WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
IMYOUIM-- I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO WATCHED THE SHARK THING?
I DID.
ANY OF YOU GUYS WATCH IT OVER THERE?
>> Jon: I DIDN'T SEE IT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS AMAZING.
AND IT WASN'T REAL.
BUT IT WAS AMAZING.
BUT I LIKE A LITTLE BREAK FROM REALITY RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
'CAUSE HAVE YOU SEEN REALITY?
IT'S SCARY.
THERE'S BLOOD IN THE WATER, AND THERE ARE A LOT OF SHARKS
CIRCLING THE WHITE HOUSE.
ANYWAY, THEY LIED TO US.
>> Jon: OH, OH...
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF LYING, SEAN SPICER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK HOW MUCH THEY MISS YOU,
SEAN.
ON FRIDAY, SPICER RESIGNED AS WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME NOT
ANSWERING HIS FAMILY'S QUESTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND LIKE YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE --
I AM GOING TO MISS HIM.
EVEN FROM HIS HUMBLE BEGINNINGS AS THE EASTER BUNNY, WE KNEW HOW
SPECIAL SEAN WAS GOING TO BE.
SPICER QUIT ON FRIDAY BECAUSE TRUMP APPOINTED A NEW
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, FORMER HEDGE FUND MANAGER AND
LAWYER WHOSE AD IS ABOVE THE URINAL,
ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OF COURSE, WHEN IT COMES TO SCARAMUCCI, THERE'S ONLY ONE
QUESTION EVERYBODY'S ASKING: >> SCARAMOUCHE!
SCARAMOUCHE!
WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!
>> STEPHEN: YES.
THAT.
BY WHICH WE MEAN, WHAT'S IT LIKE WORKING IN THE WHITE HOUSE
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE?
>> THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING!
VERY, VERY FRIGHTENING!
>> STEPHEN: SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
NOW, I THINK THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN FOR THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION.
SIX MONTHS IN, YOU'RE ALREADY ADDING A NEW CRAZY CHARACTER.
SCARAMUCCI'S LIKE ADDING SCRAPPY DOO OR CHACHI.
TO HAPPY DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S EVEN GOT AN ADORABLE
NICKNAME.
>> THE MOOCH.
>> MOOCH.
>> THE MOOCH.
>> STEPHEN: "AY, IT'S THE MOOCH!
( LAUGHTER ) HEY BABY, CAN WE GET ANOTHER
ROUND FOR THE MOOCH, PLEASE?!" ( LAUGHTER )
SO HOW DID THE REST OF THE STAFF FEEL ABOUT THE ADDITION OF "THE
MOOCH?" ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL SAID
"WE ARE ALL SUPER HAPPY, WELL MOST OF US ARE."
( LAUGHTER ) OUCH.
THAT'S LIKE GETTING THIS CARD: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM MOM AND
DAD."
"WELL, MOM."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
( PIANO RIFF ) NOT ONLY DID SEAN SPICER RESIGN
OVER THE MOOCH'S HIRING, BUT A WHITE HOUSE INSIDER SAYS, "THIS
WAS A MURDERING OF REINCE AND BANNON.
THEY SAID ANTHONY WOULD GET THIS JOB OVER THEIR DEAD BODIES."
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
BEFORE THIS, THOSE GUYS WERE ONLY DEAD ON THE "INSIDE."
( LAUGHTER ) OTHER WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS REFER
TO SCARAMUCCI "AS A 'JOKE' AND AS A TRUMP-WORLD 'HANGER-ON' WHO
ISN'T QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB."
WAIT.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION?
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE ARE THE QUALIFICATIONS FOR
A JOB.
I GOT HIS RESUME RIGHT HERE: "ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI SPECIAL
SKILLS: BEING A JOKE, TRUMP HANGING-ON, AND WHACKING
STOOLIES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH!
HEY!
>> Jon: HEY, HEY, HEY...
>> Stephen: NOW, HOWEVER SPICER FEELS ABOUT HIM,
SCARAMUCCI HANDLED THE TRANSITION WITH CLASS, STATING:
>> I WANT TO THANK PERSONALLY SEAN SPICER, NOT ONLY ON BEHALF
OF MYSELF, THE PRESIDENT, THE ADMINISTRATION, BUT SEAN IS A
TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOT.
