Bowser.
King Koopa.
The authoritarian turtle with a penchant for princess-napping.
His very name strikes fear into the heart of man and mushroom alike.
And he’s also pretty good at figure skating.
But when you focus on Bowser’s many attempts to put the Mushroom Kingdom under his rule,
you might forget that to order fuel his violent vanity projects,
he must put hundreds of henchmen into harm’s way.
And by harm’s way, I mean in front of Mario.
But me?
I never forget the troops.
And today I’m honoring those who have put their lives on the line for a megalomaniacal turtle.
Today, I’m presenting you with Bowser’s military hierarchy.
I can’t go any further than that, I’m sorry.
“But Brian,” I hear you ask, “Why does Bowser need a military hierarchy?”
And folks, I hear you.
I hear your questions constantly.
They come to me in my dreams like a prophet receiving visions from an angry god.
Bowser needs a military hierarchy because of the Geneva Conventions.
Y’all remember those things?
Those little rules that keep you from committing war crimes?
Look, I know Bowser is a bad dude, but I don’t think that Nintendo would actively create
a war criminal and then allow him to sit in the backseat of a go-kart with a baby.
This is thanks to how we define armed conflict.
I read through the entirety of the Geneva Conventions in order to find this information,
which turned out to be unnecessary because there is a far more succinct definition in
a far shorter paper.
But do I regret reading the Geneva Conventions?
Of course not.
Knowledge is its own reward.
And could I really call this an Unraveled if I didn’t spend a whole day reading 224
pages of dense legalese for no good reason?
Of course I couldn’t.
Of course I couldn’t…
If Bowser wants to keep his armed conflict above board, we need to codify his aggressions.
So this means his henchmen need to follow a command structure.
One that is not at all clear cut in the games.
All we need is a list of Bowser’s troops.
That’s where this book comes in!
It’s The Super Mario Bros. Encyclopedia.
The official listing of everything you could ever want to know about the 17 games in the
main series of Super Mario Bros.
The main series are just the platformers, none of the RPGs or spin offs.
But the silver lining to this means that I can spend a different Unraveled talking about those games.
Because God has cursed me for my hubris, and my work is never finished.
Of the 17 in the main series, I’m gonna cut these three games, because they don’t
have Bowser as the main antagonist.
And I’m also gonna include Super Mario Odyssey, because that came out after this book was published.
That leaves us with 15 games and 226 enemies.
I came to this number because I cut out the variants.
I cut out all of the shadow versions of Mario, the minigame enemies, the enemies that are
just machines, and Bowser’s fursonas.
Because those should never be exposed to the horrors of war.
Now I need to figure out how to structure this hierarchy.
I asked myself, is there an analogous military that is somewhat bloated, often antagonistic,
and seems to be the only thing that the leadership cares about funding?
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any real life examples of this.
So I’m loosely basing it on the US military.
That means Bowser’s military **SMACK*** will be split up into branches based on which
henchmen work best together, and I’m also going to try to fit them alongside commissioned
officers and enlisted troops.
The standard command structure that’s found in most militaries.
Let’s start with the heads of state: Obviously, we have Bowser up at the top, the commander in chief.
His secretary of defense is gonna be Kamek,
with Kamella standing by as the National Security Council.
We’ve also got Bowser Jr. up here, but he’s not in a military role.
He’s actually Secretary of Transportation.
But that’s just pure nepotism.
The rest of Bowser’s henchmen are going to fit into this hierarchy, and I’m just
gonna say one henchman per rank, the one that epitomizes what that rank means.
And I’m gonna list the rest of the enemies on the screen.
Because I do want to save at least a little bit of paper.
Uh.
Obviously I don’t want to save paper that much.
*paper guilt*
Starting with our infantry, we have our enlisted ranks with Private Goomba.
This makes sense.
It is the basic troop.
Moving up a step to the corporal, we’ve got the Galoomba.
It’s more mature than the Goomba.
And also, its name has an extra syllable and is way more fun to yell.
Pat: Look at this Galoomba!
Brian: LOOK AT THIS GALOOMBA!
