Transcriber: TED Translators Admin Reviewer: Camille Martínez
It may sound strange to bring up work,
but when we fall in love,
we often consider what that love will do to our life,
and our work and careers are a big part of that.
[The Way We Work]
[Made possible with the support of Dropbox]
All working couples face hard choices,
and these can feel like a zero-sum game.
One partner gets offered a job in another city,
so the other needs to leave their job and start over.
One partner takes on more childcare and puts their career on hold
so the other can pursue an exciting promotion.
One gains and one loses.
And while some couples who make these choices are satisfied,
others regret them bitterly.
What makes the difference?
I've spent the last seven years studying working couples,
and I've found that it's not what couples choose,
it's how they choose.
Of course, we can't control our circumstances,
nor do we have limitless choices.
But for those we do,
how can couples choose well?
First: start early, long before you have something to decide.
The moment you're faced with a hard choice,
say, whether one of you should go back to school
or take a risky job offer,
it's too late.
Choosing well begins with understanding each other's aspirations early on --
aspirations like wanting to start a small business,
live close to extended family,
save enough money to buy a house of our own
or have another child.
Many of us measure our lives by comparing what we're doing
with our aspirations.
When the gap is small,
we feel content.
When it's large,
we feel unhappy.
And if we're part of a couple,
we place at least some of that blame with our partner.
Set aside time at least twice a year
to discuss your aspirations.
I'm a big fan of keeping a written record of these conversations.
Putting pen to paper with our partners
helps us remember each other's aspirations
and that we're writing the story of our lives together.
Next: eliminate options
that don't support the life you want to live together.
You can do this agreeing on boundaries that make hard choices easier.
Boundaries like geography: Where would you like to live and work?
Time: How many working hours a week will make family life possible?
Travel: How much work travel can you really stand?
Once you've agreed to your boundaries, the choice becomes easy
when faced with an opportunity that falls outside of them.
"I'm not going to interview for that job,
because we've agreed we don't want to move across country."
Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime
because we've agreed it's essential we spend more time together as a family."
Couples who understand each other's aspirations
and commit to strong boundaries
can let go of seemingly attractive opportunities without regret.
If you're faced with an opportunity that falls within your boundaries,
then what matters is that the choices you make
keep your couple in balance over time,
even if they don't perfectly align with both partners' aspirations
at the same time.
If your choices are mainly driven by one partner
or support one partner's aspirations more than the other,
an imbalance of power will develop.
That imbalance, I've found,
is the reason most working couples who fail do so.
Eventually, one gets fed up with being a prop
rather than a partner.
To avoid this,
track your decisions over time.
Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,
there's no need to keep a detailed record of every decision you make.
Just keep an open conversation going about how able each of you feel
to shape decisions that affect you both.
How will you know you've chosen well?
One common misunderstanding
is that you can only know what choice is right in hindsight.
And maybe it's true we judge life backwards,
but we must live it forwards.
I've found that couples who look back on a choice as a good one
did so not just because of the outcome eventually;
they did it because that choice empowered them individually and as a couple
as they made it.
It wasn't what they chose,
it was that they were choosing deliberately,
and that made them feel closer and freer together.