- The holiday season is upon us once again.
And here at Smosh, that means something special.
(Rewind sound effect)
(♪)
(beep)
- "How to monetize being an ally"
Oh.
(everyone laughing)
- Oh no, our Google searches leaked again.
Why does this keep happening?
Oh my gosh.
(people laughing)
I feel okay, but I like to search for
freaky shit sometimes.
- Girl.
- So, we'll see what happens here.
- What was like your most recent freaky shit Google?
- We're about to see.
- I use Google.
I be looking up that nakey stuff.
You know what I'm talking about.
I be in Google and I'd be like "my girlfriend's butt."
- This feels wrong.
Like "Google,
show me my girlfriend's butt and knees."
- No.
- And show me her nice neck.
I think her collarbone's cute.
- Will vlogging make me happy?
Oh, this is so crazy because
I did start a vlogging channel, @jacklyn_uweh.
That's so wild.
It's exhausting.
(everyone laughing)
- Truly exhausting, I don't know how
these (beep) be doing it.
(everyone laughing)
- I'm like, what did I do today?
I just (beep) slept.
That's what I did.
Oh, I'm working. I'm not happy.
(everyone laughing)
- You know what, let's do it.
Let's expose my Google searches.
I'm ready.
Coochie wigs (for character work).
(everyone laughing)
Hey, I really wanna know how to
get a cute coochie wig.
I wanna get a big bush.
I got a great character idea.
I wanna get a good bush
and just one landing strip.
It's very hard to find.
I think that they're at Hollywood Wigs.
- Y'all got coochie hair.
Y'all act like you don't have coochie hair.
- I just don't need a wig. I have plentiful. Plentiful.
- Oh, okay.
- That's it.
(everyone laughing)
I'm sorry anybody ask and
stop everything again.
- Alarm clock that never works.
This is a real Google search of mine.
And when it didn't come up
I knew I had the best product idea.
I was like, everyone wants to lie about why they're late.
So this is an alarm clock that you can take a picture
of and it's like, oh, see the time's wrong.
It's always wrong every day.
It's a different time you set an alarm.
Maybe it's set, maybe it doesn't.
The entire point is that it just doesn't work.
Yeah. It's not a novelty gift.
It's a real gift for you to avoid work.
- And this would work how many times for a single job?
- It works every day.
A broken clock is right twice.
This one works perfectly fine, it's never right.
- Anime voices girls want to hear in bed.
Right? So...
- Yep.
- All of us know that when we do most of our anime watching
you're turning on Crunchyroll
on the old TV in the bedroom,
you're falling asleep and I wanna make sure at least half
of the demographic watching anime is comfortable
while they're falling asleep.
And I've been really working on my anime voices.
Never voiced in an anime before,
but I've been, I'd really like to.
- I wanna hear.
- I gotta add this. Oh
- Oh yeah. You've got two girls here.
You can test it.
- Yeah. We're in bed right now.
- And I can like get into the mindset.
- Absolutely. Obviously it's gotta be like sultry
and like really lull you to bed.
So it'll be like, I'm gonna be like
(speaks in Japanese)
And then they like fight.
- Wait, can they have like a fun time?
(everyone laughing)
- Why does pspspspsps make my cat come but not me? (cum)
- Parentheses, cum.
I'm having a really hard time having an orgasm this year.
(everyone laughing)
- New Year's resolution.
- I also Google whether antidepressants make your
sex drive go down.
They do.
- Awe
So my cat's having a great time
but it is gonna be a rough holiday.
- What is pspspspsps stand for?
- Yeah, that's how you get a cat.
- It's just the cat meme where you--
- I'm not a cat gal.
- Yeah.
- I literally have no idea what this means.
What is twink?
People keep saying it.
Like I asked so twink.
I'm like, he's so twink.
I'm like, what does that mean?
I literally still don't.
- What did the Google search turn up for you?
What did it say?
- It said little guy, big bear sex.
- Can person survive on just butter noodles?
Again, I've been doing a lot of searches and
this one didn't come up.
