foreign
what an ending hi I'm Tom ruprecht I used to do research on the guests and then I was
a writer from 1998 to 2010. the glory years okay so this this was a top 10 joke from when
I was in high school I wasn't at the show but I just I specifically remember this joke
and I don't know why it tickled me but this is like one of the things that really made
me want to work there from the home office in Milwaukee ladies and gentlemen top 10 reasons
to continue the top 10 lists just a little longer and number one we scared of the goofa
man in my opinion the best writer ever for Letterman was Steve O'Donnell uh he just had
incredible ideas and wonderful word play and so here's a piece that Steve wrote that I
thought was really good you know it's uh sad when your child comes down with the flu but
why not put that steamy forehead to work it's a fact
a a feverish youngster can keep your dinner rolls toasty warm but if you uh you have you
have a touch of the flu there nope the area oh I'm sorry to hear that now why don't you
why don't you run along yes [Music] I always really like as a viewer I loved uh Chris Elliott
there was a guy Morton Downey Jr who was just this crazed local TV host and uh Chris so
it was always very funny when he imitated him joining me at home base tonight oh you're
gonna love this guy right over here we got the vice president of the East Coast chapter
for people for pornography right over here he's also the publisher of screw magazine
say hello to David Letterman [Applause] [Music] I gotta tell you it doesn't sound like a fan
club showed up pal I think if you're gonna do this running character week after week
you should you should get some real guests in here instead of pretending I'm somebody
else let me tell you something pal the only thing I got to do is die and pay taxes and
give the wife one of these baboon every now and then [Applause] well well I'm sure she
looks forward to that I know you're checking me out no I'm not checking you out huh you
like what you know no I don't like what I see you break it you bought it honey all purchase
is final Chris is there a gas leak in your neighborhood or something
[Music] [Applause] there was a writer named Jerry Mulligan he was like a a great great
great grandfather to me one day I was in early by the way Dave I was in early every day uh
but it was just Jerry and I in the office because it was very early and Jerry decided
to make some coffee but he forgot to put the coffee pot down and so what ended up happening
is the coffee came out and went all over the kitchen area and so I walked into the kitchen
and Jerry is on his hands and knees eating up this horrible mess with the kitchenette
and he's embarrassed but he looked at me and and he said you know thankfully it's just
you and I here and no one has to know what a fool had made of myself well later that
day we needed just like a quick 30 second piece of with a voice over the audience shot
and I had nothing else on me so I wrote this now it's time for today's Late Show trivia
question which long time late show Stafford forgot to place
a coffee pot in the coffee machine this morning and flooded the 14th floor kitchenette with
coffee
did you get it it was none other than writer Gerard Mulligan face going Gerard as soon
as it aired I hear Jerry in the office next time I go what and then I hear those big feet
lumbering down the hall and he came in so angry and I said Jerry you have to believe
me I have no idea how that ended up on the air [Music] sorry Jerry I remember one day
I was going to the edit room and I was passing by Sue hum who was the costume designer's
office and she was on the phone with somebody and I overheard her saying I don't know what
to do Dave has rejected all of the socks and it hit me that we all had different job titles
at that place but all we all had the same job we were just trying to please Dave and
so it always meant a lot when I wrote something that he he really liked and here was a top
10 joke that I wrote and he so loved it that he like kind of made it a catchphrase for
a few weeks and and that like was the best currency going there the category tonight
uh top 10 Lizzie grubman complaints about Jail number two 240 women sharing three showers
what is this Vassar what is this Vassar that's my new catchphrase as you know maybe you don't
know this I'm working on some catch phrases that I will drop into the show to make things
more entertaining one I've stolen from my friend George Miller in my pants ladies and
gentlemen periodically when you least expect it I will drop in in my pants that's a great
one and now we came up across another one last night I like it pretty well I want to
see how it goes what is this Vassar yeah don't make any sense they're making sense now yeah
but it makes more sense now than it did last night actually well that's the way it goes
growing on people and tomorrow kids all across the country will be saying what is this Vassar
in my pants
as far as being a writer at the show I can't you know speak highly enough about Alan Coulter
because like our show you know intentionally had kind of a Amateur hour quality to it but
often as a writer you know you you didn't really have many people who could really make
things come a lot Alan Coulter he could he would make things so much more funny here's
something I I wrote for Alan that I really like I was reading about they had like a flight
from Miami to Cancun everybody on the airplane was naked it was it was like a spring day
hey Dave from Miami to Cancun hey Dave get on you take your clothes Dave what did you
say nude flights yeah hot damn [Music] [Applause] what is his problem [Applause] this is living
I originally wanted to go to Cancun but the flights were all booked so I figured what
the heck go to Detroit see my girlfriend's family [Applause] oh man is that ugly that's
just about as lovely a thing as I've ever seen I did a bunch of the remotes so Biff
and I would go all over the world shooting various pieces I'm going to show you one joke
that I really like from one of the the remotes we did this was where we paid a visit to people
who were having uh laser eye surgery done [Music] foreign damn you got one crazy ass
eyeball [Music]
before I was a writer I used to work in the research Department which was you know I would
read about the guests and try to find interesting things for Dave to ask them but also because
it was pre-internet the whole staff would just use me to ask any question they had they
viewed me just kind of as like the librarian albeit a sexy librarian so one day I got a
call from Dave's assistant and Dave was thinking of buying a house in Montana but he was a
little concerned about if he bought a house in this area would he be attacked by a bear
and so they asked can you find out I called the hardware store in the town and I realized
you know I'm gonna sound like a you know an East Coast jerk you know but I said you know
hey I'm thinking of buying a place you know I'm worried about bears you know will bears
eat me and you know the guy starts laughing puts stuff hey Charlie this guy this wimp
is scared about bears you know and they're all everyone at the hardware store has a big
laugh at my expense and I hung up the phone and I called his assistant I said tell him
