- I stopped buying women's magazines.
About six months ago, I stopped buying women's magazines
'cause it feels like there's nothing in there for me.
I might as well be buying a magazine about yachts.
There's just nothing in there for me.
Why would I buy anything?
Where the only time
I ever see anybody who looks a bit like me
is underneath the word before.
(audience laughing)
But women's magazines, they always maintain that
they're about improving women's lives
and it's bullshit 'cause they never,
they never tell you just to see your friends more often
or to read more books.
It's always the physical things
that we're supposed to do to ourselves.
And the list of those things is quite ridiculous.
You can have your eyebrows waxed, your eyelashes tinted,
your skin darkened, your teeth lightened,
manicures, pedicures, cleanse, tone and moisturise.
I'm 38.
I've cleansed.
I've moisturised.
I have no idea what toning actually is.
(audience laughing)
Does anybody give us a woo if you do?
(audience wooing) A few of you.
Does anybody want to shout out what it is?
No. (laughs) (audience laughing)
I'll woo, but I'm not explaining it to her.
(audience laughing)
Like makeup.
I like wearing makeup.
I like wearing it on stage.
I like wearing it if I go out somewhere nice
but I don't think I need to wear it all the time.
And I don't think I look weird if I don't have any on.
I still don't really understand
why I paint over naturally rosy cheeks
to then apply rosy cheeks.
(audience laughing)
Like hair removal is a whole subject
all on its own, isn't it?
There's so many different ways,
especially as women that we can remove our hair.
You can wax, you can shave, you can pluck,
you can epilate.
My sister had laser treatment, laser treatment
which is supposed to be permanent.
She had it to her under arms.
It was quite painful and quite expensive.
And after two months, the whole lot just grew back in.
(audience laughing) Which is terrible.
But does go some way to explaining
why James Bond was always so nonchalant
when a laser was aimed at his cock and balls.
(audience laughing)
Come back in a couple of months man, a champion.
(audience laughing)
I realise I've made James Bond a Geordie.
(audience laughing)
Maybe that's the future.
(audience laughing)
(Laughs) Three cheers for a James Bond that's Geordie,
how nice.
But according to women's magazines,
there are only two options for hair down there for women.
One of my friends said to me recently, she said
you know why women are supposed
to have hair down there don't you?
And I said, is it like your nose,
so you don't get muck up it.
(audience laughing)
And she said, no.
(audience laughing)
She said women are supposed to have hair down there
so that nature knows where your reproductive bits are.
I said, why does nature need to know?
Surely as long as we fellas got a rough idea.
(audience laughing)
Why do all the deers and the rabbits need to know?
Well maybe the rabbits.
(audience laughing)
Actually, as an aside, I should tell you this.
I did recently treat myself to a new (scream) and
(audience laughing)
I cannot recommend it highly enough.
It's only got the one speed,
which I think a lot of people in this room
would be like one speed that sounds rubbish.
You know what the speed is?
Fucking hell yes, that's the speed.
(audience laughing)
Any vibrator that needs a square battery
is already fine by me.
(audience laughing)
But the problem, if you can call it that,
the problem with it being so fast and efficient
(audience laughing)
is that I can't, oh
(audience laughing)
I can't always get a scenario going in me head.
(audience laughing)
Do you know what I mean?
You know what I fucking mean.
(audience laughing)
Cause normally, normally I'd be like this.
Not out loud, I don't do it out loud.
(audience laughing)
I'm just doing it for you.
But normally I'd be like this.
He walks in the room.
He's wearing a suit.
I like him to have a job, there's nothing wrong with that.
(audience laughing)
But with the new (scream) with the new one
it's much more like this.
There's a knock at the (scream) done.
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you what it is, what it actually is
is an electric toothbrush with a special end.
(audience laughing)
Just feel the need to share it with you.
The information.
I didn't bring it with us.
Just work it along the aisles, girls.
(audience laughing)
Even though it's a toothbrush,
I don't use it as a toothbrush.
'Cause I'm nervous, 'cause I get the ends mixed up.
(audience laughing)
And accidentally take all the plaque off me nunny.
(audience laughing)
But according to women's magazines,
there are only two options for hair down there for women.
The options are all off or more stuff.
Give us a cheer if you think all off is the way to go.
(audience loud cheering)
Is that a fellow in the middle of that there?
(audience laughing)
Not technically aimed at you, my love.
I suppose it is good to know we've got a paedophile in.
(audience laughing)
That's what it means.
Give us cheer if you think most off is the way to go.
(audience soft cheers)
There's quite a lot of you left isn't there?
(audience laughing)
Can only assume that the rest of you are like me.
I just try to keep it in me pants.
(audience laughing)
Even if sometimes that involves tucking it in.
(audience laughing)
But surely the most ridiculous of all of the things
we're supposed to do to ourselves is anal bleaching.
Now some of you might not know what that is.
If you don't know what it is
it's exactly as it sounds.
Some people and I don't know why
I can't answer that question for you.
Some people choose to have their arseholes bleached.
As far as I'm concerned, regardless of your gender,
regardless of your sexuality,
if somebody is so close to your arsehole
that they can see the colour of it.
(audience laughing)
They're not gonna stop.
(audience laughing)
This (laughs) this is never gonna happen.
(giggling) Smack.
(giggling) (imitating horn honks)
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
Oh sorry love, I don't do that colour.
(audience laughing)
It's warm now, isn't it?
(audience laughing)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information
about where I'm going and when
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.