Comedy's tough. Comedy's tough in the U.S.
Gender jokes are tough. Race is tough, you know?
Politics is tough. What's the toughest topic?
Guns.
Guns are the hardest topic to do jokes about.
You hear how quiet it is now that I even just said guns?
Guns are tough.
It's always tough to do jokes about guns.
It's always too soon, isn't it?
Isn't that sad?
We love guns, man.
I think it should be our greeting, you know?
Instead of shaking hands, I think we should just--
[mimics guns firing]
Greetings take on the culture of its people.
That's why in Japan, you bow.
In France, you kiss on both cheeks.
That's our culture. We own 50% of the world's guns.
"Oh, you're American? Nice to meet ya."
[mimics guns firing]
It's the second thing we wrote.
Out of all the things to write when starting a country,
the second thing they wrote down is,
"You better get a gun."
The first thing they wrote down is,
"You can say what you want," and then they were like,
"But you better get a gun if you wanna do that."
We wrote that before women's rights, slavery, healthcare.
That's high.
Two is high, everybody.
Even Germany's number two wasn't
"Arm every citizen with a deadly weapon."
And that's what gun lovers tell you.
Many people probably in this room will tell you,
"Look, man, Second Amendment: the right to bear arms."
And they're fucking right. That's what it says.
My only criticism of that amendment is,
when it was written, arms were
a little different, weren't they?
In the late 1780's?
Arms was a musket. It was 28-feet long.
It took 12 minutes to reload it.
You shot, like, a warped marble, you know,
that even if I aimed at him,
it would hit her in the shoulder.
A mass shooting would take nine hours.
Two shots fired. Nobody injured or killed.
What do those words mean?
What do the words "the right to bear arms" mean?
Maybe we misinterpreted them?
Maybe it's the right to show your arms, you know, huh?
Sun's out, guns out. That's where that comes from.
People misinterpreted things all the time back then.
Muslims believe if you die a martyr, you go to heaven,
you get 72 virgins,
but depending on what translation you use
for the word "virgins," it could also mean raisins.
Do you know that?
You might get 72 raisins.
Still good.
I'm just saying, if they fucked that up,
maybe we fucked up the arms thing, you know?
I'm not anti-gun.
I can feel some of you in the balcony
putting your scopes on your rifles.
I'm not anti-gun.
I wanted to get a gun. I thought about it.
And then I thought about how often I reach in
my garbage disposal when it's turned on,
and I was like, "You know what,
"maybe I don't need a deadly weapon
flying around the house."
I do that joke in New York, and people go,
"He has a garbage disposal?"
[chuckles]
It's just sad.
Yesterday, there was a mass shooting.
And I don't even know when this is going to air,
but that last sentence will remain relevant.
Isn't that fucking sad?
Las Vegas is sad, El Paso, Parkland,
Newtown, San Diego,
I mean, Killeen, Texas.
You can't even name them all.
You can't even name them all, right?
Orlando, the guy who shot up the gay nightclub.
Not the gays! They love everybody, man.
We have a gun problem.
Hate to break it to you, we have a gun problem,
but we can't touch the second amendment.
It's a tough problem to solve.
Politicians are not going to solve it,
but maybe a comedian can.
I have three solutions to solve the United States' gun problem.
You guys wanna hear them? Here we go.
First solution: You only get two guns.
That's the max. You can have a short gun
and you can have a long gun, okay?
You can't have 586 guns.
Second solution: Women, you can have
as many guns as you want, all right?
Bazookas, armored helicopters, Uzis,
swords that shoot bullets, whatever.
No women has killed more than two people in this country
with a gun since 1980, okay?
Even the YouTube shooter,
she slightly injured two and then killed herself.
[blows raspberries] All right?
Fellas, if you wanna use a gun, you gotta find a woman.
Ask her.
She's going to say, "What's it for?
"How long are you going to be gone?
"Who are you going with?
What time can I expect you'll be back?"
Third solution: If you're a white man
with a bad haircut,
no guns for you, okay?