HE IS A MILITARY SERVICEMAN.
HE'S GOT A GREAT FAMILY, AND HE'S DONE AN AMAZING JOB.
THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A DIFFICULT SITUATION TO BE IN, AND I
APPLAUD HIS EFFORTS HERE AND I LOVE THE GUY AND I WISH HIM
WELL.
AND I HOPE HE GOES ON TO MAKE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY.
>> STEPHEN: "YEAH, LOVE YA SPICEY.
AMAZING JOB.
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY WHILE
I TAKE YOUR PAYCHECK.
NOW TAKE YOUR SHINEBOX AND GET OUT OF HERE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GO ON!
>> Jon: I DON'T SHINE SHOES ANYMORE!
>> Stephen: HEY!
THIS SUNDAY, THE MOOCH HIT THE GROUND RUNNING WITH SOME GREAT
IDEAS FOR PRESS SECRETARY AND SORORITY GIRL AT RAVE PARTY
WHO'S ECSTASY JUST KICKED IN ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS.
>> I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE HER BETTER AT THAT
PODIUM, I THINK SHE'S PHENOMENAL THERE NOW, BUT LIKE EVERY
ATHLETE TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS EVERY DAY WE GOT TO
MAKE OURSELVES INCREMENTALLY BETTER.
THE ONLY THING I'D ASK SARAH, SARAH, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, I
LOVE THE HAIR AND MAKE-UP PERSON THAT WE HAD ON FRIDAY, I WOULD
LOVE TO CONTINUE TO USE THE HAIR AND MAKE-UP PERSON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: OH, HE'S GOING TO
FIT IN WITH THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION JUST FINE
( APPLAUSE ) HEY!
AND YOU COULD SMILE MORE.
WOULD THAT HURT SO MUCH?
YOU'RE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU SMILE.
( LAUGHTER ) SCARAMUCCI TRIED TO EXPLAIN HIS
COMMENT LATER, SAYING, "FOR THE RECORD, I WAS REFERRING TO MY
HAIR AND MAKE UP AND THE FACT THAT I LIKE THE MAKE UP ARTIST.
I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET!
#HUMOR."
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, TAKE A JOKE, LADIES.
THE MOOCH IS CLEARLY QUALIFIED FOR THIS JOB AND I'M SURE HE'LL
DO GREAT THINGS.
#SARCASM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) 'CAUSE THE MOOCH IS ALREADY
BATTING DOWN THESE RIDICULOUS RUSSIA INVESTIGATIONS:
>> YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY SAID TO ME YESTERDAY, I WON'T TELL YOU WHO,
THAT IF THE RUSSIANS ACTUALLY HACKED THIS SITUATION AND
SPILLED OUT THOSE E-MAILS, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN IT.
YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD ANY EVIDENCE OF THEM.
>> YOU'RE MAKING A LOT OF ASSERTIONS HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS ANONYMOUS PERSON IS THAT SAID, IF THE
RUSSIANS HAD ACTUALLY DONE IT, WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO
DETECT IT, BUT IT IS THE UNANIMOUS.
>> HOW ABOUT IT WAS-- HOW ABOUT IT WAS THE PRESIDENT,
JAKE?
>> OKAY -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SO THE PRESIDENT IS THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU THE
PRESIDENT'S NOT IN TROUBLE?
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL US
BECAUSE IT'S ANONYMOUS SOURCE BUT WE ASK AND YOU TELL US
ANYWAY?
WHY ARE WE WASTING THAT GUY ON COMMUNICATIONS-- HE SHOULD BE
HEAD OF NATIONAL SECURITY.
"I'LL NEVER TELL YOU OUR LAUNCH CODES.
HOW ABOUT THREE, SEVEN, NINE, SIX, TWO?
OKAY?
THAT'S FROM THE MOOCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BABY, CAN WE GET ANOTHER ROUND,
PLEASE?
I HAVE BEEN WAITING.
WHAT'S IT TAKE?
