- You drop the case against my client,
and in return, I, Ari Shaffir, Esquire,
will agree to be the Holy Spirit's lawyer.
And the Holy Spirit was like, "Yeah, man, I'm in."
[laughter]
And that's how I started my law firm.
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and today all the stories are about karma.
[cheers and applause]
-
called "Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank."
Ari Shaffir! [cheers and applause]
- So, you guys, I'm going to do a story about karma.
This is when I first discovered what karma is,
'cause everyone uses the word "karma," you know?
Any time, like, something bad happens to you,
if someone laughs at you,
any time something bad happens to them,
you're like, "Yes. It's worked out in my favor.
Thank you, karma."
But I never really understood it until this moment.
I was just starting stand-up comedy.
It was, like, two years in.
I--okay, before I start, I should tell you this.
I don't know how--how many Jews are in here right now?
[scattered cheers] Okay, a few.
Jews never get excited. They just kind of--
You were like, "Uh, I don't know.
This is how it starts. No, thanks."
[laughter]
"You're not gonna trick me."
What if that's how the Holocaust started:
with, like, "Any Jews in here?"
Like, "Yeah!"
Be like, "Get him. Get him. Get her."
[laughter]
And then one Jew is in the bathroom.
Guy be like, "What did I miss?"
Like, "Shut up. You didn't miss anything.
Just fucking trust me. Shut up."
So I am a lot of people's Jewish friend,
and what that means is, they call me
when they have any questions about Jews.
Like, I'll get phone calls from my friends.
They're like, "Hey, Ari,
why are they walking around today?"
[laughter]
"It's Wednesday.
"I thought they only walk around on Saturday.
What's the deal?"
And you got to be like, "Oh, it's National Hut Day"
or "Sukkos" or whatever you guys want to call it.
But--you know, or they'll be like,
"What does C-h-c-h spell?"
I'm like, "You're not gonna be able to pronounce it."
They're like, "Is it chuh-chuh?"
I'm like, "No, it's not. It's not choo-choo.
It's... [guttural sounds]
And they're like, "Yeah,
I wouldn't have gotten that at all."
[laughter]
So I got this phone call one night from my friend
who's, like, a bigger comedian at the time.
I was just starting.
He was, like, a well-known, kind of a rich guy
who was, like, really famous.
And it doesn't matter who it is, but, like,
he called me one night, and he goes, "Ari!"
And I was like, "Yes?"
And he goes, "I need you to be my lawyer!"
And I'm like, "This is the most racist phone call
"I've ever gotten in my life.
We don't all just know how to do that."
And he was like, "I know, asshole.
I was--I just-- okay, here's what happened."
He was videotaping some guy.
It was the early days of video cameras, you know,
when you had to, like, have a lot of money
to afford one.
He had a ton of cash.
He did mixed martial arts commentary on the side.
And... [laughter]
And so he had money from that.
But then, um...
But then he was videotaping some crazy person.
I was like, "What? What are you talking about?"
He was like, "Listen, I was videotaping some guy."
And then right then, I got call waiting.
And I was like, "Wait, I'm getting call waiting right now."
And he just goes, "You're my lawyer!"
And then he hangs up.
And I was like, "All right.
Let's see what this call waiting's all about."
And I picked up the phone, and this guy on the other end
was like, "Hello, my name is Michael [bleep],
and are you Joe Rogan's-- or whoever, his lawyer?"
[laughter]
Uh... [laughs]
[applause]
And I was like, "Um, yes, I am.
That's right. Esquire."
And, uh... [laughter]
And he goes, "Okay, well, he was videotaping me.
I want him to delete the footage."
And he told me to contact his lawyer.
And I was like, "Okay, here we go."
It's my first case, and I wanted to win it.
[laughter]
Also, this guy thought that he was the Holy Spirit.
He goes, "I'm the Holy Spirit,
and I'm looking to sue this guy."
And I was like, "All right, well,
I ought to negotiate."
And I was able to use one thing that I knew
that he did not know, and I was like,
"Well, I'll use that to my advantage."
And that was that he was not the Holy Spirit.
[laughter]
That is not a real thing.
