There comes a time in every man’s life when he must choose between two paths.
The first, to maintain his self respect.
Or the second, to toss money at a woman until she notices him.
Retired Emperor Gotoba 後鳥羽 chose the latter.
Gotoba ruled the Japanese Imperial court.
It was the Kamakura Period, a time when the Retired Emperor held more power than the actual
sitting emperor.
With great power comes great responsibility...was not a sentence that escaped Gotoba’s mouth.
He had a bad temper and would share it with anyone who annoyed him.
He loved houses, often other people’s houses, often making the house of some unlucky noble
the property of the Imperial family so he could stay in it whenever he liked.
Gotoba was a man of many hobbies, like sumo wrestling and archery.
Unfortunately, one of his hobbies resulted in whoreable consequences.
You see, he loved shirabyōshi 白拍子 dancers.
These were female entertainers whose services included dancing, singing, and bed bouncing.
Gotoba invited dancers from across the land to vigorously bounce on his bed.
They even bounced in government buildings.
Imagine that. Bouncing. In the workplace. People were appalled.
He golden showered his favorite dancers with lavish gifts, but one time it went too far.
He became infatuated with one of his dancers.
He even gave her father a government post.
But like a simp and his ample-bosomed Twitch streamer, it was never enough.
And while a normal simp can only give away his rent money, Royal Simp Gotoba had the
resources of the state.
He decided to give her family a big plot of land.
Only problem was, the land belonged to the shogunate.
Japan at the time had a weird system where the country had two governments sharing the rule.
The traditional Imperial court in Kyoto governed in the west.
The emperor was officially at the top of this pyramid of pale faced, poetry loving aristocrats.
But it was the Retired Emperor who held actual power.
The Emperor was mostly a figurehead.
The military shogunate in Kamakura ruled the east.
The shogun was the official leader there, but the real leader was the regent, usually
someone from the Hōjō clan.
This pyramid was full of thick headed, battle hardened warriors who ate poems for breakfast
and shat out erotic Sailor Moon fanfic.
The land that Gotoba wanted to give his dancer belonged to the regent of the Kamakura shogunate,
Hōjō Yoshitoki 北条 義時.
Yoshitoki declined, three times.
Gotoba convened a council to cry about it.
“How dare this horse-humping country bumpkin defy an Imperial order,” Gotoba said.
“He’s got to go.”
The history books say this was why the war started, but there was already beef between
Gotoba and the Hōjō clan.
The Hōjō had previously made a deal with Gotoba to make Gotoba’s son the next shogun.
But when someone assassinated the shogun, Gotoba broke his promise and refused to let
his son become shogun.
The Hōjō scrambled to find another heir, and the whole ordeal left a bad taste in everyone’s panties.
Why was Gotoba such a dick?
Well, because he wasn’t that crazy over the two-government system.
He thought the Imperial court was the rightful government and the shogunate was a bunch of
hillbillies who didn’t know their place.
Gotoba probably hoped that after the shogun’s assassination, a succession dispute would
cause chaos in the shogunate.
Unfortunately, it didn’t.
It just made the Hōjō stop inviting Gotoba to their D&D sessions.
Before kicking off the war, Gotoba was a little worried, so he went to 7 onmyōji.
These were sorcerers with the power of fortune-telling.
He asked them if it was a good time for a war,
but sadly they predicted bad luck for him, and told him to delay it.
That’s unfortunate, he thought, that they could have gotten their predictions so wrong.
And he went ahead with the war.
Okay fine, he did have second thoughts, but ultimately decided to go full steam ahead
on the train to a town called Catastrophe.
In 1221, Gotoba opened a menu and ordered Hōjō Yoshitoki’s head, hold the body.
It was called the Jōkyū War.
Yoshitoki was quite fond of his head, especially when it was attached to his body, so he pulled
up his pants and put on his best army.
The historical texts say that the Kamakura army was huge, 190,000 men strong.
Probably an exaggeration, but it was bigger than the other side.
