- Simpsons, check. Family guy, you're next.
(makes beeping sounds)
- Last weeks flu scare got me thinking,
I don't know anything about my genetic make up
or what other illnesses I might be susceptible to.
- You know what's funny about this?
There's actually a genetic test for dogs.
I actually did it for Bear and Roxy,
turns out they are what we thought they were.
They are who we thought they were.
- So it made me wanna do a 23andMe genetic test.
- I think the one I did was called Embark.
- I'm predisposed to light caffeine, so true.
- That's such a problem with these genetic tests, oh my God.
Like so many of them will give you information
that is genetically accurate to some degree,
and then they tell you something that you cannot
practically act on at all.
You know, we have a higher likelihood that you
may live five years less than a normal person would.
Okay. What do I do with that?
What use is it to know that you are potentially
have a higher risk for Alzheimer's disease?
It's just like flexing.
The genetic people are like, 'Ah!"
- Phew, don't have the Alzheimer's gene, that's good.
- See, I knew it!
- And it says I don't have the Alzheimer's gene,
so that's good.
(laughs)
- How would you like to be a male nurse?
- Do I get to wear those green pajama clothes all day?
- Yes.
- AKA Scrubs, they're not pajamas
although they are kind of comfy like pajamas.
- Today I need you to observe surgery.
- Boo!
(knocks on glass)
Boo! My sister can attach ventricles better than you!
- Why are they attaching ventricles of the heart?
I'm so confused what surgery he was looking at.
I could have sworn the abdomen was open in that scene.
There are operating theaters
where you can watch operations be performed.
It's great for residents, fellows, even other doctors
that are trying to learn.
I don't think they let family members do that.
I have seen it in Grey's Anatomy,
but I've never seen it in real life,
it goes to show.
That looks like a weird ECG pattern.
Oh, flat line.
You know what we do?!
Chest compressions! chest compressions!
chest compressions! code blue!
(makes a whooping sound)
- Come on, you gotta live, goddammit.
I need you.
Okay. Those are not good chest compressions.
(punching sounds)
Okay. So ACLS, advanced cardiac life support,
would not tell you to punch a chicken in the face.
Just want to put that out for the record.
- What are you doing Peter?
- I'm making my own Red Bull.
Lois can't stop me from experiencing
the manic highs and lows my body demands.
- Kerosene?!
Why is he putting Kerosene in it?
Red Bull has a lot of stuff in it.
Like 80 milligrams of caffeine, Taurine.
If you want a caffeine boost, just have a cup of coffee.
It's more natural.
There's actually polyphenols in there
because it's plant-based.
Coffee beans are just better for your health,
at least our research shows that.
- That drink will kill you.
- Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger.
- I think he messed that one up.
- See Brian, I feel great.
- Peter? Peter, are you alive?
- Poison hotline stat!
By the way, did you know
that there's a nationwide poison hotline?
- All the toxic chemicals your husband ingested
from his homemade energy drink
have caused total kidney failure.
- Total kidney failure requires dialysis and quickly.
Where you essentially take the blood outside the body,
clean it and process it the way the kidneys do,
and put it back into the body.
- We'll put them on kidney transplant list,
but that could take months.
Until a donor is found,
he's gonna have to undergo dialysis treatments
three times a week.
- Dialysis? Is there any other way?
- What about me?
- What's the difference between a dog kidney
and a human kidney?
I have no idea.
I assume it's similar, but I feel like dog kidney's
might not last as long.
I don't know.
Bear, I would never harvest your organs.
I will not ever harvest your kidneys.
They are yours, and even if we are a match,
I will make sure you get to keep them.
Why are you so messy?
(Offline beeping sound)
- Chances are Peter never would have survived the surgery.
I mean dog kidneys?
I'm not even sure dogs have kidneys.
The dogs have kidneys?
- Yes.
- Ah, this? This is the guy.
(laughs and claps his hands)
- That's what I felt like!
- Maybe you put on a few pounds, sweetie.
- Lois, I weigh the same 293 pounds today
that I weighed in grade school.
- Perhaps it's this lump on the side of your neck, Sir.
- Oh!
- Oh my God, Peter--
- That does not look safe.
- Hoe long have you had that thing?
- I don't know.
- We got to go see Dr. Hartman right away.
- Quick differential diagnosis, Cushing syndrome,
Lipoma, soft tissue mass like a sarcoma.
Could it be a lymphoma?
And he has a swollen lymph node there?
I guess that's possible as well.
- No, you're stupid! Oh, hello, Griffins.
What can I help you with today?
- That should be a warning sign.
If you walk into a doctor's office
and they're just yelling at a patient, "You're stupid!"
- Dr. Hartman, Peter has a huge lump growing on his neck.
- Mrs. Griffin, that's called a head.
I've been fooled by that one before.
(laughs)
- Will you take a look at it?
I think it might be a tumor.
- Okay. Let's have a look.
It appears you have a subcutaneous vestigial twin
growing on your neck.
- Is he saying that it's a Teratoma just by touching it?
I mean, that's very impressive
that he was able to diagnose it,
so much so that it is not real.
- A Teratoma is basically a type of tumor
that has all sorts of different stem cells in it.
Where they start growing different cell lines,
Like hair, teeth, muscle.
You cut it open
and there's just like almost a twin in there.
It's crazy.
You can have human remains, almost.
- Now hold still, I'm just gonna give you
a little topical anesthetic and we'll have a closer look.
