>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR LOLOUIS CATO AND "STAY HUMAN"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOUIS, WE HAVE AN AMAZING LINEUP
ON THE SHOW.
WE HAVE SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK TONIGHT FROM THE GREAT STATE OF
GEORGIA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WE HAVE OUR FRIEND BRYAN
CRANSTON IS GOING TO BE HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING WITH
BRYAN CRANSTON.
IT'S THE EIGHTH TIME HE'S BEEN ON THE SHOW.
TWO MORE AND HE GETS TO KEEP THE MUG.
YOU'VE GOT TO EARN IT.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME,
RIGHT OVER THERE, FORMING THE DAY'S FINEST NEWS BRICKS INTO A
STUPA, AND SLOPING ROOFS WITH UPTURNED EDGES IN ACCORDANCE
WITH COSMIC MANDALA BELIEFS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS
10TH CENTURY DVARA-VATI PAGODA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, FOLKS--
SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, I SCAVENGE THE
PLANKS FROM AN OLD LOADING PALETTE TO PROP AGAINST A
DOWNED POWER LINE, COVER IT ALL WITH A STOLEN CONSTRUCTION TARP
AND COWER UNDER THE STAINED VAGRANT'S LEAN-TO OF NEWS THAT
IS MY SEGMENT: ♪♪
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: IT'S A SHOT OF ADRENALINE, STRAIGHT TO THE
HEART.
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, IN HER NEW
DOCUMENTARY, JENNIFER LOPEZ SAID THAT SHARING THE SUPER BOWL
HALFTIME SHOW WITH SHAKIRA WAS "THE WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD."
COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO THE ORIGINAL TAGLINE FOR "GIGLI."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, GREAT NEWS, DICKENS
COSPLAYERS: "DEADLY VICTORIAN DISEASES ARE ON THE RISE."
DUE TO "ANTI-VACCINE SENTIMENT," DOCTORS ARE SEEING THE RETURN OF
"WHOOPING COUGH, MEASLES, TYPHOID, SCARLET FEVER,
DIPHTHERIA, AND MUMPS."
THANKS, ANTI-VAXXERS.
REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING LAID UP WITH A CASE OF
BILIOUS DROPSY.
"SORRY I CAN'T MAKE YOUR WEDDING, MY AUNT 'DID HER OWN
RESEARCH' AND NOW I HAVE 'SCRIVENER'S AGUE.'
BUT MY BARBER IS LEECHING ME AS FAST AS HE CAN."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "NETFLIX HAS
GREEN-LIT 'SQUID GAME' SEASON TWO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GREAT!
COME ON, YEAH!
NOW THEY CAN FINALLY WIN...
ALL THE SQUID?
I NEVER FINISHED IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I SAW SOME...
GOT SAD.
GOODBYE.
MEANWHILE, YESTERDAY SAW THE SLOWEST HOME RUN PITCH IN MAJOR
LEAGUE BASEBALL HISTORY.
THE CHICAGO CUBS WERE DOWN 17-3 AGAINST THE YANKEES, AND AFTER
BURNING THROUGH FOUR PITCHERS, THE CUBS SAID "SCREW IT," AND
PUT IN FIRST BASEMAN FRANK SCHWINDEL, WHO THREW THIS
35 M.P.H. PITCH.
>> ROBERTS TRIED TO BRING IN POSITION PLAYER--
HIGH FLY BALL OF THE BAT OF HIGASHIOKA.
DID HE GET IT?
OH, HE GOT IT.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, I'M NO BASEBALL PLAYER...
AND NEITHER, APPARENTLY, IS FRANK SCHWINDEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF BRITISH SPORT, BECAUSE
"A MAN HAS WON THE POWYS RACE," "A RACE THAT PITS MAN AGAINST
HORSE OVER A 22.5-MILE COURSE IN LI-NERD-ID WELLS, POWYS, WALES."
IT IS SPELLED THAT WAY.
IT IS SPELLED THAT WAY UP THERE, BECAUSE
THE VERY FIRST EVENT WAS WON BY THE HORSE, AND ITS PRIZE WAS
NAMING THE TOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, TO CUT DOWN ON PUBLIC URINATION, THE BOSTON SUBWAY
SYSTEM IS PLACING URINE DETECTION SENSORS IN FOUR
DOWNTOWN ELEVATORS.
WOW!
THE BOSTON SUBWAY HAS ELEVATORS?
HERE IN NEW YORK WE JUST HAVE THESE PORTA POTTIES THAT MOVE UP
AND DOWN AND THEY'RE WHAT?
OH, MY GOD!
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THE ELEVATORS WERE
SELECTED BASED ON HOW OFTEN PEOPLE WERE PEAKING IN THE CABS.
IN BOSTON THEY CALL ELEVATORS CABS.
WHICH CAN BE CONFUSING FOR ALL THE RED SOX FANS PEEING IN
TAXIS.
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, HOT TREND ALERT!
THE NEW COOL THING IS CAVIAR BUMPS, IN WHICH A DOLLOP OF
THE FISH ROE IS EATEN-- NOT SNORTED-- OFF THE BACK OF ONE'S
HAND.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS A HOBBY THAT SAYS, "WHEN THE
REVOLUTION COMES, I WONDER WHICH WALL THEY'RE GOING TO LINE ME UP
AGAINST TO SHOOT."
ONE CAVIAR BUMP ENTHUSIAST SAID, "PEOPLE USED TO GET HIGH OFF OF
DRUGS.
NOW, WE'RE GETTING HIGH OFF THE FOOD."
CAVIAR IS THE NEW COCAINE.
GOING TO BE WEIRD FOR TEENS.
"DAD, I SWEAR, I'M JUST HOLDING THIS MOTHER-OF-PEARL SPOON FOR A
FRIEND!
I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THOSE BLINIS AND CREME FRAICHE
BEFORE."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN SEX INSURANCE
NEWS, "GEICO MIGHT HAVE TO PAY A WOMAN WHO GOT H.P.V. AFTER SEX
IN AN INSURED CAR."
WAS SHE CONFUSED ABOUT HOW INSURANCE WORKS?
"NO, BABY, WE DON'T NEED TO WEAR CONDOMS, I HAVE A COLLISION
LIABILITY WAIVER!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) GEICO IS APPEALING, BUT THE
WOMAN HAS ALREADY BEEN AWARDED $5.2 MILLION BECAUSE SHE SAID
SHE CONTRACTED A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE WHILE HAVING
SEX IN THE CAR OF A MAN WHO IS INSURED BY THE COMPANY.
MAN, YOU KNOW THE SEX IS GOOD WHEN, AFTER YOU'RE DONE, YOU
HAVE TO EXCHANGE INSURANCE INFORMATION.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS MORE THAN A
FENDER-BENDER.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, HEARTS ARE AFLUTTER
AFTER "CHRIS EVANS' BOSTON ACCENT SLIPPED OUT DURING AN
INTERVIEW, SPARKING THIRSTY INTERNET REACTIONS."
HERE'S A LISTEN: >> YOU GOT THE MUSTACHE WITHOUT
THE MUSTACHE-- >> AHH, WHAT DO YOU PREFER,
MUSTACHE OR NO MUSTACHE?
BE HONEST, BE HONEST.
>> STEPHEN: OOH, I WOULD TOTALLY DO IT WITH HIM IN A CAH PAHKED
IN HAHVAHD YAHD.
( APPLAUSE ) ESPECIALLY IF HE'S INSURED BY
THAT ( BLEEP ) AT GEICO.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRYAN CRANSTON.