-Hey, everybody, welcome to Corrections.
I was told if I really want this to be
in serious consideration for an Emmy,
I should be cheerier,
that it's maybe too surly.
So I'm gonna make that effort today.
I said it's "mash-inations."
It's actually pronounced "mack-inations."
So thank you!
[ Laughter ]
We referenced an M.C. Escher painting.
We were told he did lithographs, not paintings,
but he did do one painting that he made look
exactly like a lithograph.
Classic Escher!
[ Light laughter ]
We made a joke in the monologue
before the first round of the NFL draft
congratulating the 31 players
who were not selected by the New York Jets.
Then it turned out the Jets had three first-round picks,
so there were only 29 survivors.
The Jets draft was lauded by many
as being an excellent draft.
And some people said,
"Hey, you better be careful. The Jets are good now."
And it is true. They always say
you never want to see the Jets on your schedule in May.
[ Laughter ]
I said that Marshalls has changing rooms.
They're fitting rooms.
I can see why those of you who engage with this
would hate hearing me say "changing rooms,"
as Jackals are incapable of change.
[ Laughter ]
All right, Rudy Giuliani -- it was Monday's Closer Look.
We were real happy when we saw it.
I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes things happen.
Sometimes things that happen in the news
makes you real sad, and you don't even want to
go to work and talk about it.
Other times, Rudy Giuliani makes a video of himself
on a golf course talking about how he's got new Cameo --
you know, get a message from him on Cameo --
swings a golf club back and forth like a weirdo.
Pretty happy to come into work.
We showed this.
We said he looked like a metronome.
And I like to give credit where credit's due.
One of you said, "That's a picture of a metronome
and a New York metro gnome."
[ Laughter ]
Very well done.
All I can say to whoever wrote that is,
stop hanging out with those Jackals.
You're better than them.
Seeing a joke like that in the cesspool --
it's like -- it's like watching Matt Damon
solve the math problem in "Good Will Hunting."
[ Light laughter ]
We made a joke about how airplane toilets
are so powerful you could flush a toaster down one.
And someone who works on an airline flight crew said,
"That's not true.
Please don't tell people to do that."
And so on behalf of hardworking flight crews everywhere,
don't do that.
And if you do, don't say you heard it from us.
[ Laughter ]
We -- oh, by the way, tap water.
Mmm, that's good, I think.
We showed a letter from Eminem.
You all said he misspelled "found" -- "founf."
So I reached out to him.
I followed up with -- 'cause he wrote it.
And they said, "The jackals are upset
you put two 'F's in 'found,'"
and he said, "It wasn't a mistake.
The second 'F' is a reminder
that they can go [bleep] themselves."
His words.
[ Laughter ]
Uh...
Samberg --
Every day we've been talking about Andy Samberg.
We haven't been talking about him every day.
So back off.
He does the spelling bee,
"The New York Times" spelling bee, every day,
and he gets Queen Bee, which is all the words.
One of you said, "No, it's not all the words.
There's just a cutoff point, and once you get that,
you're Queen Bee, and you can keep going if you want."
You've confused Queen Bee with Genius.
Genius means, yes, you can stop, but there are more to go."
Andy gets Queen Bee. He gets all the words.
And I think the fact that he gets that every day
is the clearest possible reminder to anyone
that they're not filming new episodes
of "Brooklyn Nine-Nine."
[ Light laughter ]
Time for our weekly disappointment.
I mean, I have no faith, but...
[ Line ringing ]
It builds tension.
It's like "Better Call Saul."
[ Laughter ]
[ Ringing continues ]
I just wish he'd set his phone
to, like, not answer faster.
All right.
FaceTime unavailable.
Well, thanks for racing to tell me.
Let's see what else. You know what?
I got other friends.
[ Laughter ]
[ Line ringing ]
Could be calling anyone.
Be a real bummer if two people didn't answer.
Looks like that's how it's gonna go, though.
Because if I preset the calls, the magic's over.
All right.
Where were we? Oh, we had a -- [ Cellphone dings ]
Okay, here's Andy.
"I'm naked. Just got out of the shower.
Tell them I got Queen Bee."
[ Laughter ]
We had a joke that a dog's personality
had nothing to do with its breed.
That was the setup. There was a new study
that a dog's personality had nothing to do with its breed.
And then our punchline in the monologue was,
"For example, a different collie pushed Timmy into the well."
Well, there were some "Lassie" fans
who know the canon.
And I was told at no point did Timmy ever fall into the well...
...in "Lassie."
In 1955, there was an episode called "The Well,"
and if there was any episode for Timmy to take the plunge,
you'd expect to be that one.
But according to the IMDB episode guide,
"An unscrupulous water company executive
trying to acquire by any means water rights from the Miller
and other farms is pushed into an old well by Lassie
when he mistreats Jeff."
