if my goal indigo it going into a conversation is to improve my
relationship with you does that make me some kind of some kind of a fake person
right oh I'm a fake person because I'm just trying to trick Dave into liking me
it's like no actually I want us to win yeah and by the way I you know this goes
back to the difference between leadership and manipulation which I
talked about so if if my goal is to get you to do something that's gonna benefit
me yeah that's manipulation and it's wrong
if my goal in getting improving our relationship is so that our team can do
better we can accomplish our mission and both of those things by the way benefit
you well guess what that's called it's called leadership so you know with
that you know how because some people on the flip side of that whole spectrum is
like they'll do that but it's almost like and I guess it's a question free so
you know like okay your voice coming to America remember that that Joe Eddie
Murphy so it was is where Eddie Murphy African
guy yeah and they're like princes or something yeah yeah yeah yeah I feel he
could even Arsenio Hall was also a nephew in there but yes sir um so
anyways so someone tells them that he's like hey you got to get in good with the
dad that's how you do it so he's like okay he's gonna build this relationship
apparently he goes in and he'd like it's like weird you know say essentially the
point is he forced it he tried to force it so it didn't work so in real life how
that looks is like you ever get like I don't know your friends like a real
estate agent or something any sending you like handwritten notes like hey just
wondering how you don't you like Breyer I don't even know you that good you know
it's like so you through obvious the one who try to force a good relationship you
know and it almost makes you kind of suspicious I mean nowadays this is sure
so it's almost like it's called a brown-noser and people consume video if
you're a brown-noser that's that's that's a good point yeah but there's a
dichotomy with everything if you go so far that all I'm looking to do is please
Dave with this conversation there's no tension at all there's no there's
there's nothing just be put being a pushover well guess what happens with
his respect for me it's respect goes down a little bit so I'm not talking
about you gotta be just a brown-noser at all yeah yeah no no and then there's
that's YouTube but there's a nut and the one I was thinking about her
but for some thinking about is like you can tell that this person you're just
trying to build a relationship for me or with me I don't know why I can suspect
why maybe you want my business or maybe you want something you want something I
know and that's kind of at the forefront so I mention this later in the book you
know how you just crush that I'll tell you how you crush it when I'm talking to
Dave you know why I'm talking to Dave you know why I want to build a
relationship because I care about Dave yeah the number one thing for oh when
I'm talking to Dave Dave knows that you know what I care about Dave if that's
the underlying if that's the underlying principle on which we're that I'm doing
this is because I care about him he's gonna know that yet that's
subconsciously subconsciously and maybe sometimes you got to be a little bit
more proactive and make sure that you know someone understands it like I mean
and it doesn't mean proactive by saying hey Dave I really care about you that
doesn't work you can't just say it yeah I've gotta prove by your actions
you got to show people like hey guess what's more important than me you yeah
so when I'm talking to you and I'm listening to you and I'm taking your
advice on board and I'm saying yeah you know what let's go with your plan I'm
doing that because I want you to execute your plan I want you to learn from your
plan I want to support your plan because I care about you yeah that makes it
actually that that's good right there that makes sense now so so it's almost
like actually it is where if I want to build a relationship with Dave I'm not
gonna think okay let me focus on bill let me actively build a relationship
just out of the blue or out of nothing it's like it's more like that's almost
in a way secondary well the further the primary thing is like do I need to talk
to Dave then yeah I'll talk to Dave but while I do that the point is to build a
relationship with them I'm not gonna be like I need to build a relationship with
Dave where's Dave let me call him up and start trying to build a relationship
with him yeah so you're right and there's there's a danger here that
you're you're someone's going to be in court courage to force right there
impose good relationships on people right so yeah that you got to be careful
atoms and and again and actually here's the next line in
this book you are not building the relationship so you can garner favor
from the boss know you were trying to build a relationship so the boss trusts
you and will listen to you so you and the team can more effectively accomplish
the mission yeah that's what you're doing you want to accomplish the mission
which is good for everybody and then it goes back and says for these reasons
choose your battle carefully because if you remember this whole paragraph is
about like when do you actually approach the boss when is it worth saying the
boss hey hey boss can you explain this to me because I'm not sure that I
understand what you want to have happen here if it's not worth that conversation
