- Isn't this just wonderful?
All you youngsters getting together to tell naughty jokes.
(audience laughing) - For the love of God,
will someone please punch me in the face
so I can see some stars.
(audience laughing) - I say this with humility,
comedy needs me!
(audience laughing) (explosion blasting)
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)
- Comedy legend, Joan Rivers.
(audience clapping and cheering)
- [All] (chanting) Chug, chug, chug, chug,
(rhythmic clapping) chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug!
(glass shattering) (audience cheering)
(audience clapping)
(hand slapping)
(audience exclaiming and laughing)
- Bitch! - I was kidding!
I was kidding, ow! - Bitch!
- Ow, ow! - (beep) you!
- I wanna coupon to your God damned
plastic surgeon. - Oh yeah, shut up.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping and cheering)
I know this must be a roast, hello, ha-ha,
but let me just tell you something, I am disgusted
and I am appalled by what I have witnessed here tonight.
I have been a comic for more than 40 years, 40 years,
yes. (audience clapping)
And after hearing the filth
that came out of your disgusting, filthy mouths,
I am embarrassed for my profession.
I respect my craft, and tonight I watch all of you defile it
with vulgarity; you took a comedy legend
and you destroyed this poor son of a bitch.
(audience laughing)
Can you hear that, Carl?!
You used to work clean, do you remember that at all?
What'd you say tonight? (beep)?
You said "shit," you said (beep).
You never said that your routines,
you saved that for home when the synagogue called for money.
I'm so sick of this!
(audience laughing and clapping)
I'm ashamed!
And Kathy Griffin.
You know what you are, darling? You are a thief.
Yes, you stole my act, you stole my gaze
and you stole the face of the Burger King;
I am not happy with this. (audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Who else do I wanna talk a- Robin.
You were supposed to bring class,
that's why we booked you.
Oh my God, what you said was so true Gilbert,
about the father- oh, oh!
When you do the "Howard Stern Show,"
every time there's a break, she goes,
(whining) "Oh, my father molested me,
my father molested me."
Take a good look at yourself, darling,
let me tell you something here; you should be thrilled
that that man paid any attention at all.
(Robin and audience laughing)
I saw you naked backstage, bitch,
you look like a (beep) mudslide;
(audience laughing) I don't even talk about you.
I don't know why I'm here.
Which brings me to Brad Garrett.
You have the nerve to criticize me?
The only thing lower than your show's ratings
are Carl Reiner's balls, show 'em Carl.
(audience laughing)
Wake him up!
And now I guess I have to talk about you, honey.
- Oh!
- Who the (beep) are you?
(audience laughing)
Whitney came to me all sweet,
"I want your advice, I'm a young comedian and I want your-
(grunting) I'll give you advice.
I'll give you the same advice I gave to David Carradine;
hang in there.
(audience laughing and clapping)
And speaking of men in fishnets, I love that transition,
what am I gonna say to you, Mario? Welcome to the dais.
Dorothy, you're not in Ken's ass anymore,
you're in the big-time.
You took a (blank) last week and Rock Hudson came out.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Who's left?
Greg?
When they said to me,
"Greg Geraldo is gonna be on the show."
I said, "Who the (beep) is Greg Geraldo?"
And then I thought, "This is wrong."
And I went and I Googled you and you know what Google said?
"Who the (beep) is Greg Geraldo?"
(audience laughing and clapping)
But I thank you for coming.
Which brings us to Gilbert Gottfried.
I am a 76-year-old woman,
I sat there- I haven't got that (beep) much time left;
your set was longer than Bernie Madoff's prison sentence.
I mean, on- (yipping)
(audience laughing)
Open your (beep) eyes, the audience is leaving,
you ass(blank).
(audience laughing) (Joan yipping)
Sick of you.
(audience clapping and cheering)
You are loud, you are obnoxious,
you make me ashamed to be Jewish,
I have become a Jew-hater tonight.
Do you know what I'm gonna do?
Do you know what I'm gonna do when I leave here?
I am gonna go to Malibu
and I'm gonna give Mel Gibson a (beep)job,
(audience cheering) that's how much I hate you.
(audience clapping) That's how much I hate you.
I was going to make an announcement tonight
that I was going to retire; this was going to be it for me.
I wanted to spend my golden years
with my wonderful daughter, Melissa,
my beloved grandson, Copper- Cooper.
(audience laughing)
I was just gonna sit back.
But after tonight's show,
no, no, I cannot leave comedy in the hands
of these untalented people, no.
Comedy, and I say this with humility,
comedy needs me!
(audience cheering wildly) Comedy needs me, yes!
Yes.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Down! Down.
Comedy needs Joan Rivers.
And even more than comedy, and I say this,
America needs Joan Rivers.
(audience cheering) Yes,
American needs Joan R- will you cue the (beep) flag please?
(patriotic music) Thank you.
American needs Joan Rivers,
and that is why, tonight, I swear to you,
I am going to keep comedy forever going in this country.
I will not retire, do you understand me?
I plan to be around for the next hundred years.
Just like herpes, when your least expect it,
I will be there.
As long as there are body parts, I will be there.
I will get arms, I will get legs,
these already are Chastity Bono's breasts.
I am gonna be there.
Take a good look at this face, America.
Gimme a close up.
Not that close, get back you (beep)hole.
(audience laughing)
This, this is the face of comedy,
and just like our flag behind me,
this face has been battered.