There you go. Our joke was closer to the truth.
Jeff was the previous owner, before Timmy.
Then there was a two-part episode
that aired in 1971 titled "For the Love of Lassie."
The well returned, and according to IMDB,
"Lassie returns to the Braddock ranch
where she left one of her pups while playing.
Lassie falls down an abandoned well.
The Braddocks begin to dig to get the heroic collie out
but are needing help.
Part two -- according to IMDB again --
"While the Braddocks work diligently
with concerned town folks to rescue their beloved dog,
Lassie, still at the bottom of the well,
comes face to face with the corpse
of an unscrupulous water company executive
who, though long dead, manages to utter the words,
'Remember me?'"
[ Light laughter ]
I would say it would be traumatic for Lassie
to fall into a well 16 years after pushing someone
into the same well.
But here's the good news --
not the same Lassie.
[ Laughter ]
You guys know how dogs work, right?
Hey! [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
And in my digging -- my research, as it were --
I think I can call it research.
I feel like I put as much research
into each episode of Corrections
as anyone who comes to the conclusion
that ivermectin's the cure.
Not nothing.
You know, but I didn't go, like, finish vet school.
Oh, yeah. So, Lassie --
here's -- this just on the trivia page of IMDB,
where, you know, I stumbled looking for my well answer.
[ Laughter ]
Tap water.
[ Laughter ]
All the Lassies -- Lassie was a girl dog in the show.
All the Lassies were male dogs
because female collies tend to blow coat.
We made a joke about Halloween.
I know I should explain what "blowing coat" means.
And I looked it up, and I know the answer,
but I just -- the moment between when I heard the term
and found out what it was,
that was the best part of my day.
[ Light laughter ]
It's just more fun to -- this moment where you're like,
"Blow coat?"
[ Light laughter ]
It sounds like something a studio executive in 1955
would say for why they don't work with female collies.
[ Laughs ]
We -- oh, yeah, we talked about Halloween
and that if a party had no sugar, you'd have raisins.
Raisin -- according to all you, raisins are high in sugar.
So best of luck telling that to a kid who wants Skittles.
Oh. This is exciting.
I have an update on my book in regards to its place
on "The New York Times" Best Seller list.
And the update is
lists are dumb. [ Laughter ]
Like, what are we doing?
"Who's number one? Who's number two?"
These are books.
They're books. They're for ki--
like, to rank them...
It's not commerce. It's art.
And they're supposed to last forever.
And I just think this very -- I don't know --
the whole exercise of, "Who did the best?"
it's just dumb,
which is why last week
I withdrew my book...
...from consideration.
Oh. Uh...
Still updating.
We don't have our Jackal mug yet.
We mentioned that the merchandise -- NBC --
it's a little slow getting new merchandise.
And just to give you a sense,
first of all, of how slow it's moving --
this was pointed out to me, so I did not know this --
one of the things you can get if you go to the NBC merch store
and you go to the home page
and then click "Other Shows"...
[ Laughter ]
There's a bunch -- it's not even --
there's a bunch on the home page,
and then those little arrows so you can keep...
nope, nope, nope.
[ Light laughter ]
So there's -- this is here, which is that --
that's a mug you can buy now.
And here's -- I think this gives you a sense
of, like, the speed it moves.
This is what -- this is an actual description.
"Stay up late and stay caffeinated
while showing you're a big fan of Seth.
The 'Late Night with Seth Meyers' logo mug
features the new 'Late Night' logo
on the 'As Seen on Seth Meyers Show' mug.
With this unique mug in hand, you are ready to cheer on
Seth Meyers in his new position."
[ Laughter ]
"His new position."
Year eight.
[ Laughter ]
If you walked up to me with one of these mugs
and said, "Cheers... on your new pos-- "
I wouldn't know what the [bleep] you were talking about.
[ Laughter ]
We also have a notebook, and I didn't -- this is --
also, somebody shamed it and said, why --
like, a bunch of these are [chuckles] exclusive.
And they said, "What does exclusive mean?
That I got the Internet and a credit card
and I did some digging?" And yep.
So we have a notebook and a hat and pencils.
And this is one of the photos.
And someone said, "Why is Amber so happy in this picture?"
She just heard a Jackal fell down a well.
[ Laughter ]
She just did a line of "coat."
[ Laughter ]
I think overall...
I think that was very cheerful.
I don't think it was as long -- How long was it?
-Almost 15. Okay.
So I think that's -- you know, that's decent.
And I think we're providing a nice cushion.
You know, I think there was a risk there for a while
that, you know, we were gonna
qualify as an actual sitcom.
[ Laughs ]
[ Singsong voice ] Well, I'm just so very happy
that my friends don't answer their [bleep] phones!