Chargin’ Chuck is a great pick for sergeant class, because this troop obviously enlisted
right after being their high school star quarterback and moved up through the ranks quickly.
And now that we’re up at warrant officer, the top of the enlisted ranks.
We’ve got, it’s just a tower of Goombas.
Kind of like the Naval Academy’s Herndon Monument, Goombas become stronger and work
together better when they’re standing on top of one another.
Moving our way up to the commissioned officers, we start out with officer cadet.
And that’s gonna be Twirlip.
It’s got the round, soft body of a day one ROTC recruit,
but there’s ambition in those eyes.
Second lieutenant, we’ve got the Snailicorn.
It’s the natural evolution from the officer cadet, but a bit more dangerous.
By the time you’ve reached First Lieutenant, you’ve really proved your mettle and are
ready to show your dedication to the cause.
And what better way to show your dedication than to be literally shot from a cannon.
By the time you reach captain, you need to have a top-down perspective.
And that's why the Pokey's height is great for this rank.
Also, the Pokey understands how to take calculated losses in stride, like having literally all
of their torso punched out from under them and still maintaining a smile.
Next we have Major Squizzard, and I’m gonna gloss over him, 'cause his name makes me uncomfortable.
For lieutenant colonel, I chose Wiggler, because they're able to maintain composure and only
release their aggression when it's absolutely necessary.
But quick shout out to Stairface Ogre, who is also a lieutenant colonel and sounds like
he could be a member of the Wu Tang Clan.
Next, we have Colonel Spike.
At the colonel rank, you’re not only dealing with wartime issues, but also the internal
politics of the military,
which is why Spike makes time to have a few rounds of tennis with the boss.
A Brigadier General needs an eye for detail and a strong guiding hand.
And that's literally all Knucklotec is.
Major Burrows really deserves the rank of major general because he has demonstrated
a powerful understanding of many strategies in many different battle arenas.
But more than that, he has this tender leadership quality that makes him not only respected,
but loved by his peers.
And then above him is a fucking T-Rex.
Unfortunately, even the military hierarchy is not insulated from nepotism.
And though no one would describe Petey Piranha as capable in literally any circumstance,
his father took a bullet for Bowser back in the Korean War, so now he’s a general.
And finally, we have our field marshall, the five-star general.
Obviously, this person is going to oversee every aspect of Bowser's infantry, and it
has to be filled with the most overpowered troop.
So it's Ukiki.
This shitheel of a monkey plays dumb, but he’s the Sun Tzu of Bowser’s army.
Listen to these quotes:
And that is the basic structure of Bowser’s infantry, though there are also three special
divisions of infantry units that are trained to fight in different conditions.
The Lava and the Ice divisions are still found under Field Marshal Ukiki and they don't have
any enlisted troops.
I won't talk too much about these two, but I think they are epitomized by the Bully for
the Lava group, and the Chill Bully for the ice group, who is exactly like the Bully,
except he'll kind of go easy on you if he can tell you're having a rough day.
And the third special unit in the infantry is the spectral unit, or the Dry Corps, because
not even death can excuse you from service in Bowser's army.
I do want to talk about the implications of this unit for a moment.
Specifically Dry Bones and Dry Bowser, whose naming conventions confuse and frighten me.
When I die, will I become Dry Brian?
Is a living Bowser...
Wet Bowser?
Why do Piranha Plant have bone in it?
Next we have our aquatic troops.
Where can you find pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science technology?
Um.
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true, on the land or on the sea?
*SINGING* IN THE NAVY!
I won’t overstay my welcome on the naval forces because we already understand what
each of the ranks in the hierarchy entail.
But I did just want to point out one troop.
The Gushen.
Because its name is the Gushen.
And I had to learn that its name was the Gushen.
And now you need to know that it's called a Gushen as well.
And of course, the admiral of the fleet is going to be Unagi.
Because Unagi is the most terrifying character ever rendered.
Get fucked, Mr. X.
Now on to the Air Force, we start with the Paragoomba at our lowest rank.
And honestly, we're gonna skip ahead to wing commander, because most of the Air Force is
just infantry but with wings attached.
Lakitu is our wing commander.
You might remember him as that helpful guy who picks you up in Mario Kart.
