So, you want to build a better relationship with your daughter? I can
tell you right now, they've already taken the first and most important step is
asking the best question possible. Stay tuned. I'm going to walk you through my tips
with my 4 daughters how we build great relationships.
I am so passionate about this topic. I've got 4 amazing daughters and one
amazing son. And a lot of these things will cross over. But I want to talk
specifically it's you and me here. We're going to talk about the relationship
between our daughters. Not enough can be said about how... Everyone talks about how
the media is degrading and tearing women down, specifically. You'll hear about the
feminist movement and there's so many different messages that you're going to get
bombarded with. And so many different messages that your teen girls or younger
or older are going to be bombarded with. So, these rules that I'm going to give you,
they cross all the age barriers and I hope you're doing it at every age.
Whether you have a brand-new baby or you have a full-grown adult woman that is
your daughter. These relationships are so important. And as women, we need these
bonds, we need these connections, we need to know that we have that foundational
piece. So, when the storms come and it gets really rough, you've got that
baseline of this amazing relationship with your daughter. So, let me just walk
you through some of the key pieces and key elements that I use in building my
relationship with my daughters. Probably the best tool that I have is the
individual one-on-one date night time that I set aside with each one of my
kids. The oldest child gets Monday night, the second one gets Tuesday night, the
third one and so on. And we just rotate through. And each one of those kids gets
an extra half hour with me every single time. That means, we are talking, we are
connecting. Maybe sometimes a watched movie together. My favorite thing to do
on those one-on-one date nights is to go on a walk together. Whether it's freezing
cold which honestly isn't my favorite but it's so worth it. Or whether it's in
the middle of the day or whether it's a sudden set hike. Whatever it happens to
be. There's something that happens psychologically in the rain when you're
going on a walk and you're distracted... You're not distracted, you're not looking
at your phones, you're not looking at screens or devices. When your brain has
that Syncrocity between your left and the right side of your brain. When you're
walking, it allows the two halves of your brain to communicate and talk to each
other. They're in that mode of balancing your body. And when you're
talking to someone, when you're going on a walk and talking
to someone, you also have that backing you up. Which means whatever they're
sharing with you is being worked on in both sides of your brain. The creative
and the logistical side, okay? It's really a beautiful place and a neutral
territory for you to be together. I don't care if the walk is 5 minutes, I don't
care if it's a half an hour or longer. But going on a walk or spending some
kind of date time with your daughter is going to build that relationship. Start
early. If you've got a brand-new baby, start that habit of taking that baby out
on a walk. Or spending some quality time with that brand-new child's that you can
get in the habit of it. So, by the time they're 13, it's already built into your
schedule and it's already something that they're used to and that you do on a
regular basis. You've probably heard this everywhere and I'm going to say it again
because it's worth saying. Limit the amount of screen time that your daughter
has on a regular basis. And it's not just because the screen is going to melt
their mind, is not just because the screen is going to damage their eyesight,
it's not just because of all of the physiological effects but think about
the messages that they're getting from the content, okay? They're getting
messages from mixed content, mixed reviews. And so, they're going to have mixed
messages about themselves. If you want your daughters to have a good positive
self-image, it's not going to come from mixed messages on a screen. It's going to
come from you reaffirming that to them. It's going to come from them being
surrounded by supportive peer groups and supportive adult groups and supportive
every group that they're a part of. So, if you limit the screen time in which that
can be influenced, then you have more influence over that time with your
daughter. Another important element to building a
great relationship with their daughter is to understand their personality. Now,
I'm going to recommend a book to you by the author Carol Tuttle and this book is all
about identifying your child's personality type. And there's a link to
in the comments called "the Child Whisperer." Now, this book was a game changer for me
as a parent. Parenting 5 kids with 5 different
personalities. I mean, if there's anything that comes close to a baby coming with a
manual, this is it, okay? This "Child Whisperer" is going to
help you identify what things are coming up in your child's personality that are
just part of who they are. And you can celebrate them rather than being annoyed
by them, okay? So, I'll give you an example. My oldest daughter does not fit within
the mold of your typical school system. She's not motivated by good grades, she's
not motivated by the standardized testing. She's motivated by being
creative and before I knew about this personality type. Not a flaw, just a type --
A personality type. I would get frustrated with her about her grades
because she didn't think they were important. Now, I've discovered that she
has a creative side, okay? She has an idea side. She's got the cogs constantly
turning in her brain and in formulating and she's an artist. That's what she
loves. So, now that I know that about her, I can say how could we make this fun? Fun
is important to you. I totally get that. Fun is important to you. This thing still
needs be done but how could I make it fun? How can make it cheerful and
exciting for you. So, instead of seeing all of these different personalities. Its
personality flaws just because they don't match yours, that's actually
hurting you, okay? Seeing things as personality flaws because they don't
match your personality hurts your relationship with your child. Understand
their personality. Not correct the personality. Understand it, get to know
what elements are key to them and important to them. And that way, when
tasks need to get done or jobs need to get done or fun needs to get done or
bonding needs to get done, you know how to approach it with your child in a way
that they understand it. Along with their personality, the child is going to have a
love language. Your daughter has a love language that is unique to her. Now,
when I say love language that's unique to her, I'm talking about a combination
of love languages. There's another book I want you to read, it's called "The Five
Love Languages for Kids" by Gary Chapman. There's a link to it in the comments.
This is going to talk about how people need to feel loved. There's 5 primary
ways that people need to feel loved that are outlined in the book. Now, each one of
us has a desire for all 5 of those buckets to be filled, right? But we
may lead out with a primary love language. Maybe you lead out with a
primary love language of gifts. And that's how you understand love.
Maybe you lead out with a primary love language of quality time and that's how
you understand love the best. Maybe your secondary as gifts. Once you understand
the combination for your daughter, you can express love to her. And even use a
term that I have become familiar with called leverage,
maybe quality time gives her 90% of her love filled to the top. If you spent 5
minutes of quality time with her, she will filled 90% of her bucket. And then
you need filled another 10% with words of affirmation or maybe a gift, okay?
Maybe that combination doesn't work for your other daughter. Maybe spending 5
minutes of quality time will only feel 5% of her bucket. Knowing that primary
love language is really important, it's going to help you connect with your
daughter at a deeper level. Last but not least, celebrate their successes.
Especially when it comes time to make a correction. There's a phrase that I've
heard over and over and it's called "Connect before you correct", okay? Yes,
corrections need to made. Yes, in order to be a good parent, you need to help guide
them down the path that you feel like is the best for them and allow them to make
mistakes and decisions along the way. But you need to be their parent, okay?
Sometimes you can play the part of best friend but that's not your job. Your job
is to be their parent and part of your job as your daughter's parent is to
celebrate her. Celebrate her successes, celebrate what she does well. And when I
say that, I'm not talking about generic things. If your daughter comes to you
with a picture, you don't just say, "Oh, that's a pretty picture or you did such
a good job or you are a good girl." No, no. Look at the success of it. Say, "I love how
you use these color shapes here. I love how you informulated this texture in
here. I love how you did all of..." Whatever use specific things, share with your
daughter the specific, the successes that you like. That you're proud of. Take a
moment to notice them and celebrate all the successes both big and small because
every single one will make a difference. Hey, thanks for watching today's video.
Now, go out there and do something fun with your girls,
okay? Before you leave though, hit the subscribe button, so I can send you my
next video tomorrow. I'll see you then.