[ Cheers and applause ]
-When Donald Trump first took to office, little did he know.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
'Course -- Of course, Donald Trump ran on a campaign
saying that he wanted to build a wall.
I think that's his one good idea,
because walls work.
[ Light laughter ] It's irrefutable.
I was in China last year -- I didn't see one Mexican.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
I would -- I would think about adoption.
I don't have kids, but if I had kids,
I think I would have them adopted.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
I had a very awkward moment onstage
where someone from right in the back of the room shouted,
"Are you ever going to have children?!"
I said, "It's a perfectly reasonable question.
I don't want to make you feel bad for asking,
but my girlfriend and I actually can't have children..."
[ Audience aws ]
"...the way we do it."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Does anyone in the room believe in the supernatural --
ghosts, spirts, and the like -- anyone?
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted.
It isn't. [ Laughter ]
Grow up.
Uh. [ Laughter ]
10% of women have cried in a store fitting room.
I guess they weren't expecting to see me in there.
[ Laughter ]
People worry about their physical appearance.
We all have silly hang-ups.
Personally, I worry that one of my balls is bigger
than the other two.
[ Laughter ]
I think you know you're getting old.
I feel that I'm getting old.
I was watching porn last week, and I found myself thinking,
"That bed looks comfy."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter continues ]
If my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral,
she would be spinning in her ditch.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
[ Laughs ]
People ask, what's the most important thing
in a relationship?
And I think trust.
Because if you're with a woman and you don't 100% trust her,
how do you know she's not going to tell your wife?
[ Laughter ]
Have you all had the sexual-history conversation?
It's the conversation that happens
about maybe six months into a relationship
when things are getting a little bit serious.
And it tends to be the woman will ask the man.
She'll say, "I'd like to know about your sexual history."
And the man will think, "No, you wouldn't."
[ Laughter ]
But in my experience, the woman doesn't ask once
and then move on if you do not want to answer.
She keeps on asking and asking and asking,
till, eventually, you feel like you have you to give an answer.
It's what happened with me. I was cornered.
I had to list everyone I'd ever been with,
from the girl I lost my virginity to,
right the way up to her.
And that is where I should have stopped.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy
was to have two women at the same time,
and she agreed.
But then she was livid when I told her
she wasn't either of them.
[ Audience ohhs ]
[ Light laughter ]
A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually.
I'm not going to go into detail.
Suffice it to say, I...arrived early.
[ Light laughter ] And my girlfriend said,
"Don't worry -- that happens to a lot of men."
I said, "Right, couple of things --
firstly, who are these a lot of men?"
[ Laughter ] "And secondly,
if it's happening to more than one of us,
don't you think it could be your fault?"
[ Audience ohhs ]
[ Laughter ]
I had a relationship with a blind girl,
which was rewarding, but challenging.
It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let's -- Let's hear it from all the ladies in the room.
Give us a shout, all the ladies in the room.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, you sound in very good spirits, ladies.
Do you think you're easy to live with, ladies?
[ Women cheer ]
Well, this is gonna be educational and fun.
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna tell you how easy you are to live with
just with a couple of quick questions.
Ladies, just answer honestly.
Have you ever met, ladies, a gay man?
-Yes. -Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ] -You've all met gay men.
Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men tend to be?
-Yes. -Yes.
-How joyful and full of life those gay dudes tend to be?
[ Laughter ]
What's missing from their lives?
[ Laughter ]
You.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I've been Jimmy Carr. That's my time.
Thank you. [ Cheers and applause continue ]
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversation ]
-Jimmy Carr! [ Cheers and applause continue ]
Check out his comedy special,
"The Best of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits,"
available now on Netflix!