Look, Hila, It's been real, It's been fun.
I won't deny that we've had some good times.
(Hila) What is this?
This is my tactical vest, Hila.
And, frankly, I've learned some new techniques that'll allow me to pick up cuties like crazy,
and I just don't see any reason for us to stay together anymore.
I'm not going to shoot up a school, Hila.
I'm going to Whole Foods.
To pick up some cuties. Okay?
Don't wait up for me.
See ya.
(Intro) ♫ Wow, Ethan, great moves. Keep it up, proud of you ♫
When I say the greatest YouTuber of all time,
Many of you would probably think of PewDiePie,
JonTron, Filthy Frank,
there's a lot of great options,
but none of you would think of the real best YouTuber, Ryan Jaunzemis
and that is the greatest shame of my life.
Ryan Jaunzemis is a pick up artist,
a gangster rapper,
an athlete.
He has six hundred subs, PewDiePie has forty three million?!
Can you please not, PewDiePie?
Out here Ryan's hustlin' and grinding hard.
And what does he have to show for it?
Well today, that's no more.
Cos' when you all hear the greatest YouTuber of all time,
I want you all to know
Ryan. Jaunzemis.
Come with me guys, lets explore the Jaunzemis hole together.
Let's take a look.
[slurp]
"Fuck, if I'm gonna do this, I definitely need more coffee."
♫ Crappy intro jingle ♫
"So this is my official channel introduction,"
"and I wanna tell you guys a little bit about what THIS channel... is all about."
Now here's what I love first of all about Ryan Jaunzemis,
this is what I call a little "Jaunzemis magic".
Look at this picture, okay?
(Quoting text) "Subscribe to Ryan Jaunzemis on YouTube"
That looks like it was made twenty years ago.
When was this video uploaded?
Two thousand and fifteen (2015)
That's Ryan Jaunzemis magic.
I have never seen a nineties time capsule like Ryan Jaunzemis
and thats what I love about the guy.
In fact, if I'm gonna do this...
...I'm definitely going to need more sodie pops.
[slurp]
I need a big boy sodie pop
to handle this video.
"Now some of you guys"
"have been following me from WAY back in the day."
"Some of you guys..."
"Just now heard about me now."
"If that's the case"
"It is a pleasure... To meet you."
"Okay, so who the fuck am I?"
"Well,"
WHOAAHOAAAAAAAAAA!
That bracelet game has truly fucked me up right now.
Like, I was already feeling insecure by the amount of talents this guy has,
but seeing those black polished nails
and them PrankInvasion plus hellraiser bracelets...
Who could ever compete with that?
How does anyone get a date in Las Vegas, unbelievable.
"Okay, so who the fuck am I?"
"Well, if you were a skater in the late nineties,"
"then I know you recognise this clip right here"
"cos' this shit played in every skate shop,"
"Journey's, and Pacific Sunwear"
"across the fucking planet."
♫ A 90's techno beat plays in the background ♫ Now check out that sick-ass grind here
that wasn't done by magic.
No, that feet of strength was accomplished by Soap
...and a painful lack of self-awareness.
Soap shoes have a plastic bottom that allows you to grind on rails,
a fad that was briefly popular in the nineties.
"Yeah, I still skate, still soap."
"I actually got a pair right here."
So Ryan Jaunzemis was a famous soaper in the nineties
for the three weeks that it was popular,
and the guy, you gotta love him
because he has never let that go.
And I'm sure when Ryan appears in the pearly gates,
he's gonna soap that fucking gate hard.
Now if you wanna ask me what makes the best YouTuber alive,
Passion,
Dedication,
and the unwillingness to give up on things
that were really hot twenty years ago but still defines us today.
Soap or die!
["MLG-style" going ballistic sound effects]
"Now besides being a pro skater and a pro soaper,"
"I also wear a lot of other hats as well."
"I'm also a music artist."
"Now I mostly be fuckin' with gangster rap."
I remember something about Tupac saying something about like that he was like...
he loves soaping and he was really jealous
of Ryan's bracer game.
I remember him saying something like that Ryan stole his girl
because she thought his bracers were really dope.
So yeah, he's definitely O.G. status,
and I'm sure his music is off the chain.
♫ An old-style beat plays ♫
♫ I pour some water on my head cos' I'm sweatin', got no regrets. ♫
♫ an anxious for shit to set it, hoes on me soon as I step in! ♫
♫ Bitchez be grindin’, Henz what I’m sippin’. I’m pimpin’ an grippin’! ♫
♫ Rippin’ tha shit muuu-fucka! Welcome to Vegas bitchez! We club hoppin’. ♫
♫ It'z poppin’! I got tha VIP! Maxin’/relaxin’ behind... ♫
(Reading annotation) "Got motorola pills? Hit me up"
He's asking for drugs. [laughs]
On his YouTube channel.
(Reading annotation) "Got motorola pills, hit me up, MDMA or ecstasy."
This is some gangster shit,
I have never seen someone ask for drugs
in an annotation on their YouTube channel before
This is some true gangster shit.