This face has been burnt, this face has been spat on,
but I am proud to say, just like our flag in it's lifetime,
this face also has had 50 stars on it.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Come on, Carl, let's go home.
Do you remember where you live?
Thank you all and God bless America!
(audience cheering) And Good night!
- Miss Betty White, ladies and gentlemen.
(Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive" playing)
(audience clapping)
(Betty laughing)
(audience cheering wildly)
- Oh!
Thank you so very much and good night.
(audience laughing)
Oh Jason Alexander, you are such a treat.
You know, I was expecting you to be just dreadful.
(audience laughing)
Well, in all fairness,
I was basing that on everything you've ever done.
(audience laughing)
But isn't this just wonderful?
All you youngsters getting together to tell naughty jokes.
(audience laughing)
It's like the great roasts I went to in the good ol' days.
Of course, you wouldn't have been allowed in,
Nichelle, sorry.
(audience exclaiming and laughing)
Oh, we had our fun. (laughing)
You know, I've been a huge Trekkie
ever since the show first aired
and that's why I'm so thrilled
to see Nichelle and George Takei here tonight,
because let's face it, we all know Shatner's nuts,
but George has actually tasted them.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Oh, it always makes me laugh
when I see Artie Lange on stage, (laughing)
knowing I'm gonna outlive him.
(audience laughing)
Oh, no no, no.
Oh, but you know who I love?
Look at that Patton Oswald, so adorable;
he's like a plump little troll.
(audience laughing)
Backstage, I caught him going up on Farrah Fawcett.
(audience laughing)
Oh Farrah, you know I don't mean any of this, you know that.
I feel such a special connection to you, Farrah;
I'm in my eighties and that's the last decade you mattered.
(audience laughing)
And who else is here tonight?
Where's Spock? And James Spader?
And Bones and Scottie and...
Oh Bill, all your friends are either dead or they hate you.
(audience laughing)
To be fair, I'm a little of column A
and a little of column B.
(audience laughing)
But you look great.
You know, they make 1% milk now.
(audience laughing)
Darling, you were supposed to explore the galaxy,
(laughing) not fill it.
(audience laughing)
All joking aside, Bill can be quite a charmer.
I'm not ashamed to say
that I once had sex with Bill Shatner.
(audience clapping and cheering)
(audience laughing)
Oh, you should've seen him sweating and grunting
and so red in the face and wheezing. (laughing)
Finally I said, "Bill, you better hurry up and finish,
in two minutes they're gonna start the roast."
(audience laughing and clapping)
Of course I'm still joking, Bill is a happily married man.
I caught the bouquet at Bill's wedding,
and I hope I'm still around to catch the cockring at Sulu's.
(audience laughing)
Bill, the truth is, I dearly love you.
I've always admired you as an actor,
I think you're funny and smart and kind,
and I was so excited when I found out
I'd be working with you on "Boston Legal."
Til I worked with you on "Boston Legal."
(audience laughing) Good night!
(audience clapping and cheering)
- Please welcome, Cloris Leachman.
(upbeat jazz music)
(audience clapping and cheering)
- I am not here to roast Bob Saget.
I'm here to fuck John Stamos.
(audience laughing and cheering wildly)
Stamos, you shouldn't talk so much,
your mouth is canceling out all the hard work
your ass is doing.
(audience laughing)
If you play your cards right,
I'll do something no woman has ever done to you;
put you in the movies.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Does any one of you actually know who I am?
I was on "The Mary Tyler Moore" show.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Total slut, by the way.
(audience laughing)
She taught me everything I know.
Here's something you don't know about Mary;
when she had an orgasm, she threw her hat in the air.
(audience laughing)
I don't know who any of you people is,
maybe that's 'cause I watch TV and go to the movies
and read the trades.
(audience laughing and cheering)
I have vibrators older than most of you;
the difference is my vibrator's still work.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Which one of you fellows is Susie Essman?
(audience laughing and clapping)
Normie McDonald?
I've never met you before,
but I want you to know I'm carrying mace.
(audience laughing)
Norm can't stay much longer,
he has to get his suit back to his father's coffin.
(audience laughing and cheering)
I'm an academy award winner,
for the love of God will someone please punch me in the face
so I can see some stars.
(audience laughing and cheering)
I can't believe I shaved for this.
(audience laughing)
I mean, what am I even doing here?
Who cares about Bob Saget?
(audience laughing)
I was giving reach arounds to Jack Benny
before you were born.
(audience laughing)
And that man had timing.
(audience laughing)
I was actually offered a role on "Full House,"
I turned it down 'cause I wanted to focus on comedy.
(audience laughing)
I'm glad I got out of sitcoms before you killed them.
(audience laughing)
You didn't just kill sitcoms,
you raped them and left them for dead in a ditch.
(audience laughing)
Just like I did with Gavin MacLeod in 1975.
(audience laughing)
And then again in 1978, that bald bitch.
(audience laughing)
Bob...
Dearest...
(Bob laughing)
I've seen some of your work, (laughing)
and you're not an actor; not one of you is.
I was classically trained in live theater,
I improvised; no script, no director,
just me and the donkey.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Five sold-out shows a night for six years
till the donkey died of exhaustion.
(audience laughing)
Then I was finally ready for Hollywood.
(audience laughing)
What have you nothing's done?
"My YouTube video has 400 hits."
(audience laughing and cheering)
Fuck a donkey then talk to me.
(audience laughing)
Now get up here, Stamos, let's see what you got.
(audience cheering wildly)
(rhythmic jazz music)