You know, I was backstage, and I saw
everything you've done so far.
I'm delighted that you've renewed, that's great.
Thank you.
But do you realize you've only, really,
renewed for about three weeks, on Neptune?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now that-- now that you mention it, yes.
Neptune takes 160-- according to commander Jerry--
Yeah-- the third.
--who I will follow into the most stellar black hole
there is.
Yeah
I'm going to trust that guy.
He's a smart little kid.
He'll get us home.
Yeah.
No, three more years is a good amount of time.
This is the same amount of time that you've
rented the furniture for, here?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
So you got to get that back in three years, this back in three
years.
That's right, and then I send it back--
cause it's all about budget.
You helped us get this show started.
You came to my house--
We did a mock show, right?
Yeah.
I was your first mock guest in your house.
We were in your kitchen--
and set it up.
We did it an interview to show people I could talk to people
and listen.
And then we sent them the tape--
You were very good at both.
Thanks.
You could talk to us, you could listen.
When you said that you had lost your career
for a while-- remember back when that was the day?
Yeah.
When America sort of operated that way-- (MOCK HYSTERICAL
VOICE) Oh my god!
Yeah.
And now it turns out--
Yeah, they don't mind I'm gay.
They're like, OK.
You know?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] That's right-- they don't mind.
They don't--
Turns out--
They don't mind.
Turned out it was all OK.
They said, I'll put up with it-- that's all right.
That's not bad.
And here, 16 years later, or a full month on Neptune,
here you are.
Yeah, still here.
So you look great.
The last time I saw you was at your home,
and you had come home from doing a play and you had like a giant
beard going.
Oh, that was-- yeah, that was last year's beard.
I had a whole other beard this year.
It's all about the job-- oh, there you go.
Look at that.
Yeah, I didn't see that one.
Look at that.
That's me in my natural state playing-- number
one, my evil twin.
And number two, a malevolent internet maven.
It just looks like a bad guy, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Tough dude.
You do look like a bad guy there.
Now, why-- were you shooting something with that too or
you just wanted to keep iit and change the shade?
Oh, no.
No, dear lord, no.
When you have a beard like that, for about the first week--
I'm sorry you ladies can't grow beards-- outside of under here,
it's a shame.
But when you have a beard, it's great for about three weeks.
But then, you find yourself absent-mindedly
combing your chin with a fork at dinnertime.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You don't even think about it.
Hey babe, I got to tell you, I'm worried about the kids-- what
am I doing, it's disgusting.
You put it down.
So I'm glad to be clean shaved.
So it was for something you were shooting?
I was shooting a movie in New Mexico, yeah.
And did Rita like that beard?
She hates the beard.
Really?
Hates it.
And the first thing she said-- oh, there we are.
That's us at Stagecoach.
When I say, hey I read a--
I got a possibility for a gig here-- she says,
is there going to be a beard?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then, how long is this shoot and do you wrap
and how soon can you shave off the beard?
She's not wild about that.
Yeah.
Can we go back to that picture of you at Stagecoach with Rita?
Because, she performed there, right?
She did.
She--
How cool is that?
It was magnificent.
She and her band--
there she is.
Look at that.
On-stage.
What's great about that--
and I guess Coachella as well-- is there's music all day long.
And so you just, kind of, like go from one venue to the next.
And it was during the day, and I wanted to have--
well, I wanted to have a beer, Ellen.
I wanted to have a nice tasty--
Sure, it's daytime.
--bucket of suds.
And so I went to the place where you get the beer from.
And there were four ladies who were serving up--
and I stood up, and I said pull me a draw.
And they said, we can't because your ID has not been verified.
And I said, OK--
I'm so confused because it says beer for sale here.
And I've come to ask for a beer, and you're not
going to give one because-- what, you think I'm under age?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I had that beard--
I said, I'm 62 years old, and you know my name.
So I think I should be able to get a beer.
They said, no-- you have to go-- somewhere
over there is a stand, where you give them your ID
and you verify that you're old enough to have a beer.
That's ridiculous.
It was ridiculous, but I must give credit to these ladies--
they did not cave.
No.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was offering them tickets to stuff, and said I--
what do you-- come to--
you will come to the "Toy Story" premiere with me.
Just go like that with a red Solo cup underneath,
and let me walk away with a beer.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
And they would not--
they would not allow it.
And being the nice guy that you are,
Tom Hanks-- you didn't argue with him,
you just politely walked away.
Oh, I argued with them for 20 minutes.
Oh, OK.
All right.
I said, honestly, do you not have eyes.
I don't-- explain this to me, I don't understand.
My wife is performing in that tent, in like 15 minutes.
So the voice was raised and everything?
Oh, it got up there.
Yeah.
It scared them a little bit.
But they were just absolutely resolute.
And then, when they called their manager, she just--
she went like this-- she said--
I said, please-- and then, she said--
I can't.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She thought it was hilarious, too.
Also-- wow.
I didn't crack her.
You never got a beer?
They-- no, they got on the horn--
you know-- (MIMICKING CALL OVER TWO WAY RADIO) yeah, this is--
(MUMBLING) Tom Hanks.
And eventually, a guy came over, about a half hour later--
and he had a roll of red tape.
Which I said, oh, you know--
I could have gone to the Christmas shopping place
and done that.
Yeah.
And he gave me a bracelet, and then guess what I did?
I chugged me a brewski.
Good for you.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
You should've had two.