"...let you guys know I'm a raver, so I be into that EDM and that trap shit."
[silence]
Okay, I take that back, Ryan.
Sorry, you're not a gangster anymore.
I don't even wanna know what you did to earn all those fuckin' jewels dawg,
I know shit gets weird at those EDC,
trust me, I've been there.
Okay, shit get's WEIRD.
♫ Ryan's rap song plays in the background ♫
"Now I have a really weird side-job out here in Las Vegas"
"I actually teach guys..."
"how to pick up women."
"Kinda like that movie 'Hitch' staring Will Smith"
"...except a thousand times more aggressive."
"Now I've banged hundreds of girls..."
"hey, I love sex and I love beautiful women."
"I don't apologise for that."
I love that he has his like live counter of girls he's banged,
he's at two-oh-four (204) here guys.
That's pretty impressive, I mean...
I mean, he prob- I wonder if that's also the number of STD's he's got.
I wonder if he comes out here every week and updates that number,
Ryan, I am checking back on this number next week,
and if that's not at two-oh-five (205), your game's stooping dawg.
You need to keep it up, 'kay?
Ryan's out there creating some new STD's, dude,
two hundred and four (204) girls, God damn, dawg!
Frankly though, for someone who's committed his life to pick-up,
I feel like that number's on the low side.
Like, you probably only HIV to like twenty (20) people.
Frankly, for a master pick-up artist, you should be looking at a hundred (100).
If you haven't even stepped into super-AIDS, dawg...
If you're AIDS isn't resistant to drugs,
then you need to step up your pick-up game, dude,
you are seriously- have not created enough STD's.
Dawg, if you don't even have an STD named after you
like the Jaunzemis disease or some shit like that,
then I feel like your pick-up game needs some work.
"I actually take guys out to bars, night clubs and even grocery stores"
"and for real now, like, personally..."
"I'm not a 'club guy'..."
"see I be pickin up bitches at Whole Foods n' shit."
If you're looking to fuck, definitely hit up Whole Foods,
because the club
definitely not where women go when they wanna have sex.
Whole Foods.
Bitches go to Whole Foods to fuck.
And that's what Ryan Jaunzemis is all about,
and that's what the Jaunzemis pixie dust is all about.
"Now most people don't know..."
"on the weekdays they actually teach yoga there,"
"and there'll be a GANG of hot bitches up there."
"I'm talking like hot strippers n' shit."
"But anyways, I take guys out and I mic them up with covert listening devices"
"lapel mic's and hidden cameras."
[slams desk]
Okay.
[clicks fingers] [claps]
Welcome to Ryan Jaunzemis' channel here guy's.
Spy cam glasses,
Ear buds,
Lapel mic,
CONDOMS!
Dawg, you're going to Whole Foods to try to meet ladies,
you're not going to Iraq.
He's dressed like the fucking secret service.
"Hi, I'm Ryan Jaunzemis,"
"I'm Las Vegas's most aggressive infield dating and seduction coach,"
"and I teach men JUST like you how to meet"
"attract and date the women that you've always wanted."
"By the time you're done training with me,"
"You'll have the specific skill set enabling you to get a woman's phone number"
"that you just met, in under fifteen seconds."
"Over the last three years, I've helped hundreds of guys become"
"more successful with their interactions with women."
"I'm gonna teach you what to say, when to say it,"
"how to say it, and how to stand when you say it."
"I'm gonna critique your body language, your posture..."
"I'm gonna mic you up with covert listening devices,"
"lapel mics, and two-way radios"
"so that I can analyse your speech pattern and your vocal tonality."
"Call me today for a free consultation"
"...And if you go online right now, you can go to W-W-W dot"
So, basically Ryan's advice...
...we got kicked out, and they called the police.
So, basically, I don't know what to say about Ryan's advice.
I was just following his advice, I put on my tactical vest and I loaded up.
I didn't really see anything wrong with it, I mean...
...but,
I don't know why anyone would possibly look at me
and think I was dangerous or bizarre, not just trying to pick up cuties.
But apparently there's a problem,
and, so... we're just trying to get out of here as soon as possible.
[police siren sound effect]
(Ryan) "Hi, I'm Ryan Jaunzemis"
"I'm Las Vegas's most aggressive infield dating and seduction coach."
Okay, you know what, say what you will about Ryan Jaunzemis,
but he is a prolific artist.
This guy has like...
Two hundred hour-long videos on his YouTube channel, look at this shit.
Look at this,
Ten steps to success - audio book - part one.
Look how many!
Ryan Jaunzemis, you madman dude, look at all these!
How many steps to success are there?
Dude! What the fuck!?
Let's listen to one...
(Computer-generated voice) "It's the climb:"
(Computer-generated voice) "Miley Cyrus."
(Coming from computer) "...Miley Cyrus"
That was actually very useful, that...
Maybe I'll listen- that one was really useful information.
(Reading description) Written by Ryan Jaunzemis.
That was actually really insightful.