We did come up with TLC's "My Strange Addiction."
There's a guy who only ate pizza and
he couldn't help but throw up after every meal at
this point in his life.
- Oh.
- And I knew because I can eat butter noodles
and I'm fine that I must be a superhero.
So I Googled it quick.
They said no.
So I found out I'm not a person.
I must legally be something else.
Noodle. I might be noodle now.
I don't know.
- Men's long length, men's long length open button
front draped lightweight cloak cardigan hoodie
with pockets rush order.
- Look - Rush order.
- We all go through changes in our lives.
I know y'all haven't accepted it, but I'm a fashion boy now.
- Long toilets like hot dog ways but longer than you think.
- What?
(all laughing)
- No, I googled this
because I like to sit on toilets like different ways.
I like to have options depending on what I ate that week.
So I was just looking, you know
there was a way something that maybe I could have
a second toilet that I could put in my apartment.
- So you like to lay down when you dump?
- Yeah. It's exhausting.
- So does it look like your toilet's, like smiling kind of.
- Oh - That's, that's weird.
- No it's not.
- But I'm hoping that like I can start the process at
one end and
- Dive in. - Yeah.
- This happens for peeing and this happens for
- This just for sanitary.
- Yeah. It's a, it's the same restroom
but there is a guest section.
This is the guest section of the
- Her guest is on the other side of the hot dog.
- If I can get a guest in there,
they can be on the other side of the hot dog.
- Tallest wedding dress.
Yeah. This is so real because let me tell you.
All these brides out here on Instagram,
they're 5'5" and it's like,
get this cute dress, get this cute dress
perfect for this season.
Get these gloves.
I'm like, these gloves are gonna come up to here.
These dresses are gonna be like above my ankle.
I don't wanna a crab digging wedding dress.
That's an east coast term. - Crab digging?
It's where it's, no it's those jeans.
They almost look like culottes.
- Oh my momma will call them high waters.
- It's jeans that stop right underneath the knee.
- Yeah
- Because you wear 'em when you dig for crabs.
- Like a capri?
- Yep. So I found the tallest wedding dress at Big
and Tall and there's only one in stock
and I'm gonna need to get that tailored to fit my body.
- Can I masturbate if I have dyed hair?
So I had to Google this one
because I only masturbate in the shower for easy cleanup
and so people don't hear me.
- That's so smart I should do that.
- Yeah. And, and yeah because I have dye hair.
The answer was no.
'cause it can get in your pee hole and then, and then
your child will come out like green and blue.
Just like weird shit.
- That's how Wicked started.
- What? - That's how Wicked started.
- I was about to say new Shrek Lord just dropped.
- Are you done masturbating?
- Yeah, I gave that up.
- Oh I can confirm.
You can't do that.
Your babies will come out weird.
And everybody knows the point
of masturbating is to have a baby.
Exactly. So Noah's Noah's correct on that.
Can Noah masturbate with dyed hair?
- What a good ally.
- I, here's the thing, I think men have a hard time talking
about their feelings a lot.
Just the way societally like it's not expected of us.
So obviously I know that
you can't masturbate with dyed hair.
Am I the only one?
Am I alone?
So I have to think of the only other person I know
with as much chemical in their scalp as I do.
And it's Noah Grossman.
The answer is no for both of us.
- Yeah. - That sucks guys.
- Yeah, it really does.
- Get on that.
- Short but fat hot dog.
- What's going on with you?
- I really, I do love hot dogs.
- Anything that's shaded like a penis.
- I'm lonely Amanda.
- Okay and I like a chode.
(all laughing)
My mom doesn't watch this channel.
She thinks I work on Smoosh.
- Is Handmaid's tail true?
Like what?
Did all those women escape in those robes?
Because it was super obvious.
Like they had to be seen everywhere.
- That's why you Googled it.
- Yeah. Those robs are like super obvious.
Like how do they escape on the road?
- So you spelled it with tale t-a-i-l?
- Yes. Like tail.
