You're doing a lot of stretching
while you're here.
Let me describe--
I told you, I've been in Italy for five months.
Mangia!
Yes. Nothing,
there's no confined space like Italy.
I feel like I'm still on a goddamn plane in this room.
Okay. The plane makes sense, but just--
Yeah this does feel like a--
Why are you, why are you stretching so much?
'Cause I've been in Italy for six months.
Cause I'm broken!
(laughing)
They broke me.
Did you have a good time in Italy? Come on.
Yes, but we're not talking about that right now.
Yes we are.
Fuck no.
Yeah.
I still gotta process. I gotta go to therapy.
No. Yeah, I had a great time.
How much therapy do you get?
I don't know.
How much do you want?
Yeah.
A lot.
It's good.
I'm a big believer in it.
Do you got a good one?
We don't have to talk about it now.
Do I have a good therapist?
I do actually.
Okay.
I'll send you to my therapist.
Promise?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah. It's three large men.
Really?
Yeah, just big fat guys.
I'm not allowed to go to men anymore.
Oh, really?
(chuckles)
What, what happened? What went wrong?
What did you do?
I don't know, but I have to talk about that
in the next session.
Oh, okay.
Good. Well, let's figure that out.
Are you really all,
you can't go to a male therapist anymore?
I made this rule for myself.
Good. That's probably good.
(Gourley laughs)
I do have to say I do like a woman therapist.
I find that I'm more relaxed around a woman therapist.
When it's a guy I get kind of competitive with them
and I think, well I think I figured out my issue
faster than you.
I'm not gonna explain my psychology
but let's just say it's not a good idea.
Not a good idea.
We won't go there.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't know anymore.
Well, if you do need--
I'll take whoever you got.
Just give 'em to me. Now.
(all laugh)
I want that therapist now.
Maybe I'm your therapist right now.
Maybe you are.
I am very good. I'm very empathetic.
Shut up Gourley. I'm very empathetic.
All right. Well here's how I feel.
Okay.
I feel like my boundaries have been pummeled.
Really?
Yeah.
That's terrible.
And I'm not gonna stand for it anymore.
Well, you shouldn't and that'll be $900.
Okay.
(laughing)
Right.
Here's the sense I get of you. Aud, Aubrey.
I almost called you a Audrey,
but I'm gonna call you Aubrey instead.
Whatever.
Whatever? It's your name!
You can't say whatever and roll your eyes about your name.
Names?
Hello, Alice. Whatever.
Aubrey, I think that you're very good
at defending your boundaries.
You think?
I do
because all you have to do is,
I mean you're an intimidating person, sometimes.
I'm not, though.
You are!
I'm not, this is my, this is a, this is, no.
Yes, yes you are.
You know what, I'm gonna, I'm making a left turn.
I think we, there are certain similarities that we have.
I think we are somewhat conflicted about our past.
Okay.
We, we have churning, burbling, inner psyches
and we love to both play in the pool of awkward.
Is this your pitch for being my therapist?
Yes.
Okay.
But no, I think I'd be terrific for you.
I really do think I could help you.
Okay. Fine.
You just say that about everything.
I'd love to--
(chuckles)
I mean, what I'm hearing is,
let's just start a session right now. Let's go.
Let's do it.
Okay.
How are you, Aubrey?
I don't know. I feel broken.
Really? What makes you feel you're broken?
I don't know. It just, something feels wrong.
Like something feels wrong--
Doesn't it feel right?
Hmm-uh. Hmm-uh.
Well--
On paper everything seems good, but--
Okay.
I don't know on the deep--
Do you mind if, I'm sorry, I have a cannoli here,
Do you mind if I eat it while you talk?
I got it on the way in and I know we're not supposed to eat.
I'm literally triggered by cannoli's right now.
Okay.
I've been in Sicily for four months.
If I see another goddamn cannoli, I swear--
Okay. I'll just eat it a little later.
Do you mind if I have some Yoo-hoo?
I have a little Yoo-hoo here.
That's fine.
Okay.
That's fine.
All right.
Well, anyway. So why do you think you feel broken?
Oh, I don't know. No, no, no. I don't know.
(conan slurping)
I don't know.
(Gourley laughs)
Oh man. That's good. Chocolatey.
Oh God.
So I really think that--
Can you just cross your legs? It's the wide open stance.
Sure. I'll cross them. They're very weak.
So I have to actually lift one and put it over the other.
Let's see. There we go.
God.
God these are short jeans shorts.
(Audrey whimpers)
God. So what do you think is making you uptight right now?
He said wearing his very short, tight jeans shorts,
with cannoli flour all over his kneecaps,
and Yoo-hoo on his lips.
What do you think is bothering you?
I don't know. Just no, just, I'm just good.
I'm good.
Aubrey. Do you think you can get me an audition
for something?
I know that you're a big deal in the industry.
I'd just like to work in film. Is that possible?
Is this crossing some kind of boundary?
No, I'll do whatever you want. I deserve this.
Great.
I deserve this.
I'll just slide this--
I'm nothing!
Headshot across to you.
Thank you.
I'll spend all my time working on this. Thank you.
That's a quad split on the back.
That's me as a nerd.
Me as a cool guy.
Me as a construction worker and me as
(speaking with Italian accent)
a guy who make a the pizza pie!
(Aubrey whimpers)
I think that went really well.
Me too.
Thank you so much.
I helped you a lot.
Yeah, I'm good.
You're good now?
Yeah, we're good.
(Conan laughs)
[Gourley] Ah, Fixed.
I fixed you.
Mm-hm.