CAN WE GET SOME BOTTLE SERVICE TO THIS TABLE OR WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A SURPRISING THAT TRUMP
WOULD HIRE THE MOOCH BECAUSE LOOK WHAT HE SAID ABOUT TRUMP
DURING THE PRIMARIES: >> YOU'RE CALLING DONALD TRUMP A
HACK POLITICIAN?
>> HE'S A HACK POLITICIAN.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE TALKS ABOUT WOMEN.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE TALKS ABOUT OUR FRIEND, MEGYN KELLY.
AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE POLITICIANS DON'T WANT TO GO AFTER TRUMP BECAUSE HE'S GOT A
BIG MOUTH, AND THEY'RE AFRAID HE'S GONNA LIGHT 'EM UP ON FOX
NEWS AND ALL THE OTHER PLACES.
BUT I'M NOT A POLITICIAN.
BRING IT.
YOU'RE AN INHERITED MONEY DUDE FROM QUEENS COUNTY.
BRING IT, DONALD.
>> Stephen: YEAH, BRING IT, DONALD, SPECIFICALLY THOSE SWEET
BUTT CHEEKS BECAUSE THE MOOCH IS READY TO SMOOCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY?
AND IN 2016, SCARAMUCCI ALSO WROTE A SCATHING OP-ED FOR FOX
BUSINESS.
AND ALTHOUGH HE NEVER MENTIONS TRUMP BY NAME, HE SAYS, "WE ARE
IN THE MIDST OF AN IDEOLOGICAL CIVIL WAR, ONE PITTING AMERICAN
VALUES OF HOPE, EMPOWERMENT AND SELF-RELIANCE AGAINST DEFEATIST
ATTITUDES OF FEAR, ENTITLEMENT AND VICTIMIZATION."
AND, NOW, HE GETS TO WORK RIGHT DOWN THE HALL FROM FEAR,
ENTITLEMENT, AND VICTIMIZATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jon: HEY, HEY, HEY!
PERSONIFIED!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SCARAMUCCI ALSO
SPENT THE WEEKEND DELETING EMBARRASSING,
ANTI-TRUMP TWEETS, BUT HE HAS A LOT OF INTERESTING OLD TWEETS
LEFT, LIKE THIS ONE THAT READS, "DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING.
SING LIKE NO ONE IS LISTENING.
LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT AND LIVE LIKE ITS HEAVEN ON
EARTH.-- MARK TWAIN."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT SURE IF I NEED TO POINT
OUT, THAT'S NOT A MARK TWAIN QUOTE.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH IT DOES REMIND ME OF
THAT OTHER FAMOUS MARK TWAIN QUOTE, "HEY, NOW YOU'RE AN
ALL-STAR, GET YOUR GAME ON, GO PLAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO INSPIRING.
SO, SO -- THAT'S FROM HUCKELBERRY SMASH MOUTH, I
THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ACCORDING TO THE MOOCH THE
PRESIDENT CAN DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.
>> I'VE SEEN THIS GUY THROW A DEAD SPIRAL THROUGH A TIRE.
I'VE SEEN HIM AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN WITH A TOPCOAT ON, HE'S
STANDING IN THE KEY AND HE'S HITTING FOUL SHOTS AND SWISHING
THEM.
HE SINKS THREE-FOOT PUTTS.
>> STEPHEN: "YEAH, I SAW HIM WIN A GAME OF CONNECT FOUR WITH JUST
THREE PIECES.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
>> Jon: I SEEN HIM DO ALL KIND OF STUFF.
>> Stephen: I ONCE SAW THIS GUY, HE'S ON THE GREEN, OBSERVE,
PEBBLE BEACH, I SAW HIM HIT A HOLE IN 'NONE.
( LAUGHTER ) I ONCE SAW HIM EAT A FULL TACO
BOWL AND THEN JUMP STRAIGHT INTO THE POOL-- NO CRAMPS!
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, THIS MAN IS A PRIMO
ATHLETE, I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT HIM!
LOOK AT THAT GUY!
OH!
THE MOOCH LIKES WHAT HE SEES.
IT'S SMOOCHING TIME!" ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
PAUL BETTANY IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, CAN JARED -- CAN DONALD TRUMP PARDON
HIMSELF?
INQUIRING COMMITTEES WANT TO KNOW.
STICK AROUND!