[Disclaimer read by Larry]
[Please leave these captions clean for anyone who needs them. Funny extras can be added to English (Canada).]
DENDE: I can't see shit!
POPO: I told you before, you have to--
DENDE: Clear my mind of all other thoughts. Yeah, primo advice.
Might as well ask me to herd *star-knoss*...
POPO: I'm going to assume those are similar to *cats*.
DENDE: Oh, no, they eat cats...
Exclusively.
Me-Dammit, I want to watch this stupid fight!
POPO: Tell me - what thoughts are clouding your mind?
"GOHAN" [in Dende's head]: Hey, Dende. Could you put this lotion on my back and/or butt?
DENDE: Mmm... God stuff.
POPO: Well, worry not. All we really need is a little green.
DENDE: I specifically told you not to call me that.
POPO: I'm not~
DENDE: Yo...
[DBZ Theme]
JIMMY: My God...
What feats of incomparable skill and might!
What feats of incomparable skill and might! What power!
What feats of incomparable skill and might! What power! What *speed*!
What feats of incomparable skill and might! What power! What *speed*! What. A. *Battle*!--
Is what I'd be saying if they were in the ring...
Where are they?
LARRY: Maybe they're moving at speeds too fast for the human eye?
I could try using the high shutter camera...
MR. SATAN: Jerry, you're a terrific camera guy, but a *lousy* martial artist.
Nobody's that fast! They're just using camouflage - like the Predator!
Or Harry Potter.
JIMMY: ...Harry Potter, sir?
MR. SATAN: My daughter's a big fan.
CELL: Good, Goku, very good. This is exactly what I've been looking for!
Oh, you know... when I became perfect, I was a little scared.
Scared that I'd never be able to test these abilities.
Like a master surgeon without a patient.
GOKU: Or a grill without a burger.
CELL: Yes, you get it, Goku! And that's why we're here today.
You are the only one who can complete me; compete with me!
All the others? Ah, they mean nothing!
This tournament, this ring; they're all for you.
So we could have our perfect battle.
GOKU: Well, honestly, you didn't need to go this far. I'm just here for a fight.
CELL: God, that's what I adore about you. You're so simple!
That's what nobody else understands...
Now then... how about we slip into something more... comfortable?
GOKU: Wait, I'm confused... are you asking me to get naked?
'Cause I'm not gonna say no, but I shouldn't say yes...
Oh crap, guy--!
EVERYONE ELSE: YAAAAAA--!!
KRILLIN: Heh, looks like there's a *hole* in the *ring*!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha--!
GOHAN: ...Really?
KRILLIN: Let me cope!
MR. SATAN: (Whimpering) JIMMY: Th-tha-thank you for saving us, M-M-Mister, uh...
JIMMY: Th-tha-thank you for saving us, M-M-Mister, uh...
ANDROID 16: Sixteen.
Android 16.
JIMMY: Anything you'd like to say to the audience?
16: I want to murder Son Goku.
JIMMY: Well, you heard it here first, folks.
RANDOM VIEWER: Yeah, f**k Goku!
CELL: I'd feel worse about all the time I spent making our perfect ring, but now that it's gone...
we can *fight unabated*!
GOKU: Chi-Chi told me that makes you grow hair on your eyes.
CELL: Killing you will be the hardest thing I ever enjoy.
LARRY [off-screen]: Sir, what's our life insurance policy?
JIMMY: Same as our ethics policy!
LARRY: Then I'm real glad I don't have a family!
CELL: Huh?
KRILLIN: Huh... what's he doing up there? Ooh, you think he's going for a Solar Flare?
GOKU: Kaaaa...!
PICCOLO: That's *not* how the Solar Flare works!
CELL: He-- he can't be serious...
GOKU: ...Meeeee...!
TRUNKS: Gettin' Dad flashbacks here!
GOKU: ...HAAAA...!
CELL: Hu, hu-ha-ha-ha, I see!
Yes, Goku! You're absolutely *right*!
This *is* the only way it can end!
This tournament,
This tournament, these fools,
This tournament, these fools, this *planet*...!
This tournament, these fools, this *planet*...! They mean *nothing* to men like you and I!
We will go out together... in a ball of molten *rock* and *death*!
GOKU: ...MEEEE...!
KRILLIN: GOKU, *NO*!!
CELL: *YEESSSS*~!!
{POP}
...Oh...
...Oh... crapbask*eeeEEEE*--!!!
GOKU: ...*HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*!!!
JIMMY: Larry! Are you alive?!
LARRY: Somehow, sir.
JIMMY [o-s]: Then *get back out there*, Larry!
YAMCHA: Ha! Well those guys with the camera better stop rolling,
'cause looks like Cell's going topless! Hu-ha!
TENSHINHAN: You know, just because everyone somehow survived this...
I'm gonna let you have that.
VEGETA [o-s]: I won't; you suck!
YAMCHA: Oh...
JIMMY: God as my witness...
It looks like that orange hillbilly has exploded the top of Cell!
Mr. Satan, do you have *any* explanations?