Gotoba had previously worked behind the scenes to accumulate allies.
Warriors of the east were all loyal to the shogunate, but he had expected many of the
shogunate men who lived in the west to join him.
The shogunate tended to treat anyone outside of the east as second class citizens, including
its own followers.
A lot of the shogunate men in the west were mad at this.
Apparently they weren’t mad enough because the court’s defenders were outnumbered.
The Sauron orcish army marched towards Kyoto, leaving tattered limbs and broken dreams in its wake.
When they got to the capital, they set fire to houses and cut down enemy warriors.
They searched neighboring areas for soldiers who fled the battlefield.
Bodies of men and horses filled the streets, making it hard to walk.
Afterwards, the victors were merciful actually.
If there was any uncertainty whether or not someone fought for the Imperial court, that
person was let go.
But there were still plenty of executions.
It would have been disrespectful to the losing side if a few heads weren’t displayed in
the town square for people to enjoy.
Retired Emperor Gotoba blamed evil ministers for deceiving him, but he and his sons were exiled anyways.
Gotoba’s beef with the Hōjō clan didn’t go the way he planned.
He ordered some beef, and he got served.
The shogunate seized more than 3000 pieces of land from the court nobles and warriors
who fought on the Imperial side.
It was a big win for the shogunate over the Imperial court.
The east had beaten the west,
the country bumpkins had overcome the tea drinking, pinky finger extending aristocrats.
Now the shogunate could have just ended the Imperial court right then and there,
and Japan’s Imperial family line would have been over.
Japan would have been ruled by a single military government.
But they didn’t do that. Why not? A couple reasons.
The shogunate was just responding to Gotoba’s attack. They were defending themselves.
They probably didn’t have bigger plans to take over the country.
Also, destroying the court would allow local warlords in the west to rise up, band together,
and threaten the shogunate itself.
Remember, the shogunate didn’t have as much control over warriors in the west.
It was a real threat because right after the Imperial court’s defeat,
little social climbing warlords across the country said,
“Welp, don’t have to follow laws anymore,” and started looting and pillaging.
It could have started a gigantic civil war.
The country needed stability, and that meant the traditional Imperial government had to stay.
The shogunate even sent their samurai to put down the uprisings.
Now the Hōjō leaders had another pickle to deal with:
how to justify their attack on the capital.
The Imperial Family were supposed to be descendants of the gods, and Imperial law could not be questioned.
You couldn’t just ignore the Emperor’s words and invade the capital whenever you wanted
like it was your own personal Tenga.
So the main justification they came up with after-the-fact was that, yes the Emperor’s words were absolute,
but not when the country was badly ruled or the ruler was unjust.
They claimed that Western Japan was a disaster, badly managed.
Whether or not that was true was up to interpretation.
Also, Gotoba was kind of a dick, and dicks should be taken out.
This was similar to China’s Mandate of Heaven theory, where if the country was in bad shape,
it meant the Emperor lost the Mandate of Heaven and could be replaced.
So although they exiled Retired Emperor Gotoba, they put another emperor on the throne, and
gave the leadership position to another retired emperor.
This kept the Imperial family line unbroken and did not anger the gods.
Actually not much changed after the Jōkyū War, except everyone knew that the shogunate
was there to stay and you couldn’t mess with those eastern badasses.
The shogunate became an equal to the traditional Imperial court.
Shogunate men were appointed to official posts in a lot of places in central and western Japan.
The shogunate’s power was growing, with no roadblocks in sight.
Alright, today’s quiz question is this.
What was the name for Japanese ritualists who practiced the Way of Yin and Yang?
Answer in the comments.
I’ll choose a winner tomorrow from among the correct answers.
Winner gets one of these. Good luck!
We have a new emperor patron this week, Monica Une.
Thanks Monica I really appreciate it!
We also have some new patrons, Naoto Kamigire-Terumi, and FireStarter Henry.
Thanks you guys. Alright I love you, and spread the knowledge!