Let's find one with a little more meat here, lets see...
(In a computer-generated voice)
(In agreement) Hmmm.
[laughs]
Absolutely.
For sure, dawg.
(subtitle should read "fat")
Oh my Go- [laughs]
(In a high pitched voice) Does that happen?
What the fuck??
♫ Relaxing and emotional music ♫
(In a computer-generated voice) "Eeag-yeeak-yaak" -
- "All talk and no fucking action." -
- "Teach me how you're able to pull all these hot young girls."
(Tai Lopez) "Knowledge!" - "When a fat person sits down right in front of you" -
- "and is sitting there stuffing their fat face with donuts..." -
- "It's the climb: Miley Cyrus." -
- "as they then lift up their second chin only to stuff yet another jelly donut into their fat face."
"The things you'll find on this channel are playlists for"
"for learning how to do tattoos,"
"martial arts, personal vlogs, podcasts, updates, tour dates,"
"and other secret insider information."
"I'll also be releasing all of my core teachings..."
"for the new world religion that I'm establishing"
[sighs]
Okay, greatest YouTuber of all time.
Can you name one other YouTuber...
who has their own world religion?!?
I don't see it.
And look at this picture, dude.
What even is this?
Of course Ryan Jaunzemis has his own world religion, why wouldn't he?
He's like Chris from PrankInvasion on fucking steroids
...and super-AIDS.
Ryan, please accept me as your disciple, dude!
All I want is to soap and bang hot stripper bitches from Whole Foods.
[exorcism sounds and coughing]
"I'm definitely open to meeting new people,"
"and connecting with new friends."
"And of course, YouTube does have some very beautiful women on it."
"I'm just a single guy up in Vegas,"
(In a higher pitched voice) "So hollaaaaaa"
(Imitating Ryan) "Hollaaaaa"
I love that he's actually using this as way to pick up girls, his trailer.
Man, I wonder if he's got laid.
I honestly would be honored, if I was a girl watching this
to join his ranks of the two hundred and four.
I would be honored to be your two hundred and fifth, Ryan.
I would be honored to accept your new STD
...and immediately die after you put your penis inside of me.
"I don't upload videos in any particular order,"
"so make sure you go to video playlists so you can get the updates."
"A good one to check out first is my highschool throwback video playlist."
"Funny shit in there."
"Old skate videos, house parties, drugs..."
"...Justin takes a shit on the floor in Ralph's."
Justin takes a shit on the floor at Ralphs, that sounds like a fucking classic!
Dude, I wanna see if I can find that.
(As he types) Justin takes a shit on the floor of Ralph's
This better find it.
Ryan Jaunzemis, five years ago, two hundred and fifty views!
Here it is, dude!
(Reading description) Justin takes a phat SHIT ON THE FLOOR! Hysterical!
I can't believe we've found the legendary video
"Justin takes a shit on the floor of Ralphs", dude.
It's still here!
"It stinks in here."
"Fuckin' pissed on you, bitch!"
"Did you shit on the floor?"
[laughs]
"Shut up"
Frankly, I don't know what I was expecting.
It's pretty much what he promised, he delivered on,
Justin took a phat shit on the floor of Ralph's.
Justin, I gotta tell you dawg, I think you've got some issues, dude.
You've gotta love... that after all these years... you know,
he's been soaping along the decades, he's been through things,
he's changed, he's evolved, he's grown up,
twenty years later, he's still doing callbacks
to Justin taking a phat shit on the floor on Ralphs.
That's a- that's a beautiful thing.
"Alright guys, it's ya boy Ryan J,"
"I'm out, I love you guys, stay connected."
"Hollat ya boy, fuck, hit me up on Skype, it's Jaunzemis2013"
He put... his Skype in the video.
Oh my god, dude.
We've gotta hit him up.
I've gotta add him on Skype right now.
(As he types) Jaunzemis, big fan dawg
spesh- especially love the one where Jeff shit on the floor,
crying laughing emoji.
Please hit me up dawg, huge fan, love your soap vids!
Now we wait... for my idol to get back at me.
♫ 'Poppin' dem Motorolaz' plays in the background ♫
(Ryan) "Banged a bunch of hot highschool girls,"
"getting paid two hundred dollars an hour,"
"getting free booze..."
"free clothes..."
"endless pairs of free shoes..."
"getting commercials to-"
We 'bout to soap this bitch... up!
♫ Ryan's rap song continues in the background ♫
[skype incoming call sound]
Ryan Jaunzemis added me on Skype!
♫ Intense music plays ♫
I think I'm going to call him, I mean... Let's just see what happens, dude.
[skype outgoing call sound]
"Hello, Ethan."
"I've been waiting for you."
How do you know my name, dude?
"Oh, I've been watching you. H-3-H-3."
"Yup."
What the fuuuckk?
"The soap community's onto you."
♫ h3h3 outro music ♫
Hi.
"Hey!"
How ya doing?
"Good thanks, how are you?"
Doing good, just living that soap life.
[girl laughs]