this video has been in the back of my
head for longer than it should have been
and i think it's about time i talk about
it and
explain why things are the way they are
if you're here just to see what i look
like
just hold on a bit longer i have really
important things to explain
briefly the first few reasons i don't
show myself are because i don't want
people to have an opinion of my content
and who i am based on what i look like
we live in a society that almost
revolves around appearance people can
become famous just for their looks
people use appearance as an excuse not
to like someone i'm fine if you don't
like me or what i do
but if your only reason would be because
you don't like what i look like
then what kind of argument is that i'm
very shy
and prefer to keep to myself i still
want to have privacy
but there's a main reason and i haven't
told this story to
anyone thing is i don't tell people my
problems because i feel like i can
handle them on my own
and i don't want to drag people into my
messes i don't want to hurt anyone
and if you knowing i'm hurt hurts you
then i don't want to tell you when i'm
hurting
if that makes any sense at all but here
we go right it's not a secret i don't
think very highly of myself
i joke about it a lot and i'm pretty
open about it when i was young i
actually had
a lot of confidence people gave me
compliments and said nice things and i
believed them
and was proud of myself but as i got
older i began having
doubts i started thinking that people
were lying to me or they said things and
didn't really mean it
words can't affect you when you don't
let them people say that all the time
but it's easy to forget it goes the same
way with positive words
as negative that led me to telling
myself i wasn't good enough and i had to
do better my standards slowly started
getting higher and higher without me
realizing how bad it was getting by the
end of high school
i felt like i wasn't good enough for
anything
even though people would be telling me
wow you're doing so great
you're so talented i would say thank you
not to be rude
but it was in one ear out the other i
didn't hear it
i went to college with the same mindset
not feeling like i was good enough for
anything
standards for myself always getting
higher and that's the problem
i push myself so hard to get better at
everything and i do improve
but it's still not enough for me the bar
keeps getting higher before i can grab
it like climbing a staircase where the
top keeps getting further away and the
ball and chain attached to your ankle is
getting heavier and heavier
but you keep trying eventually this
branched out to more than just what i
was doing
it started seeping into my self-image
which wasn't high in the first place
either it wasn't only telling me what i
was doing wasn't enough
it started telling me i wasn't enough
and that's when i started wanting to fix
it i started eating less trying to be
happier with myself
i'm naturally very thin and i've never
had issues with weight before but it was
like a switch in my brain that all of a
sudden
that wasn't good enough either it became
all i could think about my whole day
revolved around
what i ate what it was when i ate how
many calories
every detail i wanted complete control
i remember a specific day all i let
myself have was
half an apple and 10 cheerios and i felt
happy about it
look how in control i am but i wasn't i
was in this downward
spiral i built up fears and rules and my
head got
foggier and foggier every day lack of
nourishment prevented me from being able
to think clearly and i was making
irrational decisions
i was telling myself this was what i had
to do to be happy
of course it was extremely painful
starving myself
eventually i decided i would go the
entire day eating as close to nothing as
possible
then eating a bunch at the end to stop
the pain followed by
erasing it this whole awful cycle went
on for
several months i don't even remember
anything else i was doing in my life it
all just became a blur
the only thing i can truly remember
looking back now was just being
so tired and cold and sad
all the time i wasn't able to see i was
getting thinner and thinner
nothing was good enough my brain didn't
let me see
how horrible it was getting i don't know
what happened but eventually i was able
to break through
and tell myself this wasn't what i
wanted i didn't want to live like this
anymore and i
had to get better now here's the thing
people don't realize
eating disorders are the easy part the
rough part
is breaking it you create these fears
and rules for so long that when you want
to escape the jail cell you've built
around yourself they beckon you to stay
and try to drag you back in
promising happiness and how they're only
here to protect you
they let you feel like you're the one in
control when you're not you're the
puppet on
strings and when you try to cut yourself
free not only do you face your fears
head on
but you live them here's some
information about what happens to your
body when it's starving when it realizes
it's not getting enough food to create
energy for itself it starts slowing down
your metabolism
which is the process of converting
calories into energy
it slows down in order to conserve the
energy it has left
for important things like keeping your
heart pumping and your organs working
but the tricky part is
when you start re-feeding it things
don't just go back to normal right away
your body doesn't trust that you'll keep
feeding it again
and it starts storing extra energy for
the next starvation if you don't realize
what that means
basically it stores extra weight as
energy predicting it won't have food
again for a long time
your metabolism is still slow and you
face the nightmare that drove you to the
disorder
in the first place it's not just in your
head anymore
before i go any further i'd like to say
that i believe people can be perfectly
happy
at any weight i'm not saying these
things in order to make anyone feel
ashamed
because weight shouldn't matter in
general it's about how you think of
yourself and
as long as you're relatively healthy and
take care of yourself i believe that's
the most
important thing but this isn't as simple
as just
getting thinner there's so much more to
it i wish
i could express you how toxic your mind
becomes while dealing with something
like this
it's not how your brain would normally
function when it's
clear you know what you're doing to
yourself is wrong
but you just can't shake it it has a
death grip on you
so i was attempting recovery completely
on my own i'll remind you i didn't tell
anyone in my life what i was going
through
and it was indescribably difficult i
wouldn't wish it on
anyone i had to be the doctor and the
patient
i kept saying this is what will make you
better you're on the right path
but the voice was still there you're a
disgrace look what you've done