Even if it was a real thing, it wasn't this dude.
Anyway, so I was able to talk to him.
I talked to him, and I got to a truce,
and the way I was able to negotiate a truce was,
I told him, "Hey, how about this?
"You drop the case against my client,
"and in return, I, Ari Shaffir, Esquire,
"will agree to be the Holy Spirit's lawyer
in any cases he might have."
And the Holy Spirit was like, "Yeah, man, I'm in."
And that's how I started my law firm.
[laughter]
And he had so many cases, you guys.
He wanted to sue so many people.
He couldn't pay me. He was like, "I can't pay you."
I'm like, "Yeah, I know. Obviously.
"Like, that's not what this is all about.
"It's not a money-making scheme.
"It's just to entertain myself.
I'm an open-mic comic, and I'm bored."
He goes, "I'll tell you what, though.
I can't pay you, but in lieu of payment..."
And I was like, "Hmm? All right. What are you gonna say?"
And he goes, "When I become King of Kings..."
I was like, "Hold on. Hold on. Let me...
"Okay, go ahead. I'm ready now.
Hit me with the rest of that."
He goes, "When I become King of Kings,
"I will reward you
by letting you rule over all of Jerusalem."
I'm like, "Dude, I've never wanted to rule over anywhere
"as badly in my life
"as I want to rule over Jerusalem right now.
"I didn't even know I wanted it until right now.
"And I'll rule them all-- the Jews, the Palestinians.
They'll all bow before me!"
The power's already gone to my head.
Maybe I should wait.
Anyway, and I talked to him, like, every day for weeks.
Like, this went on.
He wanted to sue so many people, you guys.
He wanted to sue John Edwards.
Remember the psychic?
John--he wanted to sue him for being a false prophet.
For money.
He wanted money for that guy being a--
and I was like, "Why would you get the money for that?
"Like, let's say he is a false prophet.
Like, why do you cash in?"
And he was like, "'Cause I'm a real prophet,
and he's--it's hurting my business."
And I was like, "You know what?
"That works as a tactic. Absolutely.
We'll put in libel or something."
God, he wanted to sue people.
I talked to him so much,
and the weeks turned into months.
Like, I talked to him sometimes multiple times a day.
Probably 12, 13 times a week, I talked to him.
Keep in mind I talk to my parents
once every two weeks.
And I talked to the Holy Spirit 26 times
every time I talked in between my parents.
God, he wanted to sue people.
He always used big words around me too.
Like, he would talk to me, and he was like--
when he wanted to sue a new person,
he was like, "Henceforth, when I, um, shall take
the plaintiff into"--
And I'm like, "Dude, I'm the fake lawyer,
"not you, you know?
"You don't have to use big words.
That's on me."
God, he wanted to sue p-- he wanted sue--
I got him to give me power of attorney
over all his affairs too.
[crowd exclaims]
Yeah, I was like, "Dude,
I need you to say the words out loud."
I told him, "I'm recording it," and I--
it was all on, like, those cassette tapes.
I threw them out eventually. I wish I had those things.
But I was like, "I need you to say the words."
He goes, "Okay.
He goes, "I, Michael [bleep], the Holy Spirit,
hereby give Ari Shaffir power of attorney"--
I'm like, "Ah-ah!"
He goes, "Hereby give Ari Shaffir, Esquire,
power of attorney over all my affairs."
And I was like, "You did the right thing."
He wanted to sue so--and the months turned into years.
Like, this went on for, like, four years plus.
He wanted to sue to the San Diego State Hospital
for something to do with electroshock therapy.
He probably had a case on that one, to be honest.
[laughter]
Probably should have contacted a real lawyer on that last one.
The false prophet, he wasn't gonna go anywhere with,
but the electroshock, he had a legit case.
And after a while, I got bored of it.
But I told him-- like, at some point,
I was like, "I can't be your lawyer anymore."
And he was not happy about it.
He was like, "Why?
What about all the cases we're so close on?"
I'm like, "Well, you'd be surprised.
"We're not really that close on a lot of those cases.
"The law is a slow-moving beast.