But he actually got his start in carpet bombing.
And it might seem redundant to have Klepto as the marshal of the Air Force.
But if there's one strategy that Bowser's military understands better than anything else,
it's stealing hats.
And these are the branches of Bowser’s military.
Of course, there are also Special Forces.
Units that Bowser can send in when he needs something to be done quietly and cleanly.
Like when the he sent the Broodals to perform the extrajudicial killing of Professor E. Gadd.
Next we've got the Bros.
I'm talking the Hammer Bro, the Fire Bro, every bro in between.
You can learn more about them in the HBO series, Band of Brothers.
I assume.
I've never watched the show.
It’s time for the special forces called The Funny Parade!
It’s the Funny Parade!
You know about Thwomps, but did you know that there are Thwimps?
And the Whomps have Whimps?
Thwimps and Thwomps and Whimps and Whomps and Grindels and Spindels and Grrrols.
There's Tox Box and Flomps and Rhomps and Bomps and Walleyes and Wallops and
they're all pretty much invincible and they will crush you without hesitation
like a cartoonish Sherman’s March to the Sea.
Next, we've got the Koopalings.
They're sort of like the Seal Team 6 of Bowser's army.
Iggy, Larry, Lemmy, Roy, Wendy O., Ludwig Von.
Notice that I did not include Morton Koopa Jr., because despite what he has written in
his memoirs, he's never actually been active duty, and he’s a valor stealing bastard.
And the final special forces team.
It’s the Stus.
Strollin’ Stu (strollin' stu).
Soarin’ Stu (soarin' stu).
Swipin' Stu (swipin' stu).
Smolderin’ Stu (smolderin' stu).
*Pat laughs offscreen.*
I don’t know if they’re good at fighting
but they are good at being the best fucking characters in Mario.
And that is every troop in Bowser’s military.
Except for these six specific ones.
They didn't really fit in the military structure.
They don't act like military.
The Koopa Troopas from Super Mario 64, they don’t even antagonize you.
Like, they go about their business unless you go out of your way to attack them.
So, again, they don't even, like, feel like military.
Uh, they act more like civilians, to be honest.
*realizing an unfortunate truth*
Oh my god, they’re civilians.
Okay, so maybe reading the full Geneva Conventions wasn’t such an unnecessary thing after all.
There’s this thing called the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, and in
Article 8 Subsection 2, it states that grave breaches of the Geneva Conventions
count as war crimes.
And if these Koopa Troopas are in fact not Troopas, but civilians, and Mario kills them,
then that is a direct violation of Article 8 Part 2, subsection B, 1: (i) Intentionally
directing attacks at the civilian population...
Mario is a war criminal.
But that’s not the only breach, God no.
Subsection A 4: Extensive destruction and appropriation of property.
Destroying a brick to gain a coin.
Subsection A 5, Compelling a prisoner of war... to serve in the forces of a hostile Power.
What else could you call using Cappy to possess enemies
and then forcing them to fire on their own friends?
Subsection A 8, Taking of hostages.
What was Mario doing with that penguin child?
You might think, hey, maybe Mario's just become hardened after years of onslaught
by Bowser, but LOOK BACK TO MARIO’S YOUTH!
I know I didn’t include Yoshi’s Island in these lists of games, but Subsection B, 21:
Committing outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment.
Yoshi made Burt the Bashful’s pants fall down!
But Baby Mario gave the order.
He already feels bashful!
You didn't need to pants the man!
Mario has committed at least 5 war crimes,
and I’m not even including the child soldiers he has enlisted in the RPGs.
But luckily, I’ve already compiled an extensive PDF that I have just emailed to the Hague,
outlining Mario's crimes.
Still, it’s important to note that Bowser is also at fault.
The great loss of Goomba life is a tragedy, no matter which side you are on.
The true enemy is war itself.
And to fix that, we have to turn to the only thing that’s worked in the past.
Song.
One more time everyone!
We are the Toads.
We are the goombas.
So please stop jumping on each other, ya big Galoombas!
Why do we fight to take each others’ space, when there’s so mushroom to spare.
We could all have extra lives if we just share.