- Hey guys, so it's been exactly one year since I did this.
(door sliding)
Hi, I'm gay (laughing).
(door sliding)
Ow.
(jazzy piano music)
I still slightly regret that not being the whole video.
But yeah, I came out, told the world I was gay,
and I haven't really given you an update on how it went,
what I was feeling when I posted it.
So, I thought I'd just have a chat with you guys
about my gayness, what?
And also, let you know a bit more
about some of the stuff I talked about.
So, let's cast our mind backs, mind backs,
minds back to 2019.
Phil is about to come out the closet,
I mean, I had already told some friends and family
and stuff like that,
but it's such a big difference
to telling the entire world on YouTube.
I was sat there,
having a battle between my finger and my brain.
I was like, press upload, no,
press upload, I can't do it.
Anyway, my finger eventually won,
gave the finger to my brain,
and I pressed go, go.
And I did not realize at the time just how much of a weight
on my shoulders I had.
No wonder my posture was so bad
because I was just being pressed down
by all of these emotions.
And as soon as I posted the video
and seen some positive comments coming in,
it was like, it just lifted.
I felt 1,000% lighter,
I felt I could finally just exist as a human.
It was so weird and so nice.
I can't even put it into words,
but I'm just so grateful for you guys
who've been watching me on YouTube and have been with me
on this journey of self acceptance, really.
I've been a YouTuber for so long
and I really feel like I've grown as a person
and a lot of you guys have grown along with me as well,
so have all of the vibes.
I think there's about 50,000 comments on that video now.
And whenever I go to it, they're either super positive,
saying that the video helped them in some ways,
some people even came out in the comments of my video
which was so great to see.
It's just been above and beyond anything I expected
from posting that video.
Oh, I'm gonna get emotional. (laughing)
Yeah, so that was,
that was really nice.
All right, let's have a look at some of the comments.
Just type coming out to yog.
Just me being emotional about my sexuality with an Activia.
Okay, right.
Phil, I'm gay, me, I'm so proud of you for coming out.
Phil, my hair isn't naturally black.
Me, oh.
Yeah, so many people were shocked about my hair.
Like, more so than coming out
'cause that was the joke upon the start of the video.
It's even more obvious now.
Me and my friends at school looking at a hot guy.
Phil's friends, wow, I wanna be him.
Phil, wow, I wanna kiss him.
Phil's self-induced homophobia,
stop, you have violated the law.
(laughing) So true.
Like, even thinking about something remotely gay.
Like, the edge of a man's nipple.
(laughing) What is wrong with me?
You know, just something small.
It was terrible, I'd just feel guilty for, like, eight hours
because my brain crossed into the gay threshold.
But I hope that society is getting better
that young people are suffering from that a lot less
because there's nothing wrong with being gay.
And England is quite an accepting country,
so I can't even imagine what it's like
for young people growing up in places
where being gay is illegal
and they're not even allowed to talk about it.
And I just look forward to a time,
hopefully sooner rather than later,
when everyone can just be who they wanna be
and there's no one telling you otherwise.
Girl, I bet he's thinking about other girls.
Phil, so geography homework.
(laughing)
Sadly, to me an oxbow lake was just more interesting
than a boob.
The world is becoming a better place.
2020, (laughing) exists.
(laughing) Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no one saw that one coming, did they?
This whole video just radiates Captain Holt energy
(laughing) and I'm living for it.
Yeah, it's says how me
and Captain Holt have a lot in common.
I wish I could see more of that specific boob.
I didn't realize how much of my life was being affected
by not being out to the world as well.
Like, if I ever had an interview with a newspaper
or I was on a panel at VidCon or something like that,
I was just so scared there'd start being questions
about sexuality and I would just have
to shy away and not say anything.
And since then, I've felt like I could be so much more open
about my experiences and generally be more myself.
I remember I had one interview with a magazine
and it was so awkward,
I just wanted to eject myself out of my skin.
They're like, which female celebrity would you wanna date?
What was your first girlfriend like?
What do you look for in a woman?
What's your favorite three qualities about women?
And inside, I was just like, I'm gay,
oh my God, leave me alone, you beast.
But still being out,
I don't think I'd wanna do that interview.
I think it's rude to just ask people
about their sexual preferences having met them
for three seconds.
And there was so many little examples of things like that
that just stressed me out so much
that as soon as I posted the video I was like,
(sighing) I can breathe.
And I don't know if you even noticed
in my YouTube content,
but I just feel like I can be more myself now
'cause I'm not holding a part of me back.
So that's another thing,
I didn't realize until I started making videos,
post coming out and I was like, oh, I feel more free now.
I didn't even know that was a thing.
It's not just been my YouTube life
where I've been held back in weird situations
where I've had to pretend about who I am.
It's been happening ever since I saw a glistening,
muscly guy walking along the beach.
One of them that comes to mind is
when I had one of my first proper big crushes
on another guy when I was working
at a stationery store over Christmas.
He had cool, spiky blonde hair,
but you know the kinda spiky hair that looks cool,
like he's used wax, but he didn't try,
but he still looks good and he was a bit alternative,
he had a couple of tattoos
and he had one of those big ear gauges in one of his ears.
He was one of those crushes
where I couldn't even form a sentence.
