♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT
DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING
PEOPLE.
BUT IT'S HARD TO FULLY EXPLORE A GUEST'S PSYCHE IN JUST TEN
MINUTES OVER ZOOM.
WHICH IS WHY WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW CREATED "THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT."
IT'S A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY CALIBRATED TO
REVEAL A PERSON'S TRUEST SELF: EVERYTHING FROM YOUR PRIMAL
FEARS TO YOUR FAVORITE SANDWICH TO THE SANDWICH YOU'RE MOST
AFRAID OF.
AND I RECENTLY HAD THE PLEASURE OF ADMINISTERING THE QUESTIONERT
TO HOLLYWOOD LEGEND BILLY CRYSTAL.
FORGET "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY"-- THIS IS "WHEN HARRY MET BILLY."
♪♪♪ BILLY CRYSTAL, LOVELY TO HAVE
YOU HERE.
ALWAYS ENJOY.
AS I'VE ALWAYS SAID, A VACATION TO TALK TO YOU.
ONE TO HAVE THE PROBLEMS WITH THESE JOBS IS YOU GET TO MEET A
LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT IT'S HARD TO PLUNGE THE DEPTHS AND REVEAL THE
SOUL OF THE PEOPLE YOU'RE TALKING TO BUT I HAVE COME UP
WITH A FOOLPROOF QUESTION QUESTI ON FUNK AND WAG NAIL'S POMP.
SINCE NOON TODAY, I'LL ASK YOU THESE 15 QUESTIONS.
BILLY CRYSTAL, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> PRESIDENT BUSH, JELLY, WHITE BREAD.
>> Stephen: SIMPLE, CLASSY, I LIKE IT.
WHAT'S THE ONE THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW
OUT?
>> HMM...
OH...
I GUESS MY BELL BOTTOMS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE BELL BOTTOMS?
>> YEAH, I KEEP A LOT OF STUFF.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> THE SPITTING COBRA.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S RUDE?
NO, BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD.
YOU KNOW, IT STANDS UP AND IT SPITS AND IF IT GETS IN YOUR
EYES, YOU'RE BLIND, THEN IT KILLS.
BUT, YEAH, IT'S ANY KIND OF SNAKE.
WE HAD A RATTLESNAKE HERE NOT LONG AGO IN THE FRONT YARD, AND
IT WAS REALLY TERRIFYING.
SO, YEAH.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
OH, APPLES.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
YOU CAN PUT PRESID PEANUT BUTTER SLICE OF APPLE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> OH, I STILL DO.
>> Stephen: WHO'S THE LAST PERSON YOU ASKED?
DO YOU HAVE ONE THAT COMES TO MIND, EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE EXACT
LAST?
>> THIS WAS INTERESTING.
I WAS AT A CLEVELAND INDIANS/NEW YORK YANKEES PLAYOFF
GAME AND I SAT NEXT TO A MAN NAMED LARRY DOBIE.
LARRY DOBIE WAS THE FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO PLAY IN THE
AMERICAN LEAGUE, WHEN JACKIE ROBINSON BROKE THE BARRIER WITH
THE DODGERS, OF COURSE, LARRY DOBIE WAS BASICALLY BUZZ ALDRIN,
WAS THE SECOND, AND HE PLAYED WITH THE CLEVELAND INDIANS.
I HAPPENED TO SIT NEXT TO HIM.
HE'S A VERY DISTINGUISHED MAN.
I ASKED HIM TO SIGN A BALL AND HE DID.
VERY LOVELY.
>> Stephen: HANK AARON, YOU HAVE BASEBALL PLAYERS.
>> I HAVE SO MANY.
IT'S A BIG PASSION OF MINE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> WE GO INTO SYNDICATION.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE?
>> RAIDERS"RAIDERS OF THE LOST A >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GO
WITH YOU ON THAT ONE BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING LIKE MELTING
NAZIS.
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL?
>> YES, MY NEWBORN BABIES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF THOSE?
SMELL DOESN'T LAST VERY LONG.
YOU'VE GOT TO GET FRESH ONES ALL THE TIME.
>> WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE, NOTHING LIKE THE BABY SMELL.
>> Stephen: TOP TO HAVE THE HEAD.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL.
>> MY NEWBORN BABIES.
>> Stephen: GOT IT, THE OTHER END.
>> YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: EXEFER SIZE, IS IT
WORTH IT?
>> SURE, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: EVERY SINGLE PERSON I'VE ASKED THIS QUESTION
HAS LIED.
OKAY.
FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> SPARKLING.
>> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A PARTY.
MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE?
>> THERE'S TWO -- WELL, ALL RIGHT, CALM.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE -- IT PLAYS SOUNDS, RIGHT?
>> THERE ARE SAYINGS, THERE IS MUSIC.
I JUST STARTED THIS DURING THIS HORRIBLE TIME.
JUST, LIKE, OOOH, WHAT IS THIS, AND I JUST PUT IT ON FOR A
LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: YOU GET TO LISTEN TO ONE SONG FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> WELL, WE WOULD JUST -- WE JUST HAD OUR 50th WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY.
>> Stephen: MAZEL TOV.
THANK YOU.
AND THE SONG WE DANCED TO IS A SONG CALLED "THAT'S ALL,"
RECORDED BY NAT KING COLE.
♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU LOVE THAT LASTS FOREVER ♪
♪ AND THE PROMISE TO BE NEAR EACH TIME YOU CALL ♪
♪ AND A LOVE WHO'S BURNING BRIGHT CAN WARM A WINTER'S
NIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT'S ALL ♪
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF.
♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU WALKS IN SPRINGTIME AND A HAND TO HOLD
WHEN LEAVES BEGIN TO FALL.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SEVEN.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> SEX, SEX, SEX, LAUGHS, SEX.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, BILLY.
>> HOW DID I DO?
YOU ARE FINALLY KNOWN.
BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, SIR.
>> GREAT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN.
>> Stephen: NICELY TO SEE YOU, TOO.
♪♪♪ THANKS AGAIN TO BILLY CRYSTAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR AARON PAUL.
♪♪♪