"That's what we say around the water cooler...
over at the law firm I work at."
And he was mad.
He was like, "Well, if you're not gonna be my lawyer,
I'm not gonna pay you."
And I'm like, "Well, "this is all pro bono work.
You weren't paying me anyway."
He was like, "I promised you to be king
over all of Jerusalem."
I was like, "I know, and I'm sorry
"that that's gonna go away, but...
I'm gonna have to accept that in my life."
And he kept calling.
Eventually, I stopped taking his phone calls,
and the phone calls stopped after a while,
and then it was over.
And then, like, three months after that,
I got a letter in the mail,
and it was from the Better Business Bureau.
[laughter]
Yeah, they threatened to shut me down.
My firm that I built from the ground up!
Not in my America!
So I fought it...
[laughter]
The only way I knew how to fight
against a letter from the Better Business Bureau:
by not replying to the letter.
I was--I was legit scared for a while
until I realized that I don't have a law firm, so...
I'm just some guy in an apartment building.
You can't do anything to me.
And then the letters went away,
and I was off scot-free
until one day I get a knock at my door,
and it was some guy in a suit outside.
And when I see a guy in a suit at my door,
which has never happened, my first thought, obviously:
lottery.
[laughter]
And I was like, "How much did I win?"
He was like, "What?"
I'm like, "How much did I win?"
He was like, "Are--what's-- are you Ari Shaffir?"
And I go, "Yes."
And he handed me an envelope,
and he goes, "You've been served."
And I was like, "I've been served lottery winnings?"
He was like, "No, you're being sued."
And I was like, "Who's suing me?"
It was the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit went to a court
and figured out how to sue somebody,
and he sued me.
He sued me!
Guess how much he sued me for.
- 2,400!
- $2,400.
What an exact amount you suggested.
No, you didn't get it.
$2,400, that'd be a lot of money. No.
He sued me for $800 million.
[laughter]
Yeah, $800 million
was how much he sued me for.
So here's the deal, you guys.
I don't know if you know how the American legal system works.
But if somebody sues you, you have to reply,
or you just lose the case.
And I don't have $800 million.
I don't have any million dollars.
But I don't know how to reply to a lawsuit.
You'd think with all those years of training,
I would have picked up something,
but no, I did not.
So I had to find a lawyer.
I had to get a lawyer to help represent me.
So I call Rogan, and I was like,
"Remember the Holy Spirit?"
And he was like, "No."
And I'm like, "You don't remember him?"
He's like, "No. What are you talking about?"
"Remember, like, a long time ago,
"you called me one night and you said
"you needed me to be your lawyer
because you were videotaping some guy?"
And he was like, "Sort of.
I barely remember that."
And I was like, "Okay, well,
I've been representing him for the last half decade."
[laughter]
"And he's suing me now."
And he's like, "What? Why did you do that?"
I'm like, "A better question is, did I win your case?
And the answer is yes."
So I had to find another lawyer, and I had to hire her,
and she got it thrown out.
And the way she got it thrown out was,
one, it was written in Magic Marker,
which is not the standard ink type for a lawsuit.
And then she showed the judge that,
and she showed the judge that the original amount,
what he wanted to sue me for, was not $800 million.
The original amount was "all the riches in the world."
[laughter]
He legit wanted to sue me for all the riches in the world.
And the court clerk had to be like,
"That's not an amount.
You can't get all the riches in the world."
And they were like, "What does that mean to you?"
He's like, "Oh, 800 million."
So she got it thrown out with--with...
prejudice, thank you.
That sounds like a real lawyer.
You'd think I would have fucking remembered that one.
Yeah, which prejudice, which means
he can't ever sue me again.
"Also, do you want to countersue him," she said,
"For damages for putting you through this?"
And I was like, "What do you mean?"
She goes, "That's what karma is, you know?
"He can't, like, put you through this.
Now he's gonna have to go through his own thing."
And I was like, "Oh, no, karma's already...."
[laughter]
Like, I've never seen it as clearly
as I have right now.
But, like, it's done.
It already came and went back to where it was supposed to.
All right, that's my story, everybody.
Thank you very much, you guys.
♪