead of us, they're not behind us. This is a vision being cast. We're going to help
the economy, we're going to help America and the next five, 10, 15, 20 years innovation,
we're going to land on the moon. John F. Kennedy -- visionary. We're going to do this. . . visionary.
Elon Musk, visionary. There's a vision being sold. Whether you're a visionary or not, if
you put it as a reminder to constantly work on explaining the vision and the future and
where it's going, your team needs to hear that. Just so you know that. Everybody needs
to hear what the future looks like in the company and organization you're part of.
#6: Dream
So here's the vision, here's where we're going, how are my dreams going to become a reality
by this vision? Well when we do this, you're going to be able to do this, this, this. You're
going to have this life, this money, this income, this accolades, whatever is important
to the person, but dreams. I was a guy, you know, every time I'm looking at this picture
here, this picture never gets old to me, right? I was a guy that, you know, I was sold a dream.
I'm 21 years old (8:51 -- link to this) here taking a picture with a red Ferrari. Right?
I was sold a dream. I bought into a dream. I look at this pictures and I go through and
what excited me was a dream. "Man, one day if I can do this." Three weeks into Morgan
Stanley Dean Witter, I'm in San Francisco and 9/11 happened this is me at San Francisco
getting training. I am $49,000 in debt here. I just passed my series 7, I'm there with
a bunch of other people that are coming from wealthy families, degrees -- I'm the only
one in the class without a degree. But I had a dream. What if? What if this happens? And
I think those that inspire the most to follow them and work with them, speak the dream language
constantly. So take an inventory. How often do you speak the dream language?
#7: Involvement
Let me explain to you what I mean by involvement. Constantly ask people their opinion. Constantly
ask people for their feedback. Constantly ask people what they think you need to do
next. What are your thoughts on this? What do you think about this? What do you think
about that? Involvement. People are being heard. Now if you ask people for their ideas
and you never implement their ideas, then they're like, "Why do I even give them to
you. You never do them anyways." But it's ideas that they give you and then they see
progress. What if we did this or that? How can we make the energy better? How can we
make the office better? How can we make the company better? Everything's coming from that
place, and people are involved to give you feedback. How can we make our group better?
How can we become #1? How can we do this? Involvement.
#8: Challenging Someone
This sounds strange but great leaders challenge people all the time. Privately, publicly,
and behind their back. If I have somebody that I see is making progress, I'm going to
pull them aside and say, "Listen, I want to let you know that I see it. You're making
a lot of progress. I'm excited for you. But I hope you don't slip. I hope you don't slip
again. I hope you get focused. Hey, what's been your behavior lately? You're acting like
this whole thing is only around you. Does the world revolve around you only? Do you
realize that there's other people that help you become successful as well? Do you realize
how much support you had? So that's a challenge one-on-one. Then publicly may be "Hey, since
when have we thought we're already there? Since when are we walking on just because
you guys made $50,000 last month or $100,000 last month or $30,000 last month, since when
are you financially free already? Since when are we there already? Why are we behaving
this way? Why are we acting this way? Why are we doing this? Group. And then, behind
people's back. I have no problem with, "I don't know what's been happening. One day
he's in, one day he's out. I hope he improves." And that gets to them. I'm totally okay with
that. I don't have a problem with that. Phil Jackson was famous for this, Riley was famous
for this, Belichick is famous for this, Wooden was famous for this, great coaches are famous
for this. Great parents are famous for this. Great leaders are famous for this. Great generals
are famous for this. Why? Because one, it's showing that nobody is greater than the team.
Hey, we all need to pull our own red wagon. We all need to pull our weight. We all need
to put our part together. The show doesn't revolve around just one player. It doesn't
work out that way. We're a team. Now somebody typically does more than the rest; you're
going to get recognized for it, but if not, if you think you're above everybody and everybody
is below you and they're not worthy of you and all this. No, we're not going to do that
either. By the way, most people think, "I don't want to challenge because people don't
like it." They look at you like they don't like it. They walk away but when they're in
their car by themselves, this is what they say, "He's a leader. She's a leader. That's
why I follow him. Can't stand him sometimes. But that's why he's a leader." And then they
also become leaders who are also willing to challenge and push other people because they
speak that language behind closed doors. Then they go through the process that they go through
that people don't liking them and then they remember how they treated you, then they'll
call and say, "I just wanted to let you know that I was a pain in the butt. Thank you so
much. I'm going through it now." Okay, good. No problem All good. And by the way, don't
get too comfortable going back to it again, right?
#9: Listening And then the last language is actually not a language. The last language
is when you just go "zip" and you simply listen. Listening. Not easy, because everyone of us
can improve in all these nine items. Some of us want to talk more, some want to listen.
Listening is a very, very big skill set. Sometimes it's just sitting there and hearing them out.
Sometimes I have some of my leaders, people that I'm mentoring that just want to call
and talk for 40 minutes. I let them. Go ahead. He knows who he is and she knows who she is.
I have a call and boom, they just go. No problem. I'm listening. Listen, listen, listening.
And feedback here, feedback, and I'll take notes. Feedback, feedback, because I want
to listen. I don't get on the call and put them on mute and doing other things. I'm listening
and I'll say, "About that thing you said about 15 minutes ago, what do you think about this?
I would say this and don't think like this because I don't think it's healthy for you
to think this way because it's going to create more resentment. Okay, great. So listening.
Showing interest. Genuinely. All these things by the way? If it's not genuine, people can
tell them apart. If it's an act, people can tell. So it's something that you've got to
genuinely want to do these things because you are dealing with people. Anyway,
Paul, give me my pillow. So 9 love languages of entrepreneurs. This one was fun to put
together. I was excited about putting this one together because I know a lot of people
can work on those nine areas and it will help with their business. All right, hey, 100,000
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