Ah the New Mutants. I'm not sure how I feel about them overall. I feel like half the members
are kinda cool, and the other half are just really annoying. Or boring. I'm conflicted.
So I'm gonna try and get through that here. Here's the Top Ten Worst New Mutants.
Cypher
Cypher, with a y, not to be confused with Cipher with an I, which if we’re reusing
names is already a bad sign, has the super amazing mutant power of...translation. Basically
the character can read any kind of language semi-telepathically, whether it be written,
spoken, or body language. Now that isn’t to say this is without merit, and the powers
of Cypher were eventually expanded upon to include being able to read body language to
the point where he could read an opponents “Combat” language, making him an expert
at fighting. And while that part is kinda cool, this was also expanded to him...speaking
binary. Not to mention now he can read architectural structure, which is apparently a communicable
language now. Overall this guys powerset just seems to be as vaguely defined, and overall,
just kinda lame. But hey, a clerical mutant like this would be useful for city planning.
Wolfsbane
My main issue with Wolfsbane, is she’s just not a very interesting mutant. She’s basically
a glorified werewolf, which, in a universe as create as X-men, just seems like someone
wasn’t trying that hard. As if that wasn’t bad enough, in her lupine form, she actually
gets less intelligent, so she struggles to comprehend more complex human concepts. So
while she isn’t incapable of understanding, her mutant ability just seems to create greater
limits to her in spite of the benefits. She DOES get stronger, and her senses do significantly
improve, as well as give her the ability to see heat sources. But ultimately, in a universe
with cosmic destroyers, telepaths, and even just stronger animal-based mutants, Wolfsbane
just ultimately doesn’t end up standing out much.
Wallflower
Wallflower is basically the teen drama of X-men, and at the end of her short, soap operaic
life, she’s killed. Being a second generation mutant, Wallflower, AKA, Laurie Collins, received
her power from her father. That power being, the ability to control the emotions of other
by used emitted pheromones. Her father, Sean Garrison, used that power to manipulate people,
in particular, her mother Gail. Upon becoming pregnant with Laurie, she became immune to
his power, and ended her relationship with Sean. Seeing what a monster her father was,
and how he’d hurt her mother, isolated herself from other people. When her powers manifested,
she caused an incident in which all the boys on a beach became attracted to her. This incident
scared her and caused to become even more isolated than she already had been. When she
finally arrived at the Xavier Institute, the soap opera continues, with her having a series
of failed romances and using boys to make other boys jealous, causing said boys to get
into fights, really just a series of episodes of the OC. And as mentioned, eventually, she’s
killed by a sniper on the orders of William Stryker. Thus ending the teen drama of Wallflower.
Glob Herman
He’s just...gross. He’s just a nasty concept for a mutant. His entire body is made of Bio-Paraffin,
which means living Wax. The wax is flammable, which basically means he spends a lot of time
lighting himself on fire. And thats it. Yeah he’s got super strength and all that, but
like, the main thing is you can see through him, to his organs, and his eye balls just
kind of extend out from his skull. Creative? Absolutely. Cool? Not even slightly. He seems
more like an experiment gone wrong than someone with a power. That said, he kind of reminds
me of a gooey halloween styled Baymax in the latest volume of New Mutants, so at least
that’s kinda nice.
X-Ceptional
Look, this isn’t about whether I like the story. I actually do. And he was only on the
New Mutants very briefly. I’m just saying matter of factly, X-Ceptional aka Bailey Hoskins
is exactly what he was designed to be. A really crappy mutant. And overall just a really boring,
annoying human being. And his power? He can explode himself. But if he explodes, he dies.
Boom. Thats it. He’s dead. No more Bailey. And really, as far as mutant powers go, that’s
definitely sitting on the worst end of it. The most interesting thing about this character
is just how amazingly bad his life is.
But let me again reiterate, He’s one of the worst, but in the best way possible, because
it’s INTENTIONAL. The comic IS called Worst X-men Ever. It’s written by Max Bemis of
Say Anything, which anyone who’s ever listened to should know, he’s fantastic at writing
about rather miserable people. So it’s completely enjoyable as a read. Just don’t expect to
change your perspective on Bailey being a good mutant. He’s not.
Icarus
This guys like a more visually pleasing version of Beak. The problem is, his powers are just
kind of boring. He’s got wings, and the wings give him a healing factor, and then
his wings get cut off, and he loses everything interesting about him. I mean I GUESS he still
has the vocal cord powers of a lyre bird, but that’s not really relevant when it comes
to being on an x-men team. And really, he’s just kind of a sad character. He fell in love
with a girl named Julia Cabot, whose father tried to kill him, but not being aware of
his healing factor, failed to do so. However, Julia, believing he was dead, chose to drown
herself with him. However, his healing factor brought him back to life, and forced him to
carry her lifeless corpse out of the water. THen he tried to kill himself a few times
but his healing factor kept bringing him back. Sadly, this character would eventually be
killed by William Stryker as well.
Wither
Wither wins my award for being probably the dumbest new mutant I’ve ever seen. I mean
it’s honestly just INFURIATING. So, after Scarlet Witch changed reality to take away
90% of mutants powers, Wither, seeing everyone declaring their powers are gone, IMMEDIATELY
grabs Wallflowers arm to show her he can’t make it decay, and then makes it decay. Like,
first off, he didn’t think to try it maybe on a flower or something first, just to be
sure you don’t, ya know, disintegrate someones arm. But secondly, Icarus is standing right
next to her! So maybe ya know, put two and two together and figure out that, maybe, just
maybe, this isn’t an absolute thing yet. Ugh. Moron.
Maxime/Manon
Disclaimer: Admittedly these two don’t really count as New Mutants, but given they’re
featured prominently in the reboot, more so than some of the actual confirmed New Mutants
cast, I’m gonna run with it for now, since the way things are unfolding, I get the feeling
they’re going to be central to the story arc. But here’s the thing. The creepy twins
trope is kind of done to death. Making them morally ambiguous? It’s been done. And I
will be the first to say, I do actually enjoy the stories written AROUND these characters.
But maxime and manon, kind of jump around from being ignorant children trying to help
out, and being manipulative and honestly kind of sadistic, having most recently changing
the memories of a man holding them hostage to have him murder his ally. Their hearts
were in the right place...somehow, at least that’s what everyone seems to believe, but
they seem frustrated at the prospect of...not having people murder each other? Granted they’re
abused children and surely have a lot going on in their heads given what happened with
Ahab, but I guess we’ll see where they go with this storyline, since it’s currently
on going in the latest volume of New Mutants, but right now I’m not a big fan.
Shatterstar
Honestly, he's just boring as a mutant. That's really it. He's pretty much the embodiment
of an overpowered action hero, from his Rob Liefeld design being just an overly muscular
guy with a sword, and a silly eye tattoo. It's really just a mish mash of exactly what
stereotypes the 80s and 90s thought made someone a badass. Somehow, I'm not surprised this
guy was brutally killed in Deadpool 2. And really, describing yourself as a better Deadpool
and looking like this:
Its not gonna win anybody over. What is that head crown even holding onto anyway.
And those are our Top Ten Worst New Mutants. Anyone you think was worse? I gotta say, rebooting
the universe to have way less X-men was PROBABLY not the worst thing. Especially with guys
like Beak running around. Anyway, have a good one!