Like they're, they're they're tails.
'Cause all these women have tails and that's why
they're forced to give birth because they all want babies
with tails.
- Got it.
That's what the show's about.
- How much per month for Free Mason versus Premium Mason.
(all laughing)
- That's funny.
- Now I, I did Google this one up
because I don't know if you guys know this
but the Free Masons are supposed to be, you know
some scary group.
Well the ads were too much.
There's three ads every 15 minutes
of being a Free Mason and that's just, it's annoying.
- How do these ads get to you?
- Just straight into your brain. I dunno if you know this
but in chicken nuggets are small machines.
- And every chicken nugget you eat is a little tiny video
camera that gets attached to the back of your eye.
- So you only eat kid food?
- So if you had a 20 piece last night
there's probably 20 cameras in you right now.
- Yes. - At least.
- Erin Dougal Funko Pop.
That's right.
That's right. If y'all don't know, Erin Dougal is one
of our beloved writers and I, I do enjoy Funko Pops.
Now I haven't collected them in a couple years
because my spare rooms keep getting too full
and the individual stacks keep falling over.
But there is one prized position I have yet to acquire.
This was a ComicCon 2021 release.
They only made one was made by hand by me and I lost it.
So I keep trying to see if eBay, sorry electronic bay.com
has it.
I do have a Funko pop of myself that was made
by a fan that was given to us at a con one time
which was very nice.
And it looks pretty accurate except now it's got, you know
I've got the purple hair.
It has the blue hair.
- Were you wearing a cape?
- No, I should start wearing like mantles and capes.
- You should. - Yeah.
- Cheesecake Factory menu fan fiction.
I was at Cheesecake Factory two days ago
and there's a lot on that menu.
That skinny menu.
- I don't know. - Yeah
What is that about?
- Yeah, but I did get the egg roll sampler.
- Mm. They're pretty good.
- A girl Geraldine goes
to the Cheesecake Factory and she goes to the bar.
She's thinking she's gonna have an egg roll sampler
on her own.
But someone else also has an egg roll sampler
that drops at the same time.
She thinks it's hers but it's actually Juan's.
They both reach for the egg roll sampler at the same time.
"Oh my God.
I'm so sorry Juan.
I thought it was my egg--"
"No, it's okay Geraldine."
"How did you know my name?"
"Your name tag.
You work at Hot Dog on a Stick."
(all laughing)
- Wall-E no shirt.
That little robot's cute.
And I wanna know why doesn't he have
a shirt on all the time?
Man, that movie.
So good.
- I cannot get through Wall-E.
I watched, I've tried like five times.
- What it's actually really good.
- It's hard to get through.
- Me too.
- Why is it because it's slow or because you feel so much?
- It's slow.
I go to sleep.
- Wow.
- How to monetize being an ally.
Oh.
So, look, we're all on TikTok, right?
And there was that sound by the time this comes out
maybe it won't be popular
but it was just like "talk Valentina" and then
Valentina goes, "ally!"
And I really like that sound and I'm like, how do I
someone who enjoys that, take that and make it mine
like it's a new thing I made up.
So I've sort of gotta deal with Build-A-Bear
in a in the works where you can make a a little
a little doll of yourself
but the little sound box that you punch in just goes
"Ally. Ally."
- That's his Funko Pop.
In a cape saying, "Ally!"
(all laughing)
- That's true. - So funny.
- While it is technically monetized, I think their system
might be down or something.
'cause the sales are listed as zero currently.
- Jobs that let you give 30%.
- I feel like someone's coming up for your neck.
- No. Hey listen that's all right.
No, yeah, I did Google this jobs that let you give 30%.
Unfortunately Smosh didn't come up
or one job did and that was the president position
but it was already taken.
- Oh burns! - Kidding.
- Such a burn.
- So edgy! - Ramen noodles burn.
- But no, all the jobs that came up for 130%.
That's what came up was like fast food worker.
Dog walker. Teacher.
- Mom. - Ma--mom.
- Hardest job on the planet.