(Scoffs)
- What?
Ow, that would not,
you'd need injection anesthetic.
A little Lidocaine.
- Hi everybody!
(laughs)
- He did a skin flap though, that's impressive.
- Get Up, we're late.
- Oh, he does not look good.
He looks like he has anemia,
potentially some dehydration there.
Oh my God, Jaundice.
There's a little yellowing of the eyes.
- How did this happened?!
- It's from smoking.
- Oh!
- It's not that bad.
- Peter, you can't live like this.
I'm taking you to Dr. Hartman.
- No, I hate the doctor.
- Are you sure?
There are Cheez-It's in there.
- Cheez-It's?!
(laughs)
- It's like a vet visit.
I'm not gonna lie,
I have some patients that come in and I'm like,
"Oh, like when's the last time you went to a doctor?"
They're like, you know, three, four years.
Mostly because I hate going to see the doctor.
I hate doctors.
And I'm like,
(crickets chirping)
(makes a popping sound)
Hey.
- Mr. Griffin, I'm gonna need to ask you a few questions.
Do you think I can jump and touch that pipe up there?
(laughs)
- I don't know why, we always used to do that a kid.
Street signs, crosswalk signs, scaffolding's was always,
"Can you touch that? Do you think you can touch that?
Five bucks if I can touch that."
- Dr. Hartman, we're here for you
to help Peter quit smoking.
- Mrs Griffin, I can't do that.
It's an addiction.
- Well you gotta do something!
- Well we absolutely could do something about that.
Not only do we have behavioral treatment options for it,
but we have pharmaceutical options for it
including nicotine patches, oral medications.
All of them are not right for everybody.
And you have to do an individual discussion
with your doctor to figure out what's right for you.
And the first step of quitting is contemplating quitting.
I guess even before that is understanding
why quitting is important.
- But Dr. Hartman, why did he lose consciousness?
- Well, keeping in mind,
the recent behavioral changes you've described
I did a CAT scan.
- On a dog?
(Peter laughs)
- Oh, that's actually pretty funny.
A CAT scan on a dog.
God, we're such nerds.
- However, I'm sorry to inform you
that Brian has a brain tumor.
- Oh no.
(Family gasps)
- So doc, how much Jamba juice do I have to drink
to cure this?
I've also heard that crystals exist.
- He's been reading a little bit too much of goop.com.
- Do you think the brain tumor might explain
why Brian's been acting so odd lately?
- Hmm, I haven't heard of brains being linked to behavior,
but I suppose anything is possible.
Well, it says here Brian's tumor
is for office use only.
- Ugh, benign, it says benign.
- Tumors can either be described as benign or malignant,
malignant meaning that they're problematic.
They can spread, they can actually cause you to die.
Benign tumors, usually the only way
that they cause a problem is if they can turn malignant
or if they become big enough in size
where they exhibit mass effect.
Putting pressure on other structures,
causing them to malfunction.
- Is my father going to be okay?
- Is that House, M.D.?
- He's in a coma, Mrs Griffin.
- Oh, they got Gregory House for this, wow.
- Dr. House, if you're gonna save this patient,
you'll need this.
- Get this thing out of my sight!
- Wait, is that not even him?
Is that someone doing his voice really well?
- Wait a second, how you gonna play by the rules,
if you don't have the rule book, Oh!
- My methods are a little unorthodox, Mr. Griffin.
But I think I can help.
(Dr. House punches the patient)
- Oh!
- What are you doing?
- My job.
Sometimes people fake being in a coma,
this man's not unless of course,
the first punch knocked him out.
(laughs)
- He literally is the type of doctor that's like,
"All right, I think it could be this.
Let's poison the patient and see if they recover."
And I'm like, that's not really how you practice medicine.
- Sir, I think you should know
these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors.
(Popeye speaks gibberish)
- I just realized Popeye was not a healthy character.
Why are the forearms huge, and the biceps tiny?
And then second of all, what's with the pipe?
Is he always smoking cause that's not healthy,
no matter how much spinach you eat.
- And the speech thing and what you're doing with your eye.
Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.
- Oh my God.
(Popeye speaks gibberish again)
That would make sense because if you aren't able
to open your eye maybe a...
(high-pitched frequency plays)
God.
(Error beeping sound)
Bell's palsy!
God, I've lost my mind.
Maybe he has Bell's palsy.
- That you've managed
to be walking around all this time
is nothing short of a miracle.
(Popeye speaks gibberish)
- I'd say about two months.
- I'd say he should stop smoking.
He should go to the gym and meet with a physical therapist,
and figure out why he's lifting solely
with his forearms and not his upper body.
- You should get a vasectomy.
- First of all, I don't know what that is.
And second of all, no freaking way.
- Peter, it's the male equivalent
of a woman getting her tubes tied,
except it's actually a lot quicker and safer.
Let these guys explain.
(Upbeat Jazz music plays)
- It is, and some people say it's reversible,
but that's not really a good way to think about it.
While it can be reversed in some cases,
you should think of it as a permanent change.
(Upbeat Jazz music continues)
Excuse me! You still should be wearing a condom,
because of STI protections.
(wheezes)
Why did he say goodbye to manhood?
Like it prevents unwanted pregnancies.
What does manhood have to do with it?
All the incredible information
you need to know about underwear right here.
I said underwear.
Yeah, my underwear, your underwear.
We're talking about it.
Click here.
And as always, stay happy and healthy.
(Upbeat music plays)