-Hi, in this video, I'm going to share how to touch him
in a way that lowers his walls and inspires his love.
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Hi, ladies, it's Matt Shafer,
your empowerment, connection, and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who has committed his life to supporting you
in creating the fun, fulfilling,
dynamic connections and relationships with men
that you are so worthy of.
This is such a big topic,
how to touch a man in a way that's truly meaningful for him
in a way that's going to entice him and activate him
to really open his heart to you.
This is stuff I work with my clients and my students on all the time,
and I am stoked to dive into it.
Before we do, take a second, hit that little Subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training
that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
Be sure to let us know in the comments
what are your favorite ways to touch a man.
What are your ways that you use physical connection to activate him,
to inspire him?
Let's start a conversation in the comments.
That's where so much of the magic happens.
I want to start off by asking the question,
why is touch so important to building a healthy relationship?
It's not for the reason you might think
because, for so many people, touch is just a gateway,
it's just a mechanism to initiate sex.
I know for a lot of folks out there, that's how touch ends up being used.
I want you to think of touch in a different way.
I want you to think of touch as a beautiful form of communication.
It's a language.
When we master it,
we can really deepen intimacy and deepen connection with our partners.
This is especially important for you to know, ladies,
because ladies, for almost all men out there,
we give and receive emotional expression primarily through touch.
This is very different from women
for whom words of affirmation are the primary love language.
Being acknowledged, being vulnerably shared with verbally.
For almost all men, touch is our primary love language.
If you want a man to feel the way you want him to feel,
learn how to touch him the way he loves to be touched.
Be sure to watch this video all the way through
because after I go through all of our tips,
I'm going to share the biggest touch mistake
I see women make time and time again and how to avoid it.
The number one way, the first way to use touch
in a way that will lower a man's walls and open his heart
is to use it as a form of encouragement and an expression of attraction.
In other words, ladies, touch is a great way to encourage a man.
Let him know he's doing a great job.
Let him know that you're attracted to him.
Let him know that you would like more of whatever he is giving to you.
This is especially important in the early stages of dating
because you're not going to use a lot of overt interest language
when you're first getting to know somebody.
"Hi, I just want you to know I'm having so much fun tonight,
and I think that you're really attractive.
I'm really attracted to you.
I just thought it was really important for you to know that."
No, that is putting way too many of your chips on the table.
It's being a little bit too forward.
By using touch as an invitation, you can activate him powerfully.
This can look so many different ways.
One way would be just to take his hand for just a second
when you're talking to him on a first date, and then release it.
If you're sitting next to each other at a crowded bar,
just allowing your leg to rest against his leg
while you're sitting next to each other, and don't pull it away.
That sustained contact,
even if it's just a tiny little bit of your knee,
is a huge green flag for a man, and it's extremely activating.
I guarantee you in his head, he's thinking,
"Oh my gosh, she's not pulling her leg away.
I think I got a shot."
Get creative with this.
How can you casually touch him in a way that's indicating interest
and really getting him to lower his walls and encouraging him to move forward?
Can you touch his waist as you walk by him?
There's a million different ways it can look.
I invite you to play with that
in the early stages of getting to know a guy
or even, later on, casual physical touch like this
is deeply appreciated by men at every stage of dating.
The second way to use touch to lower man's walls
and connect with his heart is as a tool to create safety and trust.
This is so important, ladies
because when a man is out in the world,
when he's out in his job, in his career, his walls are up by necessity.
He's at war, and whatever his profession is,
whatever his career is,
he cannot trust, a lot of times, the people that he's dealing with.
Either he's trying to get their money, they're trying to get his money.
He's on a job site.
He's dealing with different situations and different dynamics
and he has to protect himself.
He's in warrior mode.
Then when he gets home, you have an incredible superpower,
through the way that you touch him,
to get him to soften and to put down those walls,
to put down that sword and shield
and be able to start to trust you and connect with you emotionally.
Again, the best way to get a man to soften up after a long day of work
is not to tell him to relax.
That's the equivalent of a man telling you to calm down?
How does that work?
Not very, right?
Nope.
The magic way to do this is through the way that you touch him.
One of the first ways to create this safety and trust
is through just a long tender hug once he comes in the door from work.
Right as he's entering that new space
and he's transitioning back into the home environment,
if you give him a long full-body soulful hug,
that's going to drop him out of his head and into his body.
Let me be clear that I mean a full-body, all-in hug,
not one of those quick little, "Love you, honey," hugs,
or even worse, the dreaded side hug.
Nobody wants those.