He'd just be like, morning, Phil,
and I'd be like, (laughing) morn, nice morn.
(speaking gibberish)
For this story, let's call him.
(dog barking)
No, that's his actual name, what? (laughing)
Let's call him his actual name.
No, let's call him Kyle.
Anyway so, me and Kyle worked side by side on the tills
and for some reason we were always next to each other
and we were always just put next to each other.
And under the till, counter thing,
we had to share a plastic bag grabbing station.
You know, to give the bags to the customers.
So, every so often, we'd both go to get a plastic bag
and our hands would brush against each other
and I'd be like, (inhaling sharply) I love you.
And the second time we were paired together was
after work finished, we'd have to go into the warehouse,
accept a massive delivery.
So that was a time where we started to chat more
and I started to make less of a fool of myself
as I got used to being able to speak to another human
that I fancied a bit.
This was a time where some
of my university friends knew I was gay,
but I didn't wanna, like, tell random people at work.
So, work Phil was very much in the working closet.
There was no dating apps back then,
I couldn't just load up Tinder and be like, oh, there he is.
Had to use some kind of psychic gaydar
and figure out little subtle hints.
The first hint, he never spoke about girls,
girlfriends, fancying anyone.
Not that that's a hint of being gay,
might just've been private
about his personal life, whatever.
But in my crazy mind-map of string and pictures,
like in some kind of true crime documentary,
that was, ooh, promising.
Second thing is he would give me random compliments
and no one at work ever complimented me,
they hardly even noticed me.
So for him to be, like, hey, did you change your hair?
Or hey, your shoes are cool or whatever.
It just made me detect vibes.
This tension was bubbling for quite a bit.
Anyway, it got to Christmas.
I remember this very clearly, he was wearing a Santa hat.
He turned to me, looked me in the eyes
and said, "Meet me in the warehouse in 10 minutes."
So I was like, this is it, this is it.
We're gonna kiss, it's happening, dot GIF.
So, I ran out to the staff room, checked my hair,
sprayed myself with deodorant.
He was there waiting, shift finished,
shirt slightly unbuttoned, leaning against a box.
And I was like, wow, this is it.
This is gonna happen.
So I walked over to him, he was silent for a while
and then he said, is anyone else down here?
Like, has any staff followed you in?
I was like, no, I think it's,
I think it's just us.
(sensual music)
And then he said, oh good,
'cause the security camera's not working,
another green light,
because I wanna steal some of these chocolate boxes
so I can give one to my girlfriend for Christmas.
(cow mooing)
Really?
He, what, he, he, but he.
First of all, he's got a girlfriend.
Might, still might bisexual or something,
but still, got a girlfriend.
Secondly, he wants to get me involved in crime.
Two red flags.
So, I was like, actually no,
I think I heard the manager coming,
so I'm just gonna go back and sort my shelves out.
(crickets chirping)
And there ended my first awkward crush.
Another awkward, closeted moment that comes to mind is
when I auditioned for the reality show Big Brother.
I got quite far into the audition process
and there was one part where you had
to sit in a dining room chair
and then the voice of Big Brother would ask you questions.
And I think, as I remember it,
they were doing quick fire things, like,
do you like cats or dogs?
Do you like pizza or spaghetti?
Are you gay or straight?
And I think I just blurted out gay
before I realized what I even wanted to say.
You know, you're just getting quick fire questions
that you just answer the truth rather
than actually thinking about it,
so I was like, I said gay,
I'm on camera and this audition process
for a TV show and I haven't even told my parents.
And Big Brother said, oh, so you're gay.
We went on to other questions then,
but I started to stress out.
So at that point, I was like, actually,
I don't wanna be on the show anymore.
Even though I said no to the show,
it was crazy how much it affected me.
I had so much anxiety and stress
because they always use people's audition clips
in the first episode just to be like,
all these people auditioned
and then everyone would've known.
Anyway, they didn't and I was never on reality TV
which is probably a good thing.
This is just a couple of awkward closeted moments
that I've had. (laughing)
I've got loads more of those
so I might tell more of those in the future.
Anyway, this would've been my first proper Pride Month
out to the world.
Then Corona decided to stamp on the fun, how homophobic.
But I did wanna do something charity related
to kind of mark this one year celebration of coming out.
So I've made this art print in A3.
It's made of high-quality card.
Listen to that quality.
And the ones you'll get will have a holographic border
as well, it wasn't ready when I filmed this video,
but here it is looking all sexy.
It's based on a quote from my coming out video,
kind of ironic I said the future is bright
and then there was a global pandemic.
But, in regards to acceptance and love,
I really think it is,
especially for the younger generation watching this.
The poster comes with this pride corgi sticker.
The corgi was gay all along.
(laughing) So.
I know it's the end of Pride Month,
but having pride doesn't just end on July the first,
so I think it's something nice
that you can have all year round.
So, if you wanna get one of these along with the sticker,
you can click the link below
and 100% of the profits will be split
between the Marsha P. Johnson Institute,
the Albert Kennedy Trust, and the Trevor Project.
So you can click the link below and grab one.
And if you're watching this
and you're struggling with your sexuality or your identity,
I've put some links below for you as well.
But just remember you are valid
and there is love for you and it will get better.
So, thanks for watching, I hope you're doing well
and I will see y'all for another video soon, goodbye.