- When I toured the country and drove 12,000 miles
and interviewed America's greatest marriages,
literally hundreds of couples
who have been married over 40 years,
there was one quote that always stood out to me
and that is a couple who had been married 55 years
and one of 'em was a minister.
And he said, "Some people spell love L-O-V-E
but love should be spelled G-I-V-E."
It's about giving, that love isn't a feeling,
love is an action,
love is how you're giving to one another.
But what happens when you feel like you're overgiving
or what happens when you feel like it's not even,
like you're not receiving
and it's not reciprocated in the way that you would love?
How do you know if you're overgiving
to the point where it's detrimental to the relationship
and really detrimental to yourself?
That's what we're gonna be exploring today.
So we're gonna first talk
about three ways that you know if you're overgiving
that are signs that you might not be giving
from the right space that contribute to overgiving.
And then we'll set up
how do you actually receive in a way that's healthy?
How can you create a pattern in your relationship
where giving and receiving is done freely and openly
and is bringing the two of you even closer together?
So the first question you want to ask yourself
in am I an overgiver in this relationship is this,
am I giving with strings attached?
See, so many of us in relationships,
what was modeled for us as in our parents,
or what we learned growing up
was that if you want to receive something,
you give it first.
And so you end up washing the dishes
and you're really hoping
that the next time the other person's gonna wash the dishes,
or you're giving a gift to the other person
hoping that they're gonna give back to you
or you plan a date really hoping
because you planned it this time,
they're gonna plan it next time.
In other words, you're giving with a scorecard
and in the back of your mind
you've got this scorecard of all the times
that you've given and the lack of giving that's coming back,
which leads me to the second question,
which is, have you asked for what it is that you want?
See, people aren't mind readers, men don't speak hint.
And so if you want something
and you haven't verbalized it yet,
the chances of you getting it are nil.
In fact, and my wife knows this and she practices this
and she had a good laugh earlier this week
because I came down
and we're getting the kids ready for school
and she's making breakfast
and I'm doing the girls' hair and we're packing lunches
and we're like, we're doing all this stuff.
And I came down and I was a little bit slower
to kind of get out the things that I normally get out.
And I was grabbing my protein drink,
I'd just come back from the gym
and I was getting that ready.
And I hear her over on the stove
let out this big sigh like (sighs)
and like, you know the sigh that I'm talking about,
it's like something's wrong with this.
Like this is frustration exiting her body.
And I said, "Are you frustrated about something?"
And I knew, I was like,
am I not doing something that I should be doing right now?
And she was like, "Yes,
I just thought that you would just jump in and help me
and grab the bowls right out of the counter
and grab this and that."
And she caught herself and she was like,
"And I'm frustrated with myself
because I'm not asking you for what I want."
She was like, "I know better.
I shouldn't just expect you to read my mind."
And I said, "What would you like?
Let me jump in."
And she described what she wanted
and I jumped in and helped.
But nobody's gonna read your mind.
If you want something,
you've gotta be willing to be direct and ask.
So have you asked for the things that you want
and the person's not giving those to you?
Or is this a symptom of not asking at all?
So in a moment
I'm gonna share with you a beautiful way to set yourself up
so there's a beautiful cycle of giving
and receiving in the relationship
but let's talk about this third sort of premise for giving
that can be destructive,
and that is giving
because it's trying to satiate an underlying fear.
And what that means is that you're giving
because you're scared if you don't,
the relationship's gonna dissolve.
So you overgive, you overcompensate
because there's a fear that the person's gonna leave
because ultimately you're not enough.
There's this internal belief that you're not enough
so you're compensating
and you're doing all this giving
and all this extra stuff for the person,
while the gift, the action, the service,
whatever it is that you're contributing
to the relationship is nice,
the energy that is coming with
is coming from a place of scarcity and fear begets fear,
scarcity begets scarcity.
It's a constrictive energy.
If you want the relationship to blossom,
you want it to expand,
you've gotta be coming
from this centered place of love.
Knowing that, look, if he's not the right person for you
and he wants to leave
because that you expect
there to be a reciprocal participation
in giving and receiving,
then that's not the right partner for you
if you're worried that that person's gonna leave.
