Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette.
In today's, video we'll discuss the challenges of being a classic style enthusiast when your
friends, family or peers just don't seem to understand your style.
One of the most frequent social media comments or emails that we get from our readers and
viewers especially our younger viewers often goes something like this: “I want to dress
up more, wear suits or dress differently than the people around me but my friends and family
don't understand or support my style choices.
What can I do?”
I can definitely sympathize with men who feel this way.
Personally speaking, I developed an interest in classic menswear in my early teens but
my parents were concerned that if I dressed too differently from my peers combined with
my general bookishness and a physical disability, that might lead to social awkwardness or even
bullying.
Fortunately however, my friends and general
peers were largely supportive of my experimentation
as I got more into classic style so I didn't have to worry too much.
But I do realize that this won't be the case for everyone.
And this back and forth with my parents through my teen years was a bit of a sore spot for
a while but thankfully they've now embraced the way that I dress as I have since it has
led to a career.
Meanwhile, in Raphael's case, his family was never really all that interested in clothes
and dressing was really more a matter of function and cost than of style.
So for both of us, as we developed this interest in classic style it was because it resonated
with us on a personal level not because of any outside pressure from others to get into
it.
In fact, it might have been just the opposite.
So if you're experiencing pushback from friends, family or peers about getting into classic
style whether you're young or at any other age, here are six techniques we've come up
with to work through this.
Tip number one is to start by focusing on those things that are in fact in your control.
In the case of many of our young viewers, they may not have total control over the way
that they dress because they are financially dependent on their parents or caregivers and
thus, the clothes that are bought for them may be decided for them.
There may also be other financial dependencies involved or it could just be that their parents
are particularly strict and try to control the way that they dress.
These situations aren't easy to change so the best thing to do here is to work with
what is firmly in your control.
For example you can be persistent in asking why it is that you have to dress a certain
way.
Your goal here should be to negotiate and ultimately compromise with whomever is in
control.
It's important to note here that you should be crafting arguments that are ultimately
about you and not about others.
So for example, rather than saying everybody else gets to wear what they want, you should
just say I'd like to dress this way because it makes me feel more comfortable with myself.
A related point here is to be resourceful with what you do have using your free time
to build your menswear knowledge or to go to vintage or secondhand stores if you have
the ability.
Tip number two is to consider the entirety of this journey something of a rite of passage
that you have to get through.
This one may sound like cold comfort for our younger viewers but horrifying your parents
with your clothing choices is something that almost every young person has to do.
In this case though, it might just be that you're horrifying them with slightly more
conservative choices.
For example, in Raphael's generation the grunge look was definitely vilified by parents and
Raphael's father once asked his father-in-law why he wanted to look like a girl with the
long hair that he sported in the 60s.
But going through this bit of struggle can actually be an important part of becoming
more of an adult and asserting your independence.
Two things are occurring here; the first is individuation or forming your own independent
identity.
The second is detachment or the gradual separation between yourself and those that have power
or influence over your life.
Of course, even if you're not currently a teenager, if you're just getting into the
world of classic menswear, it might not be the case that all of your peers are going
to immediately embrace it.
So the lessons in this video aren't just for young people.
You can also take a bit of comfort in the fact that eventually people will probably
stop picking on your style once they see that it is in fact a genuine expression of who
you are and it's not going to stop anytime soon.
On that note, tip number three is to remember
that most of the negativity you might be experiencing
about your style is ultimately more about the other people involved than it is about
you.
On a subconscious level, some people may interpret your style choices as an attack on their choices.
In other words, they might feel threatened that other people have the courage to dress
differently from the mainstream when they themselves don't.
So, because you're not wearing what they're wearing, they may interpret this as a rejection
of their style rather than an embrace of your own personal style.
The fact is though, that your style choices probably have almost nothing to do with them
and are instead centered entirely around your own self.
So the more that you can internalize that this might be about the insecurities of other
people.
so much the better.
Alternatively here though, and as it was the case for me, it might also be that your parents
or friend's concern is ultimately coming from a place of care wanting to shield you from
criticism or ridicule.
And while this situation is ultimately well-meaning,
do try to push back a little bit and assert
some of that independence by making your own style choices.
After all, it's not as if you're rebelling here by doing anything dangerous or harmful
to yourself or others.
You could try incorporating more of these changes gradually over time and see what kind
of feedback you get.
Remember that it may sometimes be about negotiation.
Tip number four is about building up your
own defenses so that you can easily and comfortably
deflect criticism about your style.