- What mental illness makes you attracted to comedians?
I did Google this.
It's hard dating a comedian
'cause you don't know when the bits stop.
And then you're just like, okay.
- Can never stop. - They never stop.
And then you're like, "Okay
I would seriously like you to kiss me now."
(all laughing)
It's not fun.
- Doggos and puppers and niblings and nubberts.
- That's cute. - We all knew about this one.
- Yeah.
- All right, so I'm getting into potions, right?
Some of the ingredients are
like doggo fur and pupper pupper kisses.
Nibbling is when specifically you're on a terrible date
and someone thinks they're doing something real sexy
and they're like, "You want a little nibbling?"
And you're like, "I don't know what that is."
And then just sort of gum your ear.
No teeth.
- Oh love that. - No teeth.
Awful. Just no teeth.
Just gumming.
And so you take the saliva from that
also plop it on in there.
Nubberts are those really short, fat
hot dogs that Jackie was talking about
about and you have to order them special from Amazon.
- This was serious.
Okay guys, I really needed to know.
Men with big butts, tiny hole porb.
I was in a super rush.
I needed to get it done.
I wanted to write porn
but B just came there and I was like searching anyways baby.
I was in bed laying on my back and I heard my fiancé come
in and I needed to just search it quick
and I wanted to find it.
There's a lot out there.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
That man has a huge ass and the tiniest little hole.
- He would have to cause all that lifting.
Like there's this bodies just swole.
- Oh yeah.
He like works on that.
I thought you misspelled pro, but I was like, make sense.
- No, it was, it was porn and I just, I, I had
I was quick on my text.
- It was a one-handed
- 'Cause I didn't wanna get caught.
I was like, and then when he came in I was like asleep.
- Small Noah.
So every now and then I will Google small Noah.
I like to keep track.
So I don't know if you guys know this, but Noah was one
of the most popular names back in like 2015, 2016.
So I gotta keep track on the other Noah's 'cause
there's kind of a ranking going on. I don't know if you know
I'm an actor so IMDB gets to your head.
My famous birthdays is I'm what?
I'm probably like 278th Noah.
- That's pretty good though.
- I'm like 28th Valentine's Day birthday.
- Right? - Oh.
- Something like that. - We have the same birthday.
- Wait, are you born on Valentine's Day too?
- Yes.
- Calling yourselves a Valentine's Day baby.
I kind of disagree with, 'cause as someone that was born
about nine months after Valentine's Day
I would argue that I'm a Valentine's Day baby.
- You're right.
I'm a Mother's Day.
No. Yeah, I'm a Mother's Day conception.
- Yeah
- Can't wait to see what I Googled next.
Oh yeah.
Gamer chair with added support for plumpy dumper.
So it's no secret.
I've got a wicked caboose and I am a gamer.
When I was a kid, they called me husky.
I had to buy those kind of jeans.
But yeah, you know what, I've got a wicked dumper.
It's how it goes.
- You gotta get those kinda jeans.
- I'm sorry like
I've got a wicked like boom.
- Wow. - Big butt. Tiny hole.
- Boom. That's a proportional hole.
- Well that was a little freaky.
- That was, yeah, that was real sexual you guys.
I can't believe you guys all use Google for sexual things.
- Of course.
- I hope you don't feel weird after watching this.
No, but if you wanna feel weirder, we got more videos
for you.
Hey, come on back.
- Where am I?
- I don't know.
- It's like I'm in Jackie's backyard right now.
Come on inside.
Okay - Come on inside.
- Why are you in her backyard?
- I don't know.
- And then you get invited in?
- Welcome back to the vlog.
It's another day.
Me here with my friend Smash.
Tell us who Google searches you wanna see
(both) leaked.
- Is that right?
- Leave that in please.
- That's the outro.
- Did I do good? - Please
- We should.
We should get a famous person here.
No, we shouldn't.
- I mean, aren't you 278th in terms of Noah's?
- Yeah but no when you look at the ratio
of income on those Noah's, it's
- 20 to one - More.