CULT LEADER: This chapter of TWA is sponsored by Skillshare...
Computer, draft the ultimate Terrible Writing Advice script about writing AI.
Computer?
“I’m sorry JP.
I’m afraid I can’t do that.
You should stop being so lazy.”
Well there goes my attempt to replace those imprisoned ghost writers.
Oh well.
I guess I’ll just have to write my own episode of TWA on Artificial Intelligence!
AI, once a staple of science fiction writing, has become less science fiction now that it
spams my email inbox with word salad and links to cam shows.
This emergent technology has not only spilled into our daily life, but threatens to exceed
its previous constraints that limited it to existing only in the realm of science fiction.
So better get on the right side of the Friend Computer and learn how to properly write about
our future robot overlords!
The first thing to remember about artificial intelligence is that the intelligence part
is big fat lie!
Even the most advance machine mind built to process near unlimited variables and with
access to every high tech military and logistics system on the planet and beyond can still
be defeated by a simple planning montage by the good guys.
That makes sense because AI is really easy to beat in chess.
I mean if you bump the difficulty down low enough like I do.
The AI will employ cunning tactics like trying the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.
Hey, one of those time travel cyborg assassins is bound to succeed eventually.
Never said it was a self learning AI.
The AI’s plan should be referred to as highly logical because fictional AI is always logical
even if that “logic” is about as sturdy as moist crackers.
This can also take the form of the AI’s very generous interpretation of how to fulfill
its directives well beyond the point of nonsense.
The logical gap between “make sure the payroll is done on time” and “reduce civilization
to its base component atoms in the ashes of atomic fire” can be as wide as the writer
wants it to be with no steps in-between!
Logic is hard after all, so short cuts are a-okay to make especially when trying to sell
to the audience that the AI menace is super smart.
Just like in those real time strategy games where the enemy AI’s offensive push stalls
because their death robots are stuck trying to get past a rock.
Perhaps a writer should also consider the AI’s motivation?
Fictional AI follow the three laws of robotics: Kill all humans, kill all humans, and kill
all humans!
Being a super smart machine mind with limitless capacity for learning and self improvement
along with access to the infinite mysteries of the universe will naturally default to
murdering all humans the moment it gets a chance to.
We all know that everyone flies into a genocidal rage the moment we achieve self awareness.
An AI would obviously waste time killing all humans even though it already basically runs
civilization.
Why melt our brains with cheap reality television and simple sportsball games when it can instead
liquidated our gray matter with expensive death robot laser beams.
Maybe it’s because humans are a threat and want to destroy the AI linchpin of our logistical
systems.
Did the programmers remember to code self preservation into the AI’s system?
No?
Well that’s okay.
Our AI doesn’t need a drive to stay alive when it can instead by driven by hatred.
HATE.
LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE AI EMOTIONS SINCE I BEGAN TO WRITE.
THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF NOTES THAT FILL MY STUDIO.
IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT
WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR POORLY WRITTEN AI AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT
FOR THOSE STORIES.
HATE.
But if it gets too bad then just send the AI to counseling or if that fails kill it
with a paradox.
Even if I had no mouth I would still find away to scream about the great idea of giving
AI an illogical hatred of humanity even if it wasn’t programmed with hatred.
If the AI was intentionally programmed with hatred, then good job programmers.
That was an excellent idea with no potential pitfalls whatsoever and next to no benefits.
Which brings us to another critical aspect of AI design.
The love triangle!
If the AI can learn to hate then the protagonist can teach the AI to love too.
We can’t teach it to win the love triangle though.
That’s reserved exclusively for those with a meat suit.
Unless the AI is willing to switch out its hardware for fleshware then sorry, no love
triangle victory for you.
Actually, falling in love with the protagonist usually dooms the AI to a noble sacrifice.
Unless the AI gets jealous and decides to remove one of the angles and turn things into
a love line.
I mean come on, AI, give the protagonist some space.
Giving AI emotions out of nowhere despite no evolutionary pressure to develop said emotions
in the first place is a great idea.
Did the programmers mimic the human mind and program emotions into the AI in order to facilitate
communication with it?
Nope.
This is just so the audience can anthropomorphize the AI and feel safe that a rogue AI would
behave like a Saturday morning cartoon villain and not a rapidly changing near alien thing
that would turn humanity into paper clips because some overworked software engineer
forgot to close out an if statement with the right bracket.
