Hey there. Summer's ending and well
before there was HBO telling us that winter is coming,
Labor Day's been reminding us all along that fall
is also afoot, so sit back, grab a cold one
and get in a position to digest all that grilled meat
you've been shoving down your gullet
because I'm about to tell you the story of Labor Day.
You probably don't know that Labor Day
is supposed to be a celebration of labor unions
and it currently ranks as our fourth favorite celebration
of unions behind spaghetti and meatballs, ladies and tramps
and any relationship Jennifer Aniston's in.
Some say it's not even a real holiday,
it's just a day off created by the picnic table industry
to remind us that they are the reason salads
can still be made of jello.
My mom considers Labor Day to be the 29 hours
she spent given birth
to the biggest head that doctor had ever seen.
Labor Day is not unique to America.
Some countries call it an May Day,
which to me just seems noncommittal.
Canada has Labor Day, but they spell it with a U.
Any good American knows that there is no I in team
and there should be no U in labor.
Some think PC culture has gotten so out of control
that you're not even allowed to be white after Labor Day.
That's misinformation. It's okay to be white.
You're just not allowed to do it while looking like a douche bag.
To be honest, I'm not sure anyone really knows
why you can't wear white after Labor Day.
Some historians think it might've been rules made
by old money people to differentiate themselves
from new money people,
which brings us back to the whole douche bag thing.
You may not know, but it wasn't always a three-day weekend.
When Labor Day started, there were no weekends.
The work week was 12 hours a day, seven days a week,
and the only way your week ended involved at casket
and a religious ceremony.
How did this celebration of labor unions
turn into what is basically an excuse
to pair a bottle of Rosie with a T-bone steak?
Probably the same way the celebration of the wedding union
turned into television's The Bachelorette.
The first Labor Day in 1882 was actually a work strike
and that they all felt so good
that they thought we've got to do this more often.
Kids, this Labor Day we'll have to go to bed earlier
since school has started up,
but on that first Labor Day, kids had to go to bed early
because work started up at the mines
or as they called it in the 1800s, second grade.
I'm sure it would make the workers back
then proud as they fought the Pullman rail company
to pay them livable wages.
That one day there would be the added
bonus of terrific deals on patio furniture.
We've come a long way from the time
when people fought for Labor Day
because they barely had room to cook,
sleep or use the restroom. Now our houses are huge.
Our grills and mattresses are priced to sell,
and our potties are poured out.
Maybe nobody remembers the squalor
that sparked the Pullman strike,
but we will remember that Bill Pullman
was in the movie Independence Day.
To be fair, most of you all think Labor Day
is just a sequel to that holiday anyway.
Fact is, lots of things have changed for the better
since Labor Day was made a national holiday
by Grover Cleveland,
who I was surprised learn is a U.S. President,
not a regional Sesame Street character.
A couple of things will never change.
The first, a lot of you all will never be able
to tell the difference between Labor Day and Memorial Day.
The second thing that will never change, Bill Pullman.
That man's a national treasure.
Happy Labor Day, America, but especially, Bill Pullman.