MR. SATAN: Well, if I were a bettin' man
- and I am, it's a serious problem -
they *combined* the lasers *and* the mirrors *with C4 charges*--
JIMMY: And switched the body out in the ensuing chaos!
MR. SATAN [o-s]: *Now* you're thinking like a Satanist, Jimmy.
GOKU: Awesome. Hey Krillin, can I get a ten-count?
KRILLIN: You got it, Goku!
ONE!
[Slide Whistle]
Twoooo...!
CELL: All right, time! Timeout! Time *right* the hell out!
GOKU: How did you--?
CELL: You weren't here for this, but TL;DR...
Piccolo's cells.
PICCOLO: Okay, I am... 90% sure I can't do that.
CELL: We'll figure *that* out later.
In the meantime, what I really want to know is how *you* keep popping in and out of reality!
GOKU: Oh, that's just my Instant Transmission.
CELL: And don't tell me, is that another technique you stole?
GOKU: No... kinda...
I got it from eating sick aliens...
CELL: That's disgusting.
GOKU: *You eat people all the time*!
CELL: Yes. And I'm a monster.
GOHAN: Yeah, with all our stolen DNA.
CELL: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN, *DADS*!
JIMMY: Mr. Satan, can you make heads or tails of this?
Because right now, I'm more confused than a homeless man under house arrest!
MR. SATAN: First of all; I find that offensive.
JIMMY: Why?
MR. SATAN: Secondly, uh...
I don't want to give away *all* the trade secrets! Otherwise, what would be left for the kids, Jimmy?
What would be left for the *kids*?
JIMMY [on TV]: Pragmatism at its finest, Mr. Satan.
BULMA: Hey, I'm here. Sorry I'm so late; I had to pick up Trunks from Daycare.
ROSHI: Ahh... you brought the baby...
BULMA: Is that a problem?
ROSHI: Uhh--... naw, it's fine.
TURTLE: He is legally obligated to inform you that he is--
ROSHI: Turtle, I've watched her poop! She knows what I'm about.
CELL: I'll admit, Goku, I'm impressed.
A blast that strong should've wiped you, but here you are, still swinging away at me!
GOKU: Cell...
if I gained *anything* in the days leading up to this tournament,
it was endurance.
CHI-CHI: AAH-TUUH!
OX KING: What did you do to him??
CHI-CHI: What *didn't* I do to him?
OX KING: You're just like your mother.
PICCOLO: This is bad. The last time I saw Goku this winded, he was having a heart attack.
He can't keep this up.
TRUNKS: Wait! What about the Senzu Beans?
You know - the magical beans that...
heal all wounds and...
restore your... stamina...?
Okay, guys, if you're bothered by cheating, either loosen your moral code or stop hinging the fate of the world on *deathmatches*!
VEGETA: I can't believe you're my son.
TRUNKS: Hey, you said it, not me.
VEGETA: Kakarot isn't *like you*; he's a full-blooded Saiyan warrior!
He'd throw that Senzu Bean back in your face, because it's not the world that's at stake...
TRUNKS: I'm pretty sure it is--
VEGETA: ...It's his *Saiyan pride*!
He'll see this fight to the end without any of our help.
Even if it *kills* him.
GOKU: I give up.
VEGETA: *I'LL KILL HIM*!!
CELL: I'm sorry, I'm rather high up here.
What did you just say, Goku?!
GOKU: I give up! You win! Great fight!
GOHAN: Wait, what is he doing?
PICCOLO: Well, this is your father, so he's either saving all of our lives or dooming us all.
CELL: But we're not finished.
*I'm* not finished!
This isn't a victory; this is... I don't even know *what* this is!
GOKU: Nah, it's totally a victory. 'Cause I'm giving up. That means you win.
CELL: Every word you just spoke has made me violently angry (!) VEGETA: Every word you just spoke has made me violently angry (!)
OH, GREAT! NOW I'M AGREEING WITH VEGETA! OH, GREAT! NOW I'M AGREEING WITH CELL!
LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!
GOKU: Cell, you knew what this was...
Just a fight. Nothing more.
CELL: You bitch (!)
If you seriously concede, I'll...
I'll just blow up the Earth like I said!
So unless you want me to turn this whole planet into an *asteroid field*, *Kakarot*,
GET BACK UP HERE AND PUNCH ME IN MY PERFECT JAWLINE!!
GOKU: Hold your horses, Cell. You said this was a tournament.
There's still a fighter left to take you on, so you'll have to fight him first.
CELL: Oh...? Oh, ohoho, I see...
This is a *prank*!
My God, I honestly never figured you for a prankster, Goku, but you *son of a bitch*, ya *got* me!
Okay, who is it? Is it the Prince?
No, it couldn't be; I don't even take my *own* sloppy seconds.
The boy?
Hardly; he looks like he's about ready to crush coal into diamonds with his sphincter.
Oh, could it be Tenshinhan? Please tell me it's Tenshinhan.
YAMCHA: Man, it's like a hate boner triangle.
GOKU: Nope-a-rino! The fighter I've selected...
the fighter who will finally put your terror to an end, is~...
Mr. Satan! Get out here, you!
MR. SATAN [o-s]: DIARRHEA!