Those are not going to establish trust,
and they're not going to create that full-body connection
that's needed for a man to really drop out of his head and drop into his body.
Another way to use touch to create safety and trust
is by simply holding him and petting him.
The back of a man's head, his scalp, all of that is a huge erogenous zone.
It's incredibly sensitive to men.
It is not masculine for you to hold him, it's actually extremely nurturing.
It's a way for a man to really feel safe with you emotionally.
Think about it.
You can be a safe container for a man
to realize that maybe for the first time all day,
he doesn't have to do anything, he can just be, he can truly just relax.
When you do these things,
you can be a safe container
for a man to realize that maybe for the first time all day,
he doesn't have to do anything.
He can just receive and surrender to you.
It's going to work out a lot better if you just do that to him physically
than you tell him to just surrender to you.
It's not about verbally commanding him to do stuff,
it's allowing your physicality and your touch
to give him permission to do so.
When do we use touch to create safety and trust?
Well, as I mentioned earlier, right as he walks in the door,
or right after he enters the house
is a perfect time to give him that warm hug,
to transition him from work mode into home mode.
One of the best times for you to hold him
and for you to caress him and pet him is actually a very underutilized time.
It's that TV time,
it's that wind-down time at the end of the day.
How often do you and your partner or the people that you know,
when they get ready to sit down and watch TV,
the wife will get on the couch
and the guy will get in the recliner or in some chair,
and there are oceans between them.
That is a wasted opportunity.
Use that TV time, use that movie night,
use that movie time as an opportunity to cuddle.
It can look two different ways.
If maybe he's in a position where you feel like needs support,
or he needs that safety and trust established for him,
then you can hold him.
You can pet him and caress him.
I guarantee you, once he softens up to it, he will love it.
On the other side of it, if you feel like he needs some empowerment
and you want that safety and support, ask him to hold you.
Put your head on his chest.
Allow him to wrap his arms around you.
I know that I find that extremely activating with my girlfriend
when she just comes and puts her head on my chest
and she just allows me to wrap her up and hold her like that.
That's a very activating, polarizing experience for me as a man.
It's very hot for most men.
Allow a man to hold you and be that container for you physically.
That's going to shift his energy as well.
The third way to use touch as a way to lower a man's walls
is to use touch as healing.
How do we do this?
Well, for so many of us out there,
we have a lot of judgments and a lot of trauma
around physical intimacy, around physical touch.
Your partner, he may have a lot of resistance.
He may even get triggered by physical touch.
What an incredible opportunity that is.
Because our triggers are our guides for where healing can take place.
Maybe your partner has resistance to touch
because he's decided that touch is a form of weakness
or even that touch is dangerous.
If he is in that situation, if he will not let you touch him,
or if he's got a lot of strong negative feelings around touch,
it's up to you to ask him powerful questions
to get to the bottom of where that came from.
Maybe he had a father or mother who never touched him as a child,
and he received no physical affection, or he received physical trauma.
He may have been abused by a parent or by someone in his life.
If you could ask him questions and getting him to open up
about what his relationship with touch is and where that came from,
then you can be a safe space for him to let that out
and begin that healing process, which is incredibly valuable to him.
It will also open the door for you all to create a new understanding
and a new relationship with touch in his own life.
It's also powerful to look at this within yourself.
What judgments do you have around physical touch?
Do you have a story that physical touch always needs to lead to sex,
or that physical touch isn't safe,
or that things have to go a certain way or else they're dangerous?
Where did that come from?
As we release our judgments around physical touch,
because physical touch fundamentally, it doesn't have to lead to sex.
Like we said at the beginning of this show, it all is a language.
It's a way of communicating.
It's a way of deepening connection.
One of the deepest ways we can create more powerful connections with each other
is by using touch as a way of identifying each other's triggers
and allow ourselves to heal those wounds.
Sharing that with your partner and allow--
giving him a chance to help you work through that
will also be incredibly healing for you as well.
Now that we've looked at three ways
to use touch to get a man to lower his walls,
it's important to ask a question,
how do we learn how our man likes to be touched?
This is very important.
It's a two-step process,
the first step is to, in a loving, inviting, and curious way, ask him.
Ask him how he likes to be touched.
This is a great pillow-talk conversation.
This is a great thing to talk about
if you're flirting with him over text message
and start being curious
and just being like, "How have you liked in the past to be touched?"
Just get him to open up about it.
It is really, really powerful.
He'll probably say one or two or three places maybe,
or maybe he'll say something like, "Well, I don't know.
I've never really thought about it."
Which is a great opportunity for you to have another conversation with him.
The second step, and this is just as important,
is to explore and experiment on him by just touching him in different places.
