- Hey, everybody.
Today, we're gonna talk about forgiveness,
but before I jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome.
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turned on so that you don't miss out.
But let's jump into today's topic.
Now forgiveness is something we often know we should do,
or we're told to do it, but no one really talks
about how we're supposed to forgive someone,
especially ourselves.
When anyone speaks about forgiveness,
I know I automatically think about someone doing something
that hurt me or my feelings,
and that I need to let it go by forgiving them.
But I find that what we struggle with most
is forgiving ourselves for any of the wrongs
or missteps we've made, and trust me,
I'm not any better at this.
Just the other day, I was ruminating about something
I said and I worried could've been taken the wrong way
or sometimes, if I let my mind wander,
I'll go back to things I have done in my past
that I feel bad about,
so annoying.
I can even spend hours just going through things I said
or did in my past, jumping from when I was a child,
to just what happened a few months ago,
and I will play that scenario back again,
almost like I'm trying to hurt myself all over again
just to prove how sorry I truly am,
but in to the good news, today we are both going to learn
how we can forgive ourselves,
and finally let all that stuff go,
and the first tip we're gonna talk about
is allowing yourself a re-do.
You know how I talk about,
our brain doesn't know the difference
between visualizing, and real life?
It's true, it doesn't.
If we visualize ourselves doing something,
it thinks it's the same as us
actually doing it in real life.
Pretty cool, huh?
So we can use this information,
this really cool, scientifically-proven information,
to our advantage when it comes to forgiving ourselves,
and letting go of past faults.
Imagine how you would re-do the scenario or experience.
So think about it, imagine it,
and then I want you to journal about what you learned
from that terrible, or even embarrassing experience.
- Doing this not only shows us
that we have learned from it, and moved on,
but that we will do better next time.
So give it a try, because like I said,
our brain doesn't know the difference,
and if we visualize this new outcome happening,
us maybe not saying that thing that hurt their feelings,
or doing the thing that we were so embarrassed about,
then it's like our brain will let that go,
so that these random memories of bad things we've done
don't just pop up out of nowhere, and maybe ruin our day.
The second tip on how to forgive ourselves
is to say sorry, and repair the relationship.
Often when we haven't at least tried to make amends,
we can struggle to forgive ourselves and move on.
My patients tell me all the time that they will keep
replaying the last fight they had with someone,
almost like they're self-injuring with it.
Like I even talked about at the beginning,
I feel like I'm just hurting myself over and over
with retelling these painful stories.
And so if it's safe to reengage with someone
we have wronged, consider trying to apologize.
And as always, it's best to take the time to prepare
what we want to say, and maybe even practice
saying it out loud before we go to meet them.
That way, you can even imagine what they might say
in response, and consider your answers back,
which really just ensures that we don't go
and try to repair the relationship,
and end up making it even worse.
The third tip, thought-stopping.
I'm sure you saw that one coming.
I haven't talked about this in awhile,
but it's such an important tool.
If you find your brain continuously going back
to that one time you did that really shitty thing,
and it hurts you, or embarrasses you all over again,
don't fret, you can shut down that annoying thought-pattern
right in its tracks.
The first way to stop negative, or ruling thoughts
from taking over our entire mind
is to simply yell, or say loudly, stop.
When your mind wanders back in to that negative,
or hurtful time again, don't let it go any further,
say stop, shut it down.
Now, in all honesty, that tip is the one
that everybody talks about when it comes to thought-stopping
but its never really worked for me personally,
but everyone's different, and it could help you,
so I just wanted to at least mention it
and let you know it's available.
But there are other ways that we can stop our thoughts
from going in to places we don't want them to.
The one that works best for me
is to notice it's happening again,
and force my mind in to a pleasant memory.
Hmm, I could go back to that wonderful summer
I spent in Costa Rica,
where I learned Spanish with my friend, Nina,
or the other year when Shawn and I went to Palm Springs
for a weekend getaway.
Whatever the happy memory is,
you're gonna need to try to use all five senses,
and tell yourself the whole story
of each trip, and experience,
and often, by the time we get to that second
out of our five senses, we have already forgotten
all about that nasty, or negative memory.
And finally, simply noticing your thoughts,
and taking yourself out of it, can help.
Meaning, that we can notice our mind is wandering
in to that hurtful space again,
and say to ourselves, yep my mind is trying
to make me feel bad, and pull me back in there,
but I don't wanna go.
Often just knowing it's happening,
and recognizing that pattern, can stop it.
So I don't know, give some of these tips and tricks a try,
and see what works for you,
or better yet, let us know in those comments
what works best when you're trying
to stop your negative thoughts.
And my fourth tip is to focus on how far you've come.
This can be done through journaling,
and if you're really lucky, you've been keeping a journal,
so you can actually go back to that time
when that nasty thing happened,
and you read through your entries from then,
but I know that most of us don't keep journals,
so right now let's just take some time
to consider our own values, morals,
and our current relationships.
What are the things that you look for in others,
and what do you strive to bring to your relationship?
Taking the time to consider these things
can help us not only realize
that we are in fact good people,
but also also that we have learned a lot
from our past upsets.
Perhaps we no longer pick fights when we're drinking,
or we're more careful about how we say things to people
in the heat of an argument.
You can even write down the specific things
you think the past relationship or fight taught you.
Maybe it taught you a bit about yourself,
and how you can better engage with people in your life.
So spend some time taking stock of who you are now,
and how you've grown from that particular experience.
My fifth tip, positive self-talk.
You knew I was gonna try to sneak this in somehow.
But in all honesty, a lot of what prevents us
from being able to forgive ourselves
is how we talk about it within our own head,
but if we keep allowing our mind
to take us back to that fight,
and then we beat ourselves up about it again, and again,
about how we should have not said that,
or how we should have done or said that instead,
we won't ever be able to move past it.
If we change the conversation we have with ourselves
about this hurt, and terrible, or embarrassing experience,
then, and only then, can we fully let go of it
and forgive ourselves.
I hope you found this information helpful.
I know forgiving ourselves can sometimes be
so much harder than forgiving someone else.
Oh, and as a reminder, if you like my channel,
you're gonna love my book,
Are u ok?: Your Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health
is available now, so click link in the description,
and pick one up for you,
and also leave any other ideas,
or things that you felt I left out in this video
in those comments down below,
and I will see you next time, bye.