GOKU: Well, shoot. Original plan, then.
Gohan, get out here!
GOHAN: I'm sorry, we're a little high up here. What did he just say, Mr. Piccolo?
PICCOLO: I think he just said--
CELL: *Gohan*?
Out of the entire list, you pick...
Out of the entire list, you pick... *him*?!
He wasn't even *on the list*!
*YAMCHA was on the list*!
YAMCHA: Wait, why was I--?!
CELL: Half-time entertainment!
YAMCHA: Frankly, I'm just happy to be included.
GOKU: Alright, Gohan. He's all yours. Have fun!
GOHAN: Dad, I'm going to have to politely ask you to back the HFIL up.
What...
What... in Dende's name...
What... in Dende's name... are you *doing*?
GOKU: I'm sending in the strongest fighter we got.
*This* is what you trained for.
GOHAN: T-That's what *you* trained for! *I* was never supposed to fight! I was just there to make you stronger!
GOKU: Oh Gohan, you're just being insincere.
PICCOLO: Insecure; and *no, he's not*! HE'S ELEVEN YEARS OLD!
KRILLIN: Goku, we're not going to tell you how to be a parent right now--
PICCOLO [o-s]: I AM!!
KRILLIN: --but how do you think *Chi-Chi* is going to react to this?
CHI-CHI: *I am going to castrate him*...! OX-KING: (Wheezing in fright)
OX-KING: (Wheezing in fright)
GOKU: Guys, trust me on this one. I spent a *whole year* training him last week.
So get out there, Gohan! You got this.
GOHAN: Do I even have a choice?
GOKU: 'Course you do!
You either go out there and kill him, or the planet gets exploded.
GOHAN: That's not a choice, *that's* an ultimatum.
GOKU: Gohan... we *both* know I don't know what that word means.
GOHAN: Obviously not.
Haaa, OK, fine, I'll go fight Cell...
I've never been wished back by the Dragon, so hey, this'll be a learning experience...
GOKU: Gohan, wait. Before you go...
GOHAN: What?
GOKU: ...you're so much stronger than you think you are.
GOHAN: Yeah, well, let's see what Cell thinks.
JIMMY: My *goodness*!
The orange hillbilly, previously reported to BEAT HIS WIFE,
has resigned himself, and *sent his own child to fight Cell*!
CHI-CHI: ...With a BUTTER KNIFE, you son of a BITCH!
I'll tie you to a chair first, and gag you with a GODDAMN DAIKON RADISH!
CELL: So, the biggest, most important fight of my life walks away, and sends in the world's strongest bookworm!
Fine. Goku, I'll play along with this little joke.
But I want you to know - while I'm busy *pounding your son*...
I'll be thinking of you the entire time.
GOHAN: 'Thinking about it, I might actually have the advantage here.'
'He took as much of a beating as Dad did, if not more.'
'And after spending a year with Dad in that Time Chamber, I'm at least as strong as he is now.'
'And then, if I play it carefully, I could actually win this!'
GOKU: Oh - hey Krillin? Can you bean me real quick?
KRILLIN: Oh sure, here.
GOKU: Thanks, friend. Hey, Cell!
CELL: Hmm?
GOKU: Senzu Bean!
KRILLIN: Huh?
*NO*!!
PICCOLO: *WHAT*!?!
YAMCHA: *WHY*!?!
GOKU: What? I'm just playing fair. He's tired. He's got post-Goku exhaustion.
GOHAN: *Dad*! He is going to *kill me*!!
CELL: Hey, you said it, not me.
OH, THAT'S THAT *GOOD SHIT*!
Suck it kale, you bush-league super food.
GOHAN: 'Well, war of attrition is out; so, deep end it is...'
HAAAAAAAAAA...!
PICCOLO: Which one was it, Goku?
*Which concussion did you suffer* that made you think *ANY* of this was a good idea!?!
GOKU: Piccolo, just watch.
You're going to see amazing things out there.
PICCOLO: What's amazing about watching your 11-year-old son get murdered?(!)
GOKU: Gohan might be 11 years old, but he's also like, I dunno, a hundred times *stronger* than I was at that age!
PICCOLO [o-s]: Goku...
GOKU: He's been keeping pace with us since he was a baby.
I mean, you should know. You kidnapped him.
PICCOLO [o-s]: *Goku*...
GOKU: And after spending that year alone with him, I know more than *anyone* that he's going to--
PICCOLO: GOKU!
GOKU: What!?
CELL: Thinkin' o' you, Goku!
[DBZ Abridged Ending Theme]
JIMMY [on TV]: ...previously reported to BEAT HIS WIFE, has resigned himself, and *sent his own child to fight Cell*!
JIMMY [on TV]: ...previously reported to BEAT HIS WIFE, has resigned himself, and *sent his own child to fight Cell*! VIDEL: Hm... sweet hair.
VIDEL: Hm... sweet hair.
If you were looking for the funny version, you should have clicked "English (Canada)"...
...instead of watching the whole video like I did...
...*just* to be disappointed that you missed the caption telling you to do so...
...because you went to get a drink or something... (like I did)
{Just a heads up ಥ⌣ಥ}