— Why do narcissists lie —
It’s almost been a year since the explosive (is that the right word?) okay let’s call it
aggravating Prince Harry and Meghan Markle sit-down with Oprah.
Since it’s airing there has been a ton and i mean A TON of analysis of the interview
including a cataloguing and debunking of several lies that were said by the pair.
But the lie that I still can’t stop thinking about is the one where Meghan said that she
and Harry got married 3 days before hand.
But that little fact was refuted BY THE ARCHBISHOP himself,
who came out and said, nope that didn’t happen.
So I can’t stop thinking about his lie, because it was so significant,
and easily refuted - so why lie about it? And this begs a bigger question
which is why do narcissists lie? And why do we fall for their lies?
Well to understand that we have to talk about what a narcissist is trying to
do when they lie - well they are trying to convince you that their public image
or persona is accurate of who they really are.
You persona is the facade that people put on when they are in public. For example,
when you’re at a party and you meet new people, and they ask you “how are you?” you’re not going
to talk about how you have bills to pay, that you and your husband might be getting
a divorce, or you have IBS. No, you’re going to say “I’m fine, everything is great. How are you?”
This is your persona, this is how you represent yourself in the world.
And it’s not a fully accurate version of you, but it is rooted in mostly reality.
You won’t say “I’m great, I just got elected President of the United States”
Well a narcissist might say that. In my research so I can better understand Narcissists
I came across a case study where the mother of a narcissist forced her daughter to see a therapist.
The mother’s main concern was that her daughter was unemployed and struggling.
When the therapist asked the narcissist about her job situation, she replied, I’m doing well,
I just got a high paid, high ranked job offer from a top company. That was all a lie by the way.
So we all have personas with which we engage with world,
but the narcissist’s persona is very different from reality.
So coming back to the Meghan Markle lie about getting married
3 days before hand - let’s talk about the reality.
The reality was that Meghan liked all the pom and circumstance. She wanted the big wedding,
the beautiful dress, the royal prince, and the fancy tiara. So much so that
she had multiple arguments with the royal family and staff over her fancy wedding.
But that reality does not serve the persona that she wants to put out into the world - the
persona of being down to earth, unmoved by money and frivolities of the rich,
and ambivalent to the attention of the entire world on her wedding day.
So why do people fall for her lies?
Well let’s talk about the way she told the lie,
because it was done so masterfully! Meghan didn’t talk about their “real”
wedding while showing Oprah around her expensive mansion in an expensive dress.
Instead, they were in their backyard, checking out a chicken coop, petting chickens,
dressed super casually, literally hunched down to the ground, talking about being authentic. I
mean come on! How can anyone say they not figuratively and literally down to earth!
It’s perfect! It’s a perfect way to be convinced of her reluctant royal persona.
That all this isn’t about attention, money, and status. This is about love and being real.
I can completely understand why the people who do believe Meghan, believe in her so fervently.
And think that all of us who don’t are being incredibly biased against her.
Even Oprah - someone who has interviewed so many people over the years, who is praised
for having emotional intelligence - even she couldn’t see that Meghan was lying.
But that’s the narcissist’s true ability - to hide in plain sight - for a while. There is one
big reason for why narcissists are so hard to spot - and that’s because they are incredibly charming.
Now if you’re a regular person - you know, you’re not a narcissist,
you’re not manipulative or psychopathic - when you sit down with a person and talk to them,
you want to believe what they’re saying. You don’t want to assume the person is lying. That’s
the initial goodwill that a person will extend to a stranger. That is until you get burned.
That’s exactly what Oprah did. She took
everything that they had to say and accepted their story as is.
And she received a lot of criticism for not
asking hard questions, for not challenging Harry and Meghan.
So why do narcissists think they can get away with their lies?
Even in those instances when they are debunked by the Archbishop of Canterbury himself?
Well, narcissists try to rely on the good nature of people,
on their willingness to give them the benefit of the doubt.
The hosts of good morning Britain are a good example since they gave Meghan wiggle room saying
that maybe she said they were getting married but really she meant they were getting a blessing.
People who like a narcissist, who buy into their persona
will want to give them the benefit of the doubt. They don’t want to be wrong about you,
they like you. They want to believe you are who you say you are.
This happens with employees and how they view their CEO.
Elizabeth Holmes is a great example of a false persona gone way too far.
Elizabeth sold herself as Steve Job 2.0 by wearing the clothes, maintaining intense wide eye contact,
and even changing the tone of her voice. And it worked on high profile people.
Also this, by the way, is exactly what happens in relationships with a narcissist.
When you start dating a narcissist, they sell you an amazing persona.
You fall in love with that persona. But when you start to find holes,
inconsistencies, lies, and you question the narcissist, they manipulate you into
thinking that you’re attacking them - you’re asking for too much, you’re being unfair.
So you think that the problem is with you, that you’re not giving them any room to be fallible.
So you start making excuses for their lies, their behavior,
and you start to defend their persona, and you become one of the tools for the lies yourself.
Thanks for watching everyone. I’m planning to do a series on narcissists
dissecting questions like why are narcissists so attractive, why it’s hard to leave a relationship
with a narcissist and more. If you have a particular question about this topic,
please let me know in the comments below and I will do my best to tackle it.
Thanks again, and I’ll see you next time! you