South Park may have friendly faces everywhere, but hidden within many of them are crimes that
range from petty to downright heinous. And today, they must answer for their
crimes. Who’s getting off easy, and who’s getting the harshest sentence? I’m Brad with
WickedBinge and today we’re Sentencing South Park Characters For Their Crimes.
Before we begin, we’ll be tackling this similar to how we did with our King of the Hill sentencing
video. Because South Park is such a long-running series, we will not be going through every single
one of these characters’ crimes. Instead, we will look at one notable series of crimes in
one episode or arc committed by each character. The charges given will be in accordance with the
laws of wherever the crime is committed, on a case-by-case basis. Since the show takes place
in Colorado, that’s where the reference points will be unless we say otherwise.
We’ll also determine whether or not to go easy on the kids or charge them
as adults. With all that out of the way, the WickedBinge court is now in session!
Let’s start this on a high note by bringing Eric Cartman to the stand. We will be looking
at none other than the fan favorite episode, “Scott Tenorman Must Die.” We think we all know
what happens here. Cartman pulls a super-elaborate scheme after Scott Tenorman scams him out of
$16.12 and humiliates him in public. The scheme involves tricking Scott into thinking that Mr.
Denkins’ pony was abandoned along with his ranch. However, his parents go to the ranch to check on
it, causing them to be shot to death by Denkins, who was protecting his property. This is already
one count of murder by proxy. Cartman will then be charged with one count of tampering with physical
evidence after he takes the body bags away while Denkins was giving his report to Officer Barbrady.
Finally, he makes Scott’s parents into chili and feeds them to him, which is enforced cannibalism.
We won’t be charging Cartman with this one as there aren’t any laws against it in the US,
shocking we know. As the proxy murder was premeditated, we’re treating this as first-degree
murder. In conclusion, Cartman will certainly get charged as an adult for this, and he will get life
in prison for the murder of Scott’s parents and a $100,000 fine for the tampering with evidence.
CRIMES: Murder, Tampering With Physical Evidence, Enforced Cannibalism
SENTENCE: Life Imprisonment + $100,000 Fine
Going from Cartman to his mortal enemy, we have Kyle Broflovski. In the episode,
“The Entity,” Kyle’s cousin Kyle comes into town and getting sick of him,
Kyle tries to get rid of him in a couple of ways. He first has him get on a sled, which he ties to
the back of a bus headed for Connecticut, which is one count of child abandonment and
endangerment each. He then commits trespassing by going into the airport’s security bypass,
and false imprisonment when he seals his cousin into a box and puts it on a plane headed for
Antarctica. Kyle’s cousin does live, as he comes back a few seasons later, and because
of that we’ll go easy on him. We decided that Kyle will receive three years in juvie.
CRIMES: Child Abandonment, Child Endangerment,
Trespassing, False Imprisonment SENTENCE: 3 Years In Juvie
On to Stan Marsh and the episode “Whale Whores.” In this episode, Stan joins the Whale Wars crew in
saving the whales and dolphins after the Japanese keep killing them. When the crew does nothing to
stop the whaling ships, Stan commits one act of piracy when he destroys one. With Stan as the new
captain, he destroys two more ships in the montage and it’s implied he destroyed a fourth when the
Japanese prime minister sees Stan in the paper. All of these also count as eco-terrorism. While
eco-terrorism would be hard to apply a sentence for in this instance, we will charge Stan as an
adult and give him a life sentence for piracy, as since 1909, the penalty for piracy in the US
was life imprisonment. While it was all for a good cause, it was still illegal nevertheless.
CRIMES: Eco-Terrorism, Piracy SENTENCE: 10 years in Prison
Rounding out the four main boys is Kenny McCormick. In the episode, “Poor and
Stupid,” Cartman becomes a NASCAR driver, and when his big day to ride on the track comes,
Kenny goes out to stop him. He tries to bring a sniper rifle into the stadium,
which was definitely obtained illegally, and also adds an attempted first-degree murder charge.
If he got away with the murder we would charge Kenny as an adult, but since he didn’t he will
be sentenced to 10 years in juvy. Now let’s just hope his time there won’t lead to another death…
CRIMES: Illegal Possession of A Firearm,
Attempted First-Degree Murder SENTENCE: 10 Years In Juvie
Butters Stotch committing a crime? He’s the definition of innocent! What did he possibly do?
Well let’s look to the episode, “Butters’ Bottom B***h.” After he pays Sally five dollars to give
him his first kiss, he later makes an entire company, recruiting more girls to fill in for
Sally during times when she isn’t available. The girls start to make the money for him,
and he even hires full-on prostitutes. Since he is living off the girls’ earnings,
this is considered pimping. We will only be giving Butters a slap on the wrist for this... This was
done out of sheer naivete, but when his parents find out: he will definitely be grounded.
CRIME: Pimping SENTENCE: Grounded
Alright, for our first adult character, we have none other than Randy Marsh. In,
“Band In China,” Randy gets arrested in China when his weed is discovered in his suitcase. Later,
Randy teams up with Mickey Mouse to try and reason with the government when both their
brands in the country are compromised. However, they don’t budge because they
are both associated with Winnie the Pooh. In order to show the government they understand,
Randy lures Pooh into an alleyway and strangles him to death. For this single
charge of first-degree murder, Randy will be sentened to death as in China,
it is the highest penalty for murder. Typically death sentences in China are carried out via
lethal injection or shooting, so we will be seeing Randy go out in one of those two ways.
