There is a universe. No-one knows it's name,
where gravity wasn't strong enough to bind matter together,
and no stars formed.
And because no stars formed, no stars exploded.
And because no stars exploded, no planets came about.
And because no planets came about, there was no life.
There's another universe. No-one knows it's name,
where gravity was strong enough and did light the stars and planets came about and boy, they were gorgeous,
planets in perpetual winter,
planets in perpetual summer,
planets that could rival the Garden of Eden
and no bloody snakes!
And on one of them, eventually, complex life evolved
and one of the species developed large brains
and learned things like manners and dabing,
and they looked up at the stars and wondered what they were doing here.
You call them octopuses, I suppose.
Gosh, they were clever, (for octopuses),
And one of them, several million years in,
almost wrote something in ink on the sea floor,
a message to its friend.
And the message almost read;
"Hi! How are you?"
And a few millennia later, space folded back on itself and,
you get the idea.
Goodbye octopi.
There's another universe where life formed on every planet
in every solar system, and it was carbon based,
it was silicone based
and it was made of crystals and water and plasma,
it was made of quantum fields and light,
and everything was alive, everything was doing a boogie,
and it was everybody's birthday, everyday
(relatively)
and everyone got presents,
and they had over a trillion languages,
some written down, some only spoken, some conducted telepathically,
and they built a galactic civilisation together,
as a perfect unity,
sharing stories, sharing technology, speaking a common tongue,
understanding everything about how the cosmos had been put together.
And finally, when everything was sorted,
the galaxies were arranged into perfect geometric formations,
transmitting pure love, and wisdom, and birthday greetings
to all species in the universe, for all time.
Paper cuts never happened,
coke came in glass bottles,
no-one even remembered the word for war,
everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.
And yet, for a quirk in their evolution,
because resources weren't scarce enough on the planets these species developed on,
not a single creature in the universe was conscious.
Food was eaten, and no-one enjoyed it.
Movies were released, and there was no laughing, or crying.
No-one chuckled at a joke.
Ever.
Space collapsed back on itself, eventually,
and there hadn't been a single moment of sentience
in the entire history of creation.
There's another universe, where the strong force is too strong and the weak force is too weak
and nothing forms.
Another, where life develops too late and the stars have all gone beyond the light boundry
and there's nothing to even see.
Another with too many dimensions.
Another with not enough.
Another where time goes in the opposite direction,
and species begin as gods, and wind backwards to cells,
and never learn to survive.
Another that only lasts milliseconds,
and collapses in on itself,
and heads straight back
to oblivion.
And that's how it just might be,
across all possible universes,
across all possible spacetimes.
Problems with the laws of nature,
not enough resources,
missteps in evolution.
An atlas of dead-ends.
Then again, there is one exception.
There's another universe,
a big one,
where life is rare,
where intelligent life is very rare indeed,
the stars are very distant from each other,
the laws of nature are very complex,
it's extremely lonely for any species developing,
and most never even develop at all,
but somewhere,
we believe,
is a planet where the oceans are vast,
and the climate is varied.
Where the smartest species on the planet may have developed just the right mix of ambition and kindness.
And if you were to travel there,
to this unbelievably rare statistical anomaly,
to this impossibly lucky planet,
where evolution,
biology,
chemistry,
nae, the laws of physics themselves
have come together to create sentient intelligent life,
you may be able to catch the native inhabitants
singing for joy.
The one impossibly lucky, and rare position they find themselves in.
It is a chant of gratitude,
a ritual of showing appreciation for ending up in perhaps the one universe,
in the one solar system,
on the one planet with all the basic ingredients for intelligent, conscious life
it is a hymn for Goldilocks,
sung at all times of the day,
in every language,
on every continent.
And it sounds something like...
*notification sound*
*buzz buzz*
*notification sound*
*buzz buzz*
*notification sound*
*constant notifications*
FFFFFFFFFF
FUUUUCK