I AM DRUNK WITH MY
OWN SELF IMPORTANCE
REALLY TRULY ITS LIKE
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN'T DO
IT'S AMAZING
EVERY TIME I TURN A PAGE
I WANT ALL YOU KIDS
TO GO WHOOSH
CELEBRITIES WRITE CHILDREN'S BOOKS
WHEN THEY REALIZE ADULTS HAVE
STOPPED GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THEM
AND SINCE NO ONE IS MORE
QUALIFIED TO CAPTURE A KIDS IMAGINATION
THAN MY BARELY LITERATE FANS
I FIGURED YOU'D BE THE PERFECT
CO-AUTHORS FOR MY FIRST KIDS BOOK
CALLED THE BALDING PELICAN
IN THE LONG AWAITED RETURN
OF TWITTEN BY
BUTTERFLY IN THE SKY
I CAN GO TWICE AS HIGH
TAKE A LOOK ITS IN A BOOK
ITS READING RAINBOW
HI GUYS
HI
WHO IS READY FOR STORY TIME?
ME
IT'S WRITTEN BY ME
AND ALL OF MY FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER
DO YOU GUYS FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER?
I DO
YOU DO?
I DO
OH YOU FOLLOW ME
GOOD YOU GUYS ITS NOT JUST
PLUGS I'M PUTTING A LOT OF
GOOD ZINGERS OUT THERE
THIS IS CALLED THE BALDING PELICAN
(LAUGHS)
WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH BIG EARS?
I DON'T HAVE BIG EARS SO I DON'T
YES YOU DO
NOT I DO NOT
YES
THEY ARE ACTUALLY SMALL FOR MY HEAD THANK YOU
(KIDS ALL TALKING)
THEY ARE NOT BIG THEY STICK
OUT A LITTLE BIT
BUT THEY ARE NOT BIG
THEY ARE LIKE AN ELEPHANTS
THEY ARE NOT LIKE AN ELEPHANTS AT ALL
LOSING CONTROL THEY ARE NOT BIG
DO YOU LIKE FISH?
YEAH I LIKE SHRIMP
"AHH, CRAB LEGS?"
YES YES YES
MMMM I LOVE CRAB LEGS
OK
OK ALRIGHT LETS GET BACK TO THE BOOK
OH HE LOVES THE SAUSAGES
ME TOO
OHH
(LAUGHS)
WHY DID UM HE POOP
ON A RANDOM LADY'S HEAD?
I THINK THAT IS SYMBOLISM
(LAUGHS) EW
AND WHY IS HE BALD?
PROBABLY MAINLY STRESS AND GENES
OOOHHHHH
(LAUGHS)
OHH
EWWW (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
UNDERWEAR
THAT'S NOT UNDERWEAR
THAT IS CRAB MEAT
(LAUGHS)
YOU PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN
(LAUGHS)
NO
NO I DON'T THINK SO EITHER
WHAT DA?
UM
WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK?
BOO
IT WASN'T GOOD?
BOO NO
ALRIGHT THAT IS ALL FOR TODAY
ITS TIME FOR NAP TIME
NO NO
I'M NOT TIRED
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO (KIDS ALL LAUGHING)
I'M NOT TIRED
NO
I'M NOT TIRED
PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME
YOU ARE ALL RIDDLED
WITH DISEASES
HOPE YOU DVR'd THAT BECAUSE
YOU CHILDREN ARE GOING
TO WANT TO WATCH IT A THOUSAND TIMES
WHY NOT JUST BUY THEM THE BOOK?