CRIME: First-Degree Murder SENTENCE: Death Penalty
Mr. Herbert Garrison is easily the most interesting case we got here. He’s president
in “The Pandemic Special,” and he refuses to do anything about COVID when it reaches America.
His reasoning is that he’ll use it to follow through on his promise to get rid of all the
Mexicans. Not only is this attempted genocide but also biological terrorism, as well as indirect
mass murder. Towards the end of the special, the pangolin containing the cure is brought to South
Park and just when everyone thought the pandemic would be over, Garrison comes to not only burn
the pangolin alive with a flamethrower, but the scientist holding it as well. These add
additional charges of first-degree murder and animal slaughter. Even though what he did was
a clear violation of human rights, Garrison will only get life in prison as opposed to the death
penalty. Because his crimes are so severe, he would go before the International Criminal
Court at The Hague, and life is their maximum sentence. As we said, quite an interesting case.
CRIMES: Indirect Mass Murder, Biological Terrorism, Attempted Genocide, First-Degree
Murder, Animal Slaughter SENTENCE: Life Imprisonment
Now let's move on to Mr. Mackey, mkay. At the beginning of the episode, “Ike’s Wee Wee,”
Mackey is teaching the kids about the dangers of drugs. During the lecture, he gives a sample of
marajuana to the class for them to sniff. This counts as contributing to the delinquency of a
minor. However, since this was for educational purposes, we will go easy on Mr. Mackey and give
him a misdemeanor charge, which will sentence him to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.
CRIME: Giving Drugs To Minors SENTENCE: 1 Year In Jail + $1,000 Fine
Going back to the kid characters, we next have Jimmy Valmer. In “Up The Down Steroid,” Jimmy
uses steroids to gain an upper hand in the Special Olympics, which we all know is illegal. Later in
the episode, he beats both his girlfriend and his mother, which are two counts of assault.
We decided to count it as first-degree assault (aka assault with a deadly weapon) because
Jimmy’s crutches technically count as weapons in this instance. We think it’s appropriate
to sentence Jimmy to three months in juvie and some rehab and anger management classes.
CRIMES: Possession of Anabolic Steroids, First-Degree Assault
SENTENCE: 3 Months In Juvie + Rehab + Anger Management
Funnily enough, we now have Jimmy’s best friend, Timmy Burch. However, they weren’t always friends,
as we saw in the episode, “Cripple Fight.” There are a couple instances of violence against Jimmy.
Timmy first gives him Kenny’s parka as a gift, knowing that it could very well get him killed.
Since everything from a safe, to Jimbo and Ned, to a whole plane almost kill him this
is a murder by proxy charge. Timmy and Jimmy later get into a fight, which is first-degree
assault. Like Cartman with his murder by proxy charge, we’ll be treating Timmy’s as first-degree
murder. In the end, Timmy will be sentenced to a year in juvie and some anger management.
CRIMES: Attempted Murder By Proxy, Second-Degree Assault
SENTENCE: 1 Year In Juvie + Anger Management
Next is the only female character we’ll be covering, Wendy Testaburger. At the end
of the episode, “Breast Cancer Show Ever,” Wendy (satisfyingly) beats up Cartman after
he spends almost the entire episode mocking breast cancer. This is one count of assault
and battery in the second-degree, and we’ll add another count of disturbing the peace,
as everyone in the playground was minding their own business before the incident. At
the end of the day, she will be charged with six months in juvie and anger management.
CRIMES: Second-Degree Assault and Battery, Disturbing the Peace
SENTENCE: 6 Months in Juvie + Anger Management
Now we’ll be charging rivals-turned-lovers Tweek Tweak and Craig Tucker together because they
committed the same crime together in the aptly named, “Tweek vs. Craig.” Here, the boys instigate
a fight between the two, and they fight once in the playground leading into shop class, and
a second time in the hospital. They will both be charged with two counts of second-degree assault,
one for each fight. However, as the fight was instigated by the boys and
not done on their own volition, we’ll only be giving them a one-week school suspension.
CRIME: Second-Degree Assault SENTENCE: One-Week School Suspension
We started on a high note, and we’ll end on a high note with PC Principal. In his
introductory episode, “Stunning and Brave,” he commits a crime before even uttering a word,
albeit petty: he takes a drink and throws the bottle on the ground, which is of course
littering. He next violently beats up Cartman in the bathroom for using “microaggressions,”
which adds a second-degree assault and battery charge. Next, PC Principal’s fraternity engages
in plenty of hazing such as branding pledges with hot metal and forcing fellow brothers to drink
excessive amounts of alcohol. Hazing is illegal in many states, with Colorado being one of them,
and with PC being the head of the fraternity he is more than criminally responsible for it. Finally,
to shame Kyle for insulting Caitlyn Jenner, he orders several of his brothers to break into his
room while he is asleep, tie him to a tree, draw penises on his face and shave his hair,
adding assault and burglary charges, albeit indirect. Finally, hate crime charges can
also be added as pigs are put into his room, and they are considered non-Kosher animals
in the Jewish religion. For these charges, PC Principal will be getting 20 years in prison.
CRIMES: Littering, Second-Degree Assault and Battery, Hazing,
Indirect Second-Degree Assault, Indirect
First-Degree Burglary, Indirect Hate Crime SENTENCE: 20 Years In Prison + $500,770 Fine
But let us know in the comment section if you agree with our
ranking. And tell us what we should cover next. Remember to hit that notification
bell and binge more of our videos. But most importantly, stay wicked.