The work is to be done on the inside,
you are worthy of love,
you are worthy of an equal partner
who's both going to be giving and receiving
in the relationship
'cause you're giving and receiving in the relationship.
So let me share with you three concepts
that can really foster a nice balance
of both giving in the relationship
because love is in the act of service and the act of giving
but it also opens up the channels for receiving
so your partner feels free to give back to you.
And the first concept is to know what you need,
know what you need, know what you want,
what's your level of self-awareness?
'Cause oftentimes we can kind of get into a habit
or a way of being
and you're just like, I just gotta get this done
and that done and this done and that done.
And you're not even aware that, gosh, you know what,
in this moment I could really use some help.
Or today I could really use somebody else doing this errand
or dropping this off or doing the dishes for me.
Knowing what you need or knowing what you really would love
and want is the first step
because at that point then you can make a clear request.
And so a great practice is to several times
throughout the days to take a nice deep breath in
and just check in with yourself and say,
"Hmm, what is it that I really need right now?"
Or "What is it that would really serve me right now?"
And then becoming aware of that.
And in fact, there's a great tool,
there's a game that you can get called GROK.
And GROK is a beautiful game that educates people
about their emotions and about their needs.
And it comes from this book on non-violent communication
which I absolutely love.
But this game called GROK,
if you want to know what is it that I need right now,
you want to get more in touch with that,
you want to get more familiar with what your needs might be,
what your wants might be, and what your emotions are,
get that game and you can begin to explore those.
And it makes you really crystal clear like, oh, this is,
I'm really needing some time away right now.
Like I'm really needing some cave time,
some time to just isolate and recuperate,
or, oh, I'm really needing connection right now.
Or oh, I'm really needing certainty right now
to kind of know what's going on.
You might find yourself stressed,
you don't even know why, and then you realize, oh,
I don't know what the next three days,
how the two of us are gonna connect in this relationship.
And you didn't even know
that that was a stressor in the background.
So becoming aware of your needs is a beautiful first step
and then being able to communicate and get those needs met.
Step number two
is to reframe your relationship with receiving.
Now, you may have a beautiful relationship with receiving,
there's no problem with receiving
and you're fully willing to receive if only you would give.
Or you might be the kind of person
where you were taught
to view receiving help, receiving support,
asking for help, asking for support as weakness,
as that you're not strong enough,
that you're not enough,
you're not smart enough or strong enough,
or you don't have it all together.
So because why else would you need support
or need to ask for help, when that's completely false.
In fact, the most successful people on the planet
are the best at empowering others to serve them.
Think about that for a moment.
The most successful people,
the most successful relationships
are ones that know how to communicate needs for one another
and allow themselves to be served.
They empower,
they believe in the capability of the other person
to say, no this person can get this done
and I'm willing to accept the help and support.
So reframing your relationship with receiving,
that it's not weakness
and it doesn't mean that you're not enough,
but it's actually a sign that you are an empowered
and empowering partner in this relationship.
And then step number three
is really the final step in this step
from that place of empowered energy
and from knowing what it is that you want,
then just to be direct and ask for what you would want.
And a great opening line is, would you be willing,
would you be willing to do this for me?
Hey, there's something that I would really love,
would you be willing to grab the bowl,
grab the plate, take out the garbage,
wash the dishes, whatever it is.
No, tell me what the plan is next week,
sit down so that we can have a planning meeting.
Or would you be willing to have a date night this weekend?
Whatever it is that you're needing,
to ask would you be willing?
Can you do this is an okay question
but it's a bit of a lower vibration question
'cause can you actually brings into question
the capability of the other person,
but would you be willing
is a much higher vibration question.
So get in touch with your needs and your wants,
be clear on those.
Reframe the relationship with receiving
so it feels as an empowered thing that you're doing.
And then be direct and ask for what you would want,
and you will notice very, very clearly
whether or not you are in the right relationship
because the right man is gonna respond to you
and is actually gonna feel joy in doing so.
The wrong man is gonna have no behavior change.
And so my question for you is how do you know
when you're overgiving in the relationship?
I'd love to hear your insights.
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below
and know this, I believe in you.
Thanks for watching and I'll see you soon.
(bright music)