In times where you're alone and in a good mental headspace, try practicing your responses
to some of the taunting you might receive from other people like: “Why are you wearing
that?
Why are you so dressed up?
Going to a wedding we didn't know about?” or “What's the occasion?”
You have a number of different response options here.
If you feel that you can get away with being a little snarky, your first choice is to simply
parry these questions back at the other person.
So you could ask them “Why are you dressed that way?”
Of course, this might not be the most gentlemanly option so there are a few others at your disposal.
You could try injecting a bit of wit into the exchange such as saying “I'm dressed
this way because it's tuesday.” or “I knew I was going to be seeing you so I wanted
to look my best.”
And perhaps the safest choice of all is simply to answer honestly.
You can simply say “I'm dressed this way because it's what I like to wear.”
Remember that if you act sheepish or embarrassed in this situation, some people might see this
as a weakness that they can exploit in you.
They might be seeking to make you question yourself and therefore to be able to feel
power over you.
So, the best way to defuse this situation is by not giving the other individual any
conversational power over you and answering in a way that allows you to retain that power.
While not totally within our wheelhouse, a great example of this phenomenon comes from
the 2004 film; Mean Girls.
One character cuts holes in another character's shirt in an effort to embarrass her but then
she simply wears it proudly, defusing the whole situation and maintaining her own power.
So raise your head up high don't apologize, don't rationalize and be proud.
After all, you have nothing to apologize for in this circumstance.
On that note though, there are situations
where all of us make errors and in those situations,
it is good to know how to apologize like a gentleman.
You can find our video on that subject here.
Tip number five is learning how to gracefully accept a compliment.
Even though the majority of this video has focused on other people giving you grief for
the way you might be dressing, you might also encounter people giving you genuine compliments
and this might make you feel a bit embarrassed if you're just starting out on your style
journey.
But of course, compliments are a good thing so it pays to know how to be gracious when
you receive them as befits a gentleman.
We've made a video on this exact subject as well and you can check it out here.
Of course, some people might not be genuine with a compliment and instead approach it
from a place of sarcasm.
If you find yourself on the receiving end
of this however, if you simply treat the compliment
as though it were genuine, this will more likely than not disarm the conversation.
Finally here then, we come to tip number six: when all is said and done, don't let other
people deter you from who you truly are and want to make yourself into.
It may well be that you're simply at a point in your life right now where for any number
of reasons you simply can't dress the way you actually want to.
But don't let this be the thing that kills your passion.
Keep consuming content, reading and researching to build your wealth of menswear knowledge.
Learn about things like brands, production techniques and what quality means for your
style.
Create lists with the clothes you want, where to shop for them and how much you think you
might need to spend.
Then, keep working toward your independence and you will get there one day.
Or, for more concrete inspiration, you could also turn to other men around the web who
have definitely embraced their own style.
For someone more in our wheelhouse, you could look at Dandy Wellington or you could also
look at the Regency Gent, a man in his 20s who wears nothing but regency attire everyday.
Style is a representation of personal identity.
So, you shouldn't be embarrassed if your style is making a strong statement because this
just means that you're secure in your own identity and so long as you can back this
up with class and grace, that's one more step on the road to becoming a true gentleman.
In today's video, I'm wearing something of a business casual outfit whose central piece
is one that I've had for quite some time.
Just around the time in fact that I really started to get on the road of my own style
journey.
This would be my tweed herringbone sport jacket which has tones of black-grey, green and brown.
Its faux tortoise shell buttons also provide another subtle detail and element of contrast.
Under this, I'm wearing a light gray sweater vest from Polo Ralph Lauren and a barrel cuff
dress shirt with a spread collar and a micro-check pattern of light blue and black on a white
ground.
These colors harmonize with my sport coat as well as my accessories.
These accessories would include a light blue linen pocket square that features a bit of
white detailing, a boutonniere in blue and white and a bow tie in a jacquard woven silk
with a diamond motif.
The bow tie is in battleship gray and its accents are in blue, cream and black.
Grounding the outfit today are my trousers which are plain black as are my socks and
my shoes which are plain-toed single monks with a silver buckle.
While the pocket square and the boutonniere are older or prototype designs from the Fort
Belvedere shop, the bow tie is currently available.
And of course, we do have a wide variety of other bow tie, necktie, pocket square, and
boutonniere styles as well as many other accessories.
So you can find our selection by visiting the Fort belvedere shop here.