cuz not gonna be that big of a difference mm-hmm just go with it you
know just just go with it but what I'm saying is like I could see someone maybe
reading this I could see me reading let's face it
I see me reading that and going to like let's say I had a job hmm and I could
read that and I'd be like hey let me build a relationship with chuckle and
then I'll just roll in kinda out of the blue and be like hey cuz I'm building my
relationship so I can grow in a trust that's what I'm doing right now so this
is what I'm gonna do hey joko did you catch that that football game last night
and you're like what are you talking about like you're acting weird
here's the deal if the premise that you go on in on is you want to build a
relationship with me for your own benefit the I'm gonna see right through
that so does anybody else if the premise that you go in is because you care about
me and you're wondering if I saw the football game because you know I like
football and you want to talk to me about it and you care about me yeah
that's gonna shine through and I'm not gonna think this other negative thing so
yes if you're a person that's walking around you're gonna use the principles
in this book to benefit yourself everyone's gonna see through it it
doesn't work and what's really cool and this is all the like the closing of the
book is what we're getting to right now is if you want to if you want to have a
successful run as a leader and you wanna rise to the top the best possible way to
do that is to care about your team care about the mission take care of them and
that will show through and eventually you will get to the top if you're if
you're sitting there thinking hey I want to get to the top so I'm ready to do
whatever it takes and step on people or use people it's it's so obvious yeah
it's so obvious when someone's playing in that game in
can barely even fake it you can't barely even fake it like well I'm look I'm
gonna get to the top but I know I have to be cool Dave my boss yeah so I'm
gonna manipulate here it's you and here's the here's the really sad thing
if you're that person you think no one can see it right hi everyone good see ya
that's kind of the point there where like you got to be careful with that
kind stuff where like if if I'm trying to build a relationship like brother can
see what you're doing you know spray like cuz again this is more gotta be
careful with it here's how you be careful with it if you're trying to do
this for yourself it's not gonna work if you're trying to do this because you
care about the team it's gonna work and and you're gonna win yeah you personally
are gonna win if you do this if you do this because you want to win you're
gonna lose ya do this if you want to take care of those people and you want
the team to win and you want them to accomplish the mission so they can
elevate yeah it will work yeah let's do huh if I want to win if you're if you're
a young leader right now listening to this conversation and thinking about how
you can build a relationship and the power of the relationship with your
people actually those individual how you interact with that individual person
isn't the biggest thing because what those people in your team are doing is
watching you so maybe jakka comes out and wants to
build a relationship with me and okay I'm trying to figure out as the
authentic or genuine what I actually get to do is watch Jaco with the other 10
dudes on the team and over time if Jocko is just how he is and he believes in
that and that actually he's gonna treat everybody the same way and it's not
gonna be what he does or or says to me that gets me to buy off that he's on
board of this as I'm gonna see him in all the other and everything else that
he does I'm gonna come to the conclusion like - this is legit that guy that guy -
that guy cares but everybody else being successful and then those are gonna need
you at times and there you will have opportunities to build relationships but
the authenticity isn't just what do I say to echo to get echo to like me or
every favor with echo because actually what you're doing to your leader is
you're watching everything that are doing and the reason being fake about it
doesn't work isn't because I just see it with me is
you do with everybody else that's why it's so obvious because you're out there
trying to figure how to play the game of all these ten different people and if
you're if you're faking it it it's gonna it's gonna be completely obvious not
because of how you and I interact so the thing that actually has to start with if
you've now put put in charge of a team or a leader go back and read that second
platoon commander from chaco second platoon he didn't walk in and go I'm
honored to lead you to count you as people that worked for me on my team he
just said I'm happy to be part of this and I'm happy to help make this team win
that's it you don't need to elevate the statute everybody knows who the bosses
the chain of command is understood everybody's got that hierarchy what you
actually need to do is look for ways to break down those barriers and just have
them recognize all this guy cares about is us winning that's all he cares about
and by behavior after behavior after behavior eventually either doing it or
you're not and if you're doing it people gonna get on board if you're not you're
going to fail no matter what you do and people are gonna see that a mile away oh
yeah smell it on you mm-hm