Don't just assume that those one or two or three spots that he mentioned
are his only sweet spots, he probably has no idea.
There could be some magical spot on the inside of his elbow
that he has no idea about,
that the instant you touch it, boom, he melts into a puddle.
The only way you're going to find that spot is by just touching him,
teasing him, and just being curious and being opened.
I guarantee you you'll find more spots that he didn't even know existed.
As you're touching him, be watching him.
Gauge his response.
Gauge his nonverbal communication, his moans, all that good stuff.
This creates a win-win for both of you,
because not only are you going to be discovering
all this new information about him and what he likes and doesn't like,
but also then he's going to feel that desire to reciprocate for you.
Most men love to reciprocate this sort of stuff.
He's going to want to touch you more
and explore you more and find more of your spots.
Everybody wins.
Now I want to share with you the biggest touch danger
that I've seen so many women do in their own lives
and I've experienced myself.
It's not knowing your partner's touch preferences
and just touching him,
assuming that you know what he likes or what he wants.
I want to share with you a story from my own life to illustrate that.
I was on a first date years ago with a woman that I was really into.
I was really emotionally engaged with this woman.
I was excited to get to know her and go on this journey with her.
She had planned this whole really cool date.
She wanted to play on the first date, which I thought was really neat.
We went up to this mountain top
and we had this whole beautiful picnic table set up,
and we're eating rum-soaked mangoes.
It's super romantic and we're making out under the moonlight,
and then all of a sudden on the first date,
she goes for a full-blown crotch grab.
She just goes for it.
I got to tell you, I was actually upset.
Not because I wasn't turned on,
but because I wasn't looking to escalate the connection with her at that moment.
I was looking forward to having a gradual process.
I was looking forward to the courtship.
When she just made a move from a bread basket, just out of that field,
it just was disappointing to me.
It actually emotionally divested me from the situation
and we ended up not going out very many more times.
This is just one of the dangers.
You think every man immediately wants to leap right to sex,
but if a man is becoming emotionally invested in you,
he's looking forward to the journey with you,
and he's in no rush to get there.
Don't assume that you know exactly what type of touch a man likes
or what he's in the mood for, ask him.
Create that open dialogue
and learn to understand exactly the way he likes to be touched.
To recap, ladies,
touch is the most powerful tool you have to get a man to lower his walls
and open his heart to you.
The first way to do that
is to use touch as a form of encouragement and an expression of attraction,
casual, physical touch, especially in the early stages of dating,
is a great way to express interest without being overt or masculine
or just giving him the farm right off the bat.
Use it.
The second way is to use touch to create safety and trust.
You can non-verbally be an emotional sanctuary for him
by holding him as he walks in the door,
by caressing him and petting him while you're on the couch together.
Don't allow there to be a ton of space between you,
especially if he's had a rough day.
Put yourself in a position to be that emotional sanctuary
through physical connection.
The third way is to use touch as healing.
Whatever judgments or triggers he may have coming up for him
around physical touch is an opportunity for you to ask questions,
be the conductor, and give him an opportunity to express
why he's got resistance around touch,
why he doesn't like being touched, or he has a hard time being close to you.
That can be the beginning of him being able to become aware of
and express some trauma that he's maybe been holding onto his whole life
that he can now get to release.
He will know that you were the catalyst for that
and he will definitely appreciate it.
Remember, ladies, to ask a man the way he likes to be touched.
Have you an open back and forth dialogue around physical intimacy,
but don't let it stop there.
Don't just take his word for it.
Explore his body, touch him in different ways,
and help him discover new places he likes to be touched
that he didn't even know existed.
Whatever you do,
do not just assume that you know what a man likes,
assume that you know how a man likes to be touched,
and just touch him that way,
especially when you're in the early stages of getting to know him.
As my story illustrates, every man has different preferences.
There are probably a lot of guys that would've loved to have been groped
on that mountain top on that first date, I wasn't one of them.
She sabotaged the connection
before it even had a chance to fully develop.
If you follow these tips,
you're going to have such better physical connections with men.
They're going to be much more open with you,
much more emotionally open with you, and you're going to have an amazing time.
Get out there and touch men in a beautiful way.
Before you do, take a second, hit that little Subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training
that's going to make a huge difference in your connections
and relationships with men.
Sound off in the comments.
I love to get this touch conversation going
because I know we got a lot of opinions and a lot of experiences on it.
Share the favorite touch experiences you've had with men,
the things that you know that are tried and true,
that are activating and heart-opening for the men in your life.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
I'll see you next time.
Bye-bye.
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