Are things getting a little crazy blowing up all over the place?
Angry teenagers can make it very difficult in a home. How to deal with
your angry teen? By the end of this video, you'll have some confidence that you can
handle this.
I've got 5 ideas for you today about how to deal with your angry teenager and
the first and foremost of these tips is to remember your job. This is hard when
your teenager is angry and causing some disruption and just being a pill to live
with. Your job as a parent is what? It's to love them no matter what and even if.
No matter what and even if. Wrap your head around that for a moment. Your
teenager may go through some turbulent times. And their anger can tip you over
and get you to thinking sometimes that maybe your job is to make sure that
they're not angry. Well, can you do this? No. You're not very good at that job, are
you? You might start thinking your job is to make sure that they are productive
citizens that keep up on their homework and treat people kindly and with respect.
No, that's not your job. You'll probably do some of that naturally. But remember
your job is to love them no matter what and even if. Now, as you connect with that
true principle. How does that feel? Do you notice a little sense of relief?
Just in knowing your job is to love them no matter what and even if. That brings a
little sense of relief to my heart. Does it do the same for you? Well, there's a
good argument that we're right on with this. Your job is to love them no matter
what even if. Keep that in mind as we go through the other 4 tips for how to
deal with an angry teenager. Here's your second tip. Maintain a calm voice calm
face and calm body. The worst thing that we can do if our teenager is angry is to
return anger or to show up with an expression
or a voice that is not conducive to calm. Calm voice, calm face, calm body. I got
this originally from Nikoline Peck who has been here on the channel before
helping us with our positive parenting playlist. Calm voice, calm face calm body.
If we are calm, we can solve anything. Stay calm
and parent on. We, got to create a t-shirt for that. Would you buy one if we did?
Stay calm and parent on. You know, calm voice, calm face, calm body. Not only put
you in a better position as a parent to handle this disruptive event that's
happening with your angry teenager, it also models for your teenager exactly
what you expect. And you might even be able to use this phrase. I'm happy to
talk to you about this. When you're talking to me the same way I'm talking
to you. See? That assumes that you as a parent are maintaining a calm voice, calm
face and calm body. The other clear benefit to this particular tip is that
it allows you to separate the emotion from the discipline. And it becomes all
business. This is a really powerful way to transfer the burden of thinking back
to your teenager. Calm voice, calm face, calm body. While we're talking about
modeling appropriate behavior, let's go to tip number 3. Practice unwavering
respect. I mean you as a parent. Practice
unwavering respect. Treat your teenager with the utmost of respect. Why? 2
reasons. First of all, that puts you in a more
powerful position as a parent. I believe that to have authority with your
teenager, you have to be respectful. If you're not respectful, they may fear you.
But they won't respect you as an authority in their life. Your respect for
them put you in a more powerful position as a parent. Here's the other thing. We're
talking about modeling appropriate behavior. How do you want them to behave?
Even when or especially when they're feeling angry. You want them to be able
to practice respect as well. So, that's the other reason for it. Now, this is kind
of hard sometimes because you're not feeling particularly respectful in that
moment. Connect with your job as a parent which is to love them no matter what and
even if, right? Practice calm voice, calm face and calm body. And that's going to
put you in a position where it's a lot easier to do it. Remember, respect is
something that you choose to do. It's not necessarily something that somebody else
deserves. I was running a group once of juvenile delinquents. At least that's
what the court called them. A bunch of teenagers in a group. Many of them had
attitudes and they were all there by order of the court.
I remember one kid in the corner had his hat on backwards he's sporting some an
attitude over there too. And he says to me from the corner of the room. "I respect
people who respect me." Okay. First of all, that's a little insight into the
teenagers mind that maybe you have a better chance of getting their respect
if you're respectful toward them. But my thought was, "Oh, that's really impressive.
Wow! Amazing. You can respect people who respect you? You know what's hard is
respecting people who don't respect you. Why? Because you're a respectful person.
Because that's who you are." You are benevolent, generous, loving parent and
may we add to that list. Respectful no matter what. As tip number 3, practice
unwavering respect. Tip number 4 has to do with setting appropriate limits. I
mentioned earlier that there's a couple of things that are required for you to
have authority as a parent. One of those things is the respect and being seen as
a provider of good times and good things. The other thing is to be able to set and
enforce appropriate limits. When teenagers are angry, sometimes they can
become destructive or hurtful. We have to set limits as parents around that
because we're still ultimately responsible for the safety of everyone
in our home. And to set appropriate limits sometimes means that you get
really clear about what you control and what you don't. I would not recommend
that you get into a power struggle with an angry teenager. How are we going to
avoid the power struggles? By that clarity of what we control and what we
don't. Do you control for example what kind of language your teenager is using?
No. If you controlled it, it would sound different. Wouldn't it? Do you control
whether your teenager cooperates with appropriate requests? No, you don't.
Because if you controlled it, they always would. Do you see where I'm going with
this? Don't get into a power struggle if you
can avoid it. If you can't avoid it, make sure that you win it. And the way that
you win it is you pick an issue that you control. Let's say for example that your
angry teenager is becoming physically threatening toward you or some other
member of your family. Do you control whether your teenager is becoming
physically threatening? No, you don't. Because if you did, they
wouldn't. Do you control whether you call the local police to provide protection?
Oh, yes you do. Now, I'm not suggesting that you call the police.
I'm suggesting that you consider it. Because that's something that you
control. And to set an appropriate limit would include that their behavior
doesn't endanger other people or property. And if it does, you're willing
to take that step. That might be an extreme example. Although maybe it's not too.
You know what you're dealing with at home. Set that appropriate limit and make
sure that it's something you can control. Tip number 5 about dealing with an
angry teen has to do with the weather. I was right here at my office one day when
a thunderstorm came through. The thunderstorm was big and loud and it was
starting to drop all kinds of rain. I remembered as I heard the Thunder
outside that I had left the windows open in my truck. What should I do?
I should go out to the parking lot, raise my fists to the heavens and say
something like, "Don't start with me!" Right? Now, I might be committed to the mental
institution. Storms pass. Weather the storm. Are you hearing me? As it relates
to your angry teenager. Go outside. Do what is necessary to get the windows
closed on your vehicle. And weather the storm. Storms always pass, don't they?
Now, sometimes they leave a little bit of destruction and mayhem in their way. But
here's the thing. If you're willing to weather
the storm, that's tip number 5. Weather the storm. You will find that the
storm will pass and you're not contributing to all the mayhem that
happens because you're not storming. The worst thing that we can do when our kids
are angry is to get angry ourselves. Because that just increases the
intensity of the storm and makes it more likely that we're going to have some
casualties. Weather the storm. Parenting can be tricky business. You've
got what it takes and you probably need some resources too. That's why we're here.
And that's also why we created the Parenting Power-Up. If you haven't
connected to that, would you please check that out. The reason we created this is
so that you can have the tools and the resources that you need when things get
stormy.