to buy the house it's fine there's no bears he won't get eaten by a bear and then he did
it's a 459 because I know this because I look at the little digital readout on the clock
it's 4 59 a.m and I hear a noise and I think to myself probably the wind and in Montana
that's always a pretty good bet yeah so finally the the noise becomes so cacophonous there
is so much noise coming out of the kitchen even if it's people making me breakfast they're
doing a horrible job and I opened the door and they're standing in my kitchen is the
largest bear I've ever seen in my entire United get out he had trashed the kitchen I mean
he pulled the refrigerator out of the thing he had pulled open the bottom drawers and
just Twisted them like like little gum wrappers he had he ate half a chocolate cake he ate
a dozen bananas yeah he ate two oranges he ate a peach he chewed up the peach and spit
the Peach Pit out into the dog's bowl okay he he ate he ate a jar of frosting he had
two pouches of beef jerky he slid open the drawers and got out some candles yeah good
you know for ambiance
here he is finally thank God after five and a half hours heading for the Hills
Dave I'm sorry you almost got eaten by a bear okay the thing I wrote that kind of had the
longest life was great moments in presidential speeches this was during George W Bush's presidency
that's the only thing we have to say is fear itself ask not what your country can do for
you ask what you can do for your country my lawyer is a Latino
[Music] that's right so there was one in particular that stood out because there was a kid who
got to be on stage uh during Bush's speech but you know the kid was like 12 years old
and like anyone he's bored during you know a presidential speech during the entire time
he kept yawning and trying to slap himself away you need to maintain spending discipline
in our nation's capital I've had planned to protect small business owners and employees
from I actually did vote for the 87 billion with all your heart
State House members all the local officials the high sheriff is with us today you're worried
about the quality of the education community in which you live
we stand for the fair treatment of faith-based groups where we receive federal support of
the work this will not happen on my watch
so now that actually got attention and the next day I'm at my desk and I've CNN on and
they they show a clip all right had a good giggle before the break that video from uh
David Letterman um we're being told by the White House that the kid as funny as he was
was edited into that video great okay so it's your nose out of joint she says as funny as
it was we're being told being told we're being told by the White House that's the key phrase
we're being told by the White House that that the kid was not there and we edited the kid
in well that of course is absolutely not the case the kid was right there we didn't somehow
work some kind of uh animatronic robotic magic and now shortly thereafter that statement
was amended to this
okay we're told that that kid was there at that event but not necessarily standing behind
the president so you can put it all together so so I'm I'm all worked up about this and
and then uh later we are told now that the the White House didn't call CNN that that
was the development the other day the next day I'm told oh no the White House did contact
CNN there's a huge conspiracy developing and they were contacted by the White House they
were trying to shut CNN up because they didn't want to make these people look ridiculous
because they were big Republican fundraisers and you know I'm going to disappear mysteriously
in in about eight months they'll find my body in the trunk of a rental car
and Mark day whether you understand any of this or not today is a landmark day because
For the First Time in 25 years of network television broadcasting the first time ever
since I've been doing this someone has apologized to me it has never happened before turns out
due to a what we might say a misunderstanding among the folks who are usually so fantastic
behind me here in The Newsroom turns out that was not true the White House turns out I guess
never did call us about the tape the Lettermen show if you've been watching at night strongly
denies it was fake boy do they strongly deny that and we've been listening to our tapes
and apparently we now see no evidence that it was faked so Dave we apologize for the
error I hope that makes things good with us if you need me to come up and do a stupid
human trick or a stupid pet trick I have that too hopefully with this okay so no the White
House and CNN were lying your boy Tommy oh good that was a real kid really yawns so I
also got to appear in a bunch of bits so here's one I did and I was playing an audience member
but obviously I was someone who worked on the show and so I had to be in a specific
seat and Dave was going to come in and pick me and so it it so happened that I was sitting
in between a man and his wife and so the guy said to me before the show starts hey can
we just switch seats so I can sit next to my wife but like I couldn't say yes because
I had to be sitting in this specific seat but I also couldn't tell him why because I
couldn't say hey Dave's coming you know so I just went uh no I'm just going to keep the
seat if that's okay and the guy said fine I'll give you fifty dollars to switch seats
and I said no he went you know you're an [ __ ] I come back I sit down in the seat thinking
all will be forgiven now that he knows and the guy was now even mad at me because he
thought he would have been the one on TV what's your name uh Scott Scott where are you from
uh I'm in Chicago Chicago she came in for the show congratulations on the big bulls
Victory and do you care about the Whitewater investigation no of course not yeah I know
now uh Scott this is a little something and I hope you're a good sport you look like you're
probably a good sport are you a good sport you like to have fun don't you you enjoy yourself
you look like you look like a good time is always following you around yes okay Scott
this is a little something we like to do whenever uh summertime you know it warms up and we
get a shower tomorrow I believe is the first day of summer you know and this is a little
something we do and I hope you enjoyed you up for a little fun I would love it okay hold
Scott's purse if you don't mind all right here we go Scott watch it easy I'm going to
just take Scott right outside come on Scott right over here right over here
this way Scott we'll be back I'll be with Scott oh my God babe where are you best oh
how are you we'll put you right over here Scott how are things in Chicago you having
a nice spring yeah all right we're right here Bev just about there Scott okay that's good
maybe just a little there you go okay all right thank you thank you XA [Music]
[Applause] okay let's just go right by if you can okay gun it
[Music] [Applause] so this morning I was going through appearances I did on the show to try
to see if there was anything worthwhile and when it ended my daughter Sally who was sitting
next to me said you know Dad you're actually underrated which made me wonder what if you
heard about me what reviews have you heard about me [Music]