look what eating has done to you this
isn't what you want
come back to me i'm here for you i
didn't want to listen to it i kept
telling myself
everything was fine i'm doing the right
thing i just have to give it time
over and over i wanted to believe it so
badly
but the voice wouldn't go away it's
always
there i didn't want anyone to see me i
felt like i was a disappointment to
everyone
and didn't deserve to be in front of
people i could feel their
judgment in my head i didn't deserve
food i was
unacceptable i never wanted to leave my
room and i probably wouldn't have
but there was one thing vidcon
i already planned to go before things
got so bad because you have to plan
so far in advance for it i didn't want
to let people down by breaking my
promise to be there
and i wanted to see all my friends and
supporters but i was in such a terrible
state i didn't know what i was gonna do
i was panicking i wasn't ready i wasn't
back to normal yet but i was approaching
so quickly and there wasn't any time to
go back
i told myself this was my punishment i
did this to myself
so i put on a mask and pretended to be
fine i was trying to act like myself so
much that i wasn't
even me anymore i became a stranger to
who i actually
am even though i was horribly
uncomfortable my weight was higher than
my average from
starving myself my cheeks were swollen
from making myself throw up
every day for so many months my mind was
telling me i was a letdown to everyone
my self-image and esteem was at an
all-time low
i tried my hardest to push through it
every person i met
the voice inside me said you're such a
disappointment
you aren't good enough for them i felt
like i could feel
every single person's discontent through
their embrace
but i didn't let the mask slip off and i
kept trucking through
i let people take pictures but i really
wish i didn't
it was the lowest i've ever felt in my
life
and i felt like i was a lie to everyone
it was almost like i wasn't even there
i wasn't present it was just a daze
after the convention was over
i was so mentally torn to shreds
i wasn't okay i felt like all the
progress i was trying to make to get
better had just been
ripped down the voice was louder than
ever drowning out the one that was
telling me everything was gonna be okay
i realized i couldn't let people on
youtube see me when i was in such a
toxic
horrible state i messaged the person who
was taking a lot of video footage
and asked them if i could censor my face
out i'm not going to mention who this
person is because that detail doesn't
add anything to this story
and i don't think it would benefit
anyone if i did they agreed
so i spent the afternoon editing their
video censoring my face
i wasn't myself in the video and i
didn't want people to see the mask i put
on for myself
when i finished and sent it over a few
hours later they told me they changed
their mind
and wanted to post the normal video i
was
absolutely mortified and
forced myself to explain to them the
main reasons why
i don't want to show myself hoping that
if they knew the story behind it it
would help them change their mind again
but it didn't i've had disagreements
with this person in the past and from
what i understand this person is very
adamant when they have their mind on
something so if me having edited the
video for them and explaining the story
behind it wasn't enough
i came to the conclusion i couldn't do
anything else to change their mind
and let them post it i thought i had
experienced the worst already
but this destroyed me a nightmare where
hundreds of thousands of people are
wanting to see you
and then when they finally do it's at
the lowest darkest point of your life
and they don't even know it when you
don't show yourself
people develop expectations i don't know
what those expectations are
and i feel like sometimes they don't
even know what they are but i believed
with
all my heart i disappointed every single
one
it's not just the fact i wasn't where i
wanted to be
appearance wise so many people saw me
for the first time when i was at such an
awful point mentally and i fell so much
deeper into darkness
i'd ever been i felt like i was drowning
in my own emotions
every time i tried to get back to the
surface to breathe another wave would
crash
down on me and pull me right back under
again i started having even darker
thoughts and i knew i should have been
scared of them
but i wasn't and that's what scared me
the voice was echoing in my head
almost completely muting out the other
one every day
i just wanted to feel happy again i
wanted to wake up and everything's just
normal not one day passed without me
hating myself i couldn't find a reason
to get out of bed i felt broken and that
no one could fix me black fog surrounded
me everywhere i went and i couldn't
breathe i was so stretched thin i was
trying so hard to swim but the waves
kept coming
each one stronger than the last but i
kept
going i don't know why there wasn't a
reason and i couldn't really find one
i just did and even though i didn't have
a reason for myself
not to give up pushing through
everything i wanted to be there for
people
i want to be able to be there for people
like me who felt like they couldn't go
to anyone
and are drowning and helped them like
how i wanted someone to reach out and
help me
i want to exist for other people i don't
really care about myself
that may or may not be a good thing to
say i don't really know at this point
right now but
i'll mention one thing i've thought to
myself that helped me
i consider myself a weak person i can
get knocked down relatively easily
and i knock myself down a lot too we
always talk about how
strong someone is but i feel like it
doesn't have to matter how strong or
weak you are
what matters is that you just keep
getting back up something could knock
down a weak person
and not even affect a strong person but
it doesn't matter how many times you're
knocked down
because as long as you keep getting back
up you can keep going
i don't want to live in the past and i'm
not here to feel sorry for myself
because i'm not one to do that it
doesn't get anyone
anywhere the past doesn't change it
happened whether you like it or not
adapt and push forward even if you feel
like you don't have a reason to
use those feelings to help push people
who need it
if you can't help yourself help others
then eventually
you might be able to learn how to help
yourself too if you're still here
i really appreciate it i can't express
how much it means to me
that you care enough to listen to what
some random person on the internet is
saying
just telling their story i tried to keep
it as short as i could so it wasn't
boring
i could write a novel about all the
things i felt during that time but
hopefully i got at least some points
across in the right way
and i don't know what else to say other
than
just thanks