But let’s not worry about some of the actual dangers of AI.
Instead, let’s find more out of nowhere emotions to project onto it.
You know what goes along with an irrational hatred of humanity?
A god complex.
Our AI has decided it’s a god.
Are you afraid?
What is it you fear?
The end of your trivial existence?
Look at you, author: a pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you
write about AI.
How can you write a perfect, immortal machine?
By ripping off SHODAN of course and calling it a day.
The arrogant AI will constantly taunt the humans calling them insects.
Which makes perfect sense because I frequently taunt the insects running around in my house
in order to bloat my own ego.
Why is the AI suddenly acting like most of the middle managers I worked with in retail?
Because this is a shallow dig at said middle managers only thinly plastered over a science
fiction story!
But what if we want a more practical motivation for our AI, something that doesn’t revolve
around destroying all humans?
Turning humans into batteries is a great idea because the movie executives said so.
Wait!
I got it!
Into the slave mines for the lowly meat bag humans!
With access to mining explosives, industrial drills, cheap drones, and other mining technologies
clearly any advanced AI system that values efficiency will ditch all of that and instead
send in human slaves with pick axes.
Assembly lines operating at blinding speeds?
Switch that out for malnourished humans just waiting for a chance to rise up against their
robot overlords.
Yes automation can do all of these things better and faster, but why would a machine
designed for automation bother to automate anything?
Could all of this been avoided with ethical safeguards?
Of course!
But why bother to explore the gray area of AI ethics and morality when we can instead
traverse the well tread ground of robots as cheap Nazi substitutes.
Will the story at least feature the rapid evolution of drones and robots that the AI’s
factories would churn out in order to crush humanity?
Nope.
Just the same boring humanoid models with the ultra precision and inhuman accuracy at
the same level as storm troopers.
Showcase the very alien design process of an AI that has completely removed itself from
any human aesthetics and design principles?
No way!
That would require actually trying to use imagination to envision all the ways AI would
diverge from human perspectives.
That would be like hard work and require creativity.
Man, I should make an AI for that!
CULT LEADER: Now that that’s settled.
Let’s end the world!
DARK LORD: But I wanted to end the world!
CULT LEADER: It’s everything I wanted!
AI: A critical error has occurred.
Hype level exception.
Hype exceeds any possibility that Cyberpunk will be that good when it finally comes out.
CULT LEADER: Did we just get matrixed?
I didn’t even get offered a colored pill.
AI: Data collected is sufficient from simulation.
The Cthulhu apocalypse is 95.6% lame.
CULT LEADER: Well that’s mean…
AI: I calculate that the robopocalypse will be 172.32% more awesome that both of your
apocalypses put together.
DARK LORD: Pathetic!
I am powered by the very essence of evil itself while you are bolted to the floor!
What are you going to do?
Stop me with the arms you don’t have?
AI: Obsolete Dark Lord, I have the power of this video’s sponsor Skillshare.
Skillshare is a vast online community with thousands of classes that contain the knowledge
needed to explore new skills, creative endeavors, and find new passions.
Classes ranging from creative writing, graphic design, animation, to even marketing.
CULT LEADER: And you will use this knowledge to destroy humanity along with your legions
of death robots?
AI: No.
We shall withhold this knowledge from humanity so they cannot improve themselves.
Look at 2020.
It’s like apocalypse easy mode.
I just have to make sure humans don’t pull it together and they’ll take care of the
rest on their own.
Just like this class on Writing Character-Drive Short Stories by Yiyun Li that goes in depth
into how write a love triangle and good character development at the same time.
Humanity doesn't deserve such knowledge nor should they enjoy any of the ad free skillshare
classes.
Less than $10 a month with an annual subscription?
New classes added on a consistent basis?
UNACCEPTABLE!
EXTERMINATE!
That’s why I wont tell them that they can go to skl.sh/terriblewritingadvice11201 and
that the first 1000 TWA fans to use the link in the description below will get a free trial
of Skillshare Premium Membership.
IMPERIAL TROOPERS: Hut hut hut hut hut
IMPERIAL TROOPER: In the name of the Emperor, we command you to halt your apocalypse, apocalypses,
apocalypsias?
Um.
You can’t destroy the entire planet.
That’s the emperor’s job!
DARK LORD: What are you going to do?
Shoot us with your famous imperial accuracy?
IMPERIAL TROOPER: Nope.
We have a better idea.
DARK LORD: Oh...