You're in the right place. Are you ready for five powerful secrets that help to
teach children responsibility? That's what we're doing today.
I am a clinical psychologist and I'm a speech-language pathologist. We've spent our
whole careers working with kids and we've learned these powerful secrets. The last two that we share
with you will actually increase your energy. -The first secret to teaching your child responsibility
might seem a little strange. But it is that smiling is more powerful than yelling. -Yes it is, in fact,
yelling is what i call a parent trap. When we yell at our kids they respond immediately.
But the problem with yelling is that technically from a behavioral
psychology standpoint it's a reinforcer not a punishment. -And it also is sending the message,
I'm out of control. Which doesn't help. So, we go back to smiling. When you smile,
that sometimes the kids are thinking, "Wait, mom's smiling. What's going on?". It gets them thinking and
thinking is what we want. -Think not fight, that's one of the things that we teach in our parent
training. You want them to think not fight. You can encourage them to think by simply smiling. What
does it tell you if I say, "Hey, either way is okay with me", and I smile or if I say, "Any questions?".
Suddenly you have to go over you're like, "Should I have questions? What does dad know that
I don't?". -It causes some curiosity -And that's what we want, we want them to think not fight. Smiling
is more powerful than yelling, I said. -That's how they're going to get to responsibilities
by thinking. -Right exactly, and I said earlier that yelling is actually a reinforcer.
In behavioral psychology what that means is, it's more likely to increase a behavior than
it is to decrease a behavior and when we yell at our kids. We get fooled into thinking that
that's working because we get their attention, they respond right now. But the problem is for kids,
bad breath is better than no breath at all, and if they're doing it for attention and you're yelling
at them. You just reinforce the behavior that you yelled at them for. That's not what we want to do.
Keep that in mind, smiling is more powerful than yelling. Here's the next secret and this is for
you as parents but it's also for your kids. You want to share this with them. -Trying to give this
secret to them in a way. -All they really need to know is that every choice has a consequence.
Wait, is that true? -It's true and the better my choice the better my better my consequences.
When I say consequences. Remember, I'm coming from a behavioral psychology standpoint and a consequence
you look at the latin roots of that word. It means, with some sequence of events okay cone
sequence. There's a consequence, it's something that comes with or alongside of or after something else
and it can be positive, or it can be negative, it can be pleasant, it can be painful, they're all
consequences. What is the consequence of getting to bed on time? You feel rested, you get better sleep.
What is the consequence of staying up all night? Well, you feel tired and worn out and wiped out.
Okay those are both consequences. So every choice has a consequence. The better my choices the better
my consequences. Now, why is this the secret to teaching kids responsibility? -You know, as we try
to bring this to their understanding. Because really that's what we're kind we're doing
as parents. We're kind of illuminating truths form right. So if we help them see that
consequences are tied to your choices. Then as they mature, they're going to be able to go
"I'm going to make some better choices", and so they're learning responsibility right.
If they're constantly thinking that they can avoid consequences or of their choices
avoid those consequences. They're shirking responsibility as soon as they do that. So
we're trying to teach them responsibility. -This also gives you a fun little tool that you get
to use for your own parental sanity alright. I don't want you to feel like your hands are tight.
Here's what I mean, sometimes kids will come back with, "Hey, you didn't tell me that was gonna happen."
Right when you implement a consequence and my favorite response to that, "You're on to me",
and I smile right. Because I'm not gonna tell you every consequence that could possibly happen.
I want you to think it through and so, you don't have to feel like, "Well, I have to put my kids on
notice. Well, if you don't do this then that's going to happen or if you do that then this
is going to happen." All they need to know and all you need to do as a parent is establish this. Every
choice has a consequence. The better your choices the better your consequences and then throw in,
any questions? With a smile okay. Because then they're gonna think and that frees you up. You
don't have to tell them everything that's going to happen. In fact, that puts you in a
more powerful position as a parent. While we're simplifying things. Let's get to the next secret
which is that the kids only need to do two things. That's it. In fact, if I get a kid in my office
I pull them aside okay. The parents are there in the room and I say, "Come here,
I gotta tell you something. There's only two things you need to know. I'm gonna tell your
parents about four or five things they need to know. But all you need to know is two things.
Now, can you remember this?", and then I coach them through this. All you have to do is listen and
think that's it. That's all you have to do. You don't have to remember anything else.
Just listen and think. Because if you listen you're going to hear important information and then if
you think about that information you'll be able to make good decisions. Every choice
has a consequence. Better my choices better my consequences. If you listen and think you're good.
