Hey.
If you know me, you know I usually only celebrate
one national holiday a month.
And we already talked about Bike Month.
But I'm going to make an exception because May is also
National Inventors Month.
This is an important month for me
because I've actually invented a bunch of things, like, a bunch.
Here's something that I called the Adjust-a-Bust.
I came up with something a whole lot better.
It's a product that lets you have bigger breasts whenever
you want.
I'm calling it Ellen's Adjust-a-Breast--
Bust.
It's my other title.
Lauren, hey, where are you?
Come on out here.
I want to show you all how it works.
OK.
Lauren.
Lauren is wearing--
[APPLAUSE]
Lauren is wearing the Adjust-a-Bust
under her sweater.
You can't tell, but--
[LAUGHTER]
Here, let me show you how it works.
Let's say Lauren is speeding.
And then, an officer--
she gets pulled over.
And the officer is walking up to the car.
You just pump it up, OK?
All right.
So that when the officer--
[CROWD SCREAMING]
--comes over--
[APPLAUSE]
No--
[LAUGHTER]
No speeding ticket!
Officer, my eyes are up here.
And then, later in the day, Lauren is going home,
and she's gardening.
But then, she gets locked out of her house.
So she has to shimmy through her window.
So, then, she just does that.
OK?
She just does that.
OK.
She does that.
[LAUGHTER]
[GIGGLING]
[APPLAUSE]
I remember that.
Yeah.
Those puppies have gotten me a few free drinks.
Good God.
Yes.
I don't normally use the word puppies, but it's quarantine.
This next invention I made helped
revolutionize soup eating.
Don't you hate how much time you waste when you're eating soup?
And you lower your spoon into the soup,
and then you bring it all the way back up.
And when you're done, you have to put the spoon back.
And then, you have to bring it all the way up.
Well, that's why I invented this.
It's called the Ellen Soup Spoon.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
It's so easy!
You can take it anywhere.
It's so handy.
All it needs is--
waiter, can I have some soup?
[APPLAUSE]
I had ordered the large.
All right.
Here we go.
Look how easy this is.
[APPLAUSE]
Mm.
I can't believe how much time I'm saving.
[CLAPPING]
I thought that was a really good idea,
but I've got 48 boxes of those in my garage
if anyone's interested.
They didn't sell like I hoped.
Yeah.
You never know what people--
You don't know what's going to hit.
Yeah.
Maybe soon.
Yeah.
Maybe if I would have done it with a fork.
Hm.
Anyway.
Yeah.
I don't remember why I invented this next product,
but I do like it.
Now, the skirt that Lauren is wearing
looks like a regular mini skirt, but it's not.
It's called the Mini Freeze.
Watch what happens when you hit this button.
[CRACKLING]
[CROWD SCREAMING]
[APPLAUSE]
[ELLEN GIGGLING]
It's also an ice dispenser.
I don't know if that counts as a lesbian joke or not.
It doesn't even make sense, really.
But if you're playing the game, take a shot to be safe.
I mean, it really has nothing to do with lesbians,
but it's just an excuse for somebody to take a shot.
We'll be back.