That's pretty cool and this is more for the parents okay this next part and we already
touched on this just briefly. To think not fight. -Right, well and to recognize that
for a parent and this really was an eye-opener when I finally got this is that, every interaction
I have with my child. I am inviting them to either think or fight. -Good point -And so, just be aware
that's how you're showing up. Are you inviting your child to think? That's going to help in foster
their sense of responsibility and growth of that. -One of the main reasons by the way Vicky that we
are encouraging all parents to find ways to get their children to listen without yelling.
When you yell at your child, what are you inviting them to do? -Fight -That's a fight,
see and it triggers a natural biological response that originates in the limbic system of the brain.
You have one too, it's called the fight or flight response and if you feel threatened.
Trigger chemicals going through your bloodstream and all your brain is telling you to do is fight.
So that's why yelling is so problematic. Smiling is more powerful than yelling. -Because it's inviting
thinking. -It invites thinking -Instead of fighting. -Yeah, it's a beautiful thing. -So parents are
probably best served if they spend their time and energy on consequences. Versus trying to make
sure their child cooperates. -I still remember bill who is a brilliant engineer and he also had a lot
of technical skills like welding was one of his skills and he had five kids okay. Ranging from age
13 down to three or something like that. Mom was a working mom and he was taking care of a lot of the
home front at the time and I remember as I was talking to bill about this he says,
"I get so frustrated with my kids and we end up spending hours in conflict and fighting." What if
we could take half just half of the time we spend arguing or in conflict with our kids thinking.
Thinking about consequences that we can implement without their cooperation. -Yeah,
that's the thing is we need to put our energy into those consequences that don't
require the child's cooperation. We have full control of that. -Yes, so bill figured it out. He was
they were arguing about screen time and the use of the television the computer and everything else.
He's a welder, did I mention that? So he started thinking and he spent just a little bit of time
not even a lot. He spent a little time thinking and planning out how he could make
a steel locking box that has a power strip inside of it and long story short.
He developed a consequence that he didn't need the kids cooperation for. He could turn it off, lock
it, turn it on, lock it. Whatever he wanted to do. Thinking, who to know? You can come up with some
brilliant things. Please spend at least half of the time that you have spent arguing with your kids
on thinking and you'll come up with some brilliant things. If you're struggling with that
use your resources. Google it, you go back we got some here. Find some ways to
move yourself forward with thinking not fighting, that's powerful. We've got more to cover but while
you're thinking about it. You've got friends, other parents, who could really use this. Will you take a
moment to share this video with them and hit that subscribe button if you haven't already.
Can you see how that last one is going to increase your energy. We're going to give at least half
of it back to you and what if you just give up fighting with your kids altogether. Well then,
you can use all of that time thinking, and just being the brilliant person that you are.
There's more to it. Here's another thing that will will absolutely bring the energy back to you as
a parent. Let me set this up okay, who should be worrying about what your kids are doing and if
I give you a multiple-choice, should that be (A) your kids or (B) you. Which one would you prefer?
-We definitely want to shift that responsibility over to our children for their choices and the
consequences that go with the choices. -Absolutely, and this means that the skill we get to develop
is to detach from the outcomes. -Now how does this teach responsibility to our child?
-Whoever is the most worried about the outcomes is the one who's going to take responsibility for it,
and if you've noticed that you tend to be the one taking responsibility for
the outcomes all the time. Like for example, if you're constantly reminding your child
to do their chores or their schoolwork or whatever. Reminding, we call it reminding, they call it naggie.
You're riding, me you're nagging me. What does that indicate about who's the most concerned
about the outcomes? Obviously, it's you and in in child and adolescent psychology they're
constantly going through this little evaluation in their mind. Should I worry about this or should
I let somebody else worry about this? Oh, that wins hands down because that requires less of my energy.
We're going to play the same game. Should I worry about this as a parent? Should I let my child worry
about this? -And I think sometimes we're so worried. We want to save them from their consequences.
That we kind of jump in and do things. But remember, we're trying to teach them
responsibility and so one of the greatest things that we can do is honor their choice.
I have parents all the time who tell me. But if I let them be responsible for it, it won't happen,
-And then, there is a consequence tied to that and we're going to honor their choice and let them
have that consequence. -Let the consequences and empathy do the teaching. That's the powerful things.
Where you're detached from the outcome? Hey either way, -I honor your choice. -So imagine that position.
Here you are, you can do the thing I asked you to do or not. Either way, it's really okay with me
and then you smile. Because that triggers their thinking and then they're like, "Wait
a minute hold on. What consequences are going to happen as a result of my choosing this or that?".
And if you're detached from it as a parent, they get to be attached to it and they take
ownership which is responsibility. That's how we're going to teach it.
Hopefully, you found that helpful. There's more helpful resources available for you.
In fact, we've got a gift. We've got a free parenting web class. Click on this next
video which will